Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

[birthdayboyy]

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

Back your partner up . If he doesn’t want the OW there maybe she should be sidelined permanently. Would it be a bad thing if she reaped what she sowed ? Your baby is too young to know or care who’s there . But your MIL will remember for ever as will her son .

I’m surprised so many people think you are being unreasonable. My parents are not together due to an affair, and one of them has another partner - it means a lot to me that they tolerate being together for important occasions and it also is lovely for my kids to have all their grandparents there for things like birthdays etc. Of course there is hurt there but especially when it isn’t a recent thing I feel that grown adults should be able to put aside their feelings for a few hours for the sake of their children/grand children. My life would be so much more complicated if one of my parents was refusing to be in the same place as the partner of the other.

My daughter’s in laws are divorced. The stepmother keeps a discreet distance at events such as meeting new babies etc. I think that’s respectful of her.

My life would be so much more complicated if one of my parents was refusing to be in the same place as the partner of the other

Oh dear. We can’t have your feelings hurt because of someone else trauma. How awful for you 🥲

My parents divorced, my mum did not want to - she was a staunch Catholic.

She never, ever got over it.

She spent 2 hours in the company of my stepmum in 40 years. That was my wedding day. I would never have put her in a position of having to be in the same room just for a kids party (that they will never remember). Just think of it as 3 family dos instead of 2. Kids don't care...

Agree with this. They're his parents so it's his call. Stay well out of it.

I think it depends on whether your DP doesn't want his Step Mother (not going to call her the OW after 20 years!) there because he really dislikes her or because he doesn't want to upset his mother.

I'd never expect two sides so opposed to each other to spend a day in close quarters. It just wouldn't go well.

If it was me and DP agreed, I would have MIL on Saturday and Fil +SMIL on the Sunday.
I think this would avoid a massive day long nervous cringe fest for all involved. The event would not be about your DC but about a 20 year old quarrel between DP's parents and it would probably be enough for you to go NC with all of them.

MIL can't insist that you go NC with your DC's other grandparents. Its not up to her. Its up to you and your DP and as I've said, it really depends on DP's feelings towards FIL and SMIL. It sounds as though he's still fed up with FIL and his unreliability but perhaps this is a chance of an olive branch.

You said that DP's DM objected to you visiting FIL and SMIL after visiting her at Xmas but I think this is unreasonable. Its understandable that she doesn't want to be in a small family group with them and so I think its fair to accommodate that but if you do, the trade in is that she can't have a tantrum because you are still treating them as grandparents, which they are. Whether they choose to get further involved or not is up to them.

I think MIL needs to become accustomed to the fact that FIL and SMIL have been together for 20 years and needs to not inflict 20 year old grudges on her son and grandchildren, although I understand this may be a big ask if it was very acrimonious at the time. But her problems are between her and FIL, not your DC. She ought to be able to accept that you meet up with the "other side"

In a way it might be better not to have a formal party for your 1 year old like this and just get each side used to seeing your DC on an informal basis in neutral territory and see how much interest the FIL actually takes in them. But I'd keep them seperate for the moment where possible. If for example it was a large event with 80 people, that's a different matter.

Her husband/partner doesn’t want his stepmother there. For some reason the op thinks she knows better even though she hasn’t been emotionally involved in the divorce.

Have you not looked at any of the many posts here where people explain exactly why they do not want to be forced into social situations with people who have very badly treated them, in a sustained way, after the actual divorce.

Lovely for you (but not for your parents) that they are able to tolerate each others' company despite the hurt to make life easier for you.

@Lowin2024 ‘My life would be so much more complicated if one of my parents was refusing to be in the same place as the partner of the other.’

But it’s not about you! If a decision was made that works for whichever parent had was betrayed fair enough but that’s not a blueprint for all of these situations.

Infidelity trauma is very real and I know of many people who years later would have a very visceral reaction to being put in a room with the two people who caused them that level of damage. It can be a horrific trigger. raise all of those trauma responses. Why anyone would be ok with that for a betrayed person because it makes their life slightly easier a few times a year I don’t know?

Let’s hope it never happens to you then! You might feel differently with your MIL’s lived experience. Show a little empathy why don’t you.
I would think that the child’s grandmother had more right to be there than a step mother, after all she brought your partner up 🤷🏼‍♀️
Going forward they will probably work out some sort of alternate arrangement but 1st birthday -too contentious.

