Ex becoming very awkward since the arrival of his new baby with new partner

[AndOnAndOnItGoes]

My ex and I share our little boy who turns 2 this Sunday. Ex left us when our little one was 2 months old. He does see DC regularly and is a good father, engaged, pays maintenence etc however him and I have a strained relationship, we barely see/speak to one another bar necessary texts re our son. He has our son overnight once a week; collects him from nursery on a Tuesday and drops him back off on a Wednesday. Things were bumping along with not too much bother as it was an easy enough arrangement between us re contact. However he had a baby in February with the woman that he started seeing either while he was still with me or just after he left and since this baby was born a couple of months ago, he has become noticeably more awkward with me in regards to our son.

One issue is that my brother lives in New Zealand, and has done for around 9 years. I've not seen him since before covid. Ex and i when we were still together were going to go out to NZ in 2019 for a month, we had it all planned, dream holiday etc, however covid struck so that was put on hold. Anyway, the plan now is that me, my little one, my mum and dad and my aunt all go to NZ for 2 weeks in November, to visit my brother, let him meet the little one etc. Looking into things, it seems that I should get a letter of authorisation from ex, to take our child abroad. So I sent him a message asking him for this however he is refusing to provide it. Asking for information on the trip, ie dates etc, which I've given him however he refuses to privide said letter and seems really angry that i want to take DS to NZ, saying that itll tske time away from him having DS. Which i would make up either before we went or when we got back. He has also started to get arsey with any changes to contact ie if I need him to take DS on a Thursday night instead of Tuesday for work/shifts.. He used to be absolutely fine with this however has recently been so awkward about it.

He did find out that I had started seeing someone recently however I can't imagine it's that that's bothering him as he's moved on with this woman, they're obviously happy as they've been together nearly 2 years, bought a house, just had a baby etc. Him finding out about my new partner was around the same time that I mentioned the holiday, I don't know if that's what has got him mad?

I have this gut feeling that coparenting is about to become quite tough with him.

Has anyone had an OK coparenting arrangement with an ex and it all suddenly turned to shit after changes in their respective circumstances? I'm genuinely stumped as to why he's suddenly changed from being easy oozy about things like flexibility with contact to being a dick. He's all nicey nicey in texts ie I had the flu a couple of weeks ago and he's saying he's saying sorry to hear I'm unwell, hope I'm feeling better soon, to refusing to change contact days as a one off and basically refusing me permission to take our son abroad for a two week holiday. Do men just become like this once they move on with a new family/children etc? It's very frustrating and ultimately its our DS who is going to lose ie spending time with his uncle etc.

His partner is at home being a cranky cow because she’s full of hormones and suddenly realised that he shares the same happiness and emotions she’s feeling right now with another woman and child. So every bit of give he gives you, every adaptation, every day switch he does to help you out, pisses her off because to her mind he’s putting you high up the priority list.

and you’ve got a new man in your life who he is thinking is going to run around with your kid and be a dad figure to him and his jealous. until now he had an ex mourning him and firmly in her place and baby AND a new woman firmly in her place. He was the king and his balls were swinging large and proudly. Suddenly youve moved on. You’ve got over him. You’ve changed the status quo and the rules. He’s trying to take back control.

Either make a big last ditch attempt to befriend his wife and say you’d so love to have a lovely blended life for the kids and to just get along. And make clear your new bf will not be coming on the trip. If it fails the go legal. If it succeeds great! OR go legal immediately.

I thought this too. He's realising how much work a 2 month old is and he can't deal with any guilt (plus you're getting on with life) so anger it is instead.

On the arrangements for when he has DS, assume there is no flexibility going forward and plan for that. Can work give you set shifts so you don't need ex to look after your DS? Can anyone else help out when you have a shift change?

The holiday to NZ is entirely reasonable, don't let yourself start doubting that!

