Page 15 | Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

CosyJadeFatball · 21/04/2024 00:14

Your child will be 1? They will have zero understanding of this event. Really it’s about you and your partner and it would be selfish of you to throw your in laws together for your own benefit. Leave them all out or have separate gathering’s but don’t force them into your concept of how your child’s first birthday should be. If this really IS all for your child then make it work, spread out the joy, have mini events or something to that effect.

Clarabell77 · 21/04/2024 02:18

birthdayboyy · 19/04/2024 08:56

MIL is fine with FIL on his own, they are quite amicable. She completely blames the OW for the breakdown of her marriage and for ‘ruining’ her son’s family. Although according to my DP things were strained between them for as long as he can remember.

I would not override DP on this as it’s his family, but I’m minded to be honest with him how I feel about it as it all seems ridiculous to me. This is a special occasion for my son.

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This is a special occasion for my son

Your son, being 1 year old, will be completely oblivious.

Yoonimum · 21/04/2024 07:33

I agree with your DP; bio GPs should take priority over step GP. Also, if MIL was so wounded by the infidelity this dynamic is unlikely to change after 20 years. Your perspective won't change anyone else's feelings!

Yoonimum · 21/04/2024 07:44

Just seen your post about Christmas and Boxing Day. I was on MIL's side re birthday and still am but that is over the top! She sounds very self centred if she can't accept you having some time with FIL and wife over the festive period. Quite a nerve when she got the prime Christmas slot! I hope she is not going to get competitive with your family over how Christmas is spent in future. I feel for you re future family events - good luck!

jasminocereusbritannicus · 21/04/2024 07:50

My ex H and I split up 6 years ago, and are now divorced. He lives with the OW I re-married.
Our Dd gets married in the summer. I will be in the same space as OW. She has a problem with me, though I’ve never done anything to her. I’m totally prepared to ‘get on ‘ with her for the the sake of my daughter ( who ‘tolerates ‘ her) who ( understandably) wants her Dad to give her away.
It is ridiculous to hold a grudge for that amount of time,. Life goes on. We are all ‘family’ now due to shared adult children!

pimplebum · 21/04/2024 08:04

Personally my way of handling this would be to invite everyone and let everyone know that everyone was invited and let them pull out if they want. But at least you haven't been mean to anyone

Don't pander to the drama , chances are " OW" will bow out

If your DH wants to non invite his step mum he can do that mean job himself

WoodBurningStov · 21/04/2024 08:44

I has this with my exdh family. His dad had an affair and married the ow, the ow was his mums best friend. They've now been married longer than his mum and dad were (20+ years). It doesn't make it right or ok, and it caused no end of damage and upset, including my dh mum not speaking to my exdh for a while as he reminded her of him.

But in the end it started to cause real issues so we just invited everyone and it was up to them who wanted to come. In the end his dm got fed up of missing out and started to come to family gatherings, they can now be in the same location as each other, it's polite but frosty.

Madamlulu · 21/04/2024 08:55

birthdayboyy · 19/04/2024 08:40

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

No you are not being unfair.

She was unfair as was he having an affair behind your MIL's back for probably some time which is why she can't forgive them.

You sound fair that you let them in your life but I think on these occasions it is fairer to be kind to your mother in law who you have a great relationship with.

Imagine if it was your DP who did this and
How horrible it would be. So hard to imagine until you have been through it but I would be horrible and your dear child and hopefully his future partner would care for your feelings so much.

Madamlulu · 21/04/2024 09:03

Since writing this I have noticed posts about people who can get on with the OW. I have so much respect for them and hope I would be able to do that if ever I was in that situation.

Wanted to mention though that I notice that older generations are not as open minded to forgiveness as younger generations are. I've noticed this a lot. It's such a shame and wish it could be different for their own sakes as
well as others but it's like other generational differences - you can't teach old dogs new tricks x

MsRosley · 21/04/2024 09:51

Madamlulu · 21/04/2024 09:03

Since writing this I have noticed posts about people who can get on with the OW. I have so much respect for them and hope I would be able to do that if ever I was in that situation.

Wanted to mention though that I notice that older generations are not as open minded to forgiveness as younger generations are. I've noticed this a lot. It's such a shame and wish it could be different for their own sakes as
well as others but it's like other generational differences - you can't teach old dogs new tricks x

Agree. With up to half of all marriages end in divorce, we have to develop a different mindset about marriage or we are setting up a huge percentage of people to fail. Relationships are hard. They break down for many reasons.

Imustgoforarun · 21/04/2024 09:54

Not your call so keep out of it. I’m divorced and I would be fuming if anyone told me to get over it. Until it happens to you , you can’t comment. Your DP wants his mum there and thats the end of the discussion.

Usernamechange1234 · 21/04/2024 09:59

Madamlulu · 21/04/2024 09:03

Since writing this I have noticed posts about people who can get on with the OW. I have so much respect for them and hope I would be able to do that if ever I was in that situation.

Wanted to mention though that I notice that older generations are not as open minded to forgiveness as younger generations are. I've noticed this a lot. It's such a shame and wish it could be different for their own sakes as
well as others but it's like other generational differences - you can't teach old dogs new tricks x

This is probably one of THE most patronising posts I have ever read.

