To not invite stepmother

[HedgehogHighway]

i don’t have a major issue with my stepmother but I’m not close to her and never have been. When we were kids there was never any effort to integrate us, ie no family days out or time spent together. I would visit my dad and my stepmother would be elsewhere, focusing on her children perhaps. Efforts weren’t made to be close to us at any point. Now for some reason, possibly because her children have grown up, moved away and are more distanced from her, there are attempts (by my dad) to integrate us. For example, she appeared unexpectedly at my sisters birthday meal recently when she has never previously come along to our birthday meals. We’ve never once been invited to my stepmothers birthday meal, assuming she has one. My dad formed a family unit with my stepmother and her children. Me and my sister would visit my dad, but weren’t integrated into a cohesive family unit.

I have recently moved to a new house with my partner and would like to invite my dad over to visit, and to stay for food. Would it be unreasonable to invite him and not my stepmother, as I would feel more comfortable with just my dad in my house?

If the tables were turned I would like my partner to come along with me to my dad’s house so I suspect I am being unreasonable. It was a lot easier when there was acceptance of distance, but recently my dad wants us to all be closer and wants to include her. I find my stepmother a bit judgy and not very chill to be around. So it makes me hesitant to invite my dad over as a consequence as my home is my safe place.

YABU - she is your father’s wife so you need to accept her presence when you invite your dad over for dinner.

YANBU - he’s your dad and it’s fair enough to request his presence without his wife needing to come along.

fwiw I do also see my dad separately, for example we will go for a coffee or quick lunch once a month.

So he was a sh!t dad.

My ex was a similarly sh!t dad. Now that he is getting old, approaching retirement age and no hobbies or friends, he's wanting to muscle in on the family thing with them to give himself something to do and to kid himself he did OK.

But it's all her fault.....

Talk to your dad, give him a few examples of how you were not included in his new family unit and ask him why he feels the need to change the dynamic now.

I think this is really harsh

Your father was a rubbish parent, excluding you and your sister while he played happy families with his new wife. Now that he's retired and there's no parenting work to be done, it sounds like he'd like to be 'closer' (ie. entertained).

I'm not sure why you let him off the hook so easily for his bad behaviour. He was no better than your step mother.

I genuinely mean it as a valid question. Because OP's resentment against her SM seem unfocussed. Which means that some of the things she mentions without prompting, and seemingly in passing - like the will - are relevant to her.

OP didn't have to mention the will as her original post was about her SM's percieved attidude, not money. So the fact that she brought up the will, out of context, means that it is important to her and to the overall sense of resentment.

At the moment there seem to be three discrete sources of resentment. One is that SM was cold to her (although not outright cruel) - this is fairly vague and couched in highly subhective terms.

The second is that she currently finds her SM 'judgy' and 'not chill' - again, vague and highly subjective

And the third is the will which is definite and factual

So to aid OP is sorting out her own feelings, I'm encouraging her to examine what is bothering her the most about her SM.

Analysing feelings in this way can be extremely helpful. If OP doesn't think it'll be helpful, she doesn't have to do it - this is the internet not a DBT session.

this.

Do you know why she had little contact with you, have you asked your father why ? There may be a good reason. My friend was not allowed to be a step dad by his wife ex husband The ex was adamant that he would take the children back to his own country if my friend played any part in his children's life. You need to find out the reason before you make a decision.

The will was only mentioned in response to another poster mentioning the will in their situation. It was an empathetic response not a point the OP was making. I think it’s a red herring.

The OP is enjoying a relationship with her father and isn’t sure if she wants to open that up to include her step mum because they never got on. If both women are happy with their relationship, it doesn’t need to change because it suits dad.

It’s also worth mentioning that feelings are subjective by nature, and that doesn’t make them any less valid.

There are several posts at the moment on the step-parenting board from SMs who are at the end of their tether with their DP - not parenting his children, being hyper-critical of her interaction with them, letting them run amock, Disney dad, no rules, taking extra shifts on his contact time with them without discussion and generally just assuming that the SM will be the childcare.

Regularly such posters are advised to go out for the day/leave him to it.

I would love to hear the SM here's take on things more than the dad's.

Yes a lot is expected of women but in these threads stepmothers are being told that taking no interest whatsoever in their SC is fine.

No they aren't. They are told not to take on more responsibility than the actual parent. As you well know.
This situation doesn't compare. The OP had a father and stepmother who wanted little to do with her. That happens too often and it does no good lumping every single stepmother situation in together does it? Because when you have a frazzled stepmum on here questioning why she's expected to do more than the child's actual parent, when she's often taken on everything child related anyway (cooking, washing etc) she should 100% be told that it is NOT her responsibility.
The OP's childhood was affected by a father who didnt care enough. By the sounds of it him and the stepmother put each other before their own children. The OP owes them nothing. I wouldn't invite either of them but I certainly wouldn't invite a stepmother I barely knew and who made no effort.

Have we read the same thing? The dad was awful, left op out of holidays, didn’t invite her over at all to one of his houses, go married without inviting her, why on earth should she pander to his feelings at all. Frankly he’s lucky she wants to bother with him, never mind the step mum.

But none of that was cruel…just cold.

According to a PP not me I hasten to add!