You don't need his permission to leave the county for a holiday. He has to get a court order to stop you

He clearly doesn't see his child enough but that's another issue for you but switching days is probably difficult or made difficult by his new partner because of routine for the new baby

Him being difficult about the holiday is jealousy and a power play after all he was supposed to go with you but he can't have his cake and eat it too

Leads me to my next point that now you've moved on with someone that's rubbing him up the wrong way he doesn't want you but no one else can meanwhile he can get a house and a baby with someone else. Again another power play in his mind

As for the CAO tread carefully because only YOU can be held accountable. The courts can say he has his child on this day and this night and half the holidays or whatever is seconded but if he doesn't want to have his child, or wants to go on holiday, or doesn't turn up there are NO REPERCUSSIONS for him but on the other hand if you don't let him see your child on his set dates and times such as your child wanted to go over to a friends house then YOU get penalised. You have to have valid reasons like child was unwell and proof like a doctors appointment etc. so be careful he can rack up the times you swop days aswel as evidence to be used against you and get you fined and apprently jailed but that's very very very unlikely

I am someone who almost always sides with the woman but with step mothers it often seems to get complicated and they can be weirdly irrational (as can biological mothers about their child's step mothers). Of course, it is almost ALWAYS because the man involved is a bit of a dick. And I wonder if this is what is happening here.

I'd start by formalising arrangements with him for normal. If he's going to be arsey about changing things, then stop asking and agree it is cast in stone. No flex on either side. Bloody annoying in my opinion but there you go.

Re the holiday, I can easily imagine that he's whining to her about you spending money, and probably lots of whining about how you don't let him see the child more often (that one is a common one - new girlfriend arrives and suddenly he wants to be dad of the year) so this trip has to be used to back that up, "see, she keeps me from him and now I won't even get my 1 measly day a week she lets me have".

He really is being ridiculous. I'd ask him if he really thinks taking away this amazing opportunity from your DS is being a good parent.

I don't know what the rules are for New Zealand. As a rule, only countries that specify parental permission will ask you for a letter from him. The big risk is that if he decides he doesn't want you to take her, and he's not too lazy, he can alert authorities ahead of time and have you stopped.

Oh, and this is pretty classic controlling behaviour. I've seen it 1000 times in real life and on MN. "How dare you have a life. I will NOT give permission for you to leave the coutnry with MY child."

"He was the king and his balls were swinging large and proudly" 😂 This image made me laugh very loudly @Devonshiregal It could be a case of that, in fact thinking about it, quite likely.

He should know that I wouldn't be bringing my new partner (not even a partner, more casual than that!) along. We had a discussion not long after he left, as I knew he'd be firing in about women ASAP, I made it clear that if i did get another partner, he wouldn't be introduced to my child for a good couple of years minimum, and probably a lot longer. I want to focus on my little one being settled in his early years. He agreed with this (although clearly he was meaning only for me to follow through on it!). But yes, I will make it clear to him that it's a family only trip.

I am guessing he is worried you will go to nz and not come back with his son.

I thought about this angle but I have a job here, a home, my little one has his nursery that he's been at since he was 7 months old. We're settled. If I were to stay in NZ I'd need a visa for me and DS and I wouldn't get that granted for DS without permission from the father.

Thank you for all the advice on this thread. To address a few of the points raised:

I do understand that he probably doesn't want to miss out on time with DS. However this time would be made up ie he could have DS 2 nights in a row before and after the holiday or whatever worked for him. We've done it before when I hired a lodge with a friend of mine and her kids and we all went away for a week.

The flexibility in comtact - yes, this has suited me mainly but for a good 4 weeks or so surrounding the birth of his new child, there was a lot of leeway on my part ie he couldn't take DS around the time of the birth, (ex lives in another city around an hour and a half away, so I'm guessing if she went in to labour, it wouldn't have been easy to return DS so he could support the new partner) so he just didn't have our son for overnights for a few weeks. This impacted on me as I work shifts as a HCP, but I worked around it. So the flexibility hasn't only benefitted me.

Perhaps he is jealous that I'm now at a point where I'm through a lot of the shit that he heaped on me, perhaps things aren't as rosy for him as I'm imagining ie that he's madly in love and enjoying his little family, who knows.

To top it all off, I've injured my back and am on day 2 of being pretty much bedbound while DS stays with my sister, so I have far too much time to think about all of this and get myself all worked up!

As far as I know if you.have PR you don't need permission to take your child away on holiday. I think you can apply for a special issue order (can't remember the name of it) to cover this off

Two things stood out to me in this thread: first that you described him as a good father when I can't see any evidence of that whatsoever. He simply has his child overnight once a week. I'm not sure how that makes him a good father. He barely sees the child and he left you when you had postnatal depression and a small baby. Those are not the actions of a decent and good man.

Second that the first reply to this thread was blaming another woman! No no no. This is him, he chooses his he behaves and this is what he's chosen.

