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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite stepmother

153 replies

HedgehogHighway · 17/04/2024 22:00

i don’t have a major issue with my stepmother but I’m not close to her and never have been. When we were kids there was never any effort to integrate us, ie no family days out or time spent together. I would visit my dad and my stepmother would be elsewhere, focusing on her children perhaps. Efforts weren’t made to be close to us at any point. Now for some reason, possibly because her children have grown up, moved away and are more distanced from her, there are attempts (by my dad) to integrate us. For example, she appeared unexpectedly at my sisters birthday meal recently when she has never previously come along to our birthday meals. We’ve never once been invited to my stepmothers birthday meal, assuming she has one. My dad formed a family unit with my stepmother and her children. Me and my sister would visit my dad, but weren’t integrated into a cohesive family unit.

I have recently moved to a new house with my partner and would like to invite my dad over to visit, and to stay for food. Would it be unreasonable to invite him and not my stepmother, as I would feel more comfortable with just my dad in my house?

If the tables were turned I would like my partner to come along with me to my dad’s house so I suspect I am being unreasonable. It was a lot easier when there was acceptance of distance, but recently my dad wants us to all be closer and wants to include her. I find my stepmother a bit judgy and not very chill to be around. So it makes me hesitant to invite my dad over as a consequence as my home is my safe place.

YABU - she is your father’s wife so you need to accept her presence when you invite your dad over for dinner.

YANBU - he’s your dad and it’s fair enough to request his presence without his wife needing to come along.

fwiw I do also see my dad separately, for example we will go for a coffee or quick lunch once a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
HedgehogHighway · 18/04/2024 13:24

Floofydawg · 18/04/2024 10:27

I'm willing to bet that the SM did OP's washing, cooked meals for her etc. Not saying OP should be forever grateful but there's a lot of stuff that SMs do for their partner's kids which flies under the radar and doesn't really get any thanks/appreciation.

I can't claim to treat my stepkids as my own - I know that I don't. Our family isn't really totally blended in the way that some people talk about blended families as my own kids are very different from my stepkids and in those circumstances it's very difficult to do 'family activities' together. We have done stuff like that in the past but now that my kids have left home I tend to leave DH to it when his youngest is still here - that's their quality time. But no doubt I'd be criticised for not 'doing family stuff.'

I don’t think so. I was expected to wash my own clothes from age 12 and my dad did the cooking etc. Also I moved out of my dad’s house when she and step kids moved in as there really wasn’t space for all of us and I didn’t feel comfortable there anymore. She wasn’t cooking or cleaning for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
HedgehogHighway · 18/04/2024 13:28

Gettingonmygoat · 18/04/2024 10:58

Do you know why she had little contact with you, have you asked your father why ? There may be a good reason. My friend was not allowed to be a step dad by his wife ex husband The ex was adamant that he would take the children back to his own country if my friend played any part in his children's life. You need to find out the reason before you make a decision.

That’s a good point, thank you, I should ask him about this.

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 18/04/2024 13:30

HedgehogHighway · 18/04/2024 13:24

I don’t think so. I was expected to wash my own clothes from age 12 and my dad did the cooking etc. Also I moved out of my dad’s house when she and step kids moved in as there really wasn’t space for all of us and I didn’t feel comfortable there anymore. She wasn’t cooking or cleaning for me.

Show quote history

Fair enough, that's not the case in our house so am just speaking from experience.

CantDealwithChristmas · 18/04/2024 13:52

StormingNorman · 18/04/2024 11:03

The will was only mentioned in response to another poster mentioning the will in their situation. It was an empathetic response not a point the OP was making. I think it’s a red herring.

The OP is enjoying a relationship with her father and isn’t sure if she wants to open that up to include her step mum because they never got on. If both women are happy with their relationship, it doesn’t need to change because it suits dad.

It’s also worth mentioning that feelings are subjective by nature, and that doesn’t make them any less valid.

Edited
Show quote history

Eh, I'm not on board with the 'feelings are valid' fad, since it goes against everything else we know about psychology and neurological development. Something is valid if it has a basis in logic or fact. Feelings can be swayed by all kinds of things: tiredness, hunger, time of the month, alcohol, sugar, stress, a long commute, the weather, a 10k run, financial worry, whether or not it's your birthday, whether or not you opened your bowels that morning.