Step parents owe it to children to be kind and warm and welcoming, to not obstruct the parent/child relationship. People who can't manage that, really shouldn't marry people who have children. But step parents don't owe it to anyone to be another parent or to put up with rudeness or any Disney dad shit!
The father here is the main problem - he's not integrated his dc into his family life and allowed a situation to develop where there are no good feelings either way, at best indifference. OP owes him nothing now, it's too late.

Step mums probably do end up cooking and washing for dc but I don't think that's something a child has to be appreciative of - they've an entitlement to be looked after in their dad's home and how that happens is usually between the adults to sort out - this is something the dad should be grateful to the step mum for doing!

This seems very much a reap as you sow situation - there's been no development of a natural relationship and now dickhead dad is trying to force one in both his kids and his wife. Seems both parties are happier without it.

I'm changing my vote - YANBU

Invite your dad only and say that's what you are happy with and that it's too late to try to blend.

"But none of that was cruel…just cold."

Cold is cruel!

Children have little say in where they go. They are entitled to feel welcomed in both homes.

This is what I think too. When my parents split my sister took on all our mums prejudices. When my dad remarried DSis was adamant she wouldn’t be having anything to do with SM. Myself and my DB used to visit once a week and, although dads house didn’t feel like home (because it wasn’t our home) and SM didn’t feel like our mum (because she wasn’t our mum) I have no complaints.

When our mum remarried Dsis welcomed her new dh with open arms - because she was allowed to. Even to this day 20+ years later Dsis will have nothing to do with SM and becomes very hostile to myself and db when we do things with dad and his wife. Now we and SMs dc are all grown up we have seen things for ourselves that we didn’t realise as children. We are invited round to theirs, either as a family group or one dc and partner (and dc). We invite dad and SM to ours on occasion. We don’t see them as often as we see mum and her dh but that’s because she’s our mum and will always be number one. Dsis used to be invited but she refused, every time, usually with some scathing retort - which was unfair and uncalled for.

Parents split up and go on to make other relationships. That’s life. We grow up, see it for ourselves and make adult decisions.

this.
I couldn't vote as only you know the extent of how you feel about it and whether she was unfair or not.

But I think its fair to have coffee with your dad and ask him, why the sudden change? And let him know how you felt about the situation growing up. What are his expectations. How does he justify them?

How often is this expected to take place? Its good that you said that you'd want your partner there if visiting dad. if your DH was there would that make it easier for you?

It's a bit late for that!

This is so sad. I think the ship has sailed really for you to have a relationship with her. Yes, do invite your Dad for dinner. But if he says he is bringing his wife, I think you need to have a conversation with him about how he has treated you and how it has made you feel.

I would just invite your father. Obviously it should be no big deal as you don't have a close relationship with her, and never have. I had similar relationship with my stepmother and didn't even invite her to my wedding. My dad still came and understood my decision and I never regretted it. In fact my dad died some years ago now and I have never seen her since his funeral. Never had a big fallout, just never close. You might be overthinking this and she might not bother at all. Just because your dad married her, doesn't mean you have to befriend her and force a relationship.

Op

Surely you know who is more dominant in this relationship?

Is it her or him? Who was the driver and influencer of excluding you and your sister as kids?

It seems like it isn’t your stepmother that is pushing to be included in things, but your father who wants her there. It’s totally fine to choose not to invite her, but be mindful that if you don’t then it may very well mean your father doesn’t visit. That doesn’t mean you should invite her despite your feelings on the matter, just that it’s worth considering the possible consequences and whether or not they’re acceptable to you.

I also don’t think she did anything wrong by not taking a parental role with you. She isn’t your mother, and your father is the one that was responsible for parenting you as a child.

Given that dad bullied his wife into attending a family dinner she didn't want to go to, I'd say it is clear who in the relationship gets his own way.

On one hand I get it’s easier for someone to blame their stepparent rather than accept their parent is the one responsible, but on the other it seems that many are so quick to dismiss the notion of grown men having agency when there’s a woman that can conveniently be cast as Lady Macbeth.

😳!! re the snogging!

Poor young you.

I tend to think in these blended family situations it is always the children ( inc grown dcs) who are supposed to rise above and be the adults in their response to the arrangements ( amusingly my autocorrect wanted to make that word estrangements!)

I realise you are grown now, but my point is really that your Dad took decisions to give himself the life that looked the way he wanted his family life to look and you were expected to roll with it.

There are many quick to argue that he’s entitled to live his life the way he wants and if that involved hurtful or uncomfortable aspects for you then that is something you just have to deal with. Yet somehow the reasoning never seems to apply in reverse: you’ve grappled with him taking decisions and making his life look the way he wants, but somehow you can’t do the same and not incorporate this woman into yours if you don’t like that idea. For some reason in blended families that “ good for the goose, so good for the gander “ reasoning gets lost. I think things are changing a little as a couple of generations of step children who were victims of the “ children are resilient” mindset are now reaching adulthood and can state that actually children maybe aren’t as neutral about their family set up as that philosophy implied.

Buf my advice would be consider yourself as free to sculpt your family life to look how you want it to as he considered himself to be when takingvthisd holidays without you etc. After all “ parents are resilient”🤣 YANBU.