What you need to do is focus on how awful this man is and stand up to him. I think the advice to get a court order and formalise things is wise. I know you want the flexibility, but you're better off having stability and certainty and being able to push back against his ridiculousness but remember, he's not a good man. He's not a decent person and he's not a good father and you need to work on that basis.

Protect yourself and your son, don't worry about the useless ex.

There isn't really an option to work set shifts unfortunately. As much as the NHS likes to say that they're family friendly, they really aren't! My mums health isn't good enough to look after DS and my dad, although well into his 70s, works every hour god sends! So I don't really have a lot of help.

Maybe as you and he had talked about your dream holiday to NZ,he now feels jealous of you going and him at home with his new baby?(Boo Hoo) He sounds rather immature to me . Is he quite young? Anyhow I would as PP above have said ,tell him he will have to have DS for 2 weeks I bet he will run a mile!

I'd say ask calmly again, ask what his issue is. If he's still being an arse tell him if he doesn't agree you'll be starting formal proceedings and he can either give you permission or have to justify his refusal in court, despite what you've offered in response. You don't necessarily need a CAO, but not a bad idea as prevents this happening again. There's also specific issues order. Hopefully the threat will be enough, he'd look a right nob in court.

When I say that he's a good father, he's very caring towards DS and brilliant with him, he does take care of him very well when he has him and they have lots of fun. The reason he doesn't have him more than once a week is down to me, kind of. He was having him 2 nights a week and wanted more, but DS was coming back very unsettled from his time with his Dad and I thought that perhaps it was too much for him to be away from his primary home/carer (he was 18 months at the time) so I moved it back to one night a week with a few hours every Friday afternoon as ex is off work then so they go out for lunch/soft play/swimming. It seems to have worked well and he is no longer as unsettled upon his return. He would have him more if he could and we will trial going back up to 2 nights in thr near future.

I agree it was absolutely shitty what he did, leaving me with a new baby and I struggled very much initially. I still carry a lot of guilt that DS wasn't cared for as well as he should've been in his first few months of life; I was very depressed and we spent a lot of time indoors, TV on, just surviving from day to day.

So while he's a good father in some ways, in others he really isn't.

Anyway, I think a CAO is probably the way forward. Very frustrating that it's come to this but it is what it is sadly.

No, he's not young at all, he's late 30s!

he flexibility in comtact - yes, this has suited me mainly but for a good 4 weeks or so surrounding the birth of his new child, there was a lot of leeway on my part ie he couldn't take DS around the time of the birth, (ex lives in another city around an hour and a half away, so I'm guessing if she went in to labour, it wouldn't have been easy to return DS so he could support the new partner) so he just didn't have our son for overnights for a few weeks. This impacted on me as I work shifts as a HCP, but I worked around it. So the flexibility hasn't only benefitted me.

Point this out. Remind hm that he didn't see his child for weeks when the baby was born, so why is this different? He can facetime and chat online with him and you're happy to let him have more time when he returns.

It will be the new partner. She'll be bitching about you going away to New Zealand and jealous so will want to put a spanner in the works by putting a flea in his ear about how he won't see his child for a month.

Sorry, it is the new partner. You’ve filled a space that used to be his. How dare you! And you’ve continued with your plan to go to NZ, even though it can’t possibly be a good idea now he’s not going, can it? Ugh. Hope he stops being a dick

First step in CAO is mediation so hopefully that will show him how much of a twat he's being!

I don't blame you. I'd want to murder him in your shoes.

Oh he'll never take any accountability for his behaviour, everything is always everyone else's fault and he likes to sit shrouded in his victim complex.

@quietnightmare "You don't need his permission to leave the county for a holiday. He has to get a court order to stop you"

You are mistaken.

If both parents have parental responsibility (eg they were married or the father's name is on the birth certificate), and there are no court orders in place, then neither parent can take the child out of the country without written permission from the other parent. The permission letter also needs to include the other parent’s contact details and details about the trip.

In contrast, as long as there are no court orders in place, you don't need permission to take your child on holiday in England or Wales.

If he won't give a letter you need to get an order from the court

Please let's not blame women for men's shitty behaviour. This woman is a new mother parenting with a childish arsehole - she has enough on her plate.

Just dont let him. During mediation stay factual, no emotion and if the poor me act starts, tell him he can sit shrouded in his victim complex when your not paying for it 😊 and just crack on. Ignore bad behaviour during the sessions and respond to good. Like you would a toddler.