Ex becoming very awkward since the arrival of his new baby with new partner

[AndOnAndOnItGoes]

My ex and I share our little boy who turns 2 this Sunday. Ex left us when our little one was 2 months old. He does see DC regularly and is a good father, engaged, pays maintenence etc however him and I have a strained relationship, we barely see/speak to one another bar necessary texts re our son. He has our son overnight once a week; collects him from nursery on a Tuesday and drops him back off on a Wednesday. Things were bumping along with not too much bother as it was an easy enough arrangement between us re contact. However he had a baby in February with the woman that he started seeing either while he was still with me or just after he left and since this baby was born a couple of months ago, he has become noticeably more awkward with me in regards to our son.

One issue is that my brother lives in New Zealand, and has done for around 9 years. I've not seen him since before covid. Ex and i when we were still together were going to go out to NZ in 2019 for a month, we had it all planned, dream holiday etc, however covid struck so that was put on hold. Anyway, the plan now is that me, my little one, my mum and dad and my aunt all go to NZ for 2 weeks in November, to visit my brother, let him meet the little one etc. Looking into things, it seems that I should get a letter of authorisation from ex, to take our child abroad. So I sent him a message asking him for this however he is refusing to provide it. Asking for information on the trip, ie dates etc, which I've given him however he refuses to privide said letter and seems really angry that i want to take DS to NZ, saying that itll tske time away from him having DS. Which i would make up either before we went or when we got back. He has also started to get arsey with any changes to contact ie if I need him to take DS on a Thursday night instead of Tuesday for work/shifts.. He used to be absolutely fine with this however has recently been so awkward about it.

He did find out that I had started seeing someone recently however I can't imagine it's that that's bothering him as he's moved on with this woman, they're obviously happy as they've been together nearly 2 years, bought a house, just had a baby etc. Him finding out about my new partner was around the same time that I mentioned the holiday, I don't know if that's what has got him mad?

I have this gut feeling that coparenting is about to become quite tough with him.

Has anyone had an OK coparenting arrangement with an ex and it all suddenly turned to shit after changes in their respective circumstances? I'm genuinely stumped as to why he's suddenly changed from being easy oozy about things like flexibility with contact to being a dick. He's all nicey nicey in texts ie I had the flu a couple of weeks ago and he's saying he's saying sorry to hear I'm unwell, hope I'm feeling better soon, to refusing to change contact days as a one off and basically refusing me permission to take our son abroad for a two week holiday. Do men just become like this once they move on with a new family/children etc? It's very frustrating and ultimately its our DS who is going to lose ie spending time with his uncle etc.

I read your OP and my first thought was that he feels like an arsehole for leaving you when your baby was 2 months old, like this one currently is, but can’t cope with the guilt so he’s taking it out on you. Add to that, you’re moving on with your life: holding down a job successfully, dating again, planning a holiday with your family and it’s a further reminder of his failure as father and partner. So he doubles down and keeps on behaving like a cunt.

Agree with others about the CAO. It’s a shame these things are needed but it’s better for everyone especially the children involved to avoid messy battles over care etc.

Whatever happens get a CAO in place, then you can take you DC without permission for up to 4 weeks.

I'd also get contact arrangements formally agreed, EOW or whatever.

A letter of authority needs to be formalised. You’ll have to do this every time you go, which usually means solicitor fees. Honestly, I’d just go straight to the court and bypass his dickish control.

Does your ex never plan on taking his eldest son on holiday then?

I thought this too.

Guilt can come across in really weird, angry behaviour sometimes.

Always give baby your surname
Tell him he can have your son for the 2 weeks and you go to NZ. Because you know he will say no, or the new women will

I agree with pp one more email/conversation stating the plans and asking for the letter. Simply add that this is to see you sons uncle and a family holiday

then go the formal route

don’t bother wasting your time trying to reason with him or pointing out he only has his son once a week he is being unreasonable. I wouldn’t try to work out why he is being the way he is as you will never truly know. Deal with the situation not try to work out what is going on it’s wasted energy

When my son’s dad had a baby the same thing happened- he went from seeing him 1-2 times a week to every other week. But at least he can say he still sees him
blows hot and cold in conversations depending on whether he and the “mrs” have had an argument.

tell him that NZ is non negotiable and he can have extra time before and after

Tell him that you will make an application to court for permission to take your child on holiday unless he gives you the letter. The court will no doubt approve your request - you are a safe parent who is planning to return to the country, and it is important for your child to develop good relationships with extended family members. Don't cancel the holiday.

