AIBU to tell my daughter to come back home after living abroad?

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My eldest daughter is 22 and lives in a country she has always wanted to since she was a teenager. She knew I would miss her when she moved, so at first she said she was only going for a short time to go travelling. But now she seems to be staying put in this country. One of her friends from school is also out there with her and they decided to go together.

She phoned me a few days ago for a chat and told me something worrying. Apparently she’s been working in a ‘hostess bar’ where she speaks to men and serves them drinks. I was a bit upset about this because she’d told me at first that she’d been teaching English and had told my ex-husband (her dad) the truth about the hostess job. To me, it seems similar to escorting and I’m not comfortable with her being in that environment, probably being leered at by older men.

I only found out because she told her dad that one of the clients, a man in his late 30s, seems obsessed with her and that he followed her back to where she lives. Ex-husband told me and then my daughter confirmed it during the phone call. I told her that she’s in a dangerous situation as this man knows where she lives and anything could happen. I told her to report him to the police and to make plans to come back home where her family are. She told me she doesn’t want to report it as she doesn’t have the right work visa and it could mess things up for her/ get her into trouble.

I have a younger school-aged daughter who has now become aware of this situation because she heard my ex-husband talking about it with me and now she’s asking questions and worrying. I don’t know what to say to her because I can’t sleep at night thinking about this.

I’m upset with my ex-husband and my older daughter because both have been dishonest and I suspect they’re still not telling me everything that’s going on. She has always been close to both of us but more so to him because he moved out when she was young and has always been the weekend parent who gave her all the treats and fun trips, while I was working and trying to support the children.

Ex-husband has told her to be careful, tell her boss about the man and to tell us if the man causes any problems. He says she’s an adult and we shouldn’t interfere. But I don’t think that’s good enough. I’m terrified that this strange man will cause her harm. I want her to come home and have been arguing with her dad about this since I found out. I know she kept things from me to stop me worrying but that’s caused even more worry. Her dad is quite irresponsible anyway (that's another story) and is dismissing what I'm saying to him about this.

I’ve asked my partner if we can use our savings to book a flight there for a visit. At least then I’ll be close to her and can help with the situation because I feel powerless here.

AIBU to tell her to come home and end her travels early? I know she’s an adult but it’s hard to sit back and do nothing when you feel that your child could be in a dangerous situation.

Oh blimey that is a worry OP. However, at 22 you can't make her return home. I wouldn't be happy with the job though, and the bloke sounds very odd. She does need to report him.

I can see why you’re concerned, but you can’t compel an adult to move countries. Encourage to get her visa on the proper footing?

Would she see it from the angle that if caught working illegally she could get deported, and bared from ever visiting that country again? If it’s her dream to live and work there permanently or properly, ie not in a sleazy bar, then she’s fucking the whole thing up.

So worrying. But I don't think it sounds like telling her to come home will achieve anything and risks her not telling you more things.

Can you change tack? Acknowledge she's an adult and able to make her own choices, but as this is concerning, can you have a serious conversations about what she can do to be careful.

Really, if she's working illegally, she could end up deported or with a record and if it's a country she's always wanted to be in, that would not be good. Can you support her to legitimise her stay? And then she could have a decent job and report this to the police.

Is the country Japan? If so I’d be getting her home.

This story made me think of Lucie Blackman

https://amp.theguardian.com/theguardian/2000/jul/13/features11.g21
I was travelling a long time ago but even in Australia there were recruiters trying to get us to go there but it’s super dodgy and we heard stories of the Yakuza and girls having their passports taken away.

What a worry

She's an adult. You can't force her to return home

I'd be frustrated that your ex is undermining you. Pity you're not on the same page

You could tell her about Lucie Blackman case, to explain why you're concerned

I hope things turn out OK

Indeed very sad but still going on

It's incredibly worrying but she's an adult. Instead of telling her to come home which won't happen and cause a rift can you afford to pay for some other sort of travelling experience whilst she's there to get her out of the area.

This story made me think of Lucie Blackman

Me too.

It's hard to convince her to change things. She was telling me on the phone that she's worked very hard at this club and is making good money from it, she's popular with the clients and they often request her company etc. It's very unsettling.

She seems happy and confident there and this is what my ex-husband keeps saying. At school she was quiet and often felt left out so I can see why she enjoys this. But she's blind to the dangers. She said the man was 'obsessive' but nice and sweet to her when they are in the bar. Of course he's nice to her, he probably has an agenda.

