To say portrayals of motherhood have become too negative?

[Mushroo]

Im coming to the end of my maternity leave, and it has been the best year of my life. Yes there have been hard days (and less sleep!), but overall, it’s the most content I’ve ever been. I love my LO so much, I feel like I have a real purpose and I look forward to everyday with her. It’s really been a blessing.

Now I’m not naive enough to think that it will stay like this, but so far, having a baby is by far the most rewarding and best thing I’ve ever done.

However, I very nearly didn’t have her! I’m a classic ‘high achiever’ - top uni, grad scheme, great job. All I’ve heard for years is how hard babies are, how you’ll never sleep again, it’ll ruin your body / life / freedom / career. Lots of blogs and tv shows about the relentlessness of parenting. No one really seemed to have anything positive to say.

For years and years I was terrified and even though I thought I wanted kids I kept delaying as it seemed there were limited positives to the early years.

Even when pregnant I thought I’d made a mistake as the rhetoric that your life is over is so strong and I was dreading a year off work with a screaming baby. I saw it as something to get through and then I would hopefully enjoy having an older child.

I actually now wish I’d had babies earlier and can’t believe I nearly didn’t have her. (Of course, if I hadn’t, I’m sure I’d have still had a great life!)

I know my experience isn’t universal and I’m extremely lucky, and lots of people do struggle, but AIBU to say that more people should talk about how great having children is? I spent years just hearing the negatives, and actually, for me, it’s been amazing and that never really gets spoken about?

I know a lot of people will say that the positives are inherently obvious, but for me they weren’t and I’ve been really surprised.

It probably helped I went in with very low expectations, and the negative / realistic portrayal are super important as it’s definitely not easy, but we shouldn’t hide away the positives?

It depends on the child I find I enjoyed my first 4 but my 5th was horrendous and just screamed every moment he was awake for 9 months straight I did NOT enjoy having him at all , my 6th is an absolute dream and just a joy to be around .
The teenage years though ........ dear.me

I think sometimes it is perception . I loved been a mum it was challenging - we left my abusive ex who I only recognised behaving this way once Ds was born , Ds had jaundice , so was woken every three hours for first 3 weeks.. they also think he had a milk intolerance . He also has adhd and it took me years to realise my baby doesn’t sleep was not by baby doesn’t sleep I have just had a really rough night been up 4/ 5 times not my baby hasn’t slept more than 10 minutes at a time.

however we did bond really well . I did water babies and a music class and definitely it was the making of me .

i do think having a baby isn’t all bad or good .

no two babies are the same I am glad it’s been a good experience for you .

Yes maternity leave was the best thing ever, done it twice now and was sooooo easy compared to juggling work and 3 children (2 of them twins) but even though I had no sleep for 13 months and running around after my first with twins in tow I absolutely loved it and still do even working 4 days a week as a head of school. (And life is crazily busy) I didn’t have mine til later in life and so glad I had time to go out with just me and hubby but we are so content as a family of 5 and wouldn’t change it. (Maybe apart from the working bit if one of us could afford to stay at home we certainly would to stop the rushing) but yes motherhood is portrayed so negatively especially with twins. All the comments I get it must be so hard etc etc, yes sometimes it is when they run off in different directions but generally I love every minute with all of them and they are a good bunch. My 7 year old is amazing company too (most of the time): enjoy your time with your Baby and it does keep getting better!

I felt like this with my first daughter, I loved spending every day with her, going to baby groups, meeting in the local pub garden with other mum and our babies, loved being a mum and the new confidence that came with it. Then I had 2 more 😂 So 3 under 5. I still love being a mum, but it isn’t as floaty and idyllic as that first year with baby 1. It just feels like a lot of time management and arguments now, they’re 7, 5 & 3! So yes 1 baby, 1 year for me - great! But it is more hectic and stressful now.

I was an older mum, had my two later due to consuming professional career and continuous post graduate exams and shift work.
Neither were easy babies, at all, didn’t sleep, etc.
Very difficult birth for the first with big postnatal challenges both times.
BUT… I agree with you. I loved my maternity leave so much and I felt that despite all my academic and professional achievements, nothing compared to motherhood. They are both primary school age and I still love it. I am working full time in a very varied career but being a mum still gives me more satisfaction and fulfillment than anything else. And like you, I almost didn’t go down this path either, due to lots of fear and also as I thought I wasn’t that maternal. My only regret is not doing it sooner and having more!!

