Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

[birthdayboyy]

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

Yep, he was an absolute arsehole to me. But it was 12 years ago now and I love my DS more than I hate him.

MMhh ok then. No need for the love your kids speech, you're supposed to love your kids no matter what. It would do them good to show them that being treated badly is not to be tolerated. Covering up for arsehole parents shouldn't be done either. Kids deserve to know who their parents really are.

Not everyone’s life experiences are the same as yours. You cannot dictate how others should feel or act after divorce or any trauma they have experienced. If life were so simple eh?

That’s great for you if you must understand that different people react differently

this is a small get together and it would be thoroughly weird to sit mil, fil and smil in the same room and expect them to pretend nothing happened in the past. This is certainly not the occasion to attempt a rapprochement.

meh, i personally would not be interested in maintaining a civil relationship with the person who contributed to the breakdown of my family.

You have to be civil with your co-parent because of your shared children, everyone else would be non existent.
I think a scorned partner can hold a grudge for as long as they see fit frankly.

It always the victim who has to be the bigger person and pretend the lying, betrayal and devastation of their family life wasn't a big deal.

fuck breaking bread with affair partners.

You’ll find with grandchildren now part of the equation these issues will come up more and more. Whilst I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable of MIL to not want to be around the ‘OW’ (and it is possible to plan around that in most cases) it sounds more deep seated than that if your comment about Christmas/Boxing Day lunch is anything to go by. Her being upset about that was completely unreasonable and you DO NOT want to inadvertently set any precedents in that regard.

I agree with your view that MiL should put her feelings aside for the sake of her DC and DGC, but I don’t think it’s your place to try and push your view on her. This is your DH’s DM and step-mum, if he doesn’t want to fight that battle you need to step back. Whose feelings to prioritise amoung his DM, DF and step-mum is up to him, not you.

I'm certainly not trying to dictate how others should feel, I'm explaining what approach I would take. A few posters seem angry that my approach would be different to theirs.

I wouldn't consider me attending small events which my exH and his wife were also at as 'covering up' their behaviour etc either. Two things can exist at once. My exH and his wife (to a lesser extent) are both dickheads without a doubt, and I also want to be part of my DC's event and want DC to enjoy himself.

People on MN seem to understand full well that an abusive man can wear you down in a marriage to the point that you don't know yourself. In a bad marriage the remedy is to LTB.

But if you are already divorced and are doing your best to be a good parent 12 days out of 14 to your small children, while working full time and he continues with the wearing-down crap, criticisms of your parenting, doing the parental alienation thing with the kids he rarely sees, sucking your dry with his need for narcissistic supply and punishing you when you tell him no:

You can't LTB cos you're no longer married to him
You can't go NC because of the children

So you put as much social and emotional distance as you can between him and you.

Like you, I can be with him in a room with a large gathering of people and smile and nod at him. But in a small room, with social chit-chat? Why would I put myself in that firing line again?

I keep my distance from my ex more for the way he has treated me since we divorced than for the way he treated me when we were married.

Wow! Are your dc so selfish that they expect you to suck it up and stand to attention whenever they want to put you in an awkward situation? Because it suits them? Or are you happy to chat to your ex in a small room because, like millions of men he cheated and like millions of women they got over it?

Theres divorce because a husband (or wife) had a fling and there’s divorce which led to major life trauma for the wronged party.

I love my mum and that is why I would never put her in a position where she would relive the trauma she’s suffered for 20+ years.

My DC haven’t suffered one bit. In fact they get 2 birthdays. That works best for everyone.

Your divorce is nothing like the divorce OP’s MIL has lived through, obviously! 🙄

I don't think you're understanding my point, It wasn't the affair that made me want to have nothing to do with my ex, it was the abuse that came afterwards. It is entirely possible to move on from an affair/split, of course it is. I did until the abuse started. No-one should be forced to spend time with their abuser. Good for you that it's all amicable and you didn't have to tolerate abuse.

