Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

[LilacsLife]

I have a few questions actually and I am hoping to cover them on this one thread! I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon (we have been doing it where I’m staying basically full time, so he did express to me that he thinks it would just be best I move in and can then officially split things 50/50). He has a dog and cat and has told me I absolutely don’t need to contribute money towards them, but that he then wants to be able to stick to his schedules with things, he is quite strict with stuff like bedtime and when he goes to bed and does walks and stuff, simply so the dog stays in a routine (he lives in a flat so there’s a few walks for a toilet break) and there’s one before bed, so he has set bedtimes for set shifts and things. It feels quite a lot (we are late 20s, I will add) and we are obviously child-free atm so don’t really want so much structure, I’ve said like can we just relax on that and he says if we do, the dog’s behaviour can be unpredictable with being too hyper or having accidents (if routines aren’t followed) I love his pets and do want them to become mine too and for me to be able to have an equal say in stuff and I said if I can, I’ll of course then contribute to half the costs of them, he says he admits it might be hard to do that as he has had his dog 7 years and knows what’s best for him and would find it hard for me to now come in with a bunch of different ideas and change things up, which is why he says he would never expect me to pay for them. What’s the general opinion on this anyway? Do people split pet costs if they move in with partners that have pets? Like, I have no idea what is even acceptable with that, regardless of this specific situation. I admit I am quite lazy and around full time work I don’t want to be setting my alarm if I’m on a late shift and having to work until the late evening but he will usually still have his bedtime of about midnight and get up at 8! I personally like to relax in bed most the morning until I’m due to get up for work or maybe get up an hour before to do some jobs, I don’t want to be up and out with the dog at 8am, he says I don’t have to be out with the dog but he thinks it’s going to be hard if he is going to bed at say midnight or even 8pm for early shifts (we both do shift work, but are usually on the same, it’s specific shifts hence he has his routines) and then I do completely different and I do agree… is this just a case of us not being compatible? It hurts my heart to think that as I love him loads and he actually makes me really happy and I love his dog and cat, I always wanted pets but my parents never allowed (I moved back in with them to save) so I do genuinely really love his, etc. but I am just a lot less structured and as I have admitted before… lazy lol. So does this then not work? He has said he will stick with his routines with his dog/cat (mainly the dog) around his shifts and I am more than welcome to do what I want that works best for me but that he would obviously like it to align with his the best it can but then I feel I have to do what he does vs what I do because of the dog so not much compromise? My friends and other relatives have had dogs and from my understanding it’s never needed to seem so rigid. I don’t know, feeling a bit deflated and have no idea who to ask on what’s fair

I think you need to live by yourself as an adult and get some independence. I don’t think it’s particularly healthy to move from your parents straight in with a partner.

If you want to move out, do. Find your own place or a houseshare.

If you want flexibility and carefree, do not persist jn a relationship with someone who has an established routine, 2 pets, a mortgage, and no apparent desire to become more footloose and fancy free. Because very few people become more flexible as they age.

I don’t think either of you are compatible enough for this relationship, but should have stayed as friends as you enjoy each others company, but you’re really not on his wavelength at all and vice versa.

If it’s not fun and easy for both of you at the very start, it’s definitely not going to improve longer term, especially if you bring children into the mix. You can’t change someone’s fundamental personality traits and you shouldn’t try to.

Stay friends but move on and look for a new boyfriend.

as I am looking to move out of home now as I do feel like I can still be treated a bit childlike and for that, I do much prefer the life at his and can see my future with him but just prefer flexibility

you don’t like being treated like a child- but you aren’t acting like an adult. It sounds like you’ve moved into his by stealth because you want to get out of your parents. If you want flexibility and to live your life by your rules you need to act as an adult and get your own place. If you live with others you will always need to compromise. Live by yourself for a bit get some independence

We do get to do stuff and we have gone out at the weekends without the dog and the dog goes to the pet sitter for the day/night and we went out for the evening and then the walker pops in, etc. so to be fair, it’s not always with the dog but I do enjoy the dog walks I do with him and it’s why I am happy to have a dog and own one and always have wanted to but I like the big park walks which is like the main walk of the day and am happy to join on those it’s just the toilet walks and it needing to be in the middle of the night if I stay awake sounding painful. It’s weird because as much as he is so set in his ways with his pets he has said to me before that he would never not do something he wants to do, he just makes sure his dog is being looked after so he can do it. It’s why he says he does always prefer to pay for the service so he knows it’s done right vs just getting a neighbour or friend and that it’s then consistent for the dog if it’s the same sitter/walker etc. he clearly loves his dog loads and I do admire it but it definitely just feels a lot and my sister has a child and it genuinely feels like he talks about routine more than she does! I think I will definitely be giving it some more time though, like we were definitely on the edge of moving in but I feel we need to take it back a bit

@Herdingcatz I agree about different owners wanting different things. I also do what you do and let mine out before I have a bath or something just for convenience.

