To not invite stepmother

[HedgehogHighway]

i don’t have a major issue with my stepmother but I’m not close to her and never have been. When we were kids there was never any effort to integrate us, ie no family days out or time spent together. I would visit my dad and my stepmother would be elsewhere, focusing on her children perhaps. Efforts weren’t made to be close to us at any point. Now for some reason, possibly because her children have grown up, moved away and are more distanced from her, there are attempts (by my dad) to integrate us. For example, she appeared unexpectedly at my sisters birthday meal recently when she has never previously come along to our birthday meals. We’ve never once been invited to my stepmothers birthday meal, assuming she has one. My dad formed a family unit with my stepmother and her children. Me and my sister would visit my dad, but weren’t integrated into a cohesive family unit.

I have recently moved to a new house with my partner and would like to invite my dad over to visit, and to stay for food. Would it be unreasonable to invite him and not my stepmother, as I would feel more comfortable with just my dad in my house?

If the tables were turned I would like my partner to come along with me to my dad’s house so I suspect I am being unreasonable. It was a lot easier when there was acceptance of distance, but recently my dad wants us to all be closer and wants to include her. I find my stepmother a bit judgy and not very chill to be around. So it makes me hesitant to invite my dad over as a consequence as my home is my safe place.

YABU - she is your father’s wife so you need to accept her presence when you invite your dad over for dinner.

YANBU - he’s your dad and it’s fair enough to request his presence without his wife needing to come along.

fwiw I do also see my dad separately, for example we will go for a coffee or quick lunch once a month.

What was it like when she turned up for your sisters birthday meal ?

I can see why you don't feel like including her but if your Dad is now keen and you want a relationship with him I'd be tempted to be grown up and invite them to say lunch or Sunday roast or whatever you prefer and perhaps it will go well - maybe invite four sister and her partner/husband as well depending on what you prefer. If your Stepmum is rude or judgmental then ongoing it's your Dad only

I'm glad you and others have pointed out the real problem here.

I am puzzled why you bother speaking to your dad at all as he clearly doesn't care for you and your sister.

He chose a life partner who doesn't like his children.

He chose to act inappropriately with that life partner with his child in the room.

He chose to not take his own two children on holiday or days out with him.

Your dad had a duty as a father to ensure his wife was kind to you as a child because you were a child. While he can't control her actions, he could and can control who he chooses as a life partner.

Life changes for everyone. You aren't a child now so can create a different relationship with people. I got a step mum and have so much respect for her now to have to deal with teenage step kids but now I realise she did her best and I love her to bits becaue she tried so hard. Growing up means you value other peoples views and differences. And you can make the change if you're unhappy- don't whine- choose friends/situations/ anything really that makes you smile and feel good x

I don't think you and your partner being together is a reasonable comparison to your dad and his wife, because (presumably!) your partner has never attempted to exclude your dad from your family/home, whereas your stepmother (by choice or by your father's choice) has excluded you from their family unit.

I think for the sake of letting the past go, for your benefit as much as theirs, it's generous and polite to include your stepmother in birthday dinners, trips out, that sort of thing.

But I also think it's very reasonable to invite your father alone to stay over in your home - a more personal and close setting - where you would be expecting to have some family bonding.

Stepmothers just can't win on here, can they, and this thread and the many posters joining in the bashing are a prime example.

When we were kids there was never any effort to integrate us, ie no family days out or time spent together. I would visit my dad and my stepmother would be elsewhere, focusing on her children perhaps.

So OP you got to that time to spend with your dad, exclusively. Has it never occurred to you that that was also time (EOW?) your stepmother didn't get to spend with her husband? And yet whenever a SM comes on here about wanting more joint family time she is told she is wrong and selfish because "you knew he had children when you got together" and those children must always come first- even before joint children of the marriage. Your SM gave you that time with your dad, just like the anti-SM crowd always clamours for, and now she's being vilified for that. FFS.

You claim you wanted time as a family and to be accepted. Fine. If you're completely honest - would you also have accepted being parented, and hence occasionally told off, by your SM? or were you more after a princess type of role where you would have been catered to, but never had to give anything in return? Your post here doesn't give the impression you're trying to see things from the other side. Maybe spend some time on the stepparenting forum here to gain some appreciation for the impossible bind women like your SM are placed in.

I'd be tempted to be honest.

I was never included
I wasn't invited to your wedding
I was never involved in your family life holidays etc
I didn't visit one of your houses

Because of this I don't have relationship with your wife and I have no desire to start now.

What we have here is a classic case of step mother blame when in fact it’s the father who’s to blame!
To put it bluntly, 2 parents split up, father moves in with another woman at some point and everyone expects her to be a second mother to his children. Why? She ISNT their mother, she’s their father’s wife. Maybe she didn’t want to overstep the boundaries or tread on the actual mother’s toes? It was the father’s job to bring the families together, not his wife’s. And yet she’s getting blamed when things don’t turn out perfect.

Agree with this 100%.

Yeah I'd do that

SM didn’t worry about the effect excluding Dad’s DD would have on him or family harmony. Nobody worried about hurting anyone or things being awkward.

Family harmony is another of those lines people trot out to SC to tell them to be ok with being treated like a second class citizen in their own family.

OP doesn’t owe anyone anything and as an adult she can choose who she wants a relationship with.

