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Original poster

Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

451 replies

birthdayboyy · 19/04/2024 08:40

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 22/04/2024 02:43

One of my best friends was caught up in this kind of things as a child and 22 decades could pass and they’d never want to be in the same room. Respect your DH’s feelings on this

HelpMeUnpickThis · 22/04/2024 08:58

Prydddan · 19/04/2024 19:30

Sorry, @HelpMeUnpickThis , I didn't mean to piggyback on your heartbreaking post. I am so very sorry for what happened to your mum. I'd forgotten that aspect of my ex's egregious behaviour.

It is frustrating when people treat the end of a marriage as if is was just like being dumped in the Sixth Form. There are endless traumas that the wife-dumped-with-the-kids has to endure. But, hey, it was 20 years ago, so get over it.

Show quote history

@Prydddan no need for an apology at all - it's an emotive subject! I hope all is well with you now 💐

Cath082 · 22/04/2024 09:52

With all due respect until you have been in MIL’s situation then I think you should just keep you thoughts to yourself.
You are a newbie to this and have no idea what MIL went through as a result of the ‘other woman’ as much as you want a happy family get together just realise this isn’t about you.
Even your DP has made his feelings clear.
You are being very unreasonable!

Emmz1510 · 22/04/2024 10:27

While I do think your mil is being rather ridiculous to not at least be able to be civil to this woman and to have moved on after 20 years (?!), and it would annoy me that she is able to be amicable with your fil (what’s the deal with that? He’s equally culpable surely?) I think this is such a long standing resentment that you’ve no hope of changing it now and you risk just bringing unnecessary drama into your little ones party. Your DH has also made his feelings clear so you kind of have to be guided by him on this. Plan something separate with fil and partner.

Emmz1510 · 22/04/2024 10:29

Cath082 · 22/04/2024 09:52

With all due respect until you have been in MIL’s situation then I think you should just keep you thoughts to yourself.
You are a newbie to this and have no idea what MIL went through as a result of the ‘other woman’ as much as you want a happy family get together just realise this isn’t about you.
Even your DP has made his feelings clear.
You are being very unreasonable!

Presumably what the mil went through was also caused by the OPs father in law though? not all on the other woman. Yet she is able to be amicable with him 🤔

Emmz1510 · 22/04/2024 10:31

Baconking · 19/04/2024 09:02

It's a special occasion for you.

Your son is 1 so will have no clue or care about this party.

Have a read of the relationships board and see the utter devastation that cheating has on women and families. It doesn't matter if they didn't get on, he cheated rather than leave first. Who knows how the OW behaved at the time.

MIL doesn't need to grow up. Maybe you could try having some empathy

’Utter devastation’ that was caused only by the other woman? And yet mil is able to be amicable with fil…..
Loving the sexism on this thread

Cath082 · 22/04/2024 11:29

The reality probably is that the MIL wants nothing to do with either of them but has chosen to be civil for the sake of their son. However, she has put up boundaries around her relationship with the ‘other woman’, they don’t have to be in each others lives.
I hope you never have to be in this situation because from first hand experience it’s horrible.

Prydddan · 22/04/2024 12:11

Cath082 · 22/04/2024 11:29

The reality probably is that the MIL wants nothing to do with either of them but has chosen to be civil for the sake of their son. However, she has put up boundaries around her relationship with the ‘other woman’, they don’t have to be in each others lives.
I hope you never have to be in this situation because from first hand experience it’s horrible.

Edited

It really is very simple to understand, isn't it, for anyone with a bit of empathy and experience.

And how anybody could think that a woman who has maintained a level of civility while also protecting a boundary in this way needs to "grow up"...

BrickPombear · 22/04/2024 12:39

Leave this too your husband. While part of me thinks it was 20 fricking years ago the other part feels that cheating has its consequences and destroying families is one of them. A lot of those wounds never heal. Personally I wouldn't go to my partners children's weddings or birthday parties ect unless they specifically asked me too. His ex wasn't very happy when we started seeing each other (we didn't cheat and I didn't know either of them when they where together but still she took it badly) so I wouldn't want to ruin moments of her children's lives for her by being there, i would hope his SM would understand. Your husband needs to have a conversation with them both for the future and try to reach a compromise, but for now he doesn't want SM there so respect that.

