To want my baby in nursery more

[Jundapo]

Ds is 19 months and I work 3 days and have 2 days with him. I’m finding it so hard. I dread the days with him on top of the weekend. It’s so hard. Everything I read says nursery is bad for them under age 3 but I don’t know if I can carry on like this. I feel like an awful parent all the time

@MsCactus we opted for nursery over childminder for our second. We were open minded and wanted what was best for our children. We had a great childminder for our first, but we moved and we weren't happy with the childminders in our area, they didn't seem very professional, had a mix of ages, the childminders would be seen all over town drinking tea chatting to each other for hours leaving the kids to their own devices. Whereas the nursery had key workers, stimulating environment, there wasn't a huge turnover, they spent the majority of the time with their key worker and a limited number of other staff. He was very happy there. My kids are older now, both had quite different pre school years for various reasons and both are happy, secure, and close to us- you couldn't tell which one spent more time at home or childminder or nursery. I believe there is more than one way to create a nurturing environment for a child, I believe that wholeheartedly.

My 23 month son is in nursery full time. I was worried that it wouldn’t be good for him, but was reassured when I found out some of my smartest, loveliest friends had gone to nurseryfull time when they were little. Now that he’s there he ADORES it, and the ladies at the nursery love him
so much. I think it would do you both good x

I don't think poor attachment impacts intelligence or even "niceness". It's more things like anxiety and how you experience relationships. I went to nursery as a child. I got a First Class degree, am told that I'm a kind and intelligent person etc. But we all have our inner demons that others might not see, some of which may or may not be conditioned by early life experiences. I've noticed I have a real fear of being abandoned and alone, but this isn't something other people would notice. I know people who had extremely traumatic childhoods and are absolutely wonderful people, but I wouldn't dare say that their experiences haven't had a negative impact on them that I just am not privy to.

All that's to say, we shouldn't dismiss attachment theory because we know lots of "lovely and successful people" who went to nursery.

I’m sorry that going to nursery has caused you so much damage, the people who I’m talking about are very confident, happy, well-adjusted. Of course, maybe these friends have huge inner demons that I’m not aware of, but it’s also possible that they weren’t negatively affected by going to nursery.

@SmokeyWigwams I went to nursery as a child and I don't relate to any of what you've said, my mum was back at work by 3 months I think it was, as you say I'm not dismissing attachment theory, it makes sense in a lot of ways as a general theory, but just as we shouldn't dismiss a theory, it seems odd to try to validate it with just your experience which could be for a variety of nature and nurture reasons?

I'm also generally very happy and well-adjusted, and all my friends would say so too! I just noticed this particular struggle I have and I wonder if it's related to early childhood experiences.

I wouldnt be too hard on yourself then! It sounds like you have a lot of fantastic qualities - and no one gets to adulthood without some issues!

I have seen childminders spend more time chatting and having a cup of tea rather than pay attention to the kids they are looking after. I wouldn't put my son who is a climber with them as they wouldn't watch him closely enough.

I’m not at all pro nursery but I am very pro maternal mental health. There aren’t any benefits to nursery research wise before three but there are benefits to having a mum who is well rested, attentive and able to be patient because her own needs are being met.

Hey op, please do go ahead and up the nursery days. After 2 shit childminders, my son has been in nursery since 2 and he has thrived. He loves it. They offer him many things i wouldn’t think to do at home. I also had a day off without him during the week and it saved my samity while allowing me to exercise and do errands.

The reality is, motherhood in the early years is shit and it’s all about survival. We matter too.

This so called data is literally what none of us have experienced in real life though.

My son used to go four days a week. He ran in happily and sometimes asked to go at the weekend, so it can't have been that bad! (He liked nursery a lot better than he does school.) If you're confident it's an excellent nursery and he's happy to go in, it's fine.

I didn't particularly enjoy toddlerhood either. It's relentless and exhausting. I used to get through my day with him by having a plan and going out somewhere different each week - places I liked, as he was happy with something different to look at and a run around on some grass or in the library. I'd usually drive into town first thing, wander round some shops with him in the pushchair, take him to the library, get a nice lunch from M&S and have a picnic in the park or go to Costa if the weather was bad (they seem to be quite good with kids) and then drive home at naptime so he'd drop off quickly. Transfer to cot one home or let him sleep in my arms if he woke up a bit. Then after he woke up we'd go for a walk around the block or just watch TV while I cooked dinner or did housework.

That was my basic day, but I had list on my phone of other things to do. Local gardens, museum, sculpture park, farm, visit grandparents or friends if they were off work.

I promise it gets better. I found a big difference around 2.5, and then again at 3.5. He's now 5 and although he's still quite hard work sometimes, he's brilliant and I love spending time with him. I don't dread it like I did when he was 18 months.