This is a good point! ⬆️ Why is all.your resentment directed at her? He was/is a fully functioning adult & your dad - he should have put you first.

It doesn't sound as if your SM tried to keep herself from you as such.

Rather your dad didn't invite you to his wedding.

Your dad didn't invite you on his family holidays.

He made no effort to include you in their life

Whilst I get you have real relationship with her. I think you need to take a closer look at exactly who created that and whether her coming along with your dad now really is a big deal - as you say - you'd want your partner with you.

Not at ALL unreasonable. Fuck that shit!

Have you considered that perhaps your SM did other things when you were there so you could have 1-1 time with your dad? That's why you go between parents to spend time with them. Speak to your dad and tell him how you feel, so far you only have your perspective and it may be she wasn't interested or it maybe something you are unaware of.

I agree with @AutumnFroglets.
I can see why you feel the way you do and don’t ask her if you don’t want to but the blame is not all on her.

So why is there any responsibility to the SM now?
@HedgehogHighway sorry to be rude, but what are people's ages and locations? I'd be worried if you're close they are setting you up for a caring role!

Agree thirty trillion per cent 💐

I can see your POV and have a lot of sympathy with it, as my SM was openly hostile to me and my sibling when we were growing up. It's really up to you, but I think I'd do whatever made my Dad feel most comfortable.

I made a decision many years ago, once I was an adult with my own life, that I wouldn't be the bitch that she was to me. That two wrongs don't make a right and that actually, the toxic situation with SM was harming ME (like the old chestnut about drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person). So for my own peace of mind and self-preservation I decided to take the high road and that has turned out to be the right decision and helped me and my dad to build a much closer bond. So I'd just say, make the decision that makes you feel happiest and if that's her not being invited, so be it.

OP you are allowed to rebuild a relationship with your father, who I’m sure you already know is partly to blame, without needing to invite your SM everywhere.

As a SC you are expected to absorb whatever is thrown at you, learn from the SM playbook on setting boundaries and family integration:

• Bio relationships are different and you can’t be expected to love or treat step-relations the same.

• SM has her own kids and her own family - they can invite her to lunch. She doesn’t need to involved in everything you do with your family.

• You don’t need to tolerate being made to feel uncomfortable in your own house.

• I’m sure she doesn’t want to be invited anyway.

👏this absolutely! I don't think I would bother with either of them.

Why? I mean that would be stupid wouldn't it? The reason people need to consistently tell stepmothers that stepchildren are not their responsibility is because far too much is expected of them.
This is totally different isn't it? Both the OP's father and stepmother made a choice not to include the OP in anything. It's disgraceful but it's totally different to what we normally see. Where a father tries convincing a woman that she is equally responsible for his and another woman's children.
I get that you despise stepmothers but surely your not daft enough to not see the difference here?

OP, just invite your father. You owe the woman nothing. You owe your father nothing. If he says no then that's sad but do not be uncomfortable in your own home.

There isn't any responsibility to the SM now. OP owes her nothing. I just feel like her reasons for not inviting her are actually the dads fault. The SM is being blamed for the actions of her husband.

I have a feeling the SM probably chose to take a step back when the kids were younger possibly because she didn't want all the responsibility of parenting to fall on her which is often what happens. She had her own children to care for as well so she stepped back and allowed her husband to parent his own children. She went out so they had 1:1 time or simply to avoid having to pick up after her DHs kids because he didn't.

Now that OP is older and there is no requirement to actively parent, the SM is happy to be more involved.

Obviously none of us know exactly what went on and the reasons the SM wasn't involved and now wants to be. Although is it even her who wants to be involved or is it the dad wanting it? Ultimately he was responsible for the relationship his wife had with his children. It was his responsibility to ensure his kids were included in family holidays and occasions and felt like part of his family unit. He made no effort to do that. Why should the step-parent care more about that when the biological parent doesn't? Why is the step-parent held to a higher expectation than the biological parent?

This is a lot to unpick OP. And I am so sorry you were treated like that as a child / young adult. Have you / would you have any counselling? Can you talk to your Dad how you feel?

You could invite your dad and be prepared that step mum might turn up.

I really do empathise. The hardest bit about my blended family is DPs parents cold indifference to my children (and even towards our shared child to an extent). We do spend less time with them as a natural consequence… My family are warm and welcoming and when all together treat us all the same!

I agree that it’s really noticeable how you’ve totally stripped your dad of any responsibility and even agency in your account. Right down to using the passive voice - why?

• there was never any effort to integrate us
• Efforts weren’t made

Its also clear than you don’t have the full picture of what’s going on, so you’ve done what many former SC do (I know because I did the same) and decided she must be the one at fault:

• focusing on her children perhaps
• Now for some reason, possibly because her children have grown up
• assuming she has one

The details you so provide pretty clearly demonstrate that you should be blaming your dad - but it will be easier to blame the SM.

You don’t have to like your SM or want a relationship with her. But it is abundantly clear that you are holding your SM responsible for your father’s choices in various ways.

How old were you when your dad moved in with your SM? It sounds like you were on the older rather than younger side, not least as some of your complaints relate to when you were at university or travelling abroad.

Genuinely, and I don’t mean this snarkily, I think it would be a good idea to talk this stuff through with a counsellor so you can sort through your feelings better. That doesn’t mean you will decide that you want a relationship with your SM; it is just something that will help you.