Ex becoming very awkward since the arrival of his new baby with new partner

[AndOnAndOnItGoes]

My ex and I share our little boy who turns 2 this Sunday. Ex left us when our little one was 2 months old. He does see DC regularly and is a good father, engaged, pays maintenence etc however him and I have a strained relationship, we barely see/speak to one another bar necessary texts re our son. He has our son overnight once a week; collects him from nursery on a Tuesday and drops him back off on a Wednesday. Things were bumping along with not too much bother as it was an easy enough arrangement between us re contact. However he had a baby in February with the woman that he started seeing either while he was still with me or just after he left and since this baby was born a couple of months ago, he has become noticeably more awkward with me in regards to our son.

One issue is that my brother lives in New Zealand, and has done for around 9 years. I've not seen him since before covid. Ex and i when we were still together were going to go out to NZ in 2019 for a month, we had it all planned, dream holiday etc, however covid struck so that was put on hold. Anyway, the plan now is that me, my little one, my mum and dad and my aunt all go to NZ for 2 weeks in November, to visit my brother, let him meet the little one etc. Looking into things, it seems that I should get a letter of authorisation from ex, to take our child abroad. So I sent him a message asking him for this however he is refusing to provide it. Asking for information on the trip, ie dates etc, which I've given him however he refuses to privide said letter and seems really angry that i want to take DS to NZ, saying that itll tske time away from him having DS. Which i would make up either before we went or when we got back. He has also started to get arsey with any changes to contact ie if I need him to take DS on a Thursday night instead of Tuesday for work/shifts.. He used to be absolutely fine with this however has recently been so awkward about it.

He did find out that I had started seeing someone recently however I can't imagine it's that that's bothering him as he's moved on with this woman, they're obviously happy as they've been together nearly 2 years, bought a house, just had a baby etc. Him finding out about my new partner was around the same time that I mentioned the holiday, I don't know if that's what has got him mad?

I have this gut feeling that coparenting is about to become quite tough with him.

Has anyone had an OK coparenting arrangement with an ex and it all suddenly turned to shit after changes in their respective circumstances? I'm genuinely stumped as to why he's suddenly changed from being easy oozy about things like flexibility with contact to being a dick. He's all nicey nicey in texts ie I had the flu a couple of weeks ago and he's saying he's saying sorry to hear I'm unwell, hope I'm feeling better soon, to refusing to change contact days as a one off and basically refusing me permission to take our son abroad for a two week holiday. Do men just become like this once they move on with a new family/children etc? It's very frustrating and ultimately its our DS who is going to lose ie spending time with his uncle etc.

I'm wondering if the change might stem from his partner. Some women take a very different view of their partner's children from a previous relationship once they have their own child. Perhaps his partner is putting pressure on him somehow.

Probably not the best time of day to start a thread as most of MN is probably asleep for the night!

I did wonder if it was this woman influencing things. I'd understand if she wanted set nights as a routine but I've no idea why she'd be awkward about the holiday.

He may have moved on with another woman but it sounds like it's hurt his pride with you moving on with another man, especially if you still live in the 'family home'

My EXH was exactly the same / didn't want me but didn't like me having someone else.

Its a weird territorial thing

Though they do get over it in time.

I would get a CAO with a request for a lives with order so that everything is in writing and you no longer have to be at his mercy.

I'm not sure what a CAO is but would it allow me to take my son on holiday without ex's say so? The last thing I want is to formalise things as it was working out well if I had a late shift one day, he would change days. But it seems like he's going to start being an arse so I may need to formalise things, as much as it will inconvenience me.

I mean he has moved on and I'm assuming he's happy but I have no idea. He jumped from me to her and got her pregnant within a few months so who knows. I couldn't care less if he's happy (the vindictive side of me would rather he wasn't as he left me up shit creek with a 2 month old baby while he swanned off and started sleeping with her!) I just don't want it affecting my little one.

I've never had a letter when I travelled with my eldest, was asked once at the German control and just said I didn't know where he was.

You can easily just write the letter and sign it too....

It's more the worry of it, I don't want to be stressing for the next few months thst border control may ask for a letter and if I can't give it then thats the holiday up in the air.

Its more about the change in him though, I've no idea why he's suddenly being an A hole about things...

I had this when ex got with a new much younger model and had a baby. I wanted to take my DD on holiday to Lanzarote for two weeks. He was up and down for weeks over it, contesting the dates, threatening to call the airport and have her stopped from leaving the country. I obviously had her passport that I never had to involve him in getting. I already had a Child Arrangement Order (CAO) from a couple of years earlier that stated that she was to live with me. And therefore I could take her abroad without his permission up to 28 days. However, due to his threats about getting us stopped at the airport I ended up printing out a consent form, booking an appointment with a solicitor and getting him to fill it in in front of the solicitor who then notarised it.
I've taken that old document with me every time DD and I have gone abroad (he disappeared out of our lives 5 years ago) and no airport official has ever asked to see it, although I've offered it when they query her having a different surname to mine (only ever coming back into UK). They've always said "Who are you travelling with?" And she replies "My Mummy". Job done.
I also take her birth certificate, my birth certificate and my deed poll to show the paper trail of my own name change. Never had to show anything.
Why are they such bastards when all you want to do is take your child on holiday?!
They generally don't bother to do so themselves 🤬🤬🤬

If you hadn't told him about the holiday I'd say go, but now you have he could make it difficult for you. It's child abduction which is ridiculous, but sadly true.

