AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children?

[3LemonsAndLime]

I have just ended things with my partner (ExDP). We have lived together for several years, no children. He has 2 tween children from a previous relationship (I have none). He is a good father, contributes jointly to children’s fees and items for them and general costs as well as pays maintenance above CMS and has them regularly. The co-parenting relationship with his ex is positive.

The issues is, I am a high earner, I earn over 3x my ex-DP’s income. He still earns a very good wage, well above average. In making the decision to move in together, I wanted to be sure to guard my financial position, and so I alone pay my mortgage, and all house maintenance related bills. ExDP and I contributed an equal amount to the ‘normal’ bills account (not proportionate to income). I also paid for most ‘extra’ things, like holidays, entertainment/meals out, usually on the basis that I was the one who mainly organised/booked it, so it was easier to pay, and obviously I could afford it. When out for things we would pay for things alternatively as the bill came up - he would pay for petrol in the car on the way to dinner, I would pay at the restaurant. It was never planned, just the person closest at each one would pay.

If asked, I would have said that he was on a ‘good deal’ with me, as obviously he had no rent or mortgage to pay, half of bills and me paying for the more expensive parts of our life - furniture, holidays and things as above. But I always felt like I was paying for some of those things to ensure no messy ownership issues (house, furniture etc) and he earnt less than me and had children who deserved his money, so it was right that I subsidise our life abit more.

The relationship has been difficult lately, mainly around his children and their attitude to me. (I am not the other woman, and he had been in another 2 year relationship before me). It started well, but has gotten disrespectful, and moved to rude and in recent months is now in the hurtful and toxic stage. My ex-DP has tried many strategies, I have bent over backwards, but after a recent issue time in my own life, have made the difficult decision that I don’t want to live like this anymore, and ended things with ex-DP yesterday.

This obviously involves him moving out, and he will have more expenses.

However he and his ex-wife are now furious with me, as apparently decisions were made about their children’s after-school activities and choice of school that necessitated him having the disposable income he did (that is, that he was with someone who covered more expenses and lifestyle costs, so he had a good standard of living whilst still having a lot of money to pay towards to his kids).

ExDP is furious that I am putting his children’s schooling at risk, jeapodising his contact time (he used to have them here, in my home, which is nice - now it will have to be at his parents, where they can’t stay overnight, until he gets a place of his own, the cost and standard of which he is also concerned about). He says a school trip for one would never have been agreed to if he knew his current financial circumstances and another will have to stop a hobby/sport as again, he can’t afford it. It is an expensive sport, to be fair.

All these decisions were made between exDP and his ex-wife. I was not consulted and didn’t think much of them. If I thought at all, it would have been to assume their parents would have made the decisions after considering their own financial circumstances.

My ex is not clear in what he wants/expects from me - just wanting to rant at me or I’m not sure if he means we should stay together (or just live together, but not be together?) so he can keep financing this, or if he intends to ask for money. I am trying to get my thoughts in order, as I just did not see this coming - AIBU here to break up with exDP and not expect a financial obligation to children that are not mine?

The kids have got their 2 parents plus any other family members. I think they will be ok. Clearly they were becoming toxic and it's best they are out of the situation as they weren't happy despite the op doing so much for them.

And this.

Shameful behaviour.

I just thought - maybe, just maybe - not definitely that this might be a way of OP easing her guilt a bit and him getting a bit of what he wants (money) and her maybe continuing to see his kids. She did say she'd developed a friendship/relationship with them as a sort of aunt figure. In fact thinking about this after your comment, it probably is best to cut all ties completely.

I think the way he and his kids have treated the OP is appalling, see my pp's, and I don't think this is a reward in any way for that behaviour... OP probably won't and shouldn't do this but he's putting such a guilt trip on her, it was just a suggestion from my side. A play nice suggestion if you will.

As OP stated, this guy has benefited from having extra disposable income due to her paying out for nearly everything. Surely he could have set some aside? For all we know he has a secret savings account that he doesn't want to touch and would rather the scenario continue with OP so he can carry on living beyond his means/saving? As an adult and father, I would expect him to have some sort of contingency savings esp as he has been living a heavily subsidised life!

Wow! Good for you getting rid of them all.

All the things you mention are his issues, or that of the children’s mother. He can move in with her to fix their childcare issues.

No payment should be given, none of them are your responsibility!

