To want my baby in nursery more

[Jundapo]

Ds is 19 months and I work 3 days and have 2 days with him. I’m finding it so hard. I dread the days with him on top of the weekend. It’s so hard. Everything I read says nursery is bad for them under age 3 but I don’t know if I can carry on like this. I feel like an awful parent all the time

Attachment is determined early on and it’s the first year of life that solid bonds are formed. I have a friend who adopted two siblings, the youngest was an infant the older one was 2yrs old.
Attachment disorder was evident from the outset with the toddler but the younger sibling formed strong attachment from the outset and is a well adjusted young adult now. Unfortunately there older sibling has struggled throughout life behaviour wise and is currently estranged from their adoptive parents. The difference between them has been very obvious and knowing the circumstances helps to understand the basis for the behaviour problems.
Attachment disorder can happen in a perfectly normal infant parent relationship whether the child goes to nursery or not. It is a complex problem that is not as simple as leaving a child in nursery 7 hrs a day.
I wish pps would not keep using it to frighten the OP.

I'm not sure what "experts" this article is referring to given that some paragraphs just cut off without making a point. They talk about the stress in the first week of nursery but don't clarify about later on. Of course any child will be stressed being away from their primary care giver even if it's to other family etc. That doesn't make it harmful long term.

I think you need to find more reputable sources of research than random bits you're finding online.

Ds goes to nursery 5 days a week. (We've no other option) and he absolutely loves it. He's become so much more social and confident with other people, he's learnt a lot and when he sees other children he just wants to go say hi now whereas before he would have watched from afar.

He's tired by the end of the day and I can tell he's had a big day so we have some quiet time, I feed him and he gets a snack and lots of closeness and cuddles when he's first in the door and he's happy to go do other things after about 5/10 mins. I don't really see this as different to an older child wanting to reconnect with their parent after a day apart learning and experiencing new things.

I feel like we're setting him up well for a nursery and then school environment and we've been very particular about the nursery we chose and feel their approach to things mirrors our values as parents so we are in alignment which will help ds with different boundaries in different places. He gets so excited when we pull into the car park that he now shouts yay! And starts kicking his feet. He cried at pick up and drop off the first two weeks and then it was like he realised he loves it!

@sociallydistained I work in child trauma and am very well versed in attachment theory - a child can have a perfectly healthy attachment to their care givers and be in nursery every day. Equally they can be with their caregiver 24/7 and have a very insecure attachment. Everything I've done to date as a parent has been with attachment theory in the back of my mind. Didn't worry for a second about sending ds to nursery. It sounds like you're taking it to the extreme - while I believe strongly in the value of attachment theory so much of it as social research isn't easily pinned down to specific scenarios as there are so many factors that go into it. I've also worked in nurseries and other early years settings, if best practice isn't happening then it needs to be called out just like it should be in a school, youth centre or other setting, it's incredibly unfair to scaremonger and make out that there aren't many wonderful safe nurseries that are that way because they have very dedicated and trained staff.

@SmokeyWigwams it could also be a lot of preparation done by the parents to get a child excited for starting nursery. Maybe watching programmes or reading books or watching an older sibling go there. Maybe going to lots of different groups etc where they're very used to being around new people and children. Maybe being babysat regularly by extended family. Maybe being that bit older and therefore understanding where they are and what is happening. It's not clear cut so you should not be providing statements like these as factual when it's so dependent on the individual child and their individual circumstances. I wouldn't look at a child happy to go to nursery and immediately presume they had an insecure attachment. And I've worked with children with insecure attachments for years. As a child I had a deeply insecure attachment with my mum. I ripped one of her coat pockets off in floods of tears trying to get her to stay when she tried to leave me at nursery as an older child for the first time. It's really not enough to go on.

Writing "experts say..." without quoting any kind of source is a good way to make people think you know what you're talking about.

Mine was in nursery 8-6 M-F at that age and is now flying high at a top uni, well rounded, happy etc.

I have three 30,27 and 13. All attended nursery from under a year. The older ones say some of their best memories are from those times (obviously from when they were a bit older ☺️).
’No benefit to…’ is different to ‘Negatively impacts’. If it is going to positively affect your family as a whole , which it sounds like it will - then there is a clear benefit.
Children benefit from the social input and structure of Nursery, And the cuddles when they return home are just lovely 🥰

