To want my baby in nursery more

[Jundapo]

Ds is 19 months and I work 3 days and have 2 days with him. I’m finding it so hard. I dread the days with him on top of the weekend. It’s so hard. Everything I read says nursery is bad for them under age 3 but I don’t know if I can carry on like this. I feel like an awful parent all the time

Are you a single parent? Only asking as it means you don't ever get a break . You can do whatever is right for you. Your child will come to no harm and hopefully it will give you the ability to recharge yourself. Mum guilt is real , don't give into it .

What are you struggling with in particular, OP? Maybe there's something we can help you with. There's absolutely nothing wrong with going for an extra day in nursery, but if we can help you find ways to enjoy your time with him more that will help you with the other days you have with him too. I had the same working pattern as you when my little one was that age, and there were definitely challenges!

@peachgreen i just feel like it’s non stop. The cleaning up, the meal prep, nappies, the tantrums, the washing, the constant need to be attentive and entertaining.

Wouldn’t it be more to the point to try and identify why you don’t enjoy time with him? Yes I know toddlers are hard work and yes they create a lot of mess, but it’s a bit sad that you want someone else to have him every day. Couldn’t you think of activities to take him to? Baby swimming? Toddler groups? Tumble Tots?

I sympathise. If you can afford it go for it. Time for yourself is important as well.

Stick cbeebies on, give them a biscuit and you relax. They will be fine. They don't need entertainment all the time.

My dd definitely benefitted from nursery before she was 3. Probably depends on the nursery.

Completely agree and it's been my experience as well.
Besides, attachment theory doesn't actually mean the child needs to be literally attached to the "main caregiver" at all times. It just means that the child needs to be brought up in a secure environment with predictable and attentive parenting style which takes into account child's needs, including the need for independence.

A nursery doesn’t mean all nurseries. Some nurseries are poor but some nurseries are excellent.

My son loves nursery.

Not every nursery is bad.

It is so full on, I remember it well. Do you get help at the weekends and in the evenings from your baby's dad? That can really help. Before he died my husband took our DD for a walk every Sunday morning so I could have some quiet time and it made a huge difference.

You really don’t need to be entertaining your child all the time. It’s actually good for their brain development to figure out ways to (safely) entertain themselves. When my kids were that age, they could spend the longest time just pulling things out of baskets and examining them.

I prefer to advocate for the child who cannot speak for themselves.

As do I. I also got distracted by keeping a roof over their head and food in their belly. Minor things like that.

@peachgreen when he’s not working weekends he will get up Sunday and leave me completely until 10am and then I usually see a friend on a Saturday for 2 hours or so. So I do get breaks here and there. I think it’s just the monotony of it. I feel so bored when I can’t even communicate with him properly. I know this sounds awful. I sort of wish I had gone back full time and done the part time bit when he was a bit bigger

I think you need to work out why you feel the way you do and get talking about it to friends or a therapist tbh. I don't think normalising dreading spending time with your baby is the right move. I think it needs working on OP. Not saying it is your fault.you feel.this way but it isn't a good thing and doing what is in your power to do to change your feelings rather than going with them would be the better plan.

The piece you linked to said that children starting nursery between 1 and 2 showed heightened levels of stress hormones when starting nursery (and for some months after) but didn't say how much and if toddlers that age not starting nursery might be similar. It seems to be suggesting that it is easier for babies to start nursery younger than 1 or older than 2?

@Jundapo do you go to any groups or activities together?

Happy mum equals happy child.

Stop reading it then.

You've got to do what you've got to do. I wish I was the sort of mum who could entertain kids at home all week. My neighbour does it, she's a superhero. My strength is in accepting my weakness. I did one day a week at home as that's all I felt fair.

Put him in! Your child is in, what I consider to be the most shit soul-destroying stage of parenting.
They are fully mobile, no sense of danger, constantly trying to harm themselves, no attention span to do activities, and they are starting to have tantrums. It’s awful!! I much prefer babies and older children/teens.
If he enjoys nursery then it’s a win/win!

I did the exact same and wish I had just worked full-time. In my opinion, it’s the worst of both worlds….you work part time but really you are expected to finish as much as any full-time worker. And then you’re exhausted on your ‘days off.’ my daughter’’s BFF ar nursery had 2 full-time working parents and I swear they seemed to have much easier life by just dropping their kid at nursery all the time. But I had this never-ending guilt that I was doing her a disservice. I found working part time exhausting and frustrating. And I ended up working as many hours as a full-time employee and only getting paid 60%.

I totally get it. Something I tried to remind myself of was that parenting was a marathon, not a sprint – some bits you'll be great at and really enjoy, some bits you'll hate and find really challenging. This is clearly one of the challenging bits for you (as it is for lots of mums!).

Why don't you see if you can spend, say, two months trying to make it more bearable, implementing some of the tips in this thread (playgroups are a godsend at that age for sure!), and then if you can't, a) he's that little bit older and will be more ready for nursery and b) you'll hopefully feel that you've done your best and be able to make the decision without feeling guilty?

Someone pops up to say this on every nursery thread but it's always some vague sinister post, never specific.

I worked three days a week until DS was 4. When he moved to preschool I increased it to 4 days.
I did work every other day which worked really well. DS has always loved a lie in. He would wake up at 6 then have a feed then go back to sleep until 9. He co slept and was bf until 22months. It just meant that I could have a lie in on my days off.
His favourite days at home was Thurs and Fri at nursery, primarily because he was obsessed with bin lorrys at that age. He would patiently wait in bed until 10am so he could wave at the bin men. And would do the same at nursery. Potty training was a doddle since I promised him a toy bin lorry if he managed to stay dry and clean for 2weeks.
DS is now 19, socially well adjusted. We have a close relationship based on trust. He always knew I would be picking him up and I was careful to tell him when I would be late. As a result he loved after school club, it was his playing out time with friends. Most nights he would insist on staying until his best friend was picked up so he wasn’t left on his own.

We are made to feel guilty whatever child care choices we make. As long as you are happy with the nursery he attends and it fits in with your routine , do whatever is best for you. A few weeks of some “me time” may be all you need to get through this stage. Not everyone has family close to them who can offer a bit of respite.
The toddler years are tough and relentless particularly when they are still non verbal. Once they are talking it’s so much easier, although they do regress to a series of grunts and tantrums during the teenage years but are capable of entertaining themselves at that stage.
You are currently in the middle of one of the most difficult stages of child development. Give yourself a break, it does get better.