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Original poster

Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

451 replies

birthdayboyy · 19/04/2024 08:40

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Ohlookwhoitis · 19/04/2024 18:10

travelallthetime · 19/04/2024 17:15

No of course not, I would bloody make him pay, but not to the detriment of my kids and their feelings, if I had to be a grown up for a few hours so my kids felt comfortable and could invite me and my 'ex' to things like this then I would. You dont need to all be best mates sharing stories, you dont even need to talk, but you do need to put things to one side for your kids and not make them choose

Show quote history

Yeah you think that's what you'd do. When they start messing your kids around/letting them down, telling them lies, messing with their minds etc it's a whole other ballgame.

Bruisername · 19/04/2024 18:13

Where does it say mil has forgiven fil? She probably tolerates him

Prydddan · 19/04/2024 18:16

For all those posters saying, it has been 20 years, MIL should get over it.

If an OP posted that she'd been seriously sexually assaulted and/or hosptalised by her DP. The advise would be - police, prosecute, womens' aid, don't look back.

If that same woman, 20 years later, posts that the abusive ex had started popping up as part of her established friendship group, I doubt anybody would be saying, "get over it, stop bearing a grudge, it's been 20 years FFS".

But if she'd had a kid with him, she's expected to play happy families.....

Coconutter24 · 19/04/2024 18:19

birthdayboyy · 19/04/2024 08:56

MIL is fine with FIL on his own, they are quite amicable. She completely blames the OW for the breakdown of her marriage and for ‘ruining’ her son’s family. Although according to my DP things were strained between them for as long as he can remember.

I would not override DP on this as it’s his family, but I’m minded to be honest with him how I feel about it as it all seems ridiculous to me. This is a special occasion for my son.

Show quote history

Tbh there’s a lot of concern for MIL feelings but what about FIL feelings. Might he not be hurt to be excluded or his wife excluded? He’s been with his wife for 20 years so MIL needs to either be amicable with the wife or just keep a distance, very unfair to put all the blame on ‘the other woman’ for the breakdown of their marriage, I’m sure the husband had some part in it. If it was me (which it has been previously with exact situation!) I would say your all invited but this is DS day so no one is to ruin it or you won’t be welcome at the next event

User1979289 · 19/04/2024 18:20

My grandad had an affair and married her. She was never invited and never expected to be. He came alone. I am really shocked that you feel she should have 'got over it'. For me having DC made me realise just how awful my grandad was to do that, and we all supported my grandma. It is not your pain, it is not your family. You need to question your motives.

Prydddan · 19/04/2024 18:30

Coconutter24 · 19/04/2024 18:19

Tbh there’s a lot of concern for MIL feelings but what about FIL feelings. Might he not be hurt to be excluded or his wife excluded? He’s been with his wife for 20 years so MIL needs to either be amicable with the wife or just keep a distance, very unfair to put all the blame on ‘the other woman’ for the breakdown of their marriage, I’m sure the husband had some part in it. If it was me (which it has been previously with exact situation!) I would say your all invited but this is DS day so no one is to ruin it or you won’t be welcome at the next event

Show quote history

FIL excluded himself when he took off with anothervwoman. The OP tells us he was a distant father. MIL "needs" to do nothing for this miserable pair, and it beggars belief that you'd have her take responsibility for the consequences of their actions.

"the breakdown of their marriage, I' m sure the husband had some part in it" - like the bit where he bailed on his wife and child?

I'm sure, if she'd been a better wife he wouldn't have left.

PaperStarred · 19/04/2024 18:30

User1979289 · 19/04/2024 18:20

My grandad had an affair and married her. She was never invited and never expected to be. He came alone. I am really shocked that you feel she should have 'got over it'. For me having DC made me realise just how awful my grandad was to do that, and we all supported my grandma. It is not your pain, it is not your family. You need to question your motives.

Did your grandfather have his affair in the 1860s?

Prydddan · 19/04/2024 18:35

QuackaRoo · 19/04/2024 17:48

I meant as a couple, apologies.
As the hosts of a party for their child, they don't need to be second guessing who will or won't want who there.
They need to just invite the people they want, and if someone chooses to decline because they'll feel awkward, that's on them, and is their right to do that.
Parents of a young child, hosting a party, have enough to bloody do and worry about before second guessing whether all their guests get on.