It kind of bothers me that people are standing up for him by saying "dogs need routine" while purposefully ignoring the bigger picture when it comes to his behaviour.

This isn't just a man whose dog has a strict routine - it's a man who won't ever flex his sleep schedule for his partner, who expects her to take his dog out to the toilet at 2am, who disapproves of her taking naps and who has said out loud that she can just take it or leave it:

He's inflexible and rigid at best, controlling at worst.

I do take him out twice if I’m there and he is at work but as I say, I don’t have an alarm set for exact times, if I’m still half asleep or taking a bath, I will do it after I don’t see the problem. Maybe the dog would prefer it at the exact times he is used to but I really don’t see it being a huge deal

It's not a huge deal. Please don't let people tell you otherwise - what you're doing sounds absolutely fine.

I think I will definitely be giving it some more time though, like we were definitely on the edge of moving in but I feel we need to take it back a bit

Wise move.

Having a dog is lovely. You haven't mentioned friends though. What happens when you want to stay out with friends? Or isn't that a thing?

my sister has a child and it genuinely feels like he talks about routine more than she does!

It really sounds as if inflexibility and the need for routine are more deeply rooted in your partner than they are in the dog. That's a worry if you were to have children with him. He might find a dog manageable but not be able to adapt his routines to the needs of a family.

Hi Lilacs. Sorry no time to read full thread but I've read your messages. What struck me was this.

"in his world, naps aren't allowed"

He's really calling all the shots isn't he. He sounds more like your supervisor than your boyfriend. The things he's said to you that he's quoted reek of disapproval. I note a few posters have said its because he's an adult and you are still not yada yada yada. He's not your blooming boss and whilst he may congratulate himself on his amazing time management and seriously disapprove of yours, doesn't necessarily mean he's right.
You are much much lower in the pecking order in this relationship and I think its far too early to move in with someone who makes you feel like that. Particularly if you've found it hurtful to hear him say he could be quite content without you being there but it would be great if you moved in and split the bills 50 50.
But from the sound of things, it doesn't sound like you'd have equal voting rights if you did.
He's made it clear that YOU are moving into HIS place and that you must conform to his rules. You've also said that you have substantial savings. What would the basis of you moving in be, does he rent? or pay a mortgage? Make sure you think about the financial side carefully and protect yourself if you do move in.

So moving on to the things he disapproves of. If I was leaving the house at 5 am in the morning, I'd damn well want a nap when I got home, so I could enjoy the evening. If that's what you need to do to prepare for the next shift, that's what you should do. You are in your early 20s, you don't have any particular responsibilities or children. He's made it clear the pets are his.

"he says I can if I really want to but that it’s just ruining our time together and how we function together at home"

That is complete guilt tripping - you are "ruining" your time together? But his strict timetable and inflexible routines are perfectly fine. There doesn't seem to be much room for compromise here. No give or take, its his way or the highway and he's already said he'd be fine if you didn't move in.

The reality of this is that you are both shift workers, often on different schedules. Somehow his way of sorting this out is Ok and yours is not. I imagine that being a shift worker you have to organise your life around shifts in a way that suits you- if you need a lie in before starting work at 11 if you've had a series of 5.00 am starts, then you should be able to have it and not feel guilt about it.

You mention several times that you are "lazy", presumably because of the naps. Did you consider yourself lazy before, or was this only since he started telling you off about taking time out to relax from what sounds like a busy and varied work routine. Is it a fair comment or Is it in fact his description of you?

Whatever character traits you find rankle with you now will more than double if you move in, so maybe you should take your time with this. Its a big decision and you have several issues to sort out with him before you do. He's not the boss of you - yet.

For a seven year dog that is used to vo out at set times it is absolutely hughe deal.
At that age dog can start having incontinemce issuez, not to mention, dogs just like people like to pee amd poo when they are awake, not wait an hour for someone to get up from a nap.

Big respect for that bloke to caring for animals seriously.
But yeah, she can ditch him now and complain in a year time on MN why her baby daddy cannot bw bothered to attend screaming child as he is taking a long bath and chilling in bed.

That's not my experience at all @LondonFox - just because a dog is used to a certain routine doesn't mean it couldn't cope if that routine changed.

My dog is six and happily goes hours without asking to go out - if I try and let him out he just rolls his eyes and goes back to sleep.

I also don't know any seven year old dog who is incontinent or who would toilet on the floor if they were expected to wait ten minutes to use the toilet.

OP never said anything about expecting the dog to wait an hour either, but the reality is that dogs need to fit around their owners to some extent.

