To want my baby in nursery more

[Jundapo]

Ds is 19 months and I work 3 days and have 2 days with him. I’m finding it so hard. I dread the days with him on top of the weekend. It’s so hard. Everything I read says nursery is bad for them under age 3 but I don’t know if I can carry on like this. I feel like an awful parent all the time

My son is nearly 3. He started nursery at 2 years old.

I work 2 days a week and he goes in 3 days. I like that day to myself and he absolutely loves going to nursery. Bollocks to anyone who says it's bad for them- my son would beg to differ.

If there’s benefit for you, then there’s benefit, you are a key caregiver, your health matters as much as your child’s really, who would look after him if you were unwell?
Don’t feel guilty, my child doesn’t go to nursery yet as my partner stays at home with her for now, but I am a better mum personally because I work full time as I give it my all in the evenings, holidays, weekends, part time wouldn’t work for me at all.

The benefit is a healthy, well mom who's got enough on her plate solo parenting a small child and is allowed to need some time to herself. Put them in an extra day and give yourself permission to breathe

A secure roof over their head and mentally well parents are the best thing for a child

Nursery often has lots of benefits and is necessary for many families. But we've known for decades that the ideal scenario for children in their first 3 years of life is to be cared for by the same one or two people for the majority of the time. That's basic It's fine to provide the OP with reassurance but we don't need to lie about the data.

The stage you're in now is really really awful. I remember frantically applying for full time jobs so I didn't have to spend as much time with DD - I was PT like you. Not everyone enjoys being with small children, even their own!

Attachment theory doesn't mean being attached to them all the time. It means nurturing their feeling of confidence and security by being attentive and consistent and responding to their needs.

I really wish I'd had the opportunity to put her in for an extra day a week and have a break. Some people have family support which means they can do this.

Is there something like a leisure centre crèche nearby? Ours did up to two hours of childcare at a time so I'd book mine in for two hours then go and sit on the cafe and read a book!

Same here. What counts more is the quality of the time you do spend with them. We were lucky to be able to have long holidays but even during the working week, we spent good time with them doing stuff when not at work

Only from the age of 3. Despite this I think that OP should send her child to nursery as it will clearly be of benefit to her.

Sorry thought I'd quoted Catza on p.1

Go back to full time work and send him 5 days nursery. He'd be absolutely fine!

I've been doing this with my 2yo over the last few months. Initially I upped the day so I could work, but then the work dried up, and we can afford the extra day so I've just kept him in. I use it for housework and laundry mostly but it also means I can usually do a workout as well. I have to collect my eldest from primary school at 3pm but until then it's so nice to have a quiet house and just crack on. It also means we don't have to do all the housework on the weekend so we can spend more time together as a family actually doing things.

A few of my friends work 3 days a week and put their child in nursery an extra day. I do not blame them!

There's lots of evidence nurseries aren't as good for children as being at home with primary caregivers before about age 3. And lots of the supposed "benefits" of nurseries are based on comparisons against more deprived children growing up in homes with poor parenting & lack of resources, where a well run nursery made lead to better outcomes.

However this doesn't mean its a vast impact. A child who is settled in a well run nursery, with low staff turnover and a clearly identified key worker who doesn't have too many named children and forms a proper bond with them, is going to be fine.

A less well run nursery will be worse.
Signs of a nursery that will be a less optimal environment for an under 3:

• high staff turnover
• ratios relying on high numbers of the youngest staff who are under 21 so they can be paid less than full minimum wage, and relatively few more experienced staff
• reliance on lots of "bank" staff filling shifts with unpredictable staffing
• a system where only a handful of senior staff are named as key people, and each has 10+ children and there's no effort to ensure each child's key worker is a genuine primary care giver for them.
• lots and lots of part time staff only doing half the day or 2 days a week etc so your child is cared for by a lot of different people over the course of a week

So I voted YANBU because raising a child is the hardest thing I have ever done and I was so desperate for help that she was in nursery before I was even back at work. Unless you have a lot of reliable support, days on end of non stop round the clock care is not possible.