Go on holiday and block him on everything.

I wouldn't agree to anything this man suggests, if he suggests something that's because he is confident that he can get what he wants out of it. Now that he's meeting some resistance and he didn't get what he wanted from the first visit he will be upping his game and making more detailed plans.
I think I would be sticking to written communications only, at least that way you have a record of everything just in case he turns into a stalker.

@3LemonsAndLime you sound lovely and very caring, but you do not owe this man or his dc any more money.
Having his dc make a video and bringing them with him and coming early in the hope of catching you at home is all very manipulative behaviour in his part.

Your reasons for leaving are valid, and he was aware of the problems you were having with his dc, so this isn't 'out of the blue' as he put it. He just hoped you'd put up with it and stay.

I'm sure he did care for you, so don't doubt your worth, but it says it all that his main concern now is money, or rather lack of it.
That comes across as quite cold and the fact that this is forefront in his mind, rather than sadness at losing you, says he'd become used to and expected the lifestyle your money provided, and that that was also important to him.

I wouldn't give him any money, but I would offer to store the dc furniture until he finds a place and I would let him have it for nothing as this saves him a fair bit in furnishing a new place.

Giving him money would cement in his mind that you do owe him, and you really don't, and it will just lead to more demands.
He needs to stand on his own two feet, and the sooner you let him do that the better.

Please don't fall for his sob story or his manipulation if you meet up with him. Stay strong, and don't give him any money.

He is an adult, and should have been saving some of the extra disposable income you enabled him to have. It is not your fault that he has lived beyond his means and not had a safety net in place.

Look after yourself and give yourself time to grieve. 💐

Perhaps these parents leaning on you for extra financial support should have taught the little darlings to be respectful to the person who was effectively subbing their lifestyle. Move on don’t pay a penny and don’t look back.

They gave all had plenty of warning. The OP has been unhappy for a while. She has communicated this to him numerous times. He must see how unhappy she is. Unfortunately with men like this you cannot give them time, because that time is used to manipulate you. Do you agree with him taking the children to pack up their things? Do you agree with him FILMING them?
Shame on you for finding fault in a woman who has given her house, money, time and attention to these children. For nothing but rudeness back.
They have been together for 3 years, lived together for no time at all. The kids will be fine. As you well know.

I also don't think the OP should meet with him. He is going to pull out the big guns this afternoon. I just hope she doesn't agree to anything financially or she won't see the back of him for a long time.

I agree with the above in all respects and like @ToxicChristmas, am angry on your behalf. If you must meet him for coffee this afternoon, I wish you would take your amazing sister along for back-up, to remove you from the situation rapidly if he starts trying to manipulate you again (it's a sure thing he will do that) and to make it clear there is no way back. I think you are being far too kind to him, though, and that you should cancel the meeting or not turn up. He's just going to keep on prolonging the agony. Has he once mentioned yet that he loves you and will miss you and doesn't want you out of his life for any other reasons than the financial ones?

Sorry op, I started off yesterday thinking yabu, switched to yanbu, and am now back to yabu.

To those children, this is their 2nd home. To just evict them without ever seeing or speaking to them again is really, really weird. You said you spent lots of time nurturing your relationship before it went toxic. I just can't get my head around how you think walking away without a word is absolutely fine and dandy.

Those bedrooms are theirs, the things inside are theirs. They might be nasty ungrateful tweens at the moment but this level of punishment by ghosting is extreme and will cause lasting psychological damage. Parental abandonment is what it is. Hopefully their real parents will step up and help them through this shock.

As for your ability to just totally ghost a partner of 3 years, pack up all his stuff and expect to never speak about any of it ever again... cold.

It is your right to behave this way, partly I admire someone who can just cut off toxic parts of their life without looking back. I just feel really sorry for those kids, and you, to be honest.

At least you know what you want, I guess. But YADBU.

