To say portrayals of motherhood have become too negative?

[Mushroo]

Im coming to the end of my maternity leave, and it has been the best year of my life. Yes there have been hard days (and less sleep!), but overall, it’s the most content I’ve ever been. I love my LO so much, I feel like I have a real purpose and I look forward to everyday with her. It’s really been a blessing.

Now I’m not naive enough to think that it will stay like this, but so far, having a baby is by far the most rewarding and best thing I’ve ever done.

However, I very nearly didn’t have her! I’m a classic ‘high achiever’ - top uni, grad scheme, great job. All I’ve heard for years is how hard babies are, how you’ll never sleep again, it’ll ruin your body / life / freedom / career. Lots of blogs and tv shows about the relentlessness of parenting. No one really seemed to have anything positive to say.

For years and years I was terrified and even though I thought I wanted kids I kept delaying as it seemed there were limited positives to the early years.

Even when pregnant I thought I’d made a mistake as the rhetoric that your life is over is so strong and I was dreading a year off work with a screaming baby. I saw it as something to get through and then I would hopefully enjoy having an older child.

I actually now wish I’d had babies earlier and can’t believe I nearly didn’t have her. (Of course, if I hadn’t, I’m sure I’d have still had a great life!)

I know my experience isn’t universal and I’m extremely lucky, and lots of people do struggle, but AIBU to say that more people should talk about how great having children is? I spent years just hearing the negatives, and actually, for me, it’s been amazing and that never really gets spoken about?

I know a lot of people will say that the positives are inherently obvious, but for me they weren’t and I’ve been really surprised.

It probably helped I went in with very low expectations, and the negative / realistic portrayal are super important as it’s definitely not easy, but we shouldn’t hide away the positives?

I disagree because a generation of influencers seem to be promoting motherhood like it is the easiest and most desirable thing in the world. There are about a million TikTok videos of people showing off their huge families, who are clearly all wealthy. Or depict very loving and close couples, brought even closer by the prospect of a new baby. Sickening really.

I agree though with with one now an adult it changes to you'll have forgotten how bad it all was.

I'm not saying it's for everyone or that everyone enjoys it - but say anything positive and you'll get comment like just you wait - or that's not everyone experience - even if you stated that.

It's odd - it s huge gamble and very individual experiences - but some of us enjoy it yet even here a site which started out a parenting site that needs to be dismissed.

Being a mum is a choice and at the same time part of natural human process. I'd avoid give too much meaning like it's rewarding, positive or negative experience. One thing for sure for me is it does completely changed my life and opened a new chapter in my life. It is a responsibility. I don't complain about responsibility because it's something I have to do. I don't specifically enjoy the responsibility either because I feel physically tired.

And the OP didn't claim that everyone was 'simply being negative'.

Hi Op,

seems these replies have a slight edge of jealousy 🥴. I agree with you, similar situation great job, high earner etc I was dreading it to be honest but I’ve loved it too. Xx

My first two were worlds apart. Had a difficult pregnancy with my first but a breeze of a maternity leave, and the second was an easy breezy pregnancy but an incredibly difficult first year. I couldn't give her to anybody to hold as she just screamed and screamed (even her own father!) and she hated car journeys (more screaming) which was an issue as we live quite rurally.

yes I can second this, first baby first year was the best time of my life, the best I ever felt I was in an absolute utter love bubble.

Second baby was in Covid and was very poorly first 2 years of life and this was the worst time of my entire life- complete contrast. I’ve come out of the other side second child is 4 now

I am expecting no 3, I am wishing for a good experience again but I also know everything doesn’t go to plan, but I also know things will Be ok in the end and I feel far more mentally resilient than ever before x xx x x

I agree! I love love love having a baby. And a toddler. And every age tbh! But yes, year 1 is magical.

It depends on the baby, high needs/spare income/support network etc.

