To not invite stepmother

[HedgehogHighway]

i don’t have a major issue with my stepmother but I’m not close to her and never have been. When we were kids there was never any effort to integrate us, ie no family days out or time spent together. I would visit my dad and my stepmother would be elsewhere, focusing on her children perhaps. Efforts weren’t made to be close to us at any point. Now for some reason, possibly because her children have grown up, moved away and are more distanced from her, there are attempts (by my dad) to integrate us. For example, she appeared unexpectedly at my sisters birthday meal recently when she has never previously come along to our birthday meals. We’ve never once been invited to my stepmothers birthday meal, assuming she has one. My dad formed a family unit with my stepmother and her children. Me and my sister would visit my dad, but weren’t integrated into a cohesive family unit.

I have recently moved to a new house with my partner and would like to invite my dad over to visit, and to stay for food. Would it be unreasonable to invite him and not my stepmother, as I would feel more comfortable with just my dad in my house?

If the tables were turned I would like my partner to come along with me to my dad’s house so I suspect I am being unreasonable. It was a lot easier when there was acceptance of distance, but recently my dad wants us to all be closer and wants to include her. I find my stepmother a bit judgy and not very chill to be around. So it makes me hesitant to invite my dad over as a consequence as my home is my safe place.

YABU - she is your father’s wife so you need to accept her presence when you invite your dad over for dinner.

YANBU - he’s your dad and it’s fair enough to request his presence without his wife needing to come along.

fwiw I do also see my dad separately, for example we will go for a coffee or quick lunch once a month.

You reap what you sow.....she didn't make time for you as a child, so why the desire to play 'happy families ' now? You may need to have a chat with your dad about the situation and how rejected you felt as a child and why it's difficult now to be expected to be on closer terms. It maybe a work in progress regarding relationship with step mum and imo you should be able to see your dad just the 2 of you.

OP, I would have an honest conversation with your dad to unpick some of this. Tell him that she's never really seemed interested in you before and you're struggling a bit to suddenly be expected to include her. Make it clear that you're open to building a relationship with her (otherwise you will be the unreasonable one) but you'd also sometimes like it to be just the two of you - you and your dad.

But the OP doesn’t even know that the SM is trying to ‘play happy families’ here. All she knows is that the SM attended her sister’s birthday meal (once) and her dad is now insisting his wife should be invited to her house with him.

Maybe the father insisted his wife attended the dinner. We don’t know. The OP doesn’t either.

This is a father problem. In entirety.

As I said, the OP does not have to invite her stepmother round. But it would be useful (to her) if she actually held her dad responsible rather than filling in the gaps and blaming the stepmother every time.

She actually might not want to go though. She might like the time on her own instead. Just a thought.

I think the argument works both ways, if the OP's SM didn't have any responsibility to include OP and it was all on the father, she can't possibly have any right to have an opinion on the extent to which her and the father are treated as one package. I wouldn't invite her, she's got what she wanted she can't have it both ways.

I would also say this is likely to be what the future is for lots of posters who say they don't have to do anything for their SC, you literally do reap what you sow.

I think your dad is an awful as sm to be honest. Neither invited you to their wedding and made no effort. Snogging in front of you is just disgusting

Thank you yes. I feel like we were previously following this playbook.

People are asking why I’m blaming the SM and not my dad. So I need to clarify that when I list all the things I was excluded from, I’m not saying I was upset or resentful at the time. I think we were all following the playbook and were happy (ish) with that at the time. Maybe there was acceptance we didn’t have much interest in each other. I was surprised when my dad got married but I wasn’t very upset I wasn’t invited to the wedding, I never spoke with him about it as it didn’t hugely bother me, it’s more like - ok this is separate from me, fine.

But now my dad wants the playbook to change to happy close families. He’s had a change of heart and wants us all to be close. But I’m not that bothered about her, no huge enmity but I wouldn’t choose to be mates with her. I’m quite introverted and like my own space and can find socialising a bit tiring, I’m not a social butterfly and not looking to add lots of people to my life. I’d be happy to just see my dad.

And I think that my relationship with her is an extension of how it was when I was a kid. In comparison, when my mum got her partner, we lived together, went on day trips and holidays together, we had a fraught relationship at times but maybe that conflict is also a sign of closeness whereas with my SM there was distance.

I’m surprised so many on here are saying to include her. Remember all the posts where there are step children and should the step mother have to go to their birthdays/include the child when going out for Mother’s Day etc. it was always No. don’t include the child they have their own parents. It’s up to them to go out with their child. So do the reverse. No. You only have to see your dad. Tell them both why, make no apologies. You’re not close. You weren’t included as a child. You saw your own mum and your dad separately with no inclusion of step family. Why start now.

You’re still blaming someone else for your dad’s behaviour. I get that you’re not close with your stepmother, what I don’t get is that you can’t see that it’s your dad who made poor choices.