I’ve been exactly the same! My LO is only 5 months but I’m also a high achieving professional, great social life and fit and active. Fell pregnant accidentally and fell heavily depressed believing my body and life was forever ruined. It’s been the best 5 months of my life and I’ve decided I want 1-2 more kids now. I truly feel so happy and while it’s not always easy, being a mother is so fulfilling and wonderful. Prbably helps that I chose to have an ELCS so avoided any birth injuries/trauma, have a fab job with a great maternity leave package and have an incredible husband and supportive family which has meant I’ve been able to exercise and socialise still - I appreciate this is incredibly privileged

People are more likely to post when having a bad day/ needing support and to hear they arent alone in what they are feeling than to say they're having a great time. It's valuable support mental health wise but everyone's experience is different

Different people struggle with different aspects of motherhood. Personally I love the baby phase and find it quite easy despite lack of sleep. But I have really struggled with having a pre-schooler. Likewise I’ve never felt like I’ve lost my identity but I can see why some would, I have lost a lot of free time, others don’t. Everyone’s experience of motherhood is unique and you are a bit naive if you thought it would just be like what you’d heard others complain about. But likewise don’t get to blasé and assume you’ve cracked it.

It also changes again when you have more than one, now I look back at when I had just one and think how did I not realise how easy I had it, but obviously it didn’t seem easy at the time.

Well, it largely depends on what kind of baby you have and how many children you have.

I think we just have to acknowledge that babies can be so different.

My 1st was easy and my 3rd is very easy, too.

Whereas my 2nd screamed 8 hours at a time to the point we took her to A&E.

Yes I had a colleague who was so so negative when I was pregnant it actually worried me. All about the birth horror stories, how miserable it is when they're babies. I was getting so down about it I spoke to some friends of my husband who had three kids. They gave me the upside and after that I felt a lot better! And I loved the baby years as well.

I'm happy for you that you had a nice experience but personally I hated every minute. I did t enjoy anything about babies or toddlers. I was retrospectively diagnosed with post natal anxiety, which may have been part of the problem. I happily tell anyone that will listen how hard it was as I think people need to know they are not alone or a failure if they feel like they are struggling.

In all honesty, if I could do my life again. I would not have kids. I love them to bits, they are my world & my life quite literally revolves round them. But I do think I would have been richer literally & figuratively, if I hadn't had kids.

I know how you feel OP. I felt almost like having a baby was a defeat - something our biological clocks were trying to get us to do, but that was ultimately somehow less than doing other things, and to have a baby was to "give in".

The reality is so different!! I LOVE having my two, not just because I love them, but because they are just fun to be around and do things with. I put my previous preconceptions down to the obsession with having a career / contributing to society, in the area / circles I grew up in. Conversely, I found working life to be (still fine, but) pretty underwhelming.

I've loved being a sahm to my 2 dcs. Loved all the baby classes and activities, filled every waking moment, explored all the family activities across London and took them to events and exhibitions too. It helps that DH had a long paternity leave so I had company for a lot of it. DC1 was in nursery when DC2 was born so I got to do a proper maternity year twice, focusing on the baby and having lots of one to one time. DC2 is 2 now and about to go to preschool so I get some time back to myself.

I'm lucky that both of them have been quite chilled about going out and visiting places, and for whatever reason we've been able to avoid too many tantrums, and not too much crying and screaming as young babies. We've just had lots of fun playing and teaching them about the world. They weren't great sleepers but have responded to training and I think biologically I don't suffer too much from sleep deprivation so I never felt too exhausted. It helps that financially we're comfortable so we can afford to do interesting classes and days out.

I felt people vastly overegged the negatives linked to babyhood, especially the sleep thing.
However, for me things became difficult when I had to go back to work - precisely because i had loved being with my kids. I wasn’t allowed to go part time as I was ‘too senior’ (!!) , and even once I finally managed it, it was difficult as I took a career slow track…. Whilst at the same time being very unhappy as I wanted to be with my children a lot more than I was able to. I felt torn, and like I wasn’t doing anything the way i would have wanted to. I felt that for about 10 years. It’s only now they are older that I feel less unhappy about this.
I really think motherhood is great when you can focus on it - less great , for some
of us at least, when it has to be combined with other obligations, and especially a demanding job.

For me I loved having one child and at your point was happy and found it all manageable. I found one toddler a bit harder

a toddler and a new baby was much harder

a baby with two other young children even more so. And a toddler and two other children was when I really struggled.

