Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

[LilacsLife]

I have a few questions actually and I am hoping to cover them on this one thread! I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon (we have been doing it where I’m staying basically full time, so he did express to me that he thinks it would just be best I move in and can then officially split things 50/50). He has a dog and cat and has told me I absolutely don’t need to contribute money towards them, but that he then wants to be able to stick to his schedules with things, he is quite strict with stuff like bedtime and when he goes to bed and does walks and stuff, simply so the dog stays in a routine (he lives in a flat so there’s a few walks for a toilet break) and there’s one before bed, so he has set bedtimes for set shifts and things. It feels quite a lot (we are late 20s, I will add) and we are obviously child-free atm so don’t really want so much structure, I’ve said like can we just relax on that and he says if we do, the dog’s behaviour can be unpredictable with being too hyper or having accidents (if routines aren’t followed) I love his pets and do want them to become mine too and for me to be able to have an equal say in stuff and I said if I can, I’ll of course then contribute to half the costs of them, he says he admits it might be hard to do that as he has had his dog 7 years and knows what’s best for him and would find it hard for me to now come in with a bunch of different ideas and change things up, which is why he says he would never expect me to pay for them. What’s the general opinion on this anyway? Do people split pet costs if they move in with partners that have pets? Like, I have no idea what is even acceptable with that, regardless of this specific situation. I admit I am quite lazy and around full time work I don’t want to be setting my alarm if I’m on a late shift and having to work until the late evening but he will usually still have his bedtime of about midnight and get up at 8! I personally like to relax in bed most the morning until I’m due to get up for work or maybe get up an hour before to do some jobs, I don’t want to be up and out with the dog at 8am, he says I don’t have to be out with the dog but he thinks it’s going to be hard if he is going to bed at say midnight or even 8pm for early shifts (we both do shift work, but are usually on the same, it’s specific shifts hence he has his routines) and then I do completely different and I do agree… is this just a case of us not being compatible? It hurts my heart to think that as I love him loads and he actually makes me really happy and I love his dog and cat, I always wanted pets but my parents never allowed (I moved back in with them to save) so I do genuinely really love his, etc. but I am just a lot less structured and as I have admitted before… lazy lol. So does this then not work? He has said he will stick with his routines with his dog/cat (mainly the dog) around his shifts and I am more than welcome to do what I want that works best for me but that he would obviously like it to align with his the best it can but then I feel I have to do what he does vs what I do because of the dog so not much compromise? My friends and other relatives have had dogs and from my understanding it’s never needed to seem so rigid. I don’t know, feeling a bit deflated and have no idea who to ask on what’s fair

Where do you live normally OP? It sounds like you have moved into his by stealth and as you are there most of the time he wants to make it official, by laying down a few ground rules and not subsiding all your living costs.

I can understand why if you are adding to his bills and hanging around his during the day why he might want to not pay for a dog walker - and have you take the dog out-but he can’t really trust you to do it.

He sounds like he’s adulting- paying bills, a few responsibilities, and you aren’t quite there yet.

Don't move in together. You have no idea what you want from your own home because you haven't been able to experience it yet. Get somewhere that's yours, think about cohabiting later.

In a house with a garden, that’s exactly what I do too.

But you can’t wait for them to ask to go out in a flat, because you still need to get your shoes and jacket on and then walk them to somewhere they can actually go to the toilet.

The OP has said her boyfriend doesn’t actually have a timetable, he just does things around the same time, the issue is that she’s saying don’t book the dog Walker and then isn’t taking the dog out around the time he’s used to.

Then she’s up late so so is the dog and he’ll need out again.

Don't move from your parents house to the house of a man who treats you like a child. You are right to recognise that you need some fun and freedom before having children. That is normal and natural. You say you are saving. Invest in your own future. Stop living in other people's houses and learn to live in a place of your own, even if it's just one room in a shared flat with other girls. Make friends and have fun.