I've just been through court to go on holiday and honestly I'd avoid it if you can, it's a can of worms I'd rather not have opened.

My ex did exactly the same, saw me with a bloke (not even a boyfriend, a good friend) and started being awful. The holiday refusal came shortly after.

I suspect it's a territorial issue about another man taking their place in their child's life. Neither of them seemingly wanted that place when they had it but I guess that's mens logic for you!

I have travelled all over the world as a single parent with two DC, and never once been asked for any kind of letter of permission from their fathers. They do both have my surname though, although one is double barreled with her dad’s. So maybe that makes a difference. But honestly it’s not something I’ve ever given a second’s thought to before travelling.

@MoonCircles I think it's fine if dad's OK with it or doesn't know, but if they do and are not happy, they can cause you big problems. My solicitor said they can put a block on your child's passport, alert border patrol, and even fly you home early. Granted this all seems extreme but it would dampen any holiday excitement!

Ok well bearing in mind he does now know and is being a dick, the obvious solution is to say he’ll have to have his son for those two weeks you’re away OP. I bet he’ll change his tune at light speed 🤣

I think you need some boundaries and clear expectations going forward. It might not be as flexible but you'll know where you stand.

I wouldn't rely on him to change the day around your schedule- that's a favour and it gives him the power to withhold it.

Just set a day and stick to it.

It's completely reasonable to take your DC to see family in NZ and it's in your child's best interest to be included in extended family plans like this. That's what a lawyer/court is likely to say. NZ isn't a country where you could legally abscond with the child.

I'd pay the money for a formal contact agreement that you both sign. He'd be advised that he's unreasonable to withhold permission for NZ and you're likely to win if going to court is required.

Probably any of those things but also he might be a bit put out that you get to do the dream holiday without him.

... seems really angry that i want to take DS to NZ, saying that itll tske time away from him having DS...

He has his child overnight (not even 24 hours) ONCE a week; that's less than 15% of the childcare. I'd want to know what's stopping him from doing his fair half EVERY week before I worry that he'll miss two weeks.

He'll be regretting the new woman... they always do. They realise the grass isn't greener and wish they had stayed. They are then jealous when you move on. The new woman/step mother then picks up on it and becomes insecure, often taking it out on the stepchild. I've seen it so many times.

As an pp said, get a CAO. It will give you back control.

I'm probably going to need to take the advice of going down the CAO route. While the casual arrangement works for me, who knows how long before he gets even more awkward.

It's bloody infuriating, he leaves me high and dry to cope with a 2 month old when I was suffering from PND and the aftermath of a traumatic birth yet he has the cheek to act like the one who is being hard done by. He's the one who has settled down with his perfect little family while I'm still affected to this day with what he put me through. Bloody men, it's enough to put you off for life!

Hmm yes. He’s a dick. I’d text him I’ve noticed you’ve decided not to be flexible anymore with my shifts etc. I understand you didn’t have to, but it was very helpful as a single mum who needs my job. I am going to apply for a child arrangement order to get legal permission for my nz trip, I assume you’ll get some notification.

maybe now he has another one he realises only assholes walk out on their partner when they have a two month old, and his channeling all his guilt into being angry at you. Maybe you should add to your message ‘say hi to <new gf> for me and remind her that when <baby> was this old you walked out on us and left me to it with our 2 month old. That was a really shit time. Please stop being so shit. I’ll be taking our baby that I brought up pretty much on my own to nz to meet my family, you should concentrate on not walking out on baby 2 too instead of continuing to be a dick to me.

ok you shouldn’t write that but wow it would be hard to resist.

It would be nice to think that he'd seen the error of his ways, but people often don't change, so I'm going to offer an alternative view. Clearly for your ex, when the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table (can't remember exactly where that's from but it fits the bill here). And the lustre is probably wearing off his "shiny" new baby, just like it did with his first DC, and he's beginning to feel trapped again. Who knows, he may be gearing up for another walkout?

And then he looks at you and your child is easier and older, you're past the most stressful stage and you seem to have your life together again (no thanks to him). This may be unsettling for him, given he may be feeling "trapped" in the hell of small baby land again, so he's trying to make things difficult for you.

Personally I'd apply for the order so you're not at his mercy.

Let him know that - as DS won’t be able to go on the holiday - you’re happy for him to stay with his dad the full 2 weeks whilst you’re away! Tongue in cheek - but I don’t think that’s entered Ex’s head. Yes, you need to pursue a more formal agreement to prevent ongoing issues

I think making it clear that if he torpedoes your holiday you will be dropping DS off at his house might focus his mind.

I would suggest one final conversation with him just before you go down the formal route so that he understands that this can work both ways - I.e so far you have both been co_parenting practically and flexibly for the sake of your son but if he wants to formalise it, it’s going to remove that flexibility on both sides. On the holiday front, I would highlight that two week holidays are perfectly normal and reasonable and it’s not realistic or fair on your son for him to never go abroad on holiday due to his parents personal circumstances. It would also mean ex cant take him away in future as it works both ways. The other thing to highlight is that once children get to school age, they get invited to birthday parties/sleepovers etc which again requires parents to be flexible on arranged days for the sake of their child not missing out on normal social activities. Good luck!

I think fixed contact is not unreasonable..though I'd be asking him to do more than one night! As to the holiday the easiest thing definitely is to say well either DS gets on the plane or you have him for two weeks. Choose. I know it's not what you want and he almost certainly won't call your bluff but if he does, you get a much needed break, DS gets to know his half sibling and your ex might actually start to get a clue about what an actual parent looks like.