Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

[LilacsLife]

I have a few questions actually and I am hoping to cover them on this one thread! I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon (we have been doing it where I’m staying basically full time, so he did express to me that he thinks it would just be best I move in and can then officially split things 50/50). He has a dog and cat and has told me I absolutely don’t need to contribute money towards them, but that he then wants to be able to stick to his schedules with things, he is quite strict with stuff like bedtime and when he goes to bed and does walks and stuff, simply so the dog stays in a routine (he lives in a flat so there’s a few walks for a toilet break) and there’s one before bed, so he has set bedtimes for set shifts and things. It feels quite a lot (we are late 20s, I will add) and we are obviously child-free atm so don’t really want so much structure, I’ve said like can we just relax on that and he says if we do, the dog’s behaviour can be unpredictable with being too hyper or having accidents (if routines aren’t followed) I love his pets and do want them to become mine too and for me to be able to have an equal say in stuff and I said if I can, I’ll of course then contribute to half the costs of them, he says he admits it might be hard to do that as he has had his dog 7 years and knows what’s best for him and would find it hard for me to now come in with a bunch of different ideas and change things up, which is why he says he would never expect me to pay for them. What’s the general opinion on this anyway? Do people split pet costs if they move in with partners that have pets? Like, I have no idea what is even acceptable with that, regardless of this specific situation. I admit I am quite lazy and around full time work I don’t want to be setting my alarm if I’m on a late shift and having to work until the late evening but he will usually still have his bedtime of about midnight and get up at 8! I personally like to relax in bed most the morning until I’m due to get up for work or maybe get up an hour before to do some jobs, I don’t want to be up and out with the dog at 8am, he says I don’t have to be out with the dog but he thinks it’s going to be hard if he is going to bed at say midnight or even 8pm for early shifts (we both do shift work, but are usually on the same, it’s specific shifts hence he has his routines) and then I do completely different and I do agree… is this just a case of us not being compatible? It hurts my heart to think that as I love him loads and he actually makes me really happy and I love his dog and cat, I always wanted pets but my parents never allowed (I moved back in with them to save) so I do genuinely really love his, etc. but I am just a lot less structured and as I have admitted before… lazy lol. So does this then not work? He has said he will stick with his routines with his dog/cat (mainly the dog) around his shifts and I am more than welcome to do what I want that works best for me but that he would obviously like it to align with his the best it can but then I feel I have to do what he does vs what I do because of the dog so not much compromise? My friends and other relatives have had dogs and from my understanding it’s never needed to seem so rigid. I don’t know, feeling a bit deflated and have no idea who to ask on what’s fair

You are child-free, but he effectively has a child - his dog.

I am more than welcome to do what I want that works best for me but that he would obviously like it to align with his

he’s not really bothered about you moving in, is he? He’s just thinking that you might as well since you’re there all them time anyway and he’ll get some extra money.

Plus, the way some people are talking about his dogs, I would think was OTT if it was their PFB.

You are not ready to move in together @LilacsLife

Why should he change something that works for him? Plus having you move in is a big change for his dog. So just like a child if there's any other changes that will impact the dog's behaviour. You don't have to contribute if you don't want to. But you could buy them the odd treat and toys.

I think in your shoes I would move out but not with your boyfriend. Why not take control of your own life and maybe move in with a friend or stranger, maybe in a share household, and discover how you'd like to live? Of course you could stay over at his place sometimes if that's what you both want but I think if you move in full-time now you will throw away the freedom to discover how you want to live.

This.

and the romance of this

" he thinks he has to “teach” me and that he’s basically trying to get me to conform to this life or he wont be happy with me. Especially when he makes it clear he was also happy alone."

He's not willing to meet her half way and can take or leave her being there. But he'd like 50 per cent of the bills please.

The pets are a red herring. He's looking after them and she has helped out, but he's made it clear they are his pets.

One year is too soon Lilacs.

this is what I think personally too, it's alright people saying he'd be a great dad, but you need to go with the flow with kids, their 'routines' change constantly as their needs change and it sounds to me like he'd have a hard time with that as he thinks his way is superior, it doesn't make for a good partnership.

I've had dogs all my life and have three now, but you don't have to set your alarm on your phone to take your dog out at an exact time.. that says more about the owner than the dog, his dog may have got used to that but only because he's conditioned him to.

I also think if he's taken him out at midnight and is getting up at 8am to take him out again there is no way on earth he should be sending his girlfriend out for a walk with the dog at 2am just because that is what time she chooses to go to bed.. there's a safety aspect of that to think of too and I personally think the only reason he's pushing for that is to make OP go to bed at the same time as him which is what he wants.

@LondonFox I don't see anyone suggesting the dog waits 12 hours to pee? If he's up at four and OP goes to bed at 2 then she can let the dog out at 10 and it'll be good for six hours overnight.

I actually don't agree that dogs need routine - what happens is that humans have work routines and the dog slots in around it, but then struggles at weekends or whatever because things are different.

I personally don't think that's healthy and my dog knows he goes for his walks when I'm ready to take him not at the time he demands.

They are his pets so his rules. He knows what routine would best for them. You sound very immature and im
not quite sure why you want to meddle with established routines.

