Ex becoming very awkward since the arrival of his new baby with new partner

[AndOnAndOnItGoes]

My ex and I share our little boy who turns 2 this Sunday. Ex left us when our little one was 2 months old. He does see DC regularly and is a good father, engaged, pays maintenence etc however him and I have a strained relationship, we barely see/speak to one another bar necessary texts re our son. He has our son overnight once a week; collects him from nursery on a Tuesday and drops him back off on a Wednesday. Things were bumping along with not too much bother as it was an easy enough arrangement between us re contact. However he had a baby in February with the woman that he started seeing either while he was still with me or just after he left and since this baby was born a couple of months ago, he has become noticeably more awkward with me in regards to our son.

One issue is that my brother lives in New Zealand, and has done for around 9 years. I've not seen him since before covid. Ex and i when we were still together were going to go out to NZ in 2019 for a month, we had it all planned, dream holiday etc, however covid struck so that was put on hold. Anyway, the plan now is that me, my little one, my mum and dad and my aunt all go to NZ for 2 weeks in November, to visit my brother, let him meet the little one etc. Looking into things, it seems that I should get a letter of authorisation from ex, to take our child abroad. So I sent him a message asking him for this however he is refusing to provide it. Asking for information on the trip, ie dates etc, which I've given him however he refuses to privide said letter and seems really angry that i want to take DS to NZ, saying that itll tske time away from him having DS. Which i would make up either before we went or when we got back. He has also started to get arsey with any changes to contact ie if I need him to take DS on a Thursday night instead of Tuesday for work/shifts.. He used to be absolutely fine with this however has recently been so awkward about it.

He did find out that I had started seeing someone recently however I can't imagine it's that that's bothering him as he's moved on with this woman, they're obviously happy as they've been together nearly 2 years, bought a house, just had a baby etc. Him finding out about my new partner was around the same time that I mentioned the holiday, I don't know if that's what has got him mad?

I have this gut feeling that coparenting is about to become quite tough with him.

Has anyone had an OK coparenting arrangement with an ex and it all suddenly turned to shit after changes in their respective circumstances? I'm genuinely stumped as to why he's suddenly changed from being easy oozy about things like flexibility with contact to being a dick. He's all nicey nicey in texts ie I had the flu a couple of weeks ago and he's saying he's saying sorry to hear I'm unwell, hope I'm feeling better soon, to refusing to change contact days as a one off and basically refusing me permission to take our son abroad for a two week holiday. Do men just become like this once they move on with a new family/children etc? It's very frustrating and ultimately its our DS who is going to lose ie spending time with his uncle etc.

Wow. He doesn’t hang about does he? What a prince.

No he doesn't. He and this woman got together when our little one was only a few months old and my DS already had a half sibling before he turned 2. Ex is late 30s and this new woman is 42 hence why it was probably rushed.

He does the whole ignoring and denying his shitty behaviour, taking no accountability, getting me wound up and then I end up being shitty towards him, making me look like the bad one. I'm working on it. He's an arrogant toad of a man and knows how to push my buttons.

Stay calm. Why are we here? We used to coparent well but now we are disagreeing over holidays etc so I want to get things formalised. Why won't you agree to the holiday? He can spout xyz, you can say you've offered make up time, he didn't have him for longer when new baby born etc. He will look like the twat at mediation, and at very least he should consult a lawyer who will tell him courts will grant permission for holiday so he's just going to waste money opposing.

Yes, definitely work on that. I wouldn't mention the holiday again until you have the relevant court documents. You know full well he will act all surprised. Don't fall for it. Keep up the momentum. Tell him anything court appointed protects you both.
You are dealing with a disgrace of a man who abandoned you at your most vulnerable. He is not a good person. I suspect he is regretting his life choices and taking it out on you. The most powerful thing you can do is ignore him.
You shouldn't have to do any of this but you must. He will dick you about and won't think twice about what is best for his child. I have a feeling that he will be reluctant to have any contact set in stone, he is just grasping at anything to use as a stick to beat you with.
You can do this. You can provide your child with the best home, with the best experiences, love and light. He can't do that. He knows this and it bothers him.

Are you in the UK? Do you have court agreed 'lives with' custody (I don't know the official term)?
My DD had a similar problem with her ex objecting to her taking their DC abroad for 2 weeks. Her solicitor advised that, as she has resident custody (or whatever), she could take DC on holiday without ex's permission.
Perhaps your ex thinks the guy you are seeing is going too. so playing happy families with his son.

Yes, I'm in the UK. There is no court involvement, everything is between us. I've heard on MN and looked into it that there is a chance that I could be questioned when leaving/entering a country about the other parents consent to travelling abroad.

He knows I wouldn't be the type to introduce new partners willy nilly to our son, although who knows what he's thinking now, he feels like a stranger now really. Maybe he's convinced himself that seeing as he's done it, that I will too.

Anecdotally, outside of South Africa which has very specific policies around travelling with children, I have never been asked to prove that my husband approves. I HAVE however, regularly been asked a few questions just to check who I am/ who the children are/our relationship (probably in part as we don't have the same name) and weirdly, this happens in particular on my return to the UK even though we're all travelling on UK passports.