I loved my Mat Leave, my son was a dream and I did loads of clubs, coffees and my friend was on mat leave when he was 6 months so had an amazing time.

toddler years I found way harder and much more effort - literally. They don’t stop but have zero self preservation so it’s basically death prevention for quite a period of time. Eyes back of head. Long gone are the potatoes days of maternity.

He has just turned 7 now and this is hands down the best age for me. Love it so so much. He’s his own little person, see him learning everyday, he’s still so excited about pretty much everything as he hasn’t ’grown up’ into being super self aware just yet. He’s getting there, this age are defo more aware of peers and being like their peers. Just love this age it’s amazing.

I’m really glad that has been your experience. In my opinion though it’s generalisations - portraying just the positives or the negatives of any experience - that are unhelpful.
Ultimately we are all different - different personalities, priorities, financial means, support networks.. So many variables come into play to help determine how someone experiences motherhood that it’s hard to predict how a particular individual will take to it.
I shared some of your characteristics- quite career driven, low expectations.. but things panned out differently to you. Although it took me a while to admit it, my year of maternity leave was probably the worst year of my life, mainly because my mental health went to pieces. It took me about 3 years to feel vaguely functional again.
When people ask, I’m honest about it. But not for one minute do I think they should be put off having children as a result because as you describe, lots of people have a wonderful experience!

I think you are very lucky. Not everyone has that experience either at the start or as they grow up.

I wish I had never had children. My first had silent reflux and I had no sleep for 2 years! And everyone kept saying this phase will pass. And I thought yes - it must get better. Had 2nd because I had siblings and in my head kept thinking things will improve, we will start having a family life like everyone else….but no. Each phase just got worse. And the second just repeated all the same phases….

My kids they have a plethora of acronyms between them - ADHD, ASC, anxiety and sensory issues. I don’t get through a week without being dragged into school to be told what they’ve done. We are onto 3rd schools! I can’t see how I or they are going to get through to senior school let alone to a point where they resemble a normal human being.

So to OP - very pleased for you. But not everyone has your experience and those with negative views might actually have a reason for it!

Wow - I’m shocked a mother can have so much resentment for their children that they say they regret having them! As for being ‘dragged into school’ they are your children, the school are within their rights to involve you. I really hope your poor kids don’t hear you talk this way, it is not their fault that they have additional needs they deserve love.

People who express views like yours are such a problem, people feel how they feel. They don’t need to be guilted about it. How about showing some empathy for the mother and the children?

There is so much chance that in what child you get from their health to personality and your own health can change too. For so long mothers were expected to just be grateful and I am happy things are not the same now.

I think there is a difference between being honest about struggling and seeking support to saying you regret having your children. From the tone of the post I just hope she doesn’t say these things to her children.

Your experience is also not necessarily typical. Many people cannot take long off or if they do are financially struggling or may not have good support around them. Having a blissful maternity leave may be easier to achieve if you have a supportive spouse and family and no financial worries plus you may have a relatively contented baby. Having post natal depression is not a choice it is a real medical condition.

There are so many variables. The negative stories are because many women do struggle. I still however think that the positive portrayal is more prevalent still leading to women who struggle feel they are failing somehow.

FTMaz
Do you have a child with additional needs?

Hi
No I do not. Im assuming you are asking me this so that you can tell me that I can not ’judge’ someone in that case….so essentially you’re concluding that it’s okay to wish you hadn’t had your children if they have additional needs.

It is understandable to wonder whether you made the right decision. It doesn't mean someone doesn't love their children. If you have not lived that life it is incredibly difficult to imagine how far removed it can be to yours. I love my two to bits and in many ways think I have been a brilliant mum. I have delivered the same level of care that a toddler would require for my children for twenty two years. Wondering whether my life would have been better as a childless woman is normal if you had the slightest inkling of what my life has been like. Whilst my children bring me joy they have also brought and continue to cause me heartache.

This is perfectly reasonable…I think most women wonder what life they would have had without their kids. I sometimes miss my life pre children but I would never wish I never had them….