The Lucie Blackman story is terrifying. I have to be careful I don't come across as lecturing her or trying to spoil her fun new life, because I'm conscious her dad thinks I'm too overprotective and he might have said that to her.

I will research visas and see if I can support her with getting the right one. At least then she'd be safer.

You can't tell an adult what to do.

I also lived overseas when I was in my 20s, and if my parents had told me to come home (or told me to do anything for that matter) I would have ignored them. In fact it would probably have made me more determined to stay!

Me too.

But there's absolutely no point in arguing with your ex or her about coming home. You absolutely can't force her, she is an adult.

I would encourage her to share her phone location with a few friends/colleagues there, and to get herself a personal alarm/pepper spray and ring doorbell just in case.

As the mother of similarly aged dds, I am with you op! I’d be out of mind with worry and, if possible, on the first plane out there. I’d be sitting at the bar when she came on duty for the evening!

You can’t force her to come home but you can talk to her in a supportive way about choices. And by going there, you could assess her living situation, get a better picture close hand of the customer harassment situation and it would let her know that you are serious and that she is loved.

I’d be furious about your ex’s attitude to this too. Why isn’t he already on a plane?

Travelling and working abroad = fine and her choice.

Working illegally as a hostess in a bar -
= nope not fine at all imho as risky and exploitative (the good wage is given to mitigate the exploitation)

She may be an adult but she doesn’t have an accurate awareness of the broader picture here. You can talk to her calmly about the dangers, whether the extra money is worth it, what does this job add to her future progression etc?

I’d be discussing exactly what it is about about pandering to men’s more basic instincts, increases her self esteem? Maybe explore alternative ways of doing that?

You can then leave knowing you have done what you can and the rest is up to her. I might be tempted to have a serious word with the bar owner though about men harassing your daughter, just to put the wind up them a bit.

I know lots of people on here would consider that too heavy handed but I am just saying this is what I would do personally. Yes by doing all of this you will risk putting your dd on the defensive and alienating her even further, but a parent’s job is sometimes to risk being unpopular in order to point out dangers , and that is better than seeing a policeman arrive on your doorstep with bad news.

There are situations which require a firm word, and situations which require immediate intervention and I think this qualifies as the latter.

You can frame it in terms of “you are a wonderful person and I love you too much not to come out and make sure you are ok”

Shut up and leave the welcome mat out. I've found transitioning to adult parenting incredibly hard. To me now the most important thing is to allow them to tell you anything. You can ask things like "are you worried? Is there anything I can do to help you?" I'd make my priority to get her to open up she won't come home to recriminations. Sounds awful for both of you.

Does she still have her passport? Has she left a photocopy with you as a backup? It wouldn't hurt to have a copy if she'll let you

You can be very blunt about the risks she is taking. Not just the job she has chosen. Adding in that she is working illegally makes her even more vulnerable in that type of employment.

then you can tell her that whenever she asks, you will buy her a plane ticket home. Have the money ready to go. That way she knows if she needs to get out, she doesn’t have to save up to leave.

in the interim, the only thing you can really do is refuse to send her any money. Financial support is your only negotiating tool.

I would approach it as ‘come back home and sort the appropriate visa before you get deported and will never be able to go back’

Could you support her financially to move?
That way you can come across as you are trying to help her solve the problem that she acknowledges, without focussing on the problem that she doesn't want to tackle yet.

I agree with this.

the bloke who's obsessed with her is a fucking weird predator. he won't stop this behaviour, it'll just be someone else next. she needs to come home and get her papers in order and then consider whether she shoudl go back

and your exh is a demented twat for letting this all happen

All you can do is say you will be here when she wants to come back and she's always welcome home. Offer to buy her plane ticket.

Then stop with any lectures etc. Don't alienate her or it will make her too embarrassed to ask for help down the line.

She's an adult and all you can do is be there for her but she needs to figure it out. What an awful situation though.

Serving drinks with a bit of chit chat is not like escorting/sex work at all.
I did similar in the US as a young adult.

OP YABU, a man can just as easily get obsessed with a young woman and stalk her here. It’s a sad reality no matter where you go in the world as a young woman.

You are using this as an excuse to pressure her to come home for you. You need to let go and let her live her life.

Which country is she in? Presumably she's on a tourist visa, how much longer does she have on that?

This! Do check she is in possession of her passport, and that she can send you a scanned copy and have one in her emails for safety. Apart from that I don't know what you can do apart from suggest a friend has a location tracker of her phone and that she checks in with someone after each shift. My sympathies. I would be worried sick too.