This is true for every other woman I know.

HOWEVER, technically, you need active permission from all adults with parental responsibility. Now, in my case, DH doesn't send that in writing (outside of SA, as mentioned and frankly, I would 100% check NZ as it wouldn't surprise me if they have something similar) but it is implied and, of course, any border control could contact him at any time to confirm that he is happy with me travelling with the DC. I do not know a single person who has had this happen to them, but it is theoretically a possibility.

The real problem is if he decides to proactively make it difficult. There are mechanisms for him to alert border control that you are taking the child out of the country without his permission. I don't know anyone this has happened to but I've heard of it.

It is a very common threat however by narcissist men who are struggling to find ways to continue to control their ex partner and their dc. If you think he's the type who might vindictively contact the authorities, you will absolutely need to get some kind of court order that as the resident parent, you can travel.

Use one of the court approved apps for all communication and contact arrangements going forward.

Ask for a "lives with order" in your favour. It will be interesting his response if you offer him increased contact. If he doesn't want it but then objects to you going in holiday how ridiculous will he look!

Tables have turned. You've got a new man and are jetting off to New Zealand. He's doing the baby stage all over again. He's being difficult because he resents that you are happy.

It’s WHO IS IN HIS EAR. She’s in his ear telling him how it should be done. Also yes as soon as you get your life together start dating find someone good for you they smell blood in the water and circle back. Jeez I have seen this so many time and experienced it myself by my ex who frankly hated me. Still does. Child arrangements are subject to change always. Even with a court decree. I divorced with 5/7 y.o and now post college he still sends shit texts about “time with kids”. Look into your legal resources as op mentioned. I don’t think he can keep you from leaving country with dc.

I'm sure it's been said but he is kicking off absolutely because you've dared to move on and he has his new woman in his ear. You don't need his permission surely? I'd be sending a parent round to have a word if you can't stand up to him but real!y you must. He's not in charge.

I'm going to send him one more message asking him to provide it and let him know that if he doesn't, then I'll go via the courts. Sick of his nonsense

OP you need to apply via the courts for a specific issue order to grant the holiday otherwise if you go and he reports you it will be classed as child abduction.

Ds travels often with his dad on holiday and I always provide a signed consent letter giving my permission and including flight number/ dates/my contact details ect. He’s never been asked for it at border control despite ds looking nothing like him and x having a foreign passport.

He’s probably doing at a control thing, it’s alright for him to move on but you’re not allowed to. My x is the same, doesn’t want or love me but doesn’t want any future partner being around ds while he can happily move on and enjoy his social life.

You do know that it’s a ‘world wide web’ 🙄

I think he’s jealous of your holiday. The holiday of a lifetime he didn’t get to go on.

Regarding taking your little one abroad, the only time I got asked questions was because we don't have the same last name (they still let me through though). I was told it would be better to take the birth certificate to avoid any issue.

Regarding your ex, this is a wild guess but since he left you just after the birth of your child, do you think it's possible he is reliving the same type of scenario with his new partner and taking it out on you?
I'm thinking this because it looks like he is trying get control back, and it could a knee-jerk reaction to compensate for the control he lost when his other child was born.

OH has a Child Arrangements Order for his Daughter with his ex. They didn't even discuss holidays or arrangements, but there were some standard clauses on the bottom of the order that I'm assuming apply to everyone unless specifically agreed differently. The clauses were that no-one is allowed to change the name of the child without consent of all with parental responsibility, and that neither parents can remove the child from the country without written consent of the other, UNLESS it's for stays off less than 1 month in which case no permission is needed.

@Goldbar it was Baldrick who told us “Mr Blackadder says: when the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table”.

Incidentally (And perhaps more relevant to @AndOnAndOnItGoes as it could have been said about her ex), this is also from Blackadder, when they’re trying to fix up the Prince Regent in an arranged marriage with a European Princess, after he spends all his money on socks/playing cards:

blackadder: well, we’ll never get HER to marry him.
baldrick: why
blackadder: because she’s met him.

You’re ex also sounds like a prince, OP - but not the royal kind, more ironic.

Mediation and CAO can take a long time and may be v expensive and stressful. It might not be resolved by November.

Try again with the letter. It is v unreasonable for him not to sign. Hopefully he will change his mind.

Ask via email or text in case he does refuse so you have evidence of his refusal and the reasons why in writing.

If he really won't budge apply for a specific issue order asap

If one parent will not consent to the other taking the child abroad, the parent seeking to do so must apply to the court for a specific issue order. This application is made where parents or anyone with parental responsibility are not able to reach an agreement over any issues concerning a child1. The court will consider whether the holiday is in the best interests of the child in question when deciding whether to grant permission2. A specific issue order can be made at short notice if the other parent is causing avoidable delays and is refusing to consent without good reason3.

I hope you get a lovely break with your family x

I really wouldnt without first seeking legal advice. Also, have you already got his passport? If not apply for it now.

You do know that the majority of MN users appear to be based in the UK going by topics of discussion, references to living in the UK etc? 🙄

But thanks for your input.

Yes, I already have his passport, I recieved it in the post last month.