BrickPombear · 22/04/2024 12:41

Emmz1510 · 22/04/2024 10:31

’Utter devastation’ that was caused only by the other woman? And yet mil is able to be amicable with fil…..
Loving the sexism on this thread

Show quote history

Maybe because they share a child/children so have had to form an amicable relationship to parent their child properly.

Whatstheword21 · 22/04/2024 12:53

“Other woman” knew the consequences. Mother in law should be the priority.

Rainbow1101 · 22/04/2024 12:54

25 years ago, my dad cheated on my mom, and she remains deeply upset with him, wanting no involvement with him whatsoever. As an outsider, it's tempting to advise her to let go after so many years, but we can't fully grasp the extent of her pain. It's not fair to expect her to simply grow up when we don't have all the details of what she's been through.

Riapia · 22/04/2024 12:59

So once again it’s the woman that’s to blame, luring a wonderful husband and father away from his happy family.

ZetuianRose · 22/04/2024 12:59

If this was my DP and I wasn’t invited, he simply wouldn’t go (similar situation but a little different). Don’t be surprised if by uninviting SM, that FIL doesn’t attend the party either.

If this was a recent thing I’d maybe understand, but after so many years I think MIL needs to see what impact this is going to have on you and your family.

Prydddan · 22/04/2024 13:13

Riapia · 22/04/2024 12:59

So once again it’s the woman that’s to blame, luring a wonderful husband and father away from his happy family.

Has anyone actually said that?

I know there are now loads of women on this thread who have offered plausible explanations as to why the MIL might tolerate hervex but not the OW.

But it is easier to blame a woman for blaming the OW than accepting that she might blame both.

Prydddan · 22/04/2024 13:14

ZetuianRose · 22/04/2024 12:59

If this was my DP and I wasn’t invited, he simply wouldn’t go (similar situation but a little different). Don’t be surprised if by uninviting SM, that FIL doesn’t attend the party either.

If this was a recent thing I’d maybe understand, but after so many years I think MIL needs to see what impact this is going to have on you and your family.

From what I gather, the FIL wouldn't really be missed by his DS. I think MIL and her DS have got a handle on this, after 20 years.

Funny that MIL sticking by her principles here is side-eyed as not "grown up" while your FIL sticking by his is presented as honourable.

Scottsy200 · 22/04/2024 13:31

who are you to judge I can tell you now that even in 20 years I won’t want to be in the same vicinity as my ex after what he did to me let alone his new supply, clearly your partner doesn’t want her there either so I think that tells you all you need to know

LimeAnkles · 22/04/2024 19:23

Holy Christ!
It's been 20 bloody years! Tell your MIL to get over her bloody self or you'll have this song and dance for the rest of eternity.

fishonabicycle · 22/04/2024 19:43

It's pretty inconsistent that MIL has forgiven FIL (the person who cheated on her, and not his now wife.

Prydddan · 22/04/2024 20:04

fishonabicycle · 22/04/2024 19:43

It's pretty inconsistent that MIL has forgiven FIL (the person who cheated on her, and not his now wife.

Who says she has "forgiven" him?

Prydddan · 22/04/2024 20:09

An influx of OW here now, all 'gotcha' because the MIL will talk to her ex husband but not the OW and that proves she's unreasonable.

Mamabeans02 · 22/04/2024 20:47

I totally agree with you, there will be soo many more milestones ahead, more birthdays, weddings , anniversaries. If the Step-Mother is going to be a big presence in your little ones life and be involved as a second Grandmother then it will not be fair to leave or dump her just to suit the MIL. I would give the MIL the choice of either not to attend or behave in a respectable manner at the gathering. At the end of the day it's about your little one and not about something that happened 20 years ago! Plus it takes 2 to tango abit unfair of the MIL to single out SMIL and not the FIL aswell

Mamabeans02 · 22/04/2024 20:59

There is quite a few comments about the SMIL is not related ?!! Blood doesn't make a family, its love that bonds a family together!
I grew up with STEP-FAMILY from a cery early age and I have not once ever considered them not to be my family or loved them any less, infact I love them more than a few members of my "so called blood relatives!"

Toomanyemails · 22/04/2024 21:01

Let your DH handle it. Is it an option to invite them all, be clear you've invited everyone and it's for them to sort out between them if they want to take different time slots or opt out?

Jimbobwimbob · 22/04/2024 21:40

If you’re doing something separate with your family then can’t you separate his