Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

[birthdayboyy]

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

My dc must have missed out terribly then. There again they were all happy running around and blowing out their birthday candles with their friends when they were young and adventure parties with their friends now they are older.

Honestly. No they never missed out on a bunch of adults hanging around drinking tea or swilling wine at their parties. Why would they? They are well aware of who love them and who their GPs are. They are the people who play a big part in their every day lives, every day. Families are not just for birthday parties and Christmas Day.

MIL may never get over it, and it may never be conducive to a happy event to invite them all. That's life, and having empathy for the people involved.

OW was not at my wedding, or my sister's. Those two weddings are the only time my divorced parents have been in the same room as each other since they divorced. I don't expect it to change.

I didn't invite my dad to my recent significant birthday party, because it would have made it miserable for my mum. I'm not here to make things miserable for my mum.

Why according to what law? Sorry but really why?

We’ve established that neither owe each other anything. You feel the OW did not owe the betrayed wife anything as not married to her, my argument is why do you now feel that her response should ‘owe’ the OW more grace than the husband?

You do believe there is one rule for the OW and one for the betrayed.

It’s quite straightforward as to why the feelings run deeper for the ow, when kids are involved the betrayed has to create a functioning working relationship if possible to be able to negotiate the coparenting.

I'm sure she's mad at both.
But she had to be in the same room as her ex while the kids were growing up.

Refusing to socialise with the OW is her choice and her right, and it will have served her mental health well down the years. In my case, refusing to have anything to do with the OW was aimed at both of them.

I’d invite everyone or do 2 things - not necessarily 2 parties.

Mine too. Can anyone explain why I have to be in a room with a man and a woman who both chose to be in my house, in my bed, when I returned home earlier than planned?

And furthermore why these people were shagging on the day that skank declared “TIL death us do part” and was still shagging her 20 years later. And it doesn’t end there! All to save someone else’s feelings?

They took full advantage of my absolute shock and horror at their very smug stance …., and then proceeded to use my “Poor mental health” as a way to take my children from me! And that’s not the end of it! I’m saying no more except…. I thank God my now adult dc see it for what it was and always run their plans by me first. I’m allowed to decide what’s best for me and they make sure I don’t miss out on my GC’s special occasions.

I’ve had no choice than to converse with the father of my children due to the law. I owe nothing to his floozy. I have no wish to be in a room with her - ever! And I don’t need to be. He chose her. He’s welcome. Nobody else need involve themselves with their seedy lifestyle.

YABU. I don’t know why you’re putting your own thoughts into this when both your DH and your baby’s GM don’t want the other woman there.

Why would you want someone there that destroyed a family and broke up a marriage? Do you think that they are good examples for your son? You might not care about it, and might think that it was 20 years ago so MIL needs to grow up, but you weren’t there. Another woman broke up my parents’ marriage after 30 years. I blame the other woman and my father equally. I was left to pick up the pieces of my mother who sank into a horrific depression and I spent my formative years worrying she was going to top herself. Nobody else was there holding my mum’s hand whilst she cried every night. It was 20 years ago but I will never forget or forgive what he did (and have never spoken to him again).
It’s easy to say ‘grow up’ when you didn’t experience it.

I think it's fairly understandable that she doesn't really want to be around her

Quite. It might be two decades ago but it blew up her entire life and family
and perceived future.

TBH, I wouldn't be organising my life around MILs drama from 20-fucking-years ago. She needs to grow up/get over it. She's had 2 decades to mope about this, but now it's time to put someone else (her literal flesh and blood grandchild) first.

Personally, I'd invite everyone I wanted to invite (perhaps everyone DH wants to invite, as it's his side of the family) and let them get on with it.