Show quote history

They don't have to second guess here, they know the situation. But, hey, let's p1ss of the mum who raised me and was a constant in my life when my dad was off shaggng because otherwise it's all Just Too Complicated for us grown-ups.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 19/04/2024 18:44

travelallthetime · 19/04/2024 16:50

They all need to grow up, all three of them! It happened 20 years ago, he wouldnt have left for no reason, if it was a happy marriage and it obviously wasnt meant to be. Totally feel I can say this, my husbands parents split when he was 14. Mum had an affair and left for the other man, they are now together 30 years, married 25. Both parents suck it up for the sake of the 'kids' (my dh and his sister) at things like weddings, births, parties etc because otherwise the only people it is hurting is the 'kids' (adults) and the grandkids. My kids call his mums husband grandad, his dad doesnt get his knickers in a twist and when his mum had a serious, life threatening illness he actually knocked on her door to make sure she was ok and send his best wishes. It is called growing up and moving on

@travelallthetime

You are very very naive. You have no idea what the fall out of these affairs can sometimes cause.

Long story short: My mum is on ARVs now because may dad didn’t see fit to break up with her before fucking around without using protection.

Her life now - constant health anxiety, CDC counts every month to check her viral load. Daily tablets. Injections. Fear.

If she says she doesn’t want him at a family event then I totally respect that. Because she has gone through hell and back because someone couldn’t control themselves and end the relationship respectfully.

Some of these posts show that people have NO idea of the harm that cheating causes.

Yes my dad broke his vows and I choose not to care about OW but my mum is absolutely well within her rights to refuse to be in the same room as the person who played a part in RUINING her life.

And yes it was years ago. 16 years ago. It’s STILL ruining my mum’s life.

so all those people saying “it’s been 20 years, get over it” - YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

Prydddan · 19/04/2024 18:56

HelpMeUnpickThis · 19/04/2024 18:44

@travelallthetime

You are very very naive. You have no idea what the fall out of these affairs can sometimes cause.

Long story short: My mum is on ARVs now because may dad didn’t see fit to break up with her before fucking around without using protection.

Her life now - constant health anxiety, CDC counts every month to check her viral load. Daily tablets. Injections. Fear.

If she says she doesn’t want him at a family event then I totally respect that. Because she has gone through hell and back because someone couldn’t control themselves and end the relationship respectfully.

Some of these posts show that people have NO idea of the harm that cheating causes.

Yes my dad broke his vows and I choose not to care about OW but my mum is absolutely well within her rights to refuse to be in the same room as the person who played a part in RUINING her life.

And yes it was years ago. 16 years ago. It’s STILL ruining my mum’s life.

so all those people saying “it’s been 20 years, get over it” - YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, this! My ex had three affairs while we were married, didn't use protection, in the 1980s and 1990s when AIDs was rife. The last affair was while I was pregnant, and he endangered me and the baby.

And I'm supposed to sip tea with him and be polite? Because it was 20 years ago, after all.

It would be signalling to him that his behaviour (and not just the unprotected sex thing) was all OK, not a big thing and he can go home all pleased with himself cos he's notvsuch a bad lad after all.

Coconutter24 · 19/04/2024 18:57

Prydddan · 19/04/2024 18:30

FIL excluded himself when he took off with anothervwoman. The OP tells us he was a distant father. MIL "needs" to do nothing for this miserable pair, and it beggars belief that you'd have her take responsibility for the consequences of their actions.

"the breakdown of their marriage, I' m sure the husband had some part in it" - like the bit where he bailed on his wife and child?

I'm sure, if she'd been a better wife he wouldn't have left.

Show quote history

Never said MIL has to do anything for the FIL and wife however OP and her DP shouldn’t be put in a position of having to choose sides

Prydddan · 19/04/2024 19:04

I detect an influx of Other Women.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 19/04/2024 19:15

This makes no sense.

You want them all there but don't want an atmosphere

Having them all there will cause an atmosphere

So what exactly is it you want, them all there and being happy? After 20 years it's not going to happen.

Why should your MIL be in the presence of someone who has caused her pain if she doesn't want to be? Why should she miss out, she is your DPs mum,she should come first.

Prydddan · 19/04/2024 19:24

Coconutter24 · 19/04/2024 18:57

Never said MIL has to do anything for the FIL and wife however OP and her DP shouldn’t be put in a position of having to choose sides

Show quote history

You actually used the sentence structure "MIL needs to...either...or".

CurlewKate · 19/04/2024 19:26

@birthdayboyy "This is a special occasion for my son."

He's one. It's a special occasion for you and the baby's dad. He should have complete say in who from his family is invited. None of your business.

Prydddan · 19/04/2024 19:30

HelpMeUnpickThis · 19/04/2024 18:44

@travelallthetime

You are very very naive. You have no idea what the fall out of these affairs can sometimes cause.

Long story short: My mum is on ARVs now because may dad didn’t see fit to break up with her before fucking around without using protection.

Her life now - constant health anxiety, CDC counts every month to check her viral load. Daily tablets. Injections. Fear.

If she says she doesn’t want him at a family event then I totally respect that. Because she has gone through hell and back because someone couldn’t control themselves and end the relationship respectfully.

Some of these posts show that people have NO idea of the harm that cheating causes.