The reason I think he's an arsehole is not because he sticks to a strict routine. It's because he claims that you have growing up to do but he isn't mature enough to see that you can't do that growing up while you're living with him and his routines.

he says I can if I really want to but that it’s just ruining our time together and how we function together at home…

So he says it's either do it his way or your time together is ruined? Really, he is an arsehole.

I can understand you thinking ahead about the clashing routines and outlook but he does sound eminently sensible!

He has pets, lives in a flat so can't just open the door to let them out, and works shifts so of course he has to keep to a routine to have a smooth household - if only more men would be so organised.

You might change your mind about wanting to share pet costs if a hefty vet's bill comes in!

Do you live with your parents usually?

Seems like you have an expectation that when you move in together you should be on the same schedule for sleeping, waking and whatever you do in the day.

Thats not how it works in reality for many couples.

Lots of couple have different schedules but work at it to make it work for them. It doesnt sound like you're ready for this yet. It doesnt sound like he is either as he doesnt seem to want to compromise.

I do agree you shouldnt mess around with pet routines (or children if you had them) if it will impact them negatively.

When we had our dog, if we got up during the night he would be up too and standing by the backdoor to get out for a pee/quick sniff around. Pretty normal for dogs.

If you ignore, there is a risk of the dog toileting in the flat which is not nice for anyone including the dog and not the dogs fault.

dog + flat + different work shifts just isn't a good combination.

The only solutions are - dog is rehomed (No!!!!), wait until you can afford a house with garden together so dog can be let out back door (hope it is not a barky dog or your ndns will hate you), or the dog need to be taken out at 2am.

It all seems to me to be a mountain out of a molehill?

He doesn't expect you to pay for his pets so that's good. He doesn't expect you to be involved with them from a responsibility point of view and that's fine.

I would imagine over time that things evolve organically, so he's late back or has a night out and he asks if you can feed/walk pets. He will want to see that his pets are ok with you and vice versa I guess.

The thing about different bedtimes, etc I think is also a non issue. I'm an early bird, dh is an owl. I go to bed at 9:30pm, dh stays downstairs and comes to bed at something like midnight. You can do stuff separately and still have a relationship.

Because of her updates

But you can’t wait for them to ask to go out in a flat, because you still need to get your shoes and jacket on and then walk them to somewhere they can actually go to the toilet

I mean, you can. Adult dogs are more than capable of waiting five minutes while you get your shoes and coat on. I mean, we have a garden but sometimes my dog will still have to wait because I'm on the toilet or in the shower or occupied elsewhere - it's really not a problem.

The OP has said her boyfriend doesn’t actually have a timetable, he just does things around the same time, the issue is that she’s saying don’t book the dog Walker and then isn’t taking the dog out around the time he’s used to.

Again, unless the dog is desperate I really don't see the issue with this either. Dogs don't need to go out the same times everyday (barring medical issues or puppies/elderly dogs). Even dog walkers won't turn up at exactly the same time every single day - I say that as a dog walker myself. It's just not possible for all sorts of reasons.

I can't believe the responses OP is getting here, boyfriend sounds as controlling as fuck! Telling her she can't nap then "oh you can if you really want to but it ruins our time together" - wtf. People here are going to be against her because she confesses she likes to relax, see there's already lots of slating about being "immature", but this guy is ringing alarm bells for me, he wants it all his own way.

But I think different people want different things from their dogs- it would drive me nuts if my dog was asking me to go out

Whereas a routine of going out every x hours would drive me nuts. I really don't buy that dogs need such a rigid routine - it's just what works best for the owners and the dogs adapt to it and get used to it.

I purposefully never had a routine in place for my dog because the last thing I wanted was a dog who demanded walks at certain times or who couldn't settle without his routine being followed.

On weekends he often doesn't get up and ask to go out until 10am, on weekdays we have to take him out at six. He's fine either way.

@LilacsLife so, pet needs aside, you wanting a nap ruins your time together (his words) but he won’t flex things he does for you? Sorry, this is waving red flags for me as it sounds like you will be the one compromising and that could lead to resentment. Who compromises at the moment?