I can understand why MIL is hurt and doesn’t want to see OW, but I don’t understand why OW is getting all the blame while MIL is ‘amicable’ with her ex. Ex is the one who married MIL, had at least one child with her, and then broke his commitment to both of them. Op even says Ex wasn’t a good dad to her husband. The OW owed MIL nothing. Ex made his own choice to cheat, he’s not some helpless little toy OW ripped out of MILs hands.

I agree with other posters about letting husband decide who to invite though.

You're right you haven't experienced it. I probably would have thought like you before my husband of 24 years cheated on me and left me for another woman. I am moving on with my life, dint have a choice but I would never want to see him with her no matter how many years have passed. It's not about being upset outwardly or causing a scene etc but about the reminder of the psychological trauma I went through.

A few people have said now, it's not the affair that causes the lasting pain,(in my experience) it's the behaviour and abuse afterwards. I was still very much amicable with my ex when he left for OW, although I was incredibly hurt I was getting on with it. Within weeks the abuse and his behaviour towards me, the not giving a fuck about the DC and the involvement of the OW in my life was horrendous. So that's what some people will never forget, not the affair.

Maybe because she shares a child with the father and not the OW.

I’m surprised you expect your parents to put on a facade to spare your feelings tbh. Why would you want to put your parents in such an uncomfortable position? I have a good relationship with both my parents. However, my mum always put me and my siblings first when she was going through a tough time after my father left us high and dry. I’m still trying to wrap my head around how much she suffered tbh.

Hell would freeze over before I put my mum in a room with my dad and his wife, knowing how she suffered at their hands.

The relationship I have with my dad is far removed from the relationship between him and my mum.

A man can be a terrible husband. That doesn’t make him a bad dad.

My dc do not need adults at their birthday parties. No child does. Honestly your dc won’t notice whether his GM, GF, Auntie, cousin or the cats mother is present at his birthday party.

Don't make someone else’s life experiences all about you. Would you want your DS wishes and feelings to be ignored by any future partner?

Just thought … if someone with so little life experience told me to grow up regarding a life changing event for my family then they would fall soooo far down my list of priorities, I think they would fall off the bottom.

Although I'm on your MIL side about avoiding the step-mum, I don't agree she should give your DH a hard time when he spends time with his Dad and step-mum. That's really not fair.

My MIL & my SIL still hold a grudge against the ‘OW’ after 34 years 🫣
We've never invited FIL & his wife to the same do as MIL as I know how upset she would be.

You need to work round it… either separate time slots so they aren’t at the party at the same time, or celebrate with FIL & his wife another time.

You've said your DH would be uncomfortable so I think you need to listen to him. I’ve always been able to manage the situation. Yes, my FIL and his wife miss out on a lot of kids lives but we still make sure to include them in other days out/ways.

My dc do not need adults at their birthday parties. No child does. Honestly your dc won’t notice whether his GM, GF, Auntie, cousin or the cats mother is present at his birthday party.

weird take. Most kids have strong loving relationships with their adult relatives and would want them at parties. Or is this just because he’s only 1? He will have another 17 or so years of childhood birthdays that he will be increasingly aware of.

She sounds like a covert narc to be honest. Most reasonable people would put all this to one side and be civil and not guilt trip their children about spending time with the other parent.

👏👏👏
Me refusing to sit down to dinner with a man who insulted me, criticized and undermined my parenting, threatened me physically, bullied me via lawyers and all the rest after we had divorced is me being grown up.

@Tangled123 ’The OW owed MIL nothing.’

I always find this statement so ironic when it’s on threads requesting that the betrayed partner behaves better to the OW or doesn’t have any bad feelings.

Why is it the OW owed the betrayed nothing but the betrayed owes the OW her good grace?

This is a load of rubbish. OP already said she's doing a separate party for her side of the family. Also what significant events are you thinking of? Christening and wedding are the only ones I can think of where you would care about everyone being there at the same time. Both bigger events where they can avoid each other. There's no need to have every "significant adult" there at a birthday party and in real life surely that would hardly ever happen, just for logistical reasons?

@Usernamechange1234 my point is she should be mad at both of them. If she’s only mad at one, it should be ex, rather than ow.