To not invite stepmother

[HedgehogHighway]

i don’t have a major issue with my stepmother but I’m not close to her and never have been. When we were kids there was never any effort to integrate us, ie no family days out or time spent together. I would visit my dad and my stepmother would be elsewhere, focusing on her children perhaps. Efforts weren’t made to be close to us at any point. Now for some reason, possibly because her children have grown up, moved away and are more distanced from her, there are attempts (by my dad) to integrate us. For example, she appeared unexpectedly at my sisters birthday meal recently when she has never previously come along to our birthday meals. We’ve never once been invited to my stepmothers birthday meal, assuming she has one. My dad formed a family unit with my stepmother and her children. Me and my sister would visit my dad, but weren’t integrated into a cohesive family unit.

I have recently moved to a new house with my partner and would like to invite my dad over to visit, and to stay for food. Would it be unreasonable to invite him and not my stepmother, as I would feel more comfortable with just my dad in my house?

If the tables were turned I would like my partner to come along with me to my dad’s house so I suspect I am being unreasonable. It was a lot easier when there was acceptance of distance, but recently my dad wants us to all be closer and wants to include her. I find my stepmother a bit judgy and not very chill to be around. So it makes me hesitant to invite my dad over as a consequence as my home is my safe place.

YABU - she is your father’s wife so you need to accept her presence when you invite your dad over for dinner.

YANBU - he’s your dad and it’s fair enough to request his presence without his wife needing to come along.

fwiw I do also see my dad separately, for example we will go for a coffee or quick lunch once a month.

Yes it’s on my dad. I haven’t said otherwise. I think he doesn’t want my SM to feel left out, possibly because one of her children is now no longer speaking to her and the other has moved to the other side of the country. But that’s just a guess.

Men can be really blo0dy spineless, including Dads (as yours has proven in spades). It’s false to be all friendly with her but she is his partner. If they come round just direct questions and conversation to your Dad. Are you close enough that you could speak to him about your discomfort? Could you even cheerfully say ‘it’s so nice to have you here after all those birthdays we never saw you for’

It doesn’t matter what his reasoning is though - although given she didn’t want to go to the birthday dinner, I suspect she does not feel ‘left out’.

You don’t need to invite her. It doesn’t sound like she in any way expects you to.

just tell your dad that he’s being ridiculous and to stop forcing his wife into coming to events she isn’t invited to.

Yes I think you’re right thank you.

There is this. I think it is kind of your dad’s fault as he had the primary responsibility for you.

That said, he’s going to be the one not getting to bring his partner so I guess that’s ok.

It's not your responsibility to compensate his wife for the fact that her own children aren't so present in her life!

I think when you were young, there should have been balance - no one is saying your sm should have been like a parent, but you ought to have had some inclusion in their family life. Since this didn't happen, your dad is way out of line trying to force the relationship now. This is once again all about what he wants and not what's good for you!

I'd go with honesty if this was me. I'd say to my dad that I bear her no ill will, but have no historical relationship with sm, due to the choices that they both made and no desire to start one now.

He could like it or lump it, but I definitely wouldn't be a support human in their old age because her kids CBA and this is easier for him!

Invite who you want to invite. Maybe I'm just too old/been through too much to be doing something/inviting people that I don't want to just because some people think I should.

@HedgehogHighway YANBU at all.

Your dad and stepmother laid their bed as it suited, so you’re not obliged to entertain her now she has nothing else to occupy her.

Your dad also facilitated this nonsense, so remind him if needed that you don’t have a relationship with her, and this is something he was comfortable with for all that time.

As MN always advises, you don’t owe her a relationship, entertainment or anything else at this point. She has her own children that she invested all her time and effort into.

It’s amazing the general hostility here just because this woman is a stepmum.

There is no evidence that the stepmum is expecting anything here. @HedgehogHighway has quite clearly said it’s driven by her father. The SM didn’t even want to attend the birthday she wasn’t invited to.

but still on MN people are desperate to make this a nasty SM gets her comeuppance tale. When in reality it looks like her children have grown up and her husband has now decided that she must use her time to do what he wants.

Everyone, including the OP, was totally fine with the fairly neutral and distant relationship growing up. But now a man has decided that he would feel happier if everyone played happy families around him and so many people are desperate to find a woman to be in the wrong.

Neither the OP nor the SM are unreasonable here. It sounds like they’d have just peacefully coexisted for the foreseeable future, neither looking to be more involved. The father is being unreasonable. As with so many of these things it’s all focused around his needs and blaming the women for it. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Gently, you might be projecting a little bit. Nobody is being hostile towards the SM. Just saying that there is no reason for OP to change the relationship now unless OP wishes to extend that offer.

Everybody is agreeing it’s not for dad to decide what relationship the two women have. The only people saying the op SHOULD force a closeness are the people defending the SM.