I could have written every word of this. I feel deep anxiety when I think about how close I came to deciding not to have kids and how my 11 mo baby girl might not have been in my life.

I spent 20+ years studying and building a successful career as an academic but my baby is hands downy greatest achievement. My year of maternity leave is nearly up and I’ve never felt so content (also loads of negative emotions and lots of stress but they take a backseat).

I was terrified my whole pregnancy, I had serious pre-natal depression and anxiety due in large part to the constant barrage of people telling me “your life will never be the same”, “you won’t be able to do things you used to love”, sleep deprivation, screaming babies, poopie nappies etc. I only had one person in my circle telling me how much joy a baby would bring. She told me that of course things will be different, but that I won’t care because I’ll have this beautiful baby to share things with.
i was also really scared about breastfeeding and only heard stories about how painful it is and it contributed to my anxiety but in the end I didn’t have any trouble with it.

Parenting is hard, but more positive stories would have had a huge impact on my pre-baby mental health.

I am thr same as you, didn't want kids, high achiever, had a list of reasons I thought being a mum would suck. I now love being a mum to my boy and enjoy every second. I've adapted to the non sleeping and way of life. However.....I do not take for granted that my son is an easy baby and that not every baby or every mum is the same and it can be a totally different situation for everyone. For example, I get full maternity pay for 6 months so we have no financial worries can do all the activities we want and can take off a full year without any issue. It would be very different if I couldn't afford to do all that stuff and I imagine very lonely.

Count yourself lucky that you can't even begin to imagine what a SEN parent has to go through, to jump on them for posting their private thoughts on an anonymous form. @cansu does far more for her kids than you ever will for yours. And long after yours have flown the nest and are living independent lives, hers are likely to still need a lot of support. You can't compare yourself to her.

Firstly you have no idea about my life or what hardships I do or do not have so your reply is silly. Once again then, you are saying it’s okay for a person to wish they never had their children because they have SEND? I think saying you find it difficult or you need support is reasonable but wishing you never had them is cruel.

Yes it's absolutely OK. People cannot control their feelings. They feel what they feel. If your life truly has had such 'hardships' you should know that. And it's ironic that you call my reply silly for not knowing about your life, when you have done the same to PP. You don't know about their life but still chose to comment.

When someone gives that level of dedicated care to their kids it's very obvious that they love them, no matter what they choose to say on an anonymous online forum. Again, emphasizing this part. The dictionary definition of cruel is 'causing pain and suffering to others' - how exactly has PP's statement caused any pain and suffering? It's only you judging her which has no bearing on her kids, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't say this to her kids or even anybody else in IRL. Except for other people who know what it's like.

If you want to point fingers and find something cruel, maybe start with the authorities who have defunded SEN education and resources so much so that kids and parents are at breaking point, and there are record levels of young people out of work due to disabilities. Or maybe you know judgy people like yourself.

I work in education and I absolutely agree with you, the underfunding of SEND provision is appalling, as are the ‘specialist’ facilities provided for children with needs, they are unfit for purpose. I empathise with anyone with a child who has additional needs, diagnosed or undiagnosed. The families suffer and the children suffer that is not in doubt. I think I feel the way I do because I have a close friend whose child has Down’s syndrome, ASD and is non-verbal and I see the love and care she provides for him, with the support she can get I find it worrying that someone would say they wish they hadn’t had their child. I accept everyone’s situation is different but to me that is a shocking thing to say..even on an anonymous forum. I do also think it’s quite offensive to other parents of SEND children.

As someone who works in education I also feel that saying ‘ dragged into school’ paints you in a certain light, like you can’t be bothered to attend to their child when they’re in school. Parents are still parents even during school hours.

ultimately if you post on here you’re opening yourself up to comments…whether positive or negative. It seems that if you’re a Mum who enjoys being a parent like OP you get attacked whereas if you openly say you can’t stand it you get supported. Strange.