Massive respect for those going it alone or who can't afford to pay for support (in whatever form that may be). Do what makes your life easier, it doesn't mean you love your little one any less xx

It's not shaming, breast feeding is better for babies and being with their main carer till 3 is best for kids - it's just fact and very well known.

OP, if it's making you unhappy there's no point forcing yourself to do it. If your little one is happy at nursery then have a day to yourself. Having a little one is relentless and you'll be a better mum on the other days if you get a break. Can you afford to do it?

It's not shaming, breast feeding is better for babies and being with their main carer till 3 is best for kids - it's just fact and very well known.

You're oversimplifying, it's not scientific like breast milk vs formula, if the mother is miserable and sticking the child in front of CBeebies with carrot sticks for hours on end I find it hard to believe that would be preferable over a stimulating and nurturing environment in nursery. I can absolutely believe that an engaged SAHP, happy, not stressed, cuddling and playing with a baby is preferable over nursery, but judge me all you want, that is not the parent I can be and I whole heartedly believe nursery was the best place for my children (especially as I was recovering from PND which I only managed getting back to work).

People get so obsessed with this debate in the pre school years, but when you look at kids in primary, high school and beyond, I bet you'd have a hard time telling which ones went to nursery and which ones didn't.

Internet searches will be generic and not personalised to your situation.

If you need the extra time away from your child do it! Being a parent is full one and if your mental health improves as a result that’ll also benefit your child.

Not only have I seen a nursery and had two kids in one from 9 months, I also had one who never went.

They're all as chilled as each other, none of them can remember the time before school anyway. Sure if you find your child doesn't like it then look for a different childcare setting. But for my experiment of three children, it had no downsides and plenty of upsides.

Any possibility of working four short days instead of three long ones, and having him in nursery on that pattern? You might find that pattern less intense than having two long days with him, and that way he wouldn't have to be in nursery for more hours overall. Obviously it might not suit your work though.

Sorry I just have to come in here, because I see this thrown around all the time and it's just factually wrong - not being able to remember something in early childhood bears absolutely no correlation to whether or not something will affect you. Babies taken from their mothers at birth won't remember the event, but it absolutely does affect them. Forming a secure attachment for the first 3 years is pivotal for your ability to form secure, trusting, healthy relationships later in life, even though you won't remember most of the first 3 years of your life.

I'm not saying that there aren't many scenarios where nursery is best, nor that a child can't form a secure attachment if they attend childcare settings. Just that "remembering" something is completely irrelevant to whether or not it will cause long-term trauma or difficulty, and we need to stop banding this untruth around.

Just do it. Mine had to go to nursery as babies (main earner) and they loved it and they're fine - age 19 and 9. I've heard separation anxiety kicks in at 7-8 months which might account for the sudden stress in babies between 1 and 2 who start nursery then and find it a shock at first. But mine started younger and took it on their stride.

Although they had to go out of necessity I couldn't have done the SAHM thing even part time. Fair play to those that do but it really wasn't for me!

The internet also makes people think they sre dying if they Google ‘headache’. It’s full of rubbish.
Do it OP. Happy kid, fulfilled mum. Nothing to lose. Hanging around at home is boring - I couldn’t do it! Love our weekends and holidays, but also love work (and kid loves his nursery).

To add to this, I find it hard to imagine that any nursery with a rotation of carers provides a good environment for a baby.

My 16 month old daughter goes to a childminder four days a week while I work. I still worry about her attachment, but she calls out the name of her childminder - likes her, trusts her, I know and have checked the references of exactly who is looking after my child.

When I have a second I'm going to switch to a nanny. But imo I can't see how a nursery provides a good environment for babies - nursery workers are only required to have a DBS check. That's all

But anyway, my thoughts on nurseries aside... OP you should definitely up another day of childcare if it's what's best for your family. It's important that you're a happy mum too, and plenty have to sort five day a week childcare, in fact I'd say it's usual for most mums

It's not "the internet". It's decades of very well-established research in child psychology and development. Not saying nursery is necessarily bad, but don't start tarnishing the scientific literature.