To want my baby in nursery more

[Jundapo]

Ds is 19 months and I work 3 days and have 2 days with him. I’m finding it so hard. I dread the days with him on top of the weekend. It’s so hard. Everything I read says nursery is bad for them under age 3 but I don’t know if I can carry on like this. I feel like an awful parent all the time

Op don’t worry. We can love our kids but also not enjoy parenting this age. Going to work is so easy in comparison. Please take a day for yourself.

Also take those studies with a pinch of salt. Honestly, 3 would have been far too late for my boy. He needed much more stimulation much sooner than that.

My child has been going to nursery since he was 15 months old and at 4 still hates being dropped off and I mean he really cries, gets very anxious, has to be carried in. He's ok when he's there but is always waiting by the gate from about 20 mins from pick up time.

He absolutely loves it when nursery is closed or it's a day he's with me or my parents.

However, the nursery/pre school he's in is amazing (we moved him from the first one because he was really was struggling there, not just at drop off) They're very supportive and helpful, he's very well looked after, does loads of things he enjoys and he's even made 2 o 3 solid friendships with children he'll be going to school with in September. He often says "actually I had a lovely day today" and will show us stickers he's got for being helpful, kind, joining in etc. But he also says it's too busy, too loud, he misses us alot.

My son is awaiting an autism assessment so I appreciate it's not the standard situation. I'm just adding this in as a different perspective as I feel quite conflicted about sending him. I know it's good for him as he's often happy there and he's made friends. It's good preparation for school, I think suddenly going 5 days a week would be way too much of a shock for him. But I also know his first nursery wasn't right for him at all and feel bad for not swapping him sooner. I love having him at home where we can just potter about together and I know for a fact he'd choose to be at home if he had a choice.

Is it really better for an under 3 year old to just be with mum when mum is miserable and struggling to cope? Traditionally a child would have lived with a group of family and not just spent all their time only with mum.

In my experience I only coped as a SAHM to toddlers by spending a lot of time going to groups and going to parks with other mums and toddlers. I didn't cope well at all in lockdown despite the experts claiming that my toddler only needed to be with me. I felt gaslit when people told me that.

It might be that you'd cope without extra days in nursery by finding other mums to spend the days with but don't feel guilty if this isn't possible or not the right choice for you. Keep yourself healthy for your child's sake.

Do you have much structure to your days? We go to so many groups and sessions. It really keeps us busy. 18-3 is such an amazing age. If you really pay attention you're about to discover how incredible your little one is, what they like, how they think. You don't want to miss this opportunity to be your child's first teacher.

This may also depend on the child. This age has been terrible for me and at 3, it’s still going.

I think this age is really really hard. Most people I know have found this.

When your child is a baby, they take work but they are easily amused and portable and you can to some extent do what you want and take them along with you

When your child can speak and interact with you properly, they are tiring but also hilarious and a wider range of activities open up.

When your child is approx 12-24 months (window depends a bit on when the child starts walking and talking) they are basically a huge pain. They can move around but not communicate and they get bored easily but there are fewer entertainment options. It's shit.

I'd do an extra day in nursery to get you through the next few months or so and then think about it again.

My two year old boy is currently climbing onto the top of his IKEA kitchen. I take him off and he does it again. It doesn't very enjoyable does it?

She's not missing an opportunity, she isn't proposing sending the child to some kind of toddler boarding school
where she'd never see them! This is one extra day in nursery. That still leaves plenty of time to be with them.

OP spends four days a week with her child, I'm sure she's aware of what her child likes and how they think.

Personally I was very happy for someone else to do some of the teaching. Trying to stop a toddler finding new and incentive ways to harm themselves was very, very boring.

My job is assessing research and I would say anyone categorically pronouncing on whether nursery is bad (or good for that matter) in this age group simply doesn't know what they are talking about as the evidence simply isn't there.

We do know for sure that some things are detrimental to children but they are big huge things like death of a parent/sibling, serious illness if child or family member, abuse of course. Also poverty has an enormous detrimental effect. Most other things... Well nobody can find much evidence for much of an effect one way or another. Attachment theory is an interesting one. There's definitely something in it but probably it's the adverse life experiences causing the attachment difficulties.

We do know that children of depressed mothers do less well so it's very important to look after maternal mental health and reduce poverty. In your shoes OP that might point to increasing your hours and DC nursery hours.

I say all this as a mother of teens who did all the hippy dippy attachment parenting thing with my kids when young. I loved it and felt I was doing the right thing for my DC (which I probably was, because I was doing what suited me and my family)

Op i would do an extra day in nursery. If I could afford it, I'd do the same!

