Ex becoming very awkward since the arrival of his new baby with new partner

[AndOnAndOnItGoes]

My ex and I share our little boy who turns 2 this Sunday. Ex left us when our little one was 2 months old. He does see DC regularly and is a good father, engaged, pays maintenence etc however him and I have a strained relationship, we barely see/speak to one another bar necessary texts re our son. He has our son overnight once a week; collects him from nursery on a Tuesday and drops him back off on a Wednesday. Things were bumping along with not too much bother as it was an easy enough arrangement between us re contact. However he had a baby in February with the woman that he started seeing either while he was still with me or just after he left and since this baby was born a couple of months ago, he has become noticeably more awkward with me in regards to our son.

One issue is that my brother lives in New Zealand, and has done for around 9 years. I've not seen him since before covid. Ex and i when we were still together were going to go out to NZ in 2019 for a month, we had it all planned, dream holiday etc, however covid struck so that was put on hold. Anyway, the plan now is that me, my little one, my mum and dad and my aunt all go to NZ for 2 weeks in November, to visit my brother, let him meet the little one etc. Looking into things, it seems that I should get a letter of authorisation from ex, to take our child abroad. So I sent him a message asking him for this however he is refusing to provide it. Asking for information on the trip, ie dates etc, which I've given him however he refuses to privide said letter and seems really angry that i want to take DS to NZ, saying that itll tske time away from him having DS. Which i would make up either before we went or when we got back. He has also started to get arsey with any changes to contact ie if I need him to take DS on a Thursday night instead of Tuesday for work/shifts.. He used to be absolutely fine with this however has recently been so awkward about it.

He did find out that I had started seeing someone recently however I can't imagine it's that that's bothering him as he's moved on with this woman, they're obviously happy as they've been together nearly 2 years, bought a house, just had a baby etc. Him finding out about my new partner was around the same time that I mentioned the holiday, I don't know if that's what has got him mad?

I have this gut feeling that coparenting is about to become quite tough with him.

Has anyone had an OK coparenting arrangement with an ex and it all suddenly turned to shit after changes in their respective circumstances? I'm genuinely stumped as to why he's suddenly changed from being easy oozy about things like flexibility with contact to being a dick. He's all nicey nicey in texts ie I had the flu a couple of weeks ago and he's saying he's saying sorry to hear I'm unwell, hope I'm feeling better soon, to refusing to change contact days as a one off and basically refusing me permission to take our son abroad for a two week holiday. Do men just become like this once they move on with a new family/children etc? It's very frustrating and ultimately its our DS who is going to lose ie spending time with his uncle etc.

I really don't know. I'm assuming that things are going fine between them as in general, as long as you give him an easy life, he'll give you a nice easy life. Except when i hauled him over the coals for his OLD addiction and general attitude which he didn't like so off he went. So I imagine they're bumbling along fine. Besides, he doesn't have many friends (he's nice enough but very awkward) so if he's got someone that he gets along well enough with, I don't think he'd look to leave the set up. Who knows.

Well I bet his new perfect life with the new lady and new baby is far from perfect. He’s had baby with an OW when his eldest was only 1yo. Bearing in mind he left you when your baby was 2 months, he’s recreated the same situation with someone he knows a lot less well. I bet he is really frustrated. And jealous of your trip to NZ.

God knows. He'll be loving life if she gives him an easy ride ie no arguing and peace and quiet. Whereas I kept trying to hold him accountable for past cheating/browsing OLD etc while we were together but going through a very rocky patch, which is why he went walkabout on our 12 year relationship. He couldn't handle me "wrecking his head".

Just because he has 'moved on' has a new partner, mortgage and baby doesn't mean this sudden change of behaviour isn't 100% due to your new relationship.

Maybe he convinced himself you'd never find anyone else, maybe he is sulking that you're not going to spend the rest of your life alone, waiting in the wings for him. Maybe the realisation has hit that one day there might be another man in his childs life....eventually more than he appears to be in it, is he feeling guilty about that? worried new man is going to make him look like a useless father and is now doubling down being a prick because he can't deal?

Whatever it is I hope you can sort it out for the sake of your son and you get to take him on holiday, it'd be a lovely experience for him.

It could be any one of those reasons. Even if I asked him if he was being a prick because of any of the above, all I'd get from him is an annoying smile, calm voice and "no, I'm pleased for you that you're happy, we've both moved on and are happy with our choices". Patronising shit.

He is very much one of the biggest disappointments of my life, I really thought he'd pull his head out of his arse when our son was born, but no, he'd made his mind up to find someone else to be happy with and only see his son part time.

As you say, in all of it, my son is the most important thing and I hope that I can get to take him to NZ to see his uncle, he has cousins out there that are around the same age and he'd love it.

I don’t know where in the UK you are, but you don’t need a letter giving permission in Scotland, unless there’s a court order in place. Is travelling from Scotland a possibility?

We're flying from Scotland. Well we'll be flying Edinburgh- LHR and then onwards from there. I had a look at the NZ rules though and they're recommending a letter of permission.