Btw I wouldn't take it for granted that he is happy. He is at the stage now with his new family that he was at with your family when he left. I imagine it irks him to see you are happy, meeting someone new and planning exciting holidays, while he is stuck at home

I don't think he's being unreasonable to point out that you going away will impact on his already very limited time with his son. Why does he only have him once a week? I would offer him another night each week as standard anyway, and see if he jumps at the chance or makes excuses. And offer an extra night the week before you go which would give you some extra time to organise your things. Now he has another child it might just be that he needs to be able to make arrangements that are less flexible. That's not necessarily him being difficult.
My ex was brilliant up until just over a year ago, and we had maintained a mostly good relationship until he moved in with his current girlfriend. Then he stopped prioritising our kids and I completely lost all respect for him. My son now doesn't see him at all, and my dd sees him for 8hrs every Sunday. In all honesty it's not worth fighting him on it.
Your ex's relationship with your son is his responsibility not yours. But you need to make sure it goes both ways while he is still so young. It does sound a bit like he has swapped things around to help you out but you don't want to do anything to give him back the time he loses out on while you are away. Offer him more access rather than less and his response will show you if he genuinely wants the time with his son or is just being difficult. And put a time limit on the letter, if he doesn't send it to you by then as a pp said approach a solicitor. But if your son has the same name as you I doubt you would be questioned.

I'm really surprised at how many people are suggesting court and a CAO. Unless I've been unlucky, the whole experience is awful!

You'll still need permission for the holiday as it will impact his contact. Legally you will have to make ds available for contact, but he doesn't have to turn up. It feels to me like my life is controlled by a legally binding order for 14 years, whereas he can do what he likes.

It won't do anything for your coparenting relationship, and there's zero flexibility in the order for your shifts changing.

You'll have to go to mediation first and personally I would try very hard to work it all out there. Court should be a last resort.

You have started seeing someone new and are flourishing. He doesn't like that.
Go to court and formalise things as this will continue. Do not give this 'man' any power over you.

I think not texting apart from.necessary texts is fine.
I'd remind him it's a two way street and at some.point he might want to go on holiday with his son and need your letter. For what it's worth I have never ever been asked for the letter when going to America, dont know if more officious in nz. I took our dc recently and ex dp gave me those i tags to put on them when we went as he was worried they'd be kidnapped or lost! I was happy to do that to make him feel better. I'd probably be the same if it was him taking them!

Being concerned about not seeing your child for 2 weeks isn’t being awkward or difficult.
Not wanting to chop and change contact nights at the whim of the other parent isn’t being awkward or difficult.
It is more than reasonable to have a set day / days for child arrangements, and it is more than reasonable to be upset at the thought of not seeing your child for 2 weeks.
I would suggest that you try to come to a compromise regarding the holiday. For example, if you’re going Saturday to Saturday, he has his dc on the Thursday and Friday immediately before you go, then on the Sunday and Monday after you return. Regarding swapping the contact days when you’re working - it’s absolutely fine for him to not want to do this. If it went to court, they would likely award a set night in his favour.

Agree with other posters. It’s because you are flourishing whilst he is back in the hard work of a new baby.

Personally I’d formalise it, because at any point he could change his mind or refuse. Why have that worry and stress?

Are you wanting to be beholden to him for every future holiday?

He hasn’t shown himself as someone you can trust or rely on to be reasonable. He left you in the thick of it and now wants to stop the holiday he planned with you.

You cannot trust he would change his mind right before your holiday.

Therefore, do not give this man power over your life.

At some point you may wish to settle down and also have another child in the future. Are you expected to never see your family abroad?

Get it formalised and have a wonderful holiday.

You deserve it and so does your child.

