AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children?

[3LemonsAndLime]

I have just ended things with my partner (ExDP). We have lived together for several years, no children. He has 2 tween children from a previous relationship (I have none). He is a good father, contributes jointly to children’s fees and items for them and general costs as well as pays maintenance above CMS and has them regularly. The co-parenting relationship with his ex is positive.

The issues is, I am a high earner, I earn over 3x my ex-DP’s income. He still earns a very good wage, well above average. In making the decision to move in together, I wanted to be sure to guard my financial position, and so I alone pay my mortgage, and all house maintenance related bills. ExDP and I contributed an equal amount to the ‘normal’ bills account (not proportionate to income). I also paid for most ‘extra’ things, like holidays, entertainment/meals out, usually on the basis that I was the one who mainly organised/booked it, so it was easier to pay, and obviously I could afford it. When out for things we would pay for things alternatively as the bill came up - he would pay for petrol in the car on the way to dinner, I would pay at the restaurant. It was never planned, just the person closest at each one would pay.

If asked, I would have said that he was on a ‘good deal’ with me, as obviously he had no rent or mortgage to pay, half of bills and me paying for the more expensive parts of our life - furniture, holidays and things as above. But I always felt like I was paying for some of those things to ensure no messy ownership issues (house, furniture etc) and he earnt less than me and had children who deserved his money, so it was right that I subsidise our life abit more.

The relationship has been difficult lately, mainly around his children and their attitude to me. (I am not the other woman, and he had been in another 2 year relationship before me). It started well, but has gotten disrespectful, and moved to rude and in recent months is now in the hurtful and toxic stage. My ex-DP has tried many strategies, I have bent over backwards, but after a recent issue time in my own life, have made the difficult decision that I don’t want to live like this anymore, and ended things with ex-DP yesterday.

This obviously involves him moving out, and he will have more expenses.

However he and his ex-wife are now furious with me, as apparently decisions were made about their children’s after-school activities and choice of school that necessitated him having the disposable income he did (that is, that he was with someone who covered more expenses and lifestyle costs, so he had a good standard of living whilst still having a lot of money to pay towards to his kids).

ExDP is furious that I am putting his children’s schooling at risk, jeapodising his contact time (he used to have them here, in my home, which is nice - now it will have to be at his parents, where they can’t stay overnight, until he gets a place of his own, the cost and standard of which he is also concerned about). He says a school trip for one would never have been agreed to if he knew his current financial circumstances and another will have to stop a hobby/sport as again, he can’t afford it. It is an expensive sport, to be fair.

All these decisions were made between exDP and his ex-wife. I was not consulted and didn’t think much of them. If I thought at all, it would have been to assume their parents would have made the decisions after considering their own financial circumstances.

My ex is not clear in what he wants/expects from me - just wanting to rant at me or I’m not sure if he means we should stay together (or just live together, but not be together?) so he can keep financing this, or if he intends to ask for money. I am trying to get my thoughts in order, as I just did not see this coming - AIBU here to break up with exDP and not expect a financial obligation to children that are not mine?

I have never said they were homeless. Of course they can stay with their mother but the new home and new relationship they were just getting used to is gone.

Yeah @Mirabai and those women get torn apart on here.

I think that their behaviour hasn’t been good recently would make me want to say goodbye and help them transition even more. I understand OP is hurting but I’m surprised that posters here who are parents think what has happened is ok.

Just saw your latest update OP - your sister is fabulous as everyone else says here. He is a manipulative man, especially getting his children to do a begging video, that is the lowest of the low. I'd like to say I don't know men/women like this (him), but I do, possibly not quite as bad as this though.

I personally would as in the words of the Bros song say 'I owe you nothing' and not even meet the slimy man this afternoon at all. He's being very calculated and thinks he can see a way to reel you back in. He's absolutely appalling saying 'responsibilities don't just end...' (not the exact words but you know).

I'd run all this past your sister again, and if necessary have her back up today, any other time she's needed, and keep her updated at all costs with every aspect of this. Again, stay strong.