Can you take some annual leave as well? A week off with him in nursery for most of it might help.

Well I guess we’re not hearing from the parents whose children cry from the moment they arrive are we? Parents are going to be defensive about childcare options because very often we don’t have that many options if we can’t afford a nanny and many of us have to work. Added to that we actually want some time to ourselves then we’re not going to be unbiased. ( eg cognitive dissonance) I probably wouldn’t have added an extra day ( and I certainly wouldn’t have done an extra 2) because I was pretty determined that my DD was with me more than my lovely childminder. I did a pre school in at 3 though. I didn’t find it that tough though we had a pretty chill time - I think if you’re finding it really tough then you should have a day for yourself but review it down the line.

Having seen childminders in our local soft play ignore their children while they sit with their mates, I wouldn't be too quick to think they're the best option. We use one for after-school now and she's brilliant (we had multiple recommendations) but there are some utterly shit ones. At least in a nursery there are multiple staff members and CCTV to keep an eye on what's going on.

A good nursery won't have high staff turnover or lots of part time staff. My son's key workers all worked full time and he formed lovely bonds with all of them (only one per year as he moved up the rooms).

The only one I know that cried all the time was one who didn't start till three. 🤷 Not everyone can afford to stay at home.

Ironically the two clingiest and most anxious children I know (one is now mid-teens) were both kept at home with mums who insisted that only the mother and the father looking after them was best for attachment! So they never got to build relationships with another adult or to discover that their parent left... but then they came back.

I was always determined to use childcare because my own parents didn't and I think I'd have been better off in a nursery with consistent, reliable focussed^^ staff who actually enjoy working with children. Sadly my mum was really into the whole small children are better off at home with their mum idea so I didn't get the chance, and I've had to deal with the consequences of that.

I was put off using childminders as, during maternity leave, I'd see a group of them at toddler group all chatting to each other over tea whilst their children were y supervised - one escaped out of an open fire escape one week! I know from friends that there are some good childminders out there but we were very happy with nursery.

We found that nursery provided the infamous 'village' of support for our family!

A extra day at nursery is more than worth it to give you the space you need.

Sadly there is a certain amount of research around that does highlight the negatives of children in nursery care (Steve Biddulp Raising Boys comes to mind). It isn't popular though to highlight this, as it doesn't suit many agendas. However an unhappy parent isn't good either.
Being at home with children is tough but it may be that the OP needs some counselling to understand why she's feeling as she is or to have planned in time to herself on those non work days. Might also be worth having some planned activities on those non work days, so there is some routine/contact with other adults.

I did this around the same time. My twins were resisting naps and it was unbearable. I put them in nursery full time.

After another 12 months, they had dropped their nap, were walking/talking/eating and playing independently. I have gone back to one day at home with them and it’s my favourite day of the week.

I’m sorry you have these feelings. I do think that humans naturally look for a specific ‘reason’ for things and often it’s not as simple as that. It might be of course but I think it’s more likely your upbringing in general, or just your psychology, or a combination of the two.

Not everyone can afford to stay at home

Yes this is the point. Most of us need to work and therefore have to consider childcare options outside the family. If you only have nursery options do you want to read negative research about nurseries if it’s the only option you have? This child is already in nursery 3 days a week so is already having that interaction. My point is we are not necessarily unbiased with our advice on this topic.

I can afford to be home full time if I wanted to and that’s part of why I feel huge guilt about this. I love my child, I just find the days extremely hard at the moment

I think some time to yourself is important and you shouldn’t feel guilty about that.

For various reasons, primarily work related, I am always either at work or with my 3 year old DS. I have no wider family support so nowhere to drop him off even for an hour. He is a wonderful little boy but it can be difficult with literally no break whatsoever. My to do list of personal stuff never seems to get addressed.

Do you think an extra day would give you time to catch up on the house jobs and that way you’ll have a bit more energy/time with your child? If so, that seems like a pretty good way to do things.
The toddler years are hard, as is working and doing all the home admin too.
I also worked 3 days while mine were little (still do actually and they’re bigger now).
OP, we will always feel guilty for whatever choices we make it seems! There will always be an article, a friend, a random person on Mumsnet telling you that it’s a bad choice. The thing is, our experiences and lives are all different and we have to weigh up the pros/cons and make a decision that we know works for us. I had lots of unwanted criticism about some of my choices but the person who was most vocal was in a different situation. It upset me at first but i am happy that I made decisions that were for me and my family rather than to satisfy their weird need to try to tell me their way was the ‘right’ way.

Even if this is true would you be a better healthier parent if they went for an extra half or full day? I think the answers yes so therefore there is a massive benefit to your child. There caregiver will be at 80% rather than 50%.