Yes my dad broke his vows and I choose not to care about OW but my mum is absolutely well within her rights to refuse to be in the same room as the person who played a part in RUINING her life.

And yes it was years ago. 16 years ago. It’s STILL ruining my mum’s life.

so all those people saying “it’s been 20 years, get over it” - YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

Edited
Show quote history

Sorry, @HelpMeUnpickThis , I didn't mean to piggyback on your heartbreaking post. I am so very sorry for what happened to your mum. I'd forgotten that aspect of my ex's egregious behaviour.

It is frustrating when people treat the end of a marriage as if is was just like being dumped in the Sixth Form. There are endless traumas that the wife-dumped-with-the-kids has to endure. But, hey, it was 20 years ago, so get over it.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 19/04/2024 19:30

I mean the fact its been 20 years and she hasn't let it go should give some idea of the pain it's caused your mil ..

marlfield · 19/04/2024 19:32

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 19/04/2024 08:50

TWENTY YEARS!!

She needs to move on. Seriously.

I’m quite capable of holding a grudge, but TWENTY YEARS!! This is excessive.

Are you serious? I'm not sure I would ever get over my husband leaving me and my children for another woman. I certainly wouldn't want her to be part of special family events.

Aliciainwunderland · 19/04/2024 19:39

I had the same situation. MIL nearly didn’t come to our wedding as FILs wife was going to be there (they married when DP was older). When DC was born we said they just needed to suck it up as we are not doing multiple events. They all spoke to each other for the first time in 25 years at DC christening and now everyone gets on. Just be firm, set your boundaries and if someone doesn’t want to be involved that is on them.

Bruisername · 19/04/2024 19:48

Wrong thread

anyway OP seems to have a solution

QuackaRoo · 19/04/2024 19:58

Prydddan · 19/04/2024 18:16

For all those posters saying, it has been 20 years, MIL should get over it.

If an OP posted that she'd been seriously sexually assaulted and/or hosptalised by her DP. The advise would be - police, prosecute, womens' aid, don't look back.

If that same woman, 20 years later, posts that the abusive ex had started popping up as part of her established friendship group, I doubt anybody would be saying, "get over it, stop bearing a grudge, it's been 20 years FFS".

But if she'd had a kid with him, she's expected to play happy families.....

I think my way of thinking is that if MiL doesn't want to be there, she can just say
"Thanks for the invite but I don't feel comfortable coming along. Can I celebrate his big day with him later that day / day before / next week / whenever is most appropriate"
But it's not for the OP to try and get involved and pick sides.

The OW, despite what thoughts there are, HAS stuck by the dad and his children for 2 decades. I don't know her and I don't know the situation but it doesn't sound like she was just some floozy trying to get laid. It's a horrible situation, of course it is, but is it OP's place to stroll in and exclude her from family events, as a punishment for something that happened 20 years ago, even if she were genuinely a wonderful, loving, caring step mother and step grandmother now? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bruisername · 19/04/2024 19:59

You have missed the fact that her DP would prefer to prioritise his mother

YeahComeOnThen · 19/04/2024 20:03

cordeliachaseatemyhandbag · 19/04/2024 09:05

Why does the grandfather need his wife with him all the time. She's no relation to the child.

@cordeliachaseatemyhandbag

blood isn't a requirement for a relationship.

Prydddan · 19/04/2024 20:14

QuackaRoo · 19/04/2024 19:58

I think my way of thinking is that if MiL doesn't want to be there, she can just say
"Thanks for the invite but I don't feel comfortable coming along. Can I celebrate his big day with him later that day / day before / next week / whenever is most appropriate"
But it's not for the OP to try and get involved and pick sides.

The OW, despite what thoughts there are, HAS stuck by the dad and his children for 2 decades. I don't know her and I don't know the situation but it doesn't sound like she was just some floozy trying to get laid. It's a horrible situation, of course it is, but is it OP's place to stroll in and exclude her from family events, as a punishment for something that happened 20 years ago, even if she were genuinely a wonderful, loving, caring step mother and step grandmother now? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

Doesn't matter if it is 2 years or 2 decades. She and he took a wrecking ball to the wife's life (which will have affected the kids too ).
That she stuck around is not proof that she is a good 'un at heart - if she was, she'd recognise the hurt she did and keep in her lane and out of DGM's way

Milli0ns · 19/04/2024 20:14

QuackaRoo · 19/04/2024 17:48

I meant as a couple, apologies.
As the hosts of a party for their child, they don't need to be second guessing who will or won't want who there.
They need to just invite the people they want, and if someone chooses to decline because they'll feel awkward, that's on them, and is their right to do that.
Parents of a young child, hosting a party, have enough to bloody do and worry about before second guessing whether all their guests get on.

Show quote history

Of course. It’s ok for guests to refuse too. No drama and dirt digging needed

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