And by this point I had been in nappies, breastfeeding, limited time to myself, interrupted sleep for 10 years which is very different from a few months. So if I told someone it was hard, I would not be exaggerating. People get ground down over time.

it’s not one universal experience and peoples experiences can vary massively for so many reasons

I really think motherhood is great when you can focus on it

And I would have been miserable if I'd been forced to "focus on it".

This is not something you can solve with sweeping pronouncements based solely on your own experience.

Motherhood is both amazing and challenging at the same time and massively dependent on how easy your baby is and how much support and financial security you have. I think that any posts that polarise a ‘general experience’ or criticise other women’s perspectives on it are unhelpful.

I found motherhood an absolute joy which is the opposite to how I saw my mother raise us, I suspect this could be influenced by the fact I lived a full life beforehand in terms of travel and exploration of myself socially plus my DS was a miracle baby who turned out to be an easy joyous kid to parent so as pp have said it's all down to personal experience.

I too found my first year of motherhood an absolute breeze
I had a relatively easy pregnancy too but a traumatic ish birth but not one that would put me off another!
I had a baby who never slept but other than that fed great (ebf) was content and weaned (blw) well
but I found it was infinitely more difficult/ challenging when

a) i returned to work - I can't express enough how hard the juggle is and also the guilt oh the guilt!

b) baby got older and needs changed and needed "managing" and "parenting " rather than just feeding and burping

And c) had more kids and then the juggle and the feeling of being stretched increased further

I think each stage of parenting is rewarding and challenging and different experiences range widely and yes i agree many mums inflate their so called challenges to either justify doing a shitty job (yes I said it !) or as some sort of humble brag about how difficult it was but they did it etc

im thinking things like
#boymom
and
oh you had girls boys are harder as they're feral etc to excuse literally terrible behaviour that goes rampantly unchecked
#twinmom - yes I get twins are twice the work but so are 2 close in age and in some ways more so because they are still in needy ages but also aren't at the same stage so you can't have 1 routine for both etc
#2under2
#workingmum
#sahm
etc etc etc

its a complete journey

personally i love the toddler phase that are just chaotic but so so loving but i find age 5 and baby stage the easiest 🤣even with collic babies and 8-9 is so far my greatest challenge

I think everyone's experience is so different and there's both positive and negative. It's wonderful that you have enjoyed the experience so much. I found my maternity leave extremely hard. I was not sleeping at all and my son cried so much I had to wear ear plugs every day to cope with the noise. There were lovely times and it's definitely gotten easier as hes getting older but I found the first two years horrific.

The problem is, there are so many unknowns and so many aspects of parenthood are down to luck and chance.

If you have a single, healthy baby who sleeps well, you're likely to have a much better experience than someone raising a high needs baby, or twins, or a baby who needs constant medical care. And it's not like the parents of the "difficult" babies have done anything bad or wrong - it's all down to chance.

I also think raising a baby when you're at home on full-time maternity leave is very different to working full-time with a toddler (or two). It's great you've had an amazing first year, but things can change in the blink of an eye.

But there have always been women who did just have babies because it was expected and not because they wanted them. My own mother had five of us and hated every moment of parenthood- I knkw because she said it frequently throughout our lives. She only kept having babies because she didn't want to work. It didn't matter to her that we were brought up in total poverty because of her choice.

Two of us went onto not have children. For me it was a combination of infertility due to cancer treatment but also because I just didn't want children. I don't value the "family" as in mum, dad, children. I haven't a maternal bone in my body and don't enjoy the company of children. I've never met half my nieces and nephews and the ones I have met I find tedious and boring.

Seriously, do you really want someone like me having kids just because one day I "might" value this thing I've spent most of my life rejecting?

I would wait a few years before making these comments... You might have another baby which does not sleep, you might struggle to manage work and kids, paying for childcare, sleepless nights, terrible 2s, etc. I have two kids and found out that they are different so people might have very different experience (i.e. one has been so easy, the other has been very difficult). And some people adapt more easily to having a family.

I really hate this kind of 'just you wait' comment. Mine are teens, I have 2, one is autistic and I'm still waiting. They are fab. The big bad wolf isn't always lurking around the corner, there isn't a need to be looking over your shoulder waiting for bad things to happen or for things to get hard.

PP didn't say anything about waiting for bad things to happen.
Merely that one year of parenthood isn't enough to claim that everyone is simply being negative.