Last update, I guess. I did meet ExDP for coffee. I thought it better just to get it over with as soon as possible. My DSis offered to come with me, (BIL had their children), which I thought was unnecessary but it’s good she did as he did bring the children. DSis immediately whisked them away for a walk saying the adults should chat.
We did, and I see that whilst in my mind the breakup was earlier this week, he though I just needed a break, and for him, the realisation that I was serious only hit yesterday when he expected to come back for the weekend with the children and to carry on as normal. So today felt like breaking up with him again. I explained my reasons (again). He said he thought this was an overreaction, that parenting/step parenting is hard and we have to be a team. He suggested he could move back in, and we could continue the relationship, but he could have the children elsewhere on his EOW - at the ex wife’s or go away for weekends, or just take them out for the day, whilst we worked on the issues. He said his ex wife was willing to have him there or have the children back at nights on the weekend, if it would help us in this ‘difficult period’, or maybe I might go away on some weekends and the children could come to the home.
I said this didn’t work. He then pivoted to suggest he could stay at his parents and we could keep seeing each other, again to try and work through things.
I said I understand that he and the children are a package, and what he was proposing ignored the last few months and the future. They will always been in his life, and especially in the next decade whilst they are dependent. The current issues had been moving from bad to worse and I didn’t have any confidence that there was anything in future that might change this - the children were getting older and entering teenage years, the parenting to date hadn’t made things improve - the opposite. What he was proposing seemed to rely on either him keeping them and me separate, which wouldn’t work long term, or hoping that I might get worn down in a few weeks/months and let ‘normality’ resume. I also said it wasn’t realistic. He knows he would call me to pick up the kids if he got stuck or that the children couldn’t indefinitely stay away from where he was living and it felt like he was just saying anything to try and restore the status quo, rather than actually dealing with the issues.
Variations of this went on for awhile, but then when we didn’t make headway, it did turn to money. It was quite upsetting to hear how he viewed things, especially after I thought I had been clear about things when we moved in. We had had a big talk, where I said at this stage in the relationship, I was not prepared (if ever) to share finances. Effectively I kept paying for everything and kept ownership of everything (all bills stayed in my name, for example) and I paid the large share of our life - repairs to the house, holidays etc. My sister’s analogy of him being like a young adult, in full time work, but living at home only paying minimal board and having all their disposable income to spend was very astute. But I thought this was fair to him, or even more than fair to him, so he could never say he was disadvantaged by the living arrangement or claim anything of mine.
He didn’t see this, or brushed by it. He kept referring to previous breakups, where he and his ex wife, or his previous ex had more of a transition to deal with things. I do agree with this, and think I may have been a bit morally unfair here, but I have started to find my inner anger, and told him I owned the house, legally I have every right to make this decision and ask him to leave, and whilst I was sympathetic to his situation, ultimately he was aware of the position and he had plenty of time (and money!) to save and safeguard his own position, as I did mine. As we had separate finances, I had no responsibility to him upon our breakup, in the same way he had none to me.
He didn’t like this, and ask for a lump sum of money, in lieu of a notice period. This being to cover the costs of setting him up and immediate big bills (I think the school fees installment and final payment for the trip).
I think finally having him ask outright was a bit of a relief. This issue has been danced around and coated in emotions and guilt since he called yesterday. Even when I first posted yesterday, I didn’t know what he was leading up to. To finally have it reduced to a request and a number was a bit of a relief, but also painful, as it seems to reduce everything to money.
As I had said, I was possibly open to it, and after speaking with my sister (in the last post) I agree there were pragmatic reasons to do so, just to get it over. But the way the conversation went, the way the morning had gone, with him coming early, bring the children, the video message, and now this, I just had it. I said no. I didn’t bother with an explanation, as what was the point? It was clear he would never accept it, in his head, this was right and fair. So I said no, and briskly moved on. I confirmed I would be cancelling a weekend away that I had booked and paid for, and another holiday we had discussed for a few months time (minimal bookings made for that). I gave him tickets to an event we had on in the next few weeks. I had bought and paid for them, but I thought about it before I came and I didn’t want to go and possibly have him turn up, or have him contact me before handing asking for the ticket, so it was simpler to give them both to him to use.
I then said I had heard him out, and didn’t think we had anything else to discuss. I hoped he would respect that and not contact me. He asked if we could met up for another coffee or dinner in a fortnight or so, once the dust had settled a bit more, but I said I no, it didn’t seem like he was listening to me, I consider this finished. I actually left then. It was v upsetting and I didn’t want to wait for DSis to come back with the children and have to go through that. I accept this might have been wrong, but I just couldn’t do it. I drove away, texted DSis and she returned the children and I picked her up around the corner.
The furniture in the children’s room is still abit of an outstanding issue, but he didn’t raise it, and I don’t have a solution for it (I can’t send it to him, as he has nowhere to put it, and I don’t want to get into storage lockers and paying for that or giving him keys as people suggested). So I left that. I’m just going to ignore that for a bit. If he comes back to me in a month, with a rental place, asking for it, I’ll send it over. If I haven’t heard from him in a month or two about it, I’ll donate it or gift it or something. I don’t want to remind him about it as I don’t want a reason for him to keep suggesting meetings etc.
Thank you to everyone who messaged. I really appreciated the support. To those that weren’t so supportive and thought the answer was obvious, perhaps to you, but this knocked me for six, and really made me doubt if I had been as fair as thought I had been. To those who suggested I have poor boundaries, poor self esteem, am desperate to please, should speak to a therapist, am cold for ghosting him, that I ‘shouldn’t have taken in kids I didn’t have the mettle parent’ or speculated I have bad dating history, or suggested I should not ‘get involved with anyone with kids or at least never live with them.’ Noted.
Thank you to everyone - I have thanked people from yesterday, in terms of recent posts, thank you to @Amybelle88 and @Teledeluxe and others for saying I am lovely. I am quite low and after the battering from this is real life and from some posters on here, it was lovely to read those posts. Thank you too for @Bookworm1111‘s recent very astute post at 11.06 today. Now 24 hours have passed, I’m responding abit less emotionally and more thoughtfully. It still hurts a lot - both the last weekend with the children and now the way the breakup has happened and revealing his attitudes to me and money. It feels very raw and upsetting and I feel like a fool. A lot of you are telling me (in various words) I am one too. It’s hard to see a way forward from this right now, but I will put my head down for awhile and try to come to terms with it.