Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

[birthdayboyy]

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

My parents have been divorced for nearly 30 years but I'll still avoid them being together for the sake of my mum if I can help it. The divorce was that long ago but then they shared children and there was lots of difficult situations involved that made things difficult for my Mum, issues with finances, custody arrangements, things said by my Dad's new partners etc. So whilst it happened so long ago people could say just get over it, it didn't end with the divorce. Is this maybe a similar situation that would explain the lingering feelings? Even something like him leaving her in a financially difficult situation could have had a practical impact on her for years. I think it's difficult to understand the feelings if you havent been in that situation yourself.

Either way I'd go with what your Husband suggests, it's his family and he'll have a better grasp of the situation than you and is also likely the one who will feel the consequences most if his parents have a disagreement.

That does sometimes happen but OP has given no details on what happened here and it could have been significantly worse and there could have been drama afterwards with the OW. My Dad left the country so he didn't have to pay child maintenence and then managed to become extremely wealthy. My Mum had a 2 year old and was 8 months pregnant when he cheated and left her, she had to give up her job as she was in the army and we all struggled financially for years while she retrained and picked herself up again. My step mother managed to live as a house wife whilst her children got absolutley anything they wanted on my fathers money and when my mum called up crying because she was being threatened with bailiffs my step mother laughed. I'd never ask my mum to sit down with either of them but particularly my step mum because whilst my what my Dad did was worse as he was the one with the responsibility to us she has managed to put aside the hatred with him for the sake of me and my brother because no matter what happens he is our Dad and she can't change that. My step mother is nothing to us, there's no reason she should forgive her for the way she behaved for years and years after and she only apologised for her behaviour and cruelty once my Dad did similar to her.

Regardless of what you think, the situation is what it is. Saying/thinking she should get over it won’t change the situation. If you try, you’ll regret it as she will hold a grudge against you for the next 20 years. Just take the easy route.

Respect the family dynamics - it isn’t for you to tell people how they should feel and behave.

Agree with this. It makes no sense to invite them all if it's just going to create a tense /awkward atmosphere. They may be civil for the party but you will feel the atmosphere.

I hate to say this, but even your title got my hackles up. Your mil has set her boundaries and because you now have a child you want to go against both her boundaries and your husbands wishes because you feel your child’s feelings over ride a deep hurt that was done to your mil? Take it from me, 12 years on after my ex left me for a serial homewrecker and foolishly married her, I would not ever want to be in the same room as her and never should her being invited be prioritised over the deep hurt it still causes me to this day. Time to accept that life isn’t easy and if you have to make small accomadations to spare people distress, then so be it. Please don’t be an entitled mum.

I’m not sure what thread you’ve been reading, but that’s not the vibe I get at all. The FIL appears to be wanted at the event, as is the SM. However MIL is still making things awkward for the SM. She’s amicable with her husband who, by the sounds of it cheated on her, but is awful to the SM alone - who from the posts sounds to be a reasonable person.

The OP even recalled that MIL got upset when they saw FIL and SM on Boxing Day after spending both Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day with MIL. She sounds childish and selfish, and this is impacting others.

No one is asking her to be friends with either FIL or his wife (though she manages to be friendly with FIL alone 🤔) she just needs to be mature and reasonable enough to accept that life changes and not to make life difficult for those she claims to love.

My husband left me for another woman in lockdown…I can assure you that in 20 years, 40 years or 400 years I won’t be “moving on”. In fact you can pop it on my gravestone 😂 I’m fine with everyday life now, but you won’t catch me sharing a slice of birthday cake with her that’s for sure.

the fact that your husband doesn’t want her there, means you really don’t need to push it any further. But in any other situation, I’d say ask them both and give them both the option to opt in or opt out with no hard feelings whatever they decide.

Ultimately with an atmosphere like that, it won’t be an Enjoyable day for anyone!

My dad had an affair about 15 years ago and I would never expect my mum to be in the same room as the other woman. She is civil to my dad at things like weddings but I see no reason why she should have to play nice with someone who ripped our family apart!

OP posts:

"DP feels his father hasn't bothered with him much over the years, he cant rely on him etc".

"DP very much feels that he's made his bed so can lie in it"

"MIL's feelings should be put first as that's how my DP feels"

Oh, and in her very first post:

"DP says he'd rather his step mother didn't come".

So, I have indeed been reading the thread. Carefully. You, not so much. OW spectacles can really blur things.

Clearly you can’t read either if you think I have OW spectacles? 😂

The grandson is FILs family, he’s entitled to an invite and as OP clearly states, his wife is a part of the kids life. They can’t simply be excluded because of a woman-child and her mummy’s boy son.