You really and truly don’t owe him anything financially , if anything, he should be paying you back for all the things you paid for , like his children’s furniture etc . It must Be devastating to realise that , although he might have actually cared for you , the financial situation was very appealing to him . Once again , when you look at it this way : you don’t owe him anything . He could have used his much improved financial situation of not having to pay for a mortgage or rent ( along with everything else you paid for ) to buy himself a property as an investment to rent out , and also in case this very situation happened . He CHOSE not to do so , that was up to him , and again , you don’t owe him anything, he is an adult that made his own choices . Had he asked you your opinion, you probably would have suggested the above , as you sound like a very sensible person . I also have teenagers , and whilst , occasionally, we of course have discussions , I would never accept being disrespected or treated horribly by them , as I would never do the same to them , and they are my children . I would certainly never allow them to be rude to anyone that is so kind and generous to them ;he failed you and them by not teaching them proper manners and not putting a stop to their behaviour the very first time it happened. This , and the fact that his immediate reaction to you breaking up with him was to be concerned about money ,and not the love between you , really tells you everything about this ‘man’ . You don’t owe him anything. I keep repeating it because I really hope you hear it . Please be kind to yourself and take time to process what has happened, I wish you the very best . Xxx

Well done OP!

That comment about not being able to stop your responsibilities on your say would have really irritated me!
You’ve not dropped your responsibilities at all - mortgage, bills, job.

His children are his responsibility not yours!

They’re out without notice. His parents have kindly allowed him to stay there temporarily, which will disrupt his kids’s contact time. I honestly would have given more time to re-home a puppy than this. It’s the kids that will suffer.

There’s wrong on both sides. He shouldn’t have banked on benefiting from a higher income, and OP shouldn’t have taken in kids she didn’t have the mettle to parent.

This is such a sensible reply.

The children are in their tweens and old enough to understand that mistreating people is unpleasant and has consequences.

As for the parents, their entitlement is beyond the pale.

Yes, this could possible be another scenario that none of us have thought of.

I cannot believe the posters trying to guilt the OP into thinking she is anyway responsible for these children that have stayed in her house, at her expense for one year. I'm not surprised though, stepmothers are always expected to do more and provide more than the actual parents aren't they?

I totally agree. There’s wrong on both sides, but the way OP has chosen to handle it will be deeply damaging to the kids. Absolutely cold. No empathy, no consideration, no compassion.

What if the puppies had spent the best part of a year snarling, biting and attacking and no amount of training had improved the situation? Her exDP's DC had been making OP so miserable she wanted to flee her own home - and worst still, they KNEW they were upsetting her, because she'd addressed it with their dad and he'd tried to sort it out and failed miserably. They had notice – they were told that their behaviour was a problem and the dad didn't do enough to address it.

💯 agree with this. You have every right to end the relationship on your terms. He sounds manipulative and controlling. Be very careful what you promise him this afternoon.

The children will continue to stay with their mother. The father can live in that home while the mother is away and return to his parents/new home on her return.

They're very far from roofless or homeless.

I should think the father will soon be on the lookout for another woman to subsidise his family and ready to move in with her very quickly.

the way OP has chosen to handle it will be deeply damaging to the kids. Absolutely cold. No empathy, no consideration, no compassion.

Alternately, it might be the making of them as they realise that even the most honourable and empathic of women reach a breaking point where they realise they are being exploited as support humans with no needs of their own. Excellent lesson on boundaries as they grow towards adulthood.

We don’t know he hadn’t set some aside, but he will need that to put down a rental deposit.

How many women with kids find new partners who are higher earners? Many. How many women then make financial decisions based on their new circs with a double income? Many.

What he did was not necessarily wise but it’s very common. There are women doing it on here all the time.

I'm not sure why people are writing as if the OP had thrown the ex's children out on the street with nowhere to go. As I understand it, the OP didn't "take in" her ex's kids, she made a welcoming home for them for the times when her ex had contact with them and their main home is in fact with their mother. These children abused her hospitality time and again, to the extent she finally felt she couldn't stay in her own home whilst they were there, and her ex did little or nothing to alleviate the problem. Hence her decision to end the relationship. She was fearing for her own mental health and happiness and shock, horror, put herself first rather than pandering to her selfish ex's needs.

There's a high chance the children will be there at the cafe. Turn up a little bit late and look in from outside and if they're with him don't go in. As others have said if your sis can be there all the better.

Breaking up is never easy and often messy but ultimately you were not married, they are not your children, they won't and wouldn't have been there for you in the future, and you have no responsibility for them. You don't need to pay anything but its understandable you want to even if it is out of guilt. In a few years time it won't matter either way.

Yes it is sad for the children but perhaps they'll learn an important life lesson - don't be nasty to people and expect reward! Lots of children don't have the opportunities they had and end up fine. They'll cope.