Knowing what we know about the ex DP now, I think it explains why the OP had to handle it this way, as a clean break. Even now he's coming over with kids and food assuming op was going to play happy families, sending video messages, insisting on meeting for coffee. Can you imagine what he'd be doing if it was a gradual separation? OP would still be trying to get rid of him 10 years later.

She isn’t their parent - it was never on her to act as if she was. She was extremely generous to provide as she did, and sadly they all took the piss. The fact that he didn’t step up or make financial provision for himself is neither her fault nor her problem.

How the fuck is she "ghosting" him? She's broken up with him directly twice. once when he didn't believe he meant it and then again, and she's offering to have a final conversation with him? I don't think you understand what ghosting is.
Nor has she said she will never speak to the children again but she is very right not to do so at this emotional time. Too bad their shit father can't think similarly of their welfare rather than trying to drag them in as tools of emotional manipulation.

The bedrooms are not theirs. Their second home is with their father. They have a permanent home with their mother and spent relatively little time at OP's, they still have stability.

Parental abandonment - you're hilarious.

OP you DNBU.

The OP has clearly given and given and given until the river ran dry. She is in no way to blame for the domestic arrangements of these children or their father. That is HIS responsibility as is their financial upkeep. The OP clearly didn't just wake up one morning and think 'right, that's it!', she sound like someone who has hung in there and tried and tried and hoped for it to change and avoided confrontation but was at her wits end. She owes none of them a thing! She has invested time, care, thought, money, shared everything she has, been more than generous with his children. The fact that she is feeling guilty after being treated so appallingly shows what a thoroughly nice and decent person she is.

The children will get over it and perhaps as a family (him, the ex-wife and the kids), they all need to sit and think about their actions that killed the goose that laid the golden egg! A valuable life lesson for a bunch of entitled people!

Please dont meet him. You have nothing to say, and he is only going to try and be manipulative, which you don't need.

You have made your decision (well done!) and been clear that this is final, and there is nothing else to say.

Look after yourself xx

Have you read the OP's posts about the children's behaviour? It was only directed at her.
Do you not expect your children to behave decently to people? Nevermind people who enhance their lives like the OP did?
She has given enough, she has done enough. She isn't a punching bag.

The only responsibility here lies with the parents. Not the op.

She had made it clear she was unhappy, and it sounds like he made some half hearted attempts to improve things, however now op has got to the point of being so pissed off she can't take any more he's suddenly managing to fix the issues, get apologies and make the effort.

Amazing how he can suddenly step up when the money runs out.

If he put in this effort a year ago they wouldn't be at this point now.

Op isn't unkind or anything else for getting her ex to leave, she's been more than generous throughout.

She is just learning that she isn't a beloved stepmum and partner though, she's a bank machine, and that's the only concern of her ex and the dc at this point.

She is due none of them anything, the only thing that was owed here was some respect towards op, and she didn't get any.

I’m not sure why people are interpreting it as that given that’s never been said. Her home was their home from home while they saw their dad. It is that which has ended without notice. She’s booted them out so he must stay at his parents, disrupting contact time.

They’re young kids with divorced parents having to accommodate to new home and a new stepmother figure. Of course they will act up. “Hospitality” is services you offer guests and visitors not your DP’s kids when you’re in a loco parentis step mother role.

I absolutely wondered this.
The op does sound lovely but also naive. Welcoming the children with new bedrooms, furniture and choosing colour schemes for their bedrooms but then ending things and not even letting them say goodbye or giving them time to process the change in circumstances does sound harsh.
I personally think that when you are in a relationship, you change your financial decisions naturally according to your situation, so I don’t think that means that the op’s partner was using her as a bank.
It also comes across as the op has reached her end with the relationship but the partner still thinks it can be salvaged. This is not necessarily because he wants her money, those issues are highlighted immediately as they need immediate attention. The DP may be heartbroken for all we know. It has been a fairly long term relationship so I don’t think either is in the wrong.
I would suggest op take her Dsis along to the meeting, just for support, but I don’t think op should view the relationship as if her DP has only been in it for the money. Whether to pay a small sum for the school trip etc seems a difficult decision. I am sure op still cares about DP and his children, so wants to help them, and it does seem like a decent thing to do. However, like others, I do wonder if this opens the floodgates to requests for more help and non acceptance of the end of the relationship. Sometimes a clean break is better.