Yeah the no napping thing is bullshit. Don't fall for that.

yes dogs can wait, but I work from home and in a flash so couldn’t have my dog asking to go out if I’m on a call, I much prefer that he knows he gets taken out regularly so knows he doesn’t need to ask. The thing is there is no right or wrong answer on this- different owners prefer different things.

I think from what they say the bf is fairly flexible with his schedule- the dog goes out around lunchtime for example- but it’s knowing to trust her that if she is going to take it out in the middle of the day it isn’t left until 3 or 4 o’clock because she’s flaked out. Dog walkers arrive at different times, but you’d still expect them within an hour or two of when booked

I've read her updates and didn't see anything that suggested controlling. What are you seeing ?

OK the dogs thing isn’t unreasonable.

however I’m totally with you on the routine! Honestly he sounds quite rigid, boring, narrow minded and judgmental. As if you need to fit in with him, because his way is the right way. I could never be with someone who watches the clock for an early bedtime with no deviation…would feel like we were in prison tbh

you sound more relaxed and spontaneous than he is, and I think you might end up feeling stifled, insecure and misunderstood without some serious communication.

Yep

also, any dog I had while living in a flat didn’t actually ask to go out unless it was urgent, they might start going, feels like you usually walk me about now, whatcha doing? Is it walk time? If you were doing something, same as any dog does.

But if they actually were at the door going, I need out, they really needed out.

Didn’t expect so many replies! Thank you but I need to keep reading them all

He gets about 7 hours a night, aims to go to bed about 8 and gets up at 4, but it’s obviously not sleep right away and alarm goes off from 3:30. I have a nap because I leave at 5, go to bed about 11 and I just am tired as I’ve slept about 4 hours

He hasn’t told me I can’t do anything, just expressed to me quite a bit how he feels about it

I do pay my fair share of food, like if we do takeaways I will order on my phone, he usually stops off at shops on the way home from work to get fresh food bits and he pays for those but then I will do an online shop for say waters and pay for that, so it averages out really. Bills and rent he pays and I admit I haven’t contributed to that but obviously would when I move in, he’s saving but at a much much slower rate than me as he obviously has a lot more to spend money on

I am not trying to sound horrible about the dog, I really love him, he’s a great little boy but I just can’t be setting my alarms or start going out at 2am to do the last toilet break if I’m awake, I do take him out twice if I’m there and he is at work but as I say, I don’t have an alarm set for exact times, if I’m still half asleep or taking a bath, I will do it after I don’t see the problem. Maybe the dog would prefer it at the exact times he is used to but I really don’t see it being a huge deal

I do think maybe moving in right now is probably not the best thing then but I don’t want to just keep endlessly dating with no progress as I am looking to move out of home now as I do feel like I can still be treated a bit childlike and for that, I do much prefer the life at his and can see my future with him but just prefer flexibility

You can't have that with him though. If you want flexibility, it would have to be with someone else?

Absolutely this!!

Its do important to learn to live by yourself first.

He does have a very rigid routine but he’s doing what he thinks is best for his pets, so he’s being responsible which is a good thing.

If someone tried to tell me how to care for my pets or kids after I’d been doing it just fine for years, it would definitely rub me up the wrong way.

Continue with the relationship but live independently for a while, do not move in together yet.

Then in the future consider getting a place together, so it will be both your homes and not just his.

as I am looking to move out of home now as I do feel like I can still be treated a bit childlike and for that, I do much prefer the life at his and can see my future with him but just prefer flexibility

This makes it sound like you’re only with him/wanting to move in with him so you don’t have to live with your parents.

That is absolutely not a good basis for moving in with someone and it just won’t work.

Perhaps look at shared housing/people needing a lodger to move out on your own if you don’t want to be completely alone.

op you just sound very different. I have a dog and don't think I could live with a regimented, strict dog person, great they look after their dog as they do but it's just not me. You wanting flexibility and not wanting the responsibility he lives with is totally fine. Don't settle just to get out of your family home