You will get parents who say nursery is fine, (usually those who want women in work or mothers that have had to put them in from a very young age) and then you will get those who think it's the devil (again often dependent on personal experience or having studied attachment) and as with all things child related, it's about the bigger picture. Children need quality attachment with their primary caregiver in their early years 0-3 . That is unarguable, there is no NEED for children to be in nursery under 3, it has mostly come about to get parents in work and make tax off of 2 parents HOWEVER that doesn't mean there are no benefits to it!
My daughter loved being in nursery, mugged me off as soon as she saw all the new toys she could play with and ended up going to a school hrs preschool from 3.5, my son on the other hand, built up slowly from 2 days to 3 then school and still never wants to leave my side (though is fine once he does) so temprement of the child is a factor.
The other factor is the quality of the attachment time they are getting when they are with you/their primary caregiver and guess what... children of depressed parents also tend to be less securely attached, so it is 100% a healthy valid choice to put your child in nursery to give yourself a break and a day to yourself, if that allows you to be more rested and present as a parent so don't feel guilty for that!
Big picture. Your child needs quality engaged time with you and as long as they get that, an extra day at nursery will be fine.
I've worked with kids in extra curricular for 20yrs and seen kids who can't leave their parents sides and kids who are in school and activities all week long....the most stable and sociable kids are almost always the ones between the 2 extremes.
It's good to spend lots of quality time with your little ones, it's good to look after yourself and not been a tired overstimulated mumma.
You either need to read everything on child development or nothing!! Cos reading snippets will always pile on the mum guilt. It's all big picture and balance, honestly.
Do what works for you and your family and follow your gut (and be willing to ignore judgy arseholes...cos they are everywhere.)

I’m sure your baby’s dad doesn’t feel guilty for working and the baby being in nursery or having time without him. Change to full time nursery if you can afford to. I couldn’t afford more than 3 days when my youngest was little and I worked those days so no free time, so I put her in the crèche at the gym for 2 hours on my days off and did an exercise class with other adults. It saved my sanity!

Every child and family situation is different and you need to do what is best for your situation.

I haven't read the link, but there are probably lots of articles saying the same, and equally as many saying the opposite.

My child started going to a playgroup three mornings a week at 2. We did plenty of activities at home, or by going to groups, but they were ready for more and thrived in that environment. It prepared them for nursery at 3 and then school too. I also needed the challenge of being in work, and the extra time at home by myself to get things done.

You also need to thnk of what is right for you as a mum, and allow time for yourself. You can't look after someone else, if you aren't looking after yourself.

If you need a day to yourself, or extra hours in work, if finances/work allow go for what is right for you and don't feel guilty. You are putting your child first, because you will be able to give them a better you when you are with them

Research shows taking time for yourself makes you a much happier parent and this will benefit your child. Stop reading Internet research and learn to trust your instincts. If your child is happy they will thrive whatever the setting.

Research can give you a lot of useful information, but it's generalised. You need to apply it to your personal circumstances and use it to inform your choices.

I really hated the newborn stage because it is boring. I really enjoyed the toddler stage because I liked the chaos and growing independence and discovery. But if that toddler stage is hard for you, it is exhausting. It is constant and demanding, and toddlers are entirely unreasonable.

Putting your child in nursery for an extra day will benefit you massively. Having a day with no demands will be good for your mental health. No manager or customers expecting things of you, no child demanding attention - you can watch tv, clean, go out, nap, eat food you like in peace. It's breathing space and will help you to have more energy for your child on the days they are with you (if you can get their dad to get them up and take them to nursery on that day so you don't even have to get out of bed, so much the better!).

I worked four days a week and when my kids started school I kept the day off. It was absolutely amazing for me. I called it a mental health day. In theory I caught up on cleaning but in practice I mainly watched tv. If your child hated going to nursery, I'd say the costs might outweigh the benefits, but if they enjoy it, they are getting access to other children, experiences, adults who will engage them and care about them.

YANBU OP!
Lots of children thrive at nursery and your own well being is important too.
If you can afford it, put him in for another day or half day so you get some time to yourself and can enjoy the time you have with him then.

I felt the same when my little one was a similar age. My husband often worked weekends so that added to my weeks of entertaining as well as working. We upped the hours to half a day extra a week which worked well as he went to nursery in the morning and often then slept for 2 hours after. Meant I had the best part of a day to have some me time, do housework etc and then I was a better parent for it overall! Don't feel guilty doing what's best for your family overall.

What's so awful about nursery? Anyone who works in a nursery will tell you it'd shit money for long hours and huge responsibility. The only reason anyone goes into childcare is because they love children and want them to have a fun learning experience, while having all their needs met.
I mean I guess if you don't want that for your kid then they're awful places

My youngest dd was so happy to start preschool at 2 and 9 months she just waved goodbye and left me outside with an empty pushchair! None of my 4dc went to nursery. Perhaps I should have been concerned!

I was a SAHM and loved it, BUT you are not loving it so make a change for both your sakes. My sister sent both of her DC to childminder or nursery from very young as she was the main earner. She also, like you, struggled being at home with them and knew it wasn’t for her. All the cousins are thriving, happy kids/young adults regardless of child care choices. These studies constantly contradict themselves - you have to do what is right for you. If you are happy, your toddler will be happy.

No, they are all different. Like I said above - these studies all contradict each other.

OP this was me! And I went up to 4 days at work and it made me so much happier.

Toddlers are bloody hard work, don't even worry about it, he'll love it!

What about being at home with him is so difficult for you? Do you feel isolated?

I suspect most people who ask this question have had easy kids! It is kind of obvious isn't it?

No it isn't. There could be all sorts of reasons.
That's why I asked

(Mother of 3, grandmother of 5)