He also generally raised the issue of the split and the impact on the children, suggesting I was overreacting and needed to calm down and understand I had responsibilities that didn’t just end on my say-so.

@3LemonsAndLime

OMG! Just who the hell does he think he is? They are not your children and you are not responsible for them. And you absolutely can say it is over if it is not working for you any more in YOUR house.

It is very telling that he is not trying to get you back because he loves YOU and misses YOU. No. All he loves and misses is your money. He is a nasty manipulative piece of work.

And I agree he will bring the children along this afternoon to add to the emotional blackmail.

Do not give him any money or he will be back for more. Do not allow yourself to be guilt tripped into anything. If you must go this afternoon, protect yourself by taking your sister and don't listen to any more of his bullshit. Then block him and get on with the rest of your life.

You sound lovely and you deserve better than this. You really do. Believe it.

Bloody hell he's got a nerve.

I originally thought he loved the op and the financial benefit was a happy coincidence for him.

Your update shows all he cares about is losing the cushy arrangement for him and his DC.

Goodness me…!
You need to do this and we need to talk…he’s not giving up easily is he? And he doesn’t seem to realise it’s over. Because then he has to accept the bank has closed…..
I really hope you don’t meet him. You owe this sponger nothing… and nothing in his conversation with your sister shows any sadness for loosing you, it’s all about how his children are affected….
As others have said, if you do meet him, walk away if the children are there…you already told him it was inappropriate yet he totally ignored you. And take your sister with you for support.
And please don’t give him a penny! He’s had enough from you.

If she and DP had married before he moved in she would be officially and legally their SM. The only difference between official SM and her role is a piece of paper.

The idea that upset tweens having to adapt to a new environment and relationship are “taking the piss” is really messed up.

Given her coldness in dumping them all without even saying goodbye to the kids, I can see why there would have been problems.

@Mirabai she wasn't in loco parentis, she had no parenting role, as shown by the terrible decisions the parents have made that they expect OP to take for for some reason.

Kids will be kids. The blame here lies neither with the children nor OP but with the parents.

He’s the one that chose to put himself and his kids in that position, knowing he had no security. Doesn’t seem like he bothered to try and establish some either, considering the amount of money he was able to save. Once again that’s all on him.

OP owes him, and his kids, nothing.

I think this thread should go in Classics, as guidance for women on how to protect and safeguard themselves against CF/cocklodgers like this.

@3LemonsAndLime I wholeheartedly applaud you!

The OP has no guilt to feel she has done nothing wrong. Playing nice with people like her ex, his ex and their kids is the reason entitled sods like them feel entitled in the first place because people are too nice and polite to say no and enough is enough. The ex has taken advantage he had 2 years of extra money by not paying rent and other bills he could have saved up and spent some on his children instead of the OP doing it. She furnished both childrens bedrooms ex paid nothing he had no excuses not to contribute and the OP has said the children can take everything from their bedrooms thats generous enough considering they've been unpleasant and used her as a cash machine.

*take responsibility for

I think that letting his children treat the op badly was part of this man's Modus operandi. He did it to break her down, subordinate and make her feel as if she had no agency.
He saw her kindness and generosity as a weakness (presumably because he would never give anything unless he had an expectation of getting more in return) and this gave him a green light to steam in and fill his boots.

There is absolutely no need to meet up with him again. It would also be unfair on the children to drag this out.

Sorry OP, I think you are enjoying the drama. Send one last message - The relationship is over, do not contact me again, do not have the children contact me either.

Send and block.

He well and truly is trying to keep his feet under the table, he'll move in to the spare room

😂

If he had asked nicely if he could do that and make other arrangements on his time with DC I could understand it but that is just hilarious.