I don’t have a OW in my life but I do know the trauma of infidelity. I understand the healing that needs to happen.

There is absolutely no reason why people have to find ‘forgiveness’ to forgive the unforgiveable.

Infidelity involves your right to informed sexual consent being taken, you’re put at risk of STIs, gaslighted, lied too, manipulated, it involves family finances being squandered, mothers making do so that the cheats can pay for dates and gifts. It also goes hand in hand with other forms of abuse addictions, emotional. And that’s only the half of it.

FWIW I know many MANY younger women like myself who have no desire to forgive this shit and minimise it!!

You don’t know the women’s stories on here. You don’t know the agony of their betrayal OR the subsequent strains their families were put under. You didn’t listen to their children sobbing into their pillows at night.

Generational differences… jeez

C8H10N4O2 · 21/04/2024 10:13

Madamlulu · 21/04/2024 09:03

Since writing this I have noticed posts about people who can get on with the OW. I have so much respect for them and hope I would be able to do that if ever I was in that situation.

Wanted to mention though that I notice that older generations are not as open minded to forgiveness as younger generations are. I've noticed this a lot. It's such a shame and wish it could be different for their own sakes as
well as others but it's like other generational differences - you can't teach old dogs new tricks x

What utter, ageist tosh. If anything older generations were more likely to be coerced into staying with philandering or otherwise lousy husbands "for the children" or due to lack of resources to escape.

Forgiveness and tolerance are not the domain of any one generation or group.

I think its a pity this thread has been turned into a thread about bad and abusive experiences post divorce. The OP was very clear that post divorce abuse was not the situation here and that the MiL here is on good terms with her philandering ex and is quite happy to see him - resorting to the misogynist trope of "evil harpy kidnapped helpless husband's penis".

If the MiL is on good terms with the ex its not unreasonable to wonder why, twenty years down the line, she still makes her son "pick her" on every occasion. Its not an unreasonable question. The OP never said she must share the event, simply asked if she was unreasonable to want to invite both women in her son's life.

uneffingbelievable · 21/04/2024 12:11

Madamelulu - utter tosh.
Sadly as in my friends case - the OW often behaves with an air of superiority that because they are still together what the two immoral parties did was right.

Does not matter what generation you are - the pain is the same and your ability to forgive is the same. I find the younger generation far more judgemental about relationships and this belief you can flit from one to another to another - changes massively when children are involved.

Imaginemissmarple · 21/04/2024 16:56

I have two perspectives …

my parents split when I was 6, nobody else involved but became acrimonious over money. Ruined my first wedding, made it very difficult in my childhood and early adult life, my mother especially difficult. When I got married second time, we had a teeny wedding and didn’t invite any of them, we felt it was our day, they were still very awkward and strained and this was after 35 years!

my husband was married before and has two children now grown up, eldest has two DC and we have mad it work, all parents, step parents just make it work. It hasn’t been easy as DH had a difficult separation but for sake of children and grandchildren, and all of the big events - everyone makes a huge effort.

So, I would do something just the three of you for DS birthday and explain to your DH and MIL why you are not having a party that forces a choice between FIL/wife or MIL or worse it being ruined with an atmosphere. They need to deal with it now after 20 years.

burnoutbabe · 21/04/2024 17:07

EnglishBluebell · 20/04/2024 20:34

Why does your partner's feelings not make the decision for you? He doesn't want his "Stepmother" there

Get the impression that he doesn't mind her. Happy to spend Boxing Day with her and dad. Just prefers mum to get (obviously)

I woujd not do anything that is just you 2 baby and the2 grandparents-that's just pretending something that isn't true.

So 2 events. 1 for mil and 1 for dad and wife. No one pissed off then.

Prydddan · 21/04/2024 18:37

Madamlulu · 21/04/2024 09:03

Since writing this I have noticed posts about people who can get on with the OW. I have so much respect for them and hope I would be able to do that if ever I was in that situation.

Wanted to mention though that I notice that older generations are not as open minded to forgiveness as younger generations are. I've noticed this a lot. It's such a shame and wish it could be different for their own sakes as
well as others but it's like other generational differences - you can't teach old dogs new tricks x

Could be because equality between the sexes was not as fully established in the last quarter of the last century. Discrimination against women in the workplace was common, equal.pay was less ofva thingnthan now, no rigjts to flexible working, no government childcare support, the man's pension was not considrted an assett.

It meant that mothers of the older generations who got ditched had a lotbless to work with to.pull themselves back.up to the standard of living they'd enjoyed prior to divorce.

Prydddan · 21/04/2024 18:40

C8H10N4O2 · 21/04/2024 10:13

What utter, ageist tosh. If anything older generations were more likely to be coerced into staying with philandering or otherwise lousy husbands "for the children" or due to lack of resources to escape.

Forgiveness and tolerance are not the domain of any one generation or group.