I agree with the others on here who’ve said that the responsibility for setting the tone of how integrated a family becomes definitely lies with the actual parent. My friend has a similar situation with her grown up step kids; all very polite, but no real relationship with her or her kids (their half siblings). But that was very much because her DH insisted on the step kids having “their separate time”, when he basically pretty much wholly focused on them and pretty much opted out of his younger kids when the older ones were around. So as a result she and they built a pretty independent life. And now everyone’s a lot older, the DH is actually really sad that he pretty much has two separate families and would like everything to be more integrated. But he’s the person who caused it.

It was awkward because my sister hadn’t booked a place for her as she didn’t know she was coming, so we had to quickly get a chair added. It was a table of two halves (conversation wise) my dad and SM on one side and my mother on the other, whereas previously there would have been free flowing conversation. I’m always polite and chatty with my SM and didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable so I talked to both sides, I was in the middle with my OH. It was also awkward as they were about 30 minutes late and when I pressed my dad on why afterwards it’s because he’d been having to persuade my SM to join whereas she wasn’t keen on that.

Its ok to feel that you were hard done by in earlier years and it’s ok to be ‘not quite there yet’ now.

If you love your dad and want to maintain the current contact without including SM, that’s fine too.

Don’t load yourself with guilt about not having a relationship with SM. It’s a fact, but it doesn’t have to ‘mean’ anything, it just ‘is’. Accept this. Pressure from your dad is meaningless, shrug it off.

In time, you might ‘get there’ and things might change, but if they don’t, they don’t.

Don’t grieve for how the past might’ve been, it wasn’t. Accept this and move your thinking on.

DH was in a similar situation but tried to maintain a civil relationship as that was the ‘right’ thing to do as family is very important in the way he was brought up.

It didn’t work, he tied himself in knots about it (and being mercenary it then made the fact that she got everything when his father died a very, very bitter pill to swallow).

I'm a SM and think the way she treated you was horrible and cold. Your father wasn't much better. My DH would have left me if I acted like that to DSS. If he hadn't left me I would have thought he was a shit dad and not gone on and had children with him.

That said if you want to have a relationship with your Dad you have a few choices.
1..not invite SM and see less of your dad/have a strained relationship.

1. Invite SM and it be awkward.but might end up with you rubbing along ok (DH has done this with his SM - who was his mum's bf and had an affair!). But still see your dad on your own sometimes.
2. Talk to your Dad about it. Not in a confrontational way but factual. Say that as a child SM never spent time with you but you've noticed she wants to now. Say It used to be upsetting. It might cause ructions but might clear the air.

You don’t have to be the bigger person but imo it’s not tit for tat, invite her and start to foster a more positive relationship if you can. It’s not healthy to be harbouring all the resentment etc. time to move on. If it makes you feel better then talk to them about the past. Let them know how it made you feel, talk it out. Remember this is their first time round at life too…we all make mistakes. But yes ultimately it’s your decision and you need to do what is right for you.

My dad is 65, we don’t live far from each other, about half an hour drive. Same for my sister. I think it’s a time of life thing, he is retired and has more time on his hands. He has a vision where me and my OH go to his for meals and they come to ours. Like couple dinners. I think I do have a bit of resentment because when I was younger, I was very lonely and didn’t hear much from him, I never saw him during the Covid years, for example. When I lived abroad as a student and then working abroad I didn’t have much contact.

I think I need to get over my issues and have more empathy and see other sides, it’s just tricky that my SM is also tangled up in this.

Yes good point. I should ask my dad that.

I think many rubbish parents panic as they get older and realise people don't need them anymore, and no one really bothers with them. Sometimes it's too little too late though.

Oh just invite her and be the better person and stop being such a child. Life is too short to hold grudges.

Your dad's got this one wrong. You can't set the blended family dynamics for however many years and then suddenly decide to change them - closeness is built up and relationships can't be forced, especially after all this time. Can you talk to him and tell him that it's nothing personal against step mum but trying to force a relationship between you both now (just seen your update where he had to persuade her to come to a lunch she didn't want to go to) is likely to make everyone feel awkward and backfire

I think it's a pity no one told the OP's father and SM that years ago, isn't it? Why should OP be the "better person"?

Your dad is clearly driving all of this not your SM and I think you need a honest chat with him

This will happen with me also as my dad refuses to make a will and he’s older than her. So everything will go to her and then her kids (not that we are talking huge sums of money, but he's comfortably retired).

You know this is on your dad too he didn't make any effort by what I've read to make you and your sister part of his other family or it could be she thought your time with your father was important that's why she wasn't around it sounds complex and upsetting , but I think if you see her as just your dad's wife and invite them both, you are all adults, just invite her.

when I pressed my dad on why afterwards it’s because he’d been having to persuade my SM to join whereas she wasn’t keen on that.

this is so clearly all driven by your dad.

It’s his expectations you need to manage. it sounds like the SM is no more looking to insert herself into your life than you are looking to integrate her into it. It’s your dad who has had a change of heart and wants to play happy families.

It’s your dad you need to have the conversation with about this. He decided - unilaterally - that his wife must attend a birthday dinner with him. It doesn’t sound like she was desperate to impose herself on the event, does it?

All the ‘you reap what you sow’/cautionary tale posters are being typically ridiculous. There’s no evidence here that the SM is upset that she isn’t close to her husband’s children.

Again - this is entirely on your dad.