Very breve fling all that way with a 2 year old.

Perhaps he is worried about that, his son being so far away. Who knows?

I would take your CB letter, his birth certificate etc to prove you are the parent "with care" after all you have return tickets.

Does your son have the same last name as you? I’ve never been asked for parental permission with my children (with my same surname) and I’ve taken them abroad maybe 5 times. My friend, however, has encountered questions because her children don’t share her name.

I think I would get a court order specifically for holidays. I have a court order allowing me to take my child on holiday for 28 days. I take a notarised copy of those documents and my child's birth certificates and mine. No need for a letter then. A judge will grant you this pretty much straight away even if he objects as it isn't reasonable or in the interests of the child. Unless you have a history of child abduction which I'm presuming that you don't!

Though I've never been asked for them in Europe.

Haha do this!

OP, it is 100% knowing you have a new man that has set him off. Men are possessive and have double standards.

he's moved on with this woman, they're obviously happy as they've been together nearly 2 years, bought a house, just had a baby etc.

my brother was in a 10 year + relationship with a lovely woman (SIL) that we both knew from childhood and they had a house and dogs together. Unfortunately SIL couldn't have DC but were trying and looking at options. He followed his pants and cheated with a younger woman from work. SIL kicked him out. Other woman came off birth control and got pregnant within 6 months. She has since admitted she did it on purpose as she knew he had wanted a child so much (with SIL). After she got pregnant he felt he couldnt leave OW as he had fucked up with SIL and his friends and family were so annoyed at him for hurting SIL, so OW was his only safe place. We all tolerate OW but nobody actually likes her and we have no respect for my brother or his stupid life choices. From the outside it would look like he left SIL and finally got his happy ever after, whereas I know he regrets his choices (not DC) every day. He lost most of his friend group, our family were angry with him and his reputation was fucked. Now OW makes his life hell and doesnt trust him. She used to stop him going to friends and family parties if SIL was attending as she was terrified he would go back to her. He barely knew her when they got together (just that she was fun, happy and didnt have mood swings from IVF injections) but now he realises they have nothing in common. SIL is now happily remarried and has adopted. We see her regularly. I would think your ex's position may be similar. You see what they show you. Also I imagine having a newborn she may now feel guilt at having done that to you at that stage. And worry that he may cheat and leave her now, as he did to you. All the things he said to her about your relationship at that time may now be true of theirs (no sex, tired, baby coming first etc).

Maybe you should add to your message
"Say hi to <new gf> for me, I remember how hard it was for me when <baby> was this old and I had PPD and still recovering from traumatic birth. I hope you're being a good hubby and great father because she really needs you now."

He’s a typical narcy narc who is bored with his new baby mom already and wants you under his control, still have access to you for potential hoovering back up. He is concerned that you could like nz and maybe want to move there. It’s not about his care for his child, it’s about controlling his possessions, you and your son.

He had to play doting dad for a while, appearances matter but now his priorities are playing picture perfect with his new child.

By the way, he will do the same thing to this woman who has just had his child, regarding the probable cheating and leaving. Guarantee it

You can get a specific issue order for the holiday. That's probably quicker to sort than a Child Arrangments Order which should start by going to mediation and trying to agree before maybe needing to go to court. You could get holiday provisions written into a CAO for later though. Like either parent can take DS aborad/on holiday for X amount of time once a year or whatever you both agree on.

I think this is it.

You are coming out of that very early stage, planning his amazing trip with his dc instead, you have now "left" him and are fine without him.

No doubt he will also have pangs of guilt realizing fully (now) what he did to you. But he will have to make you be the bad one the ease his guilt.

Formalize all of it. Including the money. You should get as much as you can. It is not for your son; it is owed to your son to compensate slightly for the shit father he has.

He decided to provide the letter of authorisation a few days ago after me asking numerous times then eventually telling him to stuff it and I'd arrange something else. He clearly wasn't happy to do so and wanted me hanging on for ages for it. Oh well.

Could this inflexibility be because he has just another baby? Life has been turned upside down for him again? Doesn’t necessarily explain why he doesn’t want DC to go to NZ though…

I've no idea to be honest. To me, it seems like he's bitter that we're going to NZ hence why he's very begrudgingly given us his permission to go. I've no idea what he's thinking though. He's a strange one.

It’s the change in circumstances. He has a new baby, they’ll both be knackered and probably want set days for the overnight stay as they try to establish a routine. Very common for the other parent to be obstructive about holidays, happens a lot. Formalising contact etc for the future will solve that problem.

I was thinking he is probably feeling bitter that you’ve got through the baby stage and now in a position to take DC off on (an amazing) family holiday whereas he is back to square one. He’s of course deny it, but he is probably subconsciously being very bitter!

I hope he is bitter, he left me in the shit with a pretty much newborn baby, went off sowing his seed and got her pregant after a few months of being with her, hopefully he is bitter! While I'm doing much better than the mess that I was in those early days.

Of course, that I should I have added. He fully deserves this and you fully deserve an amazing trip. I can’t imagine how hard this must have been for you OP. Xx