I think its a pity this thread has been turned into a thread about bad and abusive experiences post divorce. The OP was very clear that post divorce abuse was not the situation here and that the MiL here is on good terms with her philandering ex and is quite happy to see him - resorting to the misogynist trope of "evil harpy kidnapped helpless husband's penis".

If the MiL is on good terms with the ex its not unreasonable to wonder why, twenty years down the line, she still makes her son "pick her" on every occasion. Its not an unreasonable question. The OP never said she must share the event, simply asked if she was unreasonable to want to invite both women in her son's life.

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OP hasn't said anything about how her MIL was treated post divorce. That is your projection.

And her AIBU was "should my MIL grow up".

Atethehalloweenchocs · 21/04/2024 18:47

Prydddan · 20/04/2024 09:32

"But surely as adults, we all have to learn that our feelings do not run the world"

Does this apply to all those adult OW and their partners who feel that bygones should be bygones, and the adult children who feel that their mums should suck it up so that they get the perfect day? Or just those bitter, miserable old mums who won't grow up and behave?

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Well it is not one size fits all is it @Prydddan? So no, not always the mothers, or the women who have to get over it. But there is a clear indication here that MIL is unreasonable (her own son remembers her relationship with his father as strained, she is holding the OW to a different standard than her ex, there is the Boxing day stuff) so in this case, the onus is on her to suck it up. There is a lot of projection on this thread, which is taking the OP as the start and embroidering.

Madamlulu · 21/04/2024 19:56

Ok so sorry that my comment about generations forgiving differently has upset
some people. I'm really sorry, it wasn't thought through and if you read my previous comment you will see that I fully appreciate the hurt of the MIL and absolutely fully understand it and know how horrendous it is.

Apologies again about the comment about generational differences,

Cammac · 21/04/2024 20:00

You want your MIL to attend your child’s 1st birthday party, because “it will be nice for dc to have his family there”.
Your MIL doesn’t want to, for reasons unknown to yourself. Your DP wants his mum there. He’s not bothered about his SM.

Whose feelings trump whose?

Bigcat25 · 21/04/2024 20:17

Outofhoursabc · 20/04/2024 22:40

Namechange for this because I find it quite triggering.

It's fascinating that this thread has run to 7 pages since it opened yesterday morning. It calls out to just one issue: the OW and "get over it"/"I can't get over it."

Is it too hard to understand that when a woman has children and her partner leaves her for someone else, whatever sorrow, betrayal, rage, or increasing sense of freedom she may feel, at some level she often intuits that she has been usurped by another, better, more attractive and exciting (often younger) version of womanhood.

She loses her husband/partner to this usurper.

She may try to be rational/sane/her better and bigger self and encourage her children to have a good relationship with this OW as their SM, but at some level she often fears that she will be usurped by another, better, more attractive and exciting (often younger) version of motherhood.

Unto the last generation - grandchildren, great grandchildren. Shoved into a smaller and smaller corner, because her hopes and aspirations were dashed when she was young and she is increasingly diminished by her failure to match up to the usurper (to whom none of this matters a damn, because apart from her relationship with her DH, the SM has no skin the game: it's just a popularity contest for her).

And, yes the first wife/the first mother may cut off her nose to spite her face and refuse to attend a grandchild's birthday party. She already knows her face doesn't fit.

And of course all the stepmothers/OW/people who have never had to consider how this sort of shit fucks with your head, all of them buy into the idea that the first wife/mother is a bit bleugh. That fits their agenda very well.

So, OP, think ont. A step-grandmother is not a grandmother. To confuse the competing rights of these two parties would be to undermine your own role as a mother. You have skin. And it's not a game.

Excellent, insightful post.

Petlover9 · 22/04/2024 02:22

Calamitousness · 19/04/2024 08:50

Not your monkey. Not your circus. This is your partners family. It’s his decision. Leave well alone. If he doesn’t want his mother upset then that’s it.

Totally agree with this^^. I can also understand why OP's MIL does not want to be around the new wife. As people get older, 20 years can seem like a few years and she obviously has not got over being dumped and I sympathise with her, plus it is HER grandchild and her son wants her there. Let him tell his dad to come alone, it is what he wants anyway.

Petlover9 · 22/04/2024 02:24

SchoolQuestionnaire · 19/04/2024 08:45

This really isn’t anything to do with mil, your own dp doesn’t want his sm there so why are you pushing this? It’s his family and you should follow his lead.

I agree with this^^

allhailthebrain · 22/04/2024 02:36

My dad cheated on my mum and eventually left when I was 19, theoretically to be with the OW, but it didn't work out.

I told them both straight up when they split, if it can't be how I want it to be on big life occasions, then it can at least look it! No OW at my wedding or graduation and so on! If they had both ended up with someone else and been happy then that may have changed but there's no way on this earth I would ever have expected my mum to be in the same room as the OW. Frankly, I had no mind to do so myself - but accept I'd have had to in the end, just as I had to work out how to continue a relationship with my dad.

So your partner will have a gut feeling on this one, and you're right to have decided to let him make the call. It may be decades ago but there's still a gut feeling on what you and do and don't want in this situation, as the 'child'. He'll know, so follow his lead as these things will no doubt keep coming up.