Well done on being a single mum in that situation too. It can’t have been easy.

Agree with the sentiment he is being a twat over the holidays...it's two weeks not a bloody year.
But not wanting to be accommodating over chopping and changing contact days I have sympathy for.
He has a new baby in his house, his new partner is a new mum...maybe having a 2 yr old at random times is too much for her.
Maybe she has pnd, is struggling etc...not the OPs responsibility but I think he is not being unreasonable to now need a set routine

@AndOnAndOnItGoes

Its more about the change in him though, I've no idea why he's suddenly being an A hole about things...

The fact that he immediately moved on from you and got himself another woman who he swiftly got pregnant doesn't mean he's happy with YOU moving on with another man. He's being a dog in a manger..

Also - you re planning on enjoying a trip to NZ which the two of you discussed when he was still with you - has he visited since?

He's got the life he wanted but doesn't want you to have the same.. 🌹

Plus I think if this was a reverse and the OP was the new partner in the scenario saying..
" I've just had my first baby and my dp's ex wants to keep changing the night his toddler stays with us to suit her ..."

They'd be a lot of comments saying that is unreasonable and get a CAO etc

My ex became very awkward after his wife became pregnant. He refused to collect the children from school (court ordered) then stopped seeing them all together. He eventually returned but with a watered down version of his court order, so wanted 24 hours a fortnight, only two weeks holidays and basically left the rest to me.
When I got married he told me he never wanted to see me again despite him being married with a new family.

So id say the whole situation is around you moving on and the change in his personal life.
I'd suggest some mediation if he agreed

I'd be inclined to think that he's jealous of you.

He left you when your baby was a newborn and set up home with his new woman, who became pregnant quickly. Now he has a newborn again, just as you're planning a fabulous trip that he was meant to go on.

Let's not bother with the reverse @Theredjellybean eh? Let's concentrate on advising the woman who was left with a 2 month old baby by herself after a difficult birth, who was struggling, by a man who immediately moved on and got another woman pregnant. Not forgetting he has his 2 year old to stay over just once a week.

I would stick to a routine contact wise, but only for the sake of the little one. The younger you start the routine the better OP. Thing is, now he has started being difficult, because you have a new partner and are doing well for yourself, he will continue to be awkward. Get something regarding contact and holidays rubber stamped so he can't mess his son about or stop him from having amazing experiences (holiday to NZ) out of spite. It's a shame, but needs to be done.
Good luck @AndOnAndOnItGoes , you sound incredible amd your little boy is lucky to have a mum like you.

I think this is really common when people are in new relationships/new families - because now there are other people to consider, so changes to contact time affect them too.

Get a lives with order via CAO so you don't need permission for your holidays.

I'd also ask him if he'd like to increase regular contact with DS as he'd like to foster the sibling relationship.

Presumably he didn't even ask to have extra contact either side of the holiday to "make up" for missed contact 🙄

Agree with this. Life may not be as rosey as you think. Especially now they’ve had a baby, as during the initial start up of their relationship, he probably enjoyed the care free, child free excitement of it all. Now a baby has come along, he might see that the grass isn’t necessarily greener, and he has the extra drama of juggling two families financially and physically.

I get that he’s an utter twat and don’t dispute it but I think you have two separate issues here and on one you are being unreasonable and on the other you are not.

While it’s great that he has been flexible up to now when you’ve switched access days; I don’t think that is a reasonable expectation and I can see that it might not be working for them now they have a new baby. I think you need to approach work and do whatever you need to so he can have access reliably. He needs to acknowledge and agree that if you lose that flexibility then so does he and he must undertake not to change days himself.

He is being unreasonable not to permit you take your son out of the country for a two week holiday given you are not a flight risk and your son is over 2 years old. Have you put it to him that he may wish to take your shared son on holidays in the future too? Suggest you both write a signed and dated letter giving permission for the other travel overseas with the child for trips of a maximum duration of 17 days for holiday purposes.

I suspect it is largely envy and spite because you are going the amazing trip he would have been on…if he hadn’t walked away from his wife two months after the birth of their first baby and shagged someone else …