It is really unusual (weird) to go to bed at 8pm and get up at 4am. The vast majority of people would not do this!

Dogs do love a routine, but they can be moved slightly. Going to bed at 10/11pm and getting up at 6/7am would be absolutely fine for the dog.

He won't compromise, judges who you are, and he won't change.

Run! He is the red flag, not you.

You are free to be another bad dog owner.
There is nothing stopping you.
Every professional advice on trining dogs will tell you to establish routine.
Your oppinion is irrelevant to anyone appart your poor dog.

My friend does this. Shes not remotely weird, she’s lovely.

She’s just a lark. 4.00 am is when she says she’s most energetic.

The fact you think your fair share is some takeaways and bottled water and the only extra would be rent says it all. Add to the fact you don't seem ready to live with someone who had dog responsibilities and who goes to bed at different times, why are you even staying over so much? Tbh if you were a man people on here would be calling you a cocklodger 🤷‍♀️

You Say you want your life to be carefree and stress free. Which to you means spontaneity and no fixed routine. For your BF the way to keep his life free of stress and cares is to have a set routine.

Neither way of living is wrong. However IDK if two people who have such different approaches and don't appear willing to make changes to accommodate their partner will be happy making a life together. After all, if you can't agree when there's just 2 of you and some pets how are you going to be able to raise children amicably?

If a mature dog has grown up with a structure and a timetable, it would find it very distressing to have it altered. Most dogs like routine.

When I've had dogs from puppies, I've made sure they get walked, fed etc at varying times, so that there was no routine and they never fretted if it was (eg) 8.15 and they hadn't had their 8.00 walk.

It actually sounds to me like you and your DP have some fundamentally different attitudes that could be very difficult to resolve if you live together. When person A likes routine and structure and person B wants to do stuff on the spur of the moment, there's a real risk that either A gets stressed and unsettled by the lack of structure or B gets bored shitless.

I actually think it makes sense to move in so they can assess if they can live together or not and if not move on. I would say she gives it a year to see and don't make any serious commitments like buying a house together etc until they are such they can live together.

To me his actions suggest he isn't going to change so she either accept it or move on.

But aren’t you already used to his routine as you say you are practically living there anyway? Or are you wanting to change it?

@LondonFox my dog really doesn't need your fake pity 😂

He gets pretty much constant company, plenty of exercise, good food and is very happy without being restricted to an arbitrary human routine 🙄

When I've had dogs from puppies, I've made sure they get walked, fed etc at varying times, so that there was no routine and they never fretted if it was (eg) 8.15 and they hadn't had their 8.00 walk.

Be careful, someone will be along shortly to tell you you're a horrible dog owner 😉

I genuinely don't get the insistence that dogs have a set routine - life doesn't always work out that way and all it does is result in dogs who expect things to happen and get distressed when they don't.

Not to derail the thread. But I think just like “socialisation” routine means different things to different people. Some people interpret it incorrectly and that leads to issues. For me a dog’s routine means that things happen in a certain order each day- they get up, I get dressed, they go out for a walk and then they get fed. These things can happen in a window of a couple of hours- so they aren’t on a timetable and if things don’t happen at a set time they don’t get distressed but they also know not to nag for food because that comes after the next walk not before.

You’ll probably find you have something similar and don’t really notice because it just slots into life. Timetables I agree set you up for misery

@Haydenn we genuinely don't ☺️

Today, for example, he had his breakfast at 6am but didn't get his walk until 11am. Tomorrow he'll have his walk at 8.30am and will get his breakfast in "training" while we're out. Saturday he'll be out for his walk at 6am and will have his breakfast around 8am when DH goes to work.

It really depends on the day, what we're doing and what the weather is like. We're both self-employed so we can't have him on a set schedule or routine because our days just don't work like that. He's absolutely fine and never pesters for a meal or to go for a walk.

I work a routine job my dog does have a bit of a routine - because that's the way the day works out - and I've still never known him to pester for anything, even when something unusual happens the routine is upset. I've never known any of my dogs to and they will all have had some variation of a routine, because I have always had a routine kind of life.

My theory is that, because they learn when things tend to happen, they never need to pester and so just never get the practice to know it works. So it's just not a behaviour they know really.

But the OP was talking about dogs in flats and every dog I've know in a flat (except ground floor with graden) has become accostomed to needing the toilet at certain times of the day; just because it's a longer process to 'ask' to go out when you live in a flat. Which means they do not get as much practice at asking and so need the humans to remember to take them fairly regularly to avoid accidents.

This.

Am I the only one that finds this man's behaviour around his pets totally weird? I mean I had dogs for years and it would never occur to me to set my daily routine around them - obviously apart from walks and food, these do need to happen around set times.

But to go to bed at set times because it would interfere with a pet's routine? Hell no, you train your dogs to fit in with your lifestyle and not the other way round.

I have a feeling this man is telling you it's his way or the highway with him. Is he inflexible in other aspects of daily life as well? You may find that his established routine is way more important to him than creating a relationship, which in my opinion should be based on compromise.

Don't move in. Your lifestyles are too different. and you seem very unwilling to recognise that his lifestyle is equally valid to yours. It will only end in tears.