Why on Earth do you think I “despise stepmothers”? What a melodramatic and exaggerated statement.

Yes a lot is expected of women but in these threads stepmothers are being told that taking no interest whatsoever in their SC is fine.

Call me old fashioned but the feelings of a child - who will highly likely to either be in a situation where they are upset by their parent’s split or the changing circumstances with their parents - is far more important than the politics of a couple’s relationship.

If you don’t take an interest in someone don’t expect them to welcome you into their home.

It might rock the boat but if I was you I'd invite your dad and if he asks if SM can come or if she turns up then I'd speak to your dad about how you're feeling. Explain that he can't just change the rules, how his relationship has been over the years and put it on him to take accountability for his own actions.

People ARE being hostile about the SM.

Your dad and stepmother laid their bed as it suited, so you’re not obliged to entertain her now she has nothing else to occupy her.

It's not your responsibility to compensate his wife for the fact that her own children aren't so present in her life!

You reap what you sow; she made no effort when you were a child, you aren't obliged to make an effort as an adult

I am going to save this thread and post every time if I see any comments like that to show people what happens when you’re a shitty step parent

and so on. all pretty hostile comments, which place the blame on the SM another for not being very involved in the past and for driving the change now.

There is no reason to assume that the SM is not perfectly happy with the bed she’s made, or that she’s looking for ‘compensation’ etc.

even you are framing the argument as ‘ SHE shouldn’t force a relationship’. But it sounds like HE is the one trying to force things.

For all we know the SM’s side of the story is: AIBU for not wanting to attend family events with my husband, complete with a tale of how embarrassed she was that she insisted that she came uninvited to his daughter’s birthday party.

I think it’s obvious you don’t want a closer relationship with your stepmother, and that’s your perfectly valid choice.

Therefore I don’t think you need to invite her. If there is pushback from your dad you can review the situation. If you invite her, you are setting a precedent for all future meetings.

My ex regularly had dad and daughter days when she was younger. Now he has a girlfriend I think my Dd will prefer to keep these days going, rather than including his girlfriend always.

Your dad may come to realise he will see more of you if his wife isn’t always there.

She was a stepmum who decided not to be involved in her SC lives even when they were children and the expectation that she is to be welcomed with open arms is not fair.

Shes isn’t being bashed ‘just because she’s a stepmum’ she’s being bashed because she’s a prick. Who just happens to be a stepmum

And apparently there’s no hostility. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’ve totally missed my point. There is simply no evidence that the SM either wants or expects to be welcomed with open arms here. Her husband has decided that she should be invited - even the OP’s account of the birthday shows that it wasn’t the SM who was desperate to attend.

THIS!!

Also place a huge amount of blame at your pathetic father. Treated you second class and then now suddenly wants to play happy families. I don't know why you would even bother with him to be honest. You don't owe him anything, it's the other way around.

Why do you need to go over to theirs? Just keep the invites or visits at your place then it cuts out the issuer of your dh being invited.

Invite him over, make no mention of her and if he wants to come then he does. Pathetic that they NOW want to play happy families but when you were a child and it mattered the most, they treated you badly.

I think it is tricky, I don't think you owe her an invitation, I think you are absolutely entitled to feel your home is your safe place but then I think your dad is also entitled to be disappointed.

I suppose what I'm thinking is there isn't a "right" answer to this one but the previous idea of a "spontaneous" lunch is probably the best idea.

OP I just wanted to add that I think you seem like a lovely kind person as your dad has let you down over the years and your stepmother didn't make an effort but you are trying so hard to do the right thing for everyone. Just don't forget you in that.

You are not being unreasonable BUT it's quite petty and as an adult we rise above these things. Invite him, if she wants to come i would do the right thing and host her, new beginnings. I suspect it was pretty complicated when you were kids and you don't know what went on behind the scenes, it could have been your mother insisting she didn't spend time with you, happens all the time on Mumsnet.

I'm willing to bet that the SM did OP's washing, cooked meals for her etc. Not saying OP should be forever grateful but there's a lot of stuff that SMs do for their partner's kids which flies under the radar and doesn't really get any thanks/appreciation.

I can't claim to treat my stepkids as my own - I know that I don't. Our family isn't really totally blended in the way that some people talk about blended families as my own kids are very different from my stepkids and in those circumstances it's very difficult to do 'family activities' together. We have done stuff like that in the past but now that my kids have left home I tend to leave DH to it when his youngest is still here - that's their quality time. But no doubt I'd be criticised for not 'doing family stuff.'

I don’t think the OP is being petty at all. She’d just like to continue with the well established pattern of relationships - that’s totally fine and not petty.

FWIW, I would not invite her, but make it clear to your DF.
Otherwise, there's a risk he will bring her with him.

Invite her.

How much of your resentment against your SM is driven by your perception that she was a bit cold when you were a kid and how much is driven by your concern that you might be left out of your dad's will?