Your use of the word "entitled" says everything. How dare a woman place boundaries that may impact a man's entitlement!

But it was your father who ripped the family apart - he was the one who made commitments to you all.

I can understand ongoing reluctance to engage with the cheating spouse (or both the cheat and the OW/M together) and definitely keeping well clear of an abusive ex - I don't think that would be surprising at all.

Neither of those are the situation described here by the OP. Here the situation described is that the MiL is on amicable terms with the cheat, fully blaming the OW for his infidelity. Presumably the OW drugged and kidnapped the poor helpless man?

This is a misogynistic mindset which doesn't only affect her - it puts her son in the position of regularly having to "pick her" and separate the FiL from his now wife of 20 years at family occasions.

Its just putting her DS and DGC (who have done absolutely nothing wrong) in a difficult position with half their family. They should be able to spend part of Christmas with their DF/DGF without getting ear ache from the DM on the grounds that "that woman" was present.

Why should a woman’s (or ANYONE’S) boundaries affect another persons right to see their own family members??? Unless they are some kind of abusive or violent danger then they are still a part of the family whether woman scorned likes it or not.

Are you some kind of serial man hater? That’s a weird and warped thing to say!

There you go again with entitlement thing. A grandparent has only as much "right" to see their grandchild as the child's parents allow them.

Oh, and if the situation between FIL and MIL were reversed, I'd be rooting for FIL's feelings to be respected.

Thankfully OP seems a normal person, wanting her child to have access to ALL his family members. It’s a shame mummy’s boy is being manipulated against his father. Are you OP’s MIL??

It takes a special kind of crazy to prevent a normal, loving grandparent from having a relationship with their grandkids.

Same here. My father was another who married the latest of several women he had affairs with. Nothing would have persuaded me to invite her to anything, let alone something important to my mother.

MIL could learn to suck it up as there’s going to be kids of this from now on, but if either of them have to bow out then it should be the step MIL. Regardless of how long ago it is, you can’t be the other woman and not be spect it to have an impact on the family you helped to divide, so she’s the one who should graciously avoid these situations.

Thank you for putting this so well. "Be Kind" is exactly what I'm getting from all this "she should be over it by now" and "holding onto a grudge" crap. Who actually chooses such feelings? Nobody I can think of. I know my mum didn't, she became indifferent to her waste of space ex and eventually said him leaving was the best thing he ever did - but no way would she have wanted to be in the same room as his OW second wife. Nor can I imagine anyone inviting OW to anything important; she wasn't at my sister's wedding, and to give idiot father some credit, I don't think he'd have been stupid enough to think she should have been.

Yes obviously my dad was as much to blame. But I also have an entire childhood of lovely memories with him and my mum had 30 years of happy marriage. He has grandchildren that I want him to have a relationship with. The OW however neither I nor my mum have the slightest alliegence to or any reason to want to interact with her....

It’s not about just the little one! It’s about respecting mil boundaries and her pain. She obviously tolerates her ex the same as I do mine, but would I want to socialise with the harlot? No! As for saying the cheaters should go and not Milford goodness sake how wrong can you be! Hasn’t she suffered enough. Mum needs to listen to her husband. He has seen what she has been through and isn’t keen for sm to go. It’s perfectly possible to have separate functions like meals and events. Having a baby does not mean they have priority over someone’s genuine pain and boundaries. This new mum needs to stay out of close family affairs and leave it to her husband to sort his side of the family.

This is rediculous, this woman has been married to your FIL for 15 years and she still has to tread on eggshells and not get invited to family events? Weird.

I agree with you OP. I’d invite them all, tell them all that’s what you’ve done and they can then make their own decisions as to whether or not to attend. Of course I’d want to talk it through with my DP first.

It’s been 2 fricking decades & yes it does seem unfair that SM gets left out. Why should MIL call the shots?!!
For the sake of their joint grandchild why can’t they suck it up, put their big girl pants on & be amicable for the ONLY reason they are all there together for half a day/ couple hours.

indeed.

And if the husband is hoping the father steps up and insists on attending solo to be part of grandchilds life, well he probably won't. i imagine step gran is probably the more involved person of the 2.

So 2 parties for that side, if he wants to keep his dad in his life.

having mum and dad sat together at this sort of thing always seems odd. recognise their new relationships. At a wedding too - don't try and pretend parents are still married.

sorry - dupe post

and i read the "DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come" part as meaning - IF A CHOICE BETWEEN MUM AND SM. ie to avoid issues.

rather than he doesn't like his SM who he spend xmas with.

if he really doesn't like her, then its all different.