To say portrayals of motherhood have become too negative?

[Mushroo]

Im coming to the end of my maternity leave, and it has been the best year of my life. Yes there have been hard days (and less sleep!), but overall, it’s the most content I’ve ever been. I love my LO so much, I feel like I have a real purpose and I look forward to everyday with her. It’s really been a blessing.

Now I’m not naive enough to think that it will stay like this, but so far, having a baby is by far the most rewarding and best thing I’ve ever done.

However, I very nearly didn’t have her! I’m a classic ‘high achiever’ - top uni, grad scheme, great job. All I’ve heard for years is how hard babies are, how you’ll never sleep again, it’ll ruin your body / life / freedom / career. Lots of blogs and tv shows about the relentlessness of parenting. No one really seemed to have anything positive to say.

For years and years I was terrified and even though I thought I wanted kids I kept delaying as it seemed there were limited positives to the early years.

Even when pregnant I thought I’d made a mistake as the rhetoric that your life is over is so strong and I was dreading a year off work with a screaming baby. I saw it as something to get through and then I would hopefully enjoy having an older child.

I actually now wish I’d had babies earlier and can’t believe I nearly didn’t have her. (Of course, if I hadn’t, I’m sure I’d have still had a great life!)

I know my experience isn’t universal and I’m extremely lucky, and lots of people do struggle, but AIBU to say that more people should talk about how great having children is? I spent years just hearing the negatives, and actually, for me, it’s been amazing and that never really gets spoken about?

I know a lot of people will say that the positives are inherently obvious, but for me they weren’t and I’ve been really surprised.

It probably helped I went in with very low expectations, and the negative / realistic portrayal are super important as it’s definitely not easy, but we shouldn’t hide away the positives?

I had my first DC when doing really well in my career and, while I adored him, the monotony of early child rearing was hard for me. With my second three years later I absolutely loved it.

After that I worked almost full time for the next decade until I was able to scale things back as my DH's business took off and we paid off our mortgage.

I've now been a SAHM since 2018 and it's the happiest I've ever been. Never thought I'd be this person but, for me, finally putting myself last has, strangely, led to quite incredible contentment.

I tend to stay quiet about loving being a parent and having really enjoyed it. It's seen as smug and people who haven't enjoyed it so much can get touchy about it.

Mine are teens now, yesterday I had one it Italy and one at a friend's house and no one to cook for, no one to have those evening chats and laughs with and I felt really sad at the realisation that it's coming an end. Before I know it they will have flown the nest. Don't get me wrong I've got plans for when they leave and am looking forward to that but at the same time I'll miss them deeply. It hasn't always been plain sailing, one has asd and anxiety and the other is a teenage girl but it's been an absolute privilege to parent them, they are growing into awesome young adults. I've genuinely enjoyed every stage from the tiny sweet newborns to the funny, boundary pushing teens, they are a delight!

The world has changed towards a victimhood narrative. Many people no longer want to project themselves as resilient, happy and coping well - they want to show themselves as suffering. Social media sympathy is easier to acquire than congratulations, especially when you need to be living the high life to look good next to influencers.

Bigging up your struggles as a parent is a race to the bottom on so many online communities.

My DC’s are 8 and 13 now and I’ve enjoyed every part of being a mum. I absolutely love it and wish I could have more children so I could do it all over again. It