More importantly, they're transitory. Which is why counsellors and therapists often tell us to 'acknowledge your feelings then let them pass'. That last bit is important. Children often feel a certain way about people in their lives (Kevin the teenager: I HATE you mum!) and gradually their feelings evolve as they grow older and start to see things in a different light. That's healthy. Deciding a random feeling is 'valid' and allowing it to ossify forever is unhealthy.

So yeah I think it may be helpful for OP to analyse her feelings about her SM, since they clearly operate on several different levels and some of them are still be seen through the perception of a child (the child's fear and disgust at seeing her father kiss a woman who is not her mother on the sofa for example). By analysing these feelings she may be able to let go of some of the more painful ones. This will probably make her life significantly easier, regardless of whetehr or not she eventually decides to exclude her dad's life partner from family gatherings.

StormingNorman · 18/04/2024 13:58

CantDealwithChristmas · 18/04/2024 13:52

Eh, I'm not on board with the 'feelings are valid' fad, since it goes against everything else we know about psychology and neurological development. Something is valid if it has a basis in logic or fact. Feelings can be swayed by all kinds of things: tiredness, hunger, time of the month, alcohol, sugar, stress, a long commute, the weather, a 10k run, financial worry, whether or not it's your birthday, whether or not you opened your bowels that morning.

More importantly, they're transitory. Which is why counsellors and therapists often tell us to 'acknowledge your feelings then let them pass'. That last bit is important. Children often feel a certain way about people in their lives (Kevin the teenager: I HATE you mum!) and gradually their feelings evolve as they grow older and start to see things in a different light. That's healthy. Deciding a random feeling is 'valid' and allowing it to ossify forever is unhealthy.

So yeah I think it may be helpful for OP to analyse her feelings about her SM, since they clearly operate on several different levels and some of them are still be seen through the perception of a child (the child's fear and disgust at seeing her father kiss a woman who is not her mother on the sofa for example). By analysing these feelings she may be able to let go of some of the more painful ones. This will probably make her life significantly easier, regardless of whetehr or not she eventually decides to exclude her dad's life partner from family gatherings.

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Have you read the OP’s posts about how she was treated? Her feelings are valid.

Calliopespa · 18/04/2024 14:37

CantDealwithChristmas · 18/04/2024 10:48

I genuinely mean it as a valid question. Because OP's resentment against her SM seem unfocussed. Which means that some of the things she mentions without prompting, and seemingly in passing - like the will - are relevant to her.

OP didn't have to mention the will as her original post was about her SM's percieved attidude, not money. So the fact that she brought up the will, out of context, means that it is important to her and to the overall sense of resentment.

At the moment there seem to be three discrete sources of resentment. One is that SM was cold to her (although not outright cruel) - this is fairly vague and couched in highly subhective terms.

The second is that she currently finds her SM 'judgy' and 'not chill' - again, vague and highly subjective

And the third is the will which is definite and factual

So to aid OP is sorting out her own feelings, I'm encouraging her to examine what is bothering her the most about her SM.

Analysing feelings in this way can be extremely helpful. If OP doesn't think it'll be helpful, she doesn't have to do it - this is the internet not a DBT session.

Show quote history

“Unfocused “?! She was left out if family holidays.

There is an enormous amount of dismissing OP’s feelings on this thread as unfounded. Yet the facts sound to me as though she has ample basis .

lap90 · 18/04/2024 14:54

I really wouldn't bother in the same way she hasn't seemed to bother with you as a child.
Although she may turn up anyway.

Original poster
HedgehogHighway · 18/04/2024 15:03

Quitelikeit · 18/04/2024 12:33

Op

Surely you know who is more dominant in this relationship?

Is it her or him? Who was the driver and influencer of excluding you and your sister as kids?

Generally I would say she is more dominant and my dad is a bit of a pushover and a people pleaser. My dad’s always been active with cooking and housework but she’s banned him from the kitchen stating he can’t cook which I think is unfair as he’s actually a really good cook. When my sister was struggling with my nephew over lockdown my dad would cycle to visit her but keep it secret from her as she didn’t agree with it (this was when visits were allowed btw but she was still nervous of covid).

I think she was active in assuring the family set up for her children, for example i remember her having a word with me when I was confused and questioned her children referring to my grandparents as their grandparents. it was her that told me off not my dad.

My dad just did stuff with me and my sister separately, he just lacked the drive or the idea of doing otherwise. He took me and my sister on holiday once, just us. Which was absolutely fine. I don’t think I was really aware that he was having family holidays with them, it wasn’t really mentioned, but I’ve seen photos since then.