My dc is 2 and has more energy than my other children ever had. He just wants to be on the go constantly and can talk really well so constantly want me to interact which is exhausting! I love him to bits but I also need down time after working 3 days and being 'on' with him the other 4 days!

Work is so easy compared to parenting a lively strong willed toddler.

We (DH and I) put DD who is almost 18 months into nursery 4 days. I work 3 days and have one day to myself to run errands and enjoy some time to myself (it’s my mental health day). We never have had help with DD. It’s daycare or us.

Forget studies that say it’s bad before age 3 blah blah blah - what’s worse is mummy burn out. Pop them into daycare. The days you spend together the rest of the week means you will be more refreshed and enjoy them a lot more.

My 2 started play school at 2 and a half for 2 days a week i cried every day for the first week because they were not with me for a few hours.
I didnt want to miss them first few years.But it had to be done.I couldent bring myself to put them in any earlier.I was a single mum (stayed single by choice).However when they got to about 6 years old i was running to the school gates lol.21&19 now and very happy they have moved out.

It does seem that way. ,one of mine started at 13 weeks. Way before clinginess etc. another one at nearly 6 months. Seems in a way the year old might be one of the most difficult times to start nursery. It's the time they most clingy and the start of tantrums

My niece cried going into playgroup from age of 3.5. she also cried and clung to my brother every morning at school right the way up to year 4. Now she's an independent 15 year old. I don't think nursery as a baby could be to blame for that as she didn't go and my brother was full time carer

If you're genuinely struggling mental health then do it.

But I don't think in general dreading spending time with your child should be normalised. I think you need to reframe it wether In therapy or on your own. I know it's cliche but you really don't get these days back.

I didn't say it was to blame. I said I noticed children who don't go to any nursery until three seemed to struggle more with settling.

What I'm saying is, attachment issues aren't always obvious to outsiders. Also, I have privately wondered if many present-day societal issues might partially be down to a radical shift in how children were cared for from a young age. The sudden mass use of institutional childcare also seemed to coincide with a dramatic increase in family breakdown (as in, an increase in divorce and separation rates) when those children started to form families of their own. Things like separation are so normal now that we might not see it as a "problem" that had a root cause, but that's just because it's happened on such a large scale. So I don't think we should be too quick to dismiss the research showing that lack of a secure attachment can cause difficulty in relationships later in life. There are always exceptions and there will obviously be other contributing factors, but dismissing research which is by now broadly accepted by experts is disingenuous in my opinion.

That's actually a sign of a secure attachment. It's more concerning if children are completely indifferent to being separated from their primary care giver.

But not everyone feels like that about getting the time back. Mine is now in junior school and generally lovely/confident/sociable but I have never looked back and wanted the baby or toddler years back or wished they'd gone on longer. I found them really really hard, I didn't enjoy having a baby, had severe PND and found that year really difficult. Toddler years were a bit better but why on earth would I want to go back to that stage, it's really awful?! If I do look back at photos, it's more 'thank goodness we're past that stage!'

Do it!!! Take one day a week (pick him up early if you really need to assuage the guilt a bit) to really look after your sanity. I did it with mine, they loved nursery and don't remember much anyway.

Use that day to get hair done, sort life admin, go out for a coffee and read a book.

I totally understand @Jundapo . I worked three days a week with LO at nursery those three days. But my LO was really hard work around 18 months- so stroppy, only just walking and talking. I was starting to dread those two week days on my own with her. So I put her in nursery and extra day each week. Tbh I struggled with the guilt and spent a lot of those days just doing chores and sometimes not really enjoying myself. But it was better than dreading time together. After about six months she was much easier behaviour wise and I felt a bit better after a break and now we're back to three days of nursery.

If you are struggling I would recommend an extra nursery day. It doesn't have to be forever. You might find things easier in time and can change again in future.

@FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant

I did wonder this as well?

@Jundapo not sure what you are reading but maybe stop reading that. It’s really not true.

Hmm how does that square with the divorce rate decreasing again though? Divorce and separation peaked in the 1980s and then declined in the UK. I think an equally plausible theory is that the Equal Pay Act and other anti discrimination legislation meant a lot of unhappily married women were able to survive financially and so divorce was feasible.

Saying an extra day of nursery could cause insecure attachment is a bit like saying a bag of cheesy wotsits a day could cause malnutrition. It might if a whole lot of other things also go wrong but on its own it's pretty irrelevant as a causative factor.

I’m a big fan of the nursery. Used a great one for my two when I went back to work. Three days per week from 10 months.

But I’ll be honest. I’m not sure avoidance is the best way to treat this. I get that it’s hard at that age. I really do. But this is a bit of a cop-out, to be honest. You’re his mum. You need to get on with it.