They all need to grow up, all three of them! It happened 20 years ago, he wouldnt have left for no reason, if it was a happy marriage and it obviously wasnt meant to be. Totally feel I can say this, my husbands parents split when he was 14. Mum had an affair and left for the other man, they are now together 30 years, married 25. Both parents suck it up for the sake of the 'kids' (my dh and his sister) at things like weddings, births, parties etc because otherwise the only people it is hurting is the 'kids' (adults) and the grandkids. My kids call his mums husband grandad, his dad doesnt get his knickers in a twist and when his mum had a serious, life threatening illness he actually knocked on her door to make sure she was ok and send his best wishes. It is called growing up and moving on

It’s not ‘MILS drama’

Her partner doesn’t want the step mum there either, but for some reason OP thought she might invite her anyway.

If you ever spend much time on the Relationships board you will see a lot of women receiving support to deal with shitty husbands who have left them for the OW, and trying desperately not to badmouth their ex to their children whilst negotiating his poor excuses for co-parenting. The received wisdom is always to keep the faith and trust that, over time, the children will see their father for who he is. Twenty years on, this is exactly what that looks like and I applaud your DH for his loyalty to his mother. I am pleased to see that you have recanted some of the more unpleasant parts of your OP.

It's possible for people to have special occasions even when they are not the centre of the universe. Honestly, what is wrong with some people?!

So if your husband has an affair, you'll say c'est la vie, it wouldn't have happened for no reason?

No of course not, I would bloody make him pay, but not to the detriment of my kids and their feelings, if I had to be a grown up for a few hours so my kids felt comfortable and could invite me and my 'ex' to things like this then I would. You dont need to all be best mates sharing stories, you dont even need to talk, but you do need to put things to one side for your kids and not make them choose

Bit awkward if there’s 5 of you in a living room and 3 of the group are trying to ignore each other

agree at a big gathering but a small event it’s totally unreasonable and will just be so awkward

So you'd put your baby first but not your partner's wishes, just so you can get your own way and his family get to see your baby mashing birthday cake in his fists?

Awful behaviour. In fact it's just as selfish as the OP's MIL.

I agree with this. My parents are divorced with new partners but never speak to each other when they’re in the same room - and I’ve had lots of birthday parties for my DC over the years. There’s no animosity between, just complete indifference, and they’ll talk to each other’s partners. It’s really weird and pisses me off!

I think just invite the MIL. There's so many details about the affair you won't know. For example your MIL might have worried or even known they'd had sex in the marital bed. Things that unless you experience it you won't know how violating it'd feel. That betratal must have made her feel like the rug was ripped out from under her and her life was a lie and home tarnished.

The fact she favours her ex husband is a sign that she can't bare to let the reality of it really sink in even now as it's too painful so she still sees him in a good light.

It could be that the other woman is quite a kind person who fell in love who knows but I don't think it's petty of the MIL. The day would be overshadowed and where do you draw the line..invite the "other woman" to every communal family event. Imagine if this happened to you and it was your grandchildren's parties. It'd be shit.

Thank you everyone for the comments, I’ve read them all and realise I’m being unempathetic. I’ll leave to my DP to navigate as I realise it’s none of my business really. As pp have said this could be me in 30 years time and you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

I meant as a couple, apologies.
As the hosts of a party for their child, they don't need to be second guessing who will or won't want who there.
They need to just invite the people they want, and if someone chooses to decline because they'll feel awkward, that's on them, and is their right to do that.
Parents of a young child, hosting a party, have enough to bloody do and worry about before second guessing whether all their guests get on.

Yes. And it is possible for other people to say, I'm not going along with that arrangement because it costs me too much.

My kids saw the treatment I was meted out, and never expect me to be in the same room as him.

The birthday boy's dad here has the same sensibility.

Decent people don't put the people they love into situations they know they will find extremely uncomfortable ( bordering on triggering).

The voice of inexperience.

@Usernamechange1234 I already answered that in my first post. EX wronged Mil more by disregarding their relationship and not being a good dad to their kid(s).
Their kids are now grown, so she has no legal obligation to be civil to him anymore. IMO, MIL doesn’t need to forgive either of them but it looks like she has, but the one she forgave hurt wronged her the most. I don’t understand that.