Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

[birthdayboyy]

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

Ah, 'get a grip'. Lovely.

@birthdayboyy - you wrote "I would not override DP on this as it’s his family, but I’m minded to be honest with him how I feel about it as it all seems ridiculous to me. This is a special occasion for my son."

It's your DP's son too. He should be deciding that all significant adults in your son's life should be sharing in your son's significant events. I realise that this is a 1st birthday but what is likely to happen at other future significant events in your son's life? Are you to ignore your FiL's second wife for everything? Has your DP provided an answer to that? Has your DP tried to approach his mother about this so that you can eventually invite everyone to things?

Jesus, I thought mine was bad. Have a non MN hug.

This, don't butt into things that you have no knowledge of.
So if your dh went off and cheated on you, you would be ok to be in the same room as them? Think about that for a second.

Who says she doesn't blame him?

And she may be laughing her head off at the fact that he has to explain to the OW - yet again, 20 years on! - that she's not invited, and subsequently deal with the consequences of him having had a nice cosy afternoon with his ex and the DC.

Invite to the event, whoever you want at the event.
It's up to them to make the decision about whether or not to attend.

My DH doesn’t view his step parents as either parents or grandparents. They are his parents partners. So he has no particular desire to prioritise them over his family members

so it depends on your DPs relationship with sm which doesn’t sound particularly familial

Thank you for this elegant post. I understand where you are coming from.

I realised after I wrote upthread that "OP is entitled to her feelings" that I was being stupidly, ironically contradictory with regards to MIL's feelings. Yes, she is entitled to act on them and set her own boundaries.

I think my initial responses were coloured by my own experiences of being horribly betrayed by people close to me (but in different contexts to yours and MIL's) and then being forced by others to 'act nice for the greater good'. I had to suck it up.

But it was wrong that my boundaries were so trampled over and other people's feelings were prioritised way over mine. I should not now wish to impose that on others.

So then why would you even butt in?
It doesn't matter if it's 20 years, you did not go through your family breaking up so you have no place to expect people to 'grow up'

Your son is 1 and will have no idea, so it isn't a special occasion for him in that way. So not worth dying in a ditch on this one. If in 5 years time he's v close with step gran then worth making a point then. They may have fixed it / broken up / died by then.

FWIW I have a stepmother, children, a bitter mother, etc. My step mother always volunteers to duck out when it's not a big deal to her or when its a small group. She attends weddings, etc where the people whose day it is are aware of her presence and she can mingle in with others. Skips wedding rehearsals, nights before weddings, smaller more intimate things. Not worth the drama.

I agree with this poster. It might be your dh’s family but it’s your child and if this isn’t sorted now it’s going to cause problem after problem for years to come.

So FIL was a shit father after the affair as well. DH has grounds for his prioritising the parent who made the effort.

Fil will manage with coming second, you should support your DPs decision on this. dont push.

'Never forget, never forgive' is a good mindset to have. That way, there's less chance of being taken for a fool ever again. I'm with your MIL on this

Thank you. It was 10 years ago and I've long moved on but I would never want to see him again, from a distance yes, close quarters, no way.

I hear you. Luckily my own daughter is a young adult now so there is no need for contact between us at all.

MIL decides not to be in a room with a person she chooses not to be the her decision should be respected.

Of course she can decide, it's her choice. But that doesn't mean the new partner shouldn't be invited. Everyone should be invited and then they get to make their own decisions about their attendance.

Just to add that if you are not happy to be flexible on this, you should have chosen a different husband tbh. It must have been in issue throughout the time you've known him. Not all families can play happy families and a good partner has empathy for that and accomodates. All my sibling-in laws and my husband know the drill.

Fortunately, the OP's partner here - the "difficult" MIL's son - sounds sensible and loyal to his mother (and pretty lukewarm about his dad - what a surprise!) and is not ever going to take that route.

Does it make any difference that OP’s DP doesn’t want his SM at the party? Or should he suck it up and invite her because the mother of D.C. wants a nice family pic (to post on SM) whilst doing so may cause distress to the mum who fed him, clothed him, housed him and cared for him while his father shagged another woman?

@Baconking thank you.

@birthdayboyy I know you are super focused on your son’s first birthday but honestly you are being quite insensitive.

Affairs cause absolute devastation, whether your DH remembers that or not. I think you need to be more empathetic and the correct thing is for the OW to stay at home and sit this one out.

Should she have moved on? Imagine your family set-up and the future you imagined for it being taken away by a woman happy to sleep with a married man with children. Maybe it never goes away and still breaks her.

You might think “oh this is silly, time has moved on” but for her, 20 years later she’s suddenly expected to be in the same room as the woman who hurt her and pretend it’s not the most awkward and triggering thing so everyone else is comfortable?

I would make DF’s wife feel included in other ways - extra visits and nice times with your son, just for her.

It’s very easy to see things through rose tinted glasses and think that time heals, that people should just get over it. It’s not how it works. Affairs are traumatic and abusive.

Why should your MIL be forced into a room with the OW and just suck it up so everyone else feels better; boundaries are important.

FWIW I think that if you decide to involve yourself in someone else’s marriage and family by cheating you just have to accept that your life moving forward be in some way affected by your actions.

Your DP seems to have a handle on this and clear boundaries that support his mum, do not get involved. Leave it for him to navigate.

What would you like your son to do if you are in your MILs position in 30 years?

Let your daughter in law decide?

And also your son is definitely not going to notice his step granny not being there, let alone remember.

A perfect Mumsnet thread- the opportunity to bash a universal villain (a mil) and cheer on a universal angel (a step mother) 🤣