I guess that is the MIL's boundary. As a new divorcee with (I assume) school-age children, she would not have been able to say to her ex "I will never be in a room with you again". But she could say "I'll tolerate being in a room with you for the sake of the children, but I will never be in a room with her". This is her boundary, and this boundary gave her some control of the situation and allowed her to move on.

I don't find it hard to accept - I drew the same boundary with my ex and wife #2 (he's on #3 now).

I haven't said that it's either amicable or that my exH was not abusive. Sorry that your exH is an arsehole as well as mine. But OP's posts don't suggest that her FIL was abusive, just that he had an affair many, many years ago.

OP won’t know the ins and outs of it though. Even her DP won’t have the full picture.

I'm really sorry to hear he put you through all that. I'm exactly the same, it was his treatment after we split that shocked me. He was actually a nice man when we were together. From the day he walked out the door for OW, he was someone I didn't recognise and haven't since.

MIL needs to meet with OW and bury the hatchet. That’s the grown up solution.

The fact that people insist on holding onto grudges for years and encouraging younger generations to take sides, is partly responsible for the sad state of the world.

My ex was a bastard to me at the time with his affair when I was pregnant, but that was over 20yrs ago and I think it’s wrong to allow it to poison and affect subsequent generations. Therefore, we all behave cordially towards each other on the rare occasions we have to meet.

I doubt the 9 month old baby is fussed either way.

I would not want to leave step MIL out if I liked her and she was good to my child. Also because you are having a party with your family seperately. I would choose a different celebration with his family so MIL and FIL with Step MIL all see grandchild on/around birthday.

For me day out with me, dh, child and MIL to a child friendly activity then meal at home with Fil and wife that evening. MIL is prioritised as seeing grandchild first and joining activity. Step Mil and Fil come together later.

But if not possible then I would go with Dh's feelings on it.

Why would OP know the details of her MILs divorce 20 years ago? She wouldn’t!

Not even my best friend knows the more humiliating details of my divorce and the after affects. Because it’s too humiliating to share.

OP’s DP has seen a glimpse of his DM’s suffering. He won’t be appraised of all the facts. He, himself, doesn’t want his SM at his DC’s party. Does that tell you anything?

I love this!
All that truth in a disdain-coated nutshell, with a thick icing of self respect.

So the SM instigated the whole affair? How very convenient that the MIL doesn't blame her ex-husband and can be civil to him. This is misogyny at its finest..

I would not override DP on this as it’s his family, but I’m minded to be honest with him how I feel about it as it all seems ridiculous to me. This is a special occasion for my son.

Of course you should be honest with your partner, even if you aren't having any say in the final decision.

Personally I'd be telling MIL to get a grip. If she is still traumatised 20yrs later, to the point where she can't be civil for a couple of hours, she needs some serious help.

If it was just the affair that MIL is still stinging from then I agree that she should move on. I did. It wasn't the affair that hurt me as much as the aftermath, it was shocking, truly. So it's hard to say if she's being unreasonable I suppose without knowing.

We have this in our family. 20 years ago they split up and there wasn't even any cheating. The only time they were in the same place was their daughter's wedding and even that was minimal attendance from one. I don't think it's fair to make them meet especially in a small space with not many people. The tension would ruin the event anyway.

It's your husbands family so let him lead on this. You don't know anything about what actually happened. My viewpoint is that you should try and accommodate them all but they need to cooperate if they want to avoid each other. So invite them all but ask one to come early and then leave whether other arrives. Or have 2 events. Or invite one to the birthday and the other for a zoo trip or other occasion. It's not that hard, really.

Maybe she does need serious help. Any idea how she can access proper, relevant support? I guess you’ve done it. Give us all the nod please?

Even if after all this (nonexistent) support if MIL decides not to be in a room with a person she chooses not to be the her decision should be respected. No one year old would be devastated because Granny isn’t at his birthday party. Especially if granny makes a special party/outing for him at a later date.

The dc will know granny loves him if she is a hands on GM. Love isn’t dependent on turning up for a birthday party when you’d rather stick needles in your eye.