Neither are cruel or bad as others have said. It was more just disengagement. Like it just didn’t occur to them to include us in certain things.

OP posts:
CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 18/04/2024 15:06

You really need to talk to your father and work this out.

StaunchMomma · 18/04/2024 15:11

I agree that you need to have a chat with Dad.

He needs to understand that you don't want the playbook to change, and you DO get a say in that.

If he pushes back, you have countless examples of times you were held at length over the years. Just tell him you accepted his boundaries then and you expect him to accept yours now.

There is absolutely no good reason to facilitate a relationship after all these years, OP.

Calliopespa · 18/04/2024 15:21

StaunchMomma · 18/04/2024 15:11

I agree that you need to have a chat with Dad.

He needs to understand that you don't want the playbook to change, and you DO get a say in that.

If he pushes back, you have countless examples of times you were held at length over the years. Just tell him you accepted his boundaries then and you expect him to accept yours now.

There is absolutely no good reason to facilitate a relationship after all these years, OP.

I agree that last comment: there really is no good reason OP. The only reason is it now suits them - or so it would seem. Follow their lead and do what suits you best. It’s your home.

Prydddan · 18/04/2024 15:46

StaunchMomma · 18/04/2024 15:11

I agree that you need to have a chat with Dad.

He needs to understand that you don't want the playbook to change, and you DO get a say in that.

If he pushes back, you have countless examples of times you were held at length over the years. Just tell him you accepted his boundaries then and you expect him to accept yours now.

There is absolutely no good reason to facilitate a relationship after all these years, OP.

I agree with everyone who says the OP has the right to state that she doesn't want the playbook to change now, and I understand fully while the OP feels the way she does.

One additional thing to throw in the mix. The OP needs to bear in mind that her SM is the OP's next of kin; and, if the OP's dad starts to fail health-wise, the SM could become his gatekeeper.

StormingNorman · 18/04/2024 15:51

Prydddan · 18/04/2024 15:46

I agree with everyone who says the OP has the right to state that she doesn't want the playbook to change now, and I understand fully while the OP feels the way she does.

One additional thing to throw in the mix. The OP needs to bear in mind that her SM is the OP's next of kin; and, if the OP's dad starts to fail health-wise, the SM could become his gatekeeper.

Show quote history

Playing nice with this woman won’t make any difference. She wants her SDs not to exist. Not in her home. Not on her holidays. Not in her wedding photos. Not in their father’s life. She’ll play the gatekeeper card for all it’s worth and nothing the SDs can do will change that.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/04/2024 17:08

@HedgehogHighway

I think I'd sit my dad down and tell him that if he wants to change the longstanding dynamic of excluding you and your siblings from his life with his wife, then it's up to the two of them to do it in their own home and at their invitation, not by showing up to family events arranged by you or your siblings with her in tow. Tell him that he and your stepmum (if she's even really interested in changing things) can start by asking you and your siblings to meals or for coffee and cake separately to try and build a more inclusive relationship, one sibling at a time. Then each of the siblings can decide what level of 'new closeness' they want to have, if any at all.

And I'd definitely do all this before next Christmas so a 'status quo' will hopefully be in place by then!

Boomer55 · 18/04/2024 17:16

Prydddan · 18/04/2024 15:46

I agree with everyone who says the OP has the right to state that she doesn't want the playbook to change now, and I understand fully while the OP feels the way she does.

One additional thing to throw in the mix. The OP needs to bear in mind that her SM is the OP's next of kin; and, if the OP's dad starts to fail health-wise, the SM could become his gatekeeper.

Show quote history

She could also be his carer, and save the family a lot of work and aggravation.😗

Sameratdifferenthat · 18/04/2024 17:23

I'd tell your dad to get stuffed with his assumption that you should all play at being one big happy family just because he's decided it must happen. It seems to me that you & your sister were massively excluded from his new life for decades. He doesn't get to tell you how it's going to be now.

Prydddan · 18/04/2024 18:39

StormingNorman · 18/04/2024 15:51

Playing nice with this woman won’t make any difference. She wants her SDs not to exist. Not in her home. Not on her holidays. Not in her wedding photos. Not in their father’s life. She’ll play the gatekeeper card for all it’s worth and nothing the SDs can do will change that.

Show quote history

Agree. I would add that it has suited the OP's dad all this time to keep the OP at a distance from his second family too, though. As in, it was his choice as well as the SM's.