If I'm in the bath or on the toilet or on a work call they yes, my dog is expected to wait - just like I'd have to wait if I was driving or the bathroom was engaged or I was at the dentist's having a tooth out.

I think that you would be wise to not move in as you don't sound compatible. You may still be finding your feet in terms of how you want to live but your boyfriend is very much an old bachelor. He's seems set in his ways and is already implying that you should live exactly as he does.

One year is no time at all. Live by yourself and learn how you like to live. Then he can visit if he says not then he's telling you that he won't accommodate you, but I think he's already said that.

Moving in after a year is quite quick. I wonder if you weren’t desperate to move out of your parents if you’d be considering it. It sounds like because you’re there most of the time he wants to make it official to get a contribution to bills.

You sound like you've got a lot of growing up to do before you move in with someone who's already independent and 'grown up'

OP you see moving in with your bf as the answer to being stuck living at home with your parents. Why not move out into a house share instead? Do some growing up and get some independence instead of jumping straight from one set of house rules into another.
You don't need to dump him yet but if I were you I'd be keeping an eye out for more red flags. I don't think he really wants you to move in for the right reasons either, because he won't compromise on anything. For him the motive is financial above all.

You're late 20s with no kids and he sounds like he has the routine of an 80 year old and a fucking boring one at that. Surely at your age you will be out most weekends? Then trips away, holidays etc. Do you have to be in by his routine bed time? These are the years which are supposed to be fun, free, easy and he sounds like a right drag

This sounds like a case of two very different people with very different ideas of how to live life with me. You boyfriend is being extremely responsible and a massively good pet owner - keeping a dog in a flat requires routine because they can't just go out when they want. Dogs have schedules too as to when they need to be fed, walked, toileted etc and your boyfriend realises that and is doing his very best for them - fair play to him! The schedule thing with regards to bedtimes etc is going to be where you fall down - he sounds really organised and is happy with that organisation in his life, you on the other hand are very moment to moment and those two personalities will clash badly living together. You're going to get sick of his routines and he's going to get sick of your lack of 'up-and-at-'em'. Live by yourself for a while because this isn't going to work.

If this doesn’t work out where will you be in 6 months time or a year?

If you cut your losses now, you could have 6 months of savings towards a deposit built up, and met someone whose approach to life is more in sync with yours.

Sometimes you have to let Mr Nearly Right go in order to clear the path to find a great partner. And it’s painful, like ripping off a plaster. But have a browse on the relationship board to get a sense of what it’s like living through the slow burn.

Moving in together has disaster written all over it. And the problem with intimate relationships is that they can be deeply damaging to the very core of our psyche, and sometimes leave us too damaged to extricate ourselves.

There’s a fundamental lack of respect from both of you towards each other’s ways and rhythms. That’s not a foundation you can build on. Sorry.

Do you really want to move in with him? I read all of that and I thought maybe keeping your freedom might be better?

This sounds like a bigger problem than the pets. It sounds like he wants to completely stick to his routine and for you to fit into it, rather than you working out what living together looks like as a couple. The pets sound like an excuse for him to be inflexible.

Living together is a big test of a relationship. There's always a teething period in my experience but then sometimes you work it out or sometimes you realise actually you can't live with this person.

I think you’ve made the right decision to wait.

It is good that these issues have come up now as once you move in properly, then things become a lot more strained and it’s not so easy to leave again without having to end the relationship.

I'll preface this by admitting I'm not a pet lover.

But are you sure this relationship is what you want?

Being a stepmum is a thankless task but people do it because they recognise that the child's needs come before their own.

But this is a dog. And unlike kids, the chances are that when this dog dies, after a period of grieving, he'll get another dog.

Don't waste your life waiting around for a dog.

A degree of adjustment to routines happens naturally for a lot of people once they move in together, but you don't get to dictate when someone goes to bed or what their pets' needs are.

He sounds like he's a responsible pet owner with a routine that works well for him and the pets. He's entirely within his rights to say he doesn't want to massively disrupt that routine to accommodate someone else's self-confessed laziness.

If you don't want to go to bed at a particular time, don't. You're free to choose your own bedtime just like he is. It's not unusual for people to go to bed at different times.

If you don't want to go on a morning walk, don't go. He's perfectly capable of walking the dog by himself.

Obviously most dogs can go hours without going outside.
BUT if your last walk is in normal evening time and dog is used to go out first thing in the morning it is hard for dog to wait another hour on top of 12h wait to pee just bcs someone is awake and roaming around or chilling in bed.
I would certanly hate to wait an hour to pee.

Dogs like toddlers love routine.
I don't see a reason dog owner should fuck up his and dogs routine just bacause some chick want's to move in and play family.