The point I was trying to make with my last post was, not that the OP should play nice for the reward of future access should her dad fall ill in a way that gatekeeping might become a thing; but that gatekeeping is likely to become a thing, and VERY likely if the OP disrespects her SM by "banning" her rather than by negotiating access to her dad's time without any dissing.OP needs to prepare for the next phase of exclusion.

It sounds like SM is up for keeping the status quo, so this should be pushing on an open door, unless dad decides he wants his way.

I wonder what the fallout between SM and her daughter was about, and how much it has to do with keeping the OP's dad in his box.

AutumnFroglets · 18/04/2024 22:19

Neither are cruel or bad as others have said. It was more just disengagement. Like it just didn’t occur to them to include us in certain things.
Him OP, him not them. Your father did not step up as a parent so you have decided to blame her for it all, despite all the evidence saying otherwise. You can't even admit it was him bullying the SM to go to your sister's dinner. SHE did not want to go, your father stated he made her and yet you are still blaming her.

Good grief.

Original poster
HedgehogHighway · 18/04/2024 22:26

I’m not blaming her but they are a couple, presumably they made decisions together about how to spend their time.

You can't even admit it was him bullying the SM to go to your sister's dinner. SHE did not want to go, your father stated he made her and yet you are still blaming her.

what do you mean I “can’t even admit”, you’ve just repeated what I wrote. I think you might be projecting something above and beyond what I’ve actually written.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 19/04/2024 09:15

AutumnFroglets · 18/04/2024 22:19

Neither are cruel or bad as others have said. It was more just disengagement. Like it just didn’t occur to them to include us in certain things.
Him OP, him not them. Your father did not step up as a parent so you have decided to blame her for it all, despite all the evidence saying otherwise. You can't even admit it was him bullying the SM to go to your sister's dinner. SHE did not want to go, your father stated he made her and yet you are still blaming her.

Good grief.

Both are to blame here for the current situation. If you’ve read the OPs post, you will see that the SM had a large role to play in events that happened whilst they were growing up. SM just didn’t make it easy for OPs DF to facilitate any kind of family inclusion.

DeathNote11 · 19/04/2024 09:28

You're perfectly reasonable to do whatever you like but are you sure the historical no integration was all due to your step mum? Your dad could have invited you to their wedding & done more in general to include you. Doesn't seem fair vilifying step mum & completely letting your dad off the hook. He was a grown man back then & could/should have advocated for you. Both as responsible as each other IMO.

GoodHeavens99 · 19/04/2024 09:30

DeathNote11 · 19/04/2024 09:28

You're perfectly reasonable to do whatever you like but are you sure the historical no integration was all due to your step mum? Your dad could have invited you to their wedding & done more in general to include you. Doesn't seem fair vilifying step mum & completely letting your dad off the hook. He was a grown man back then & could/should have advocated for you. Both as responsible as each other IMO.

Definitely.

The OP's Dad has to shoulder a lot of the blame here.
But i'm sure (emotionally) it's much easier to blame her stepmother.

GKD · 19/04/2024 10:21

HedgehogHighway · 18/04/2024 08:40

Yes it’s on my dad. I haven’t said otherwise. I think he doesn’t want my SM to feel left out, possibly because one of her children is now no longer speaking to her and the other has moved to the other side of the country. But that’s just a guess.

That’s a her/they problem.

They didn’t give a shit about your feelings when you were a CHILD, why should you are now?

Yes it’s on your dad but get how your love for him is more important than someone else’s mum…

Calliopespa · 19/04/2024 10:29

DeathNote11 · 19/04/2024 09:28

You're perfectly reasonable to do whatever you like but are you sure the historical no integration was all due to your step mum? Your dad could have invited you to their wedding & done more in general to include you. Doesn't seem fair vilifying step mum & completely letting your dad off the hook. He was a grown man back then & could/should have advocated for you. Both as responsible as each other IMO.

She’s not really letting her DF off the hook.

As I understand it, DF is now wanting his wife included in his former family but OP is telling him too bad what he wants.

Op does, however, have a tangible blood connection to her DF. It’s natural she might make more concessions to spending time with him.

Original poster
HedgehogHighway · 19/04/2024 12:34

I don’t understand the comments regarding who is to blame or suggesting that I am vilifying SM for what happened. I’m trying to explain that we’re not close and I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be close to 99.99% of people on the planet, it doesn’t mean they’re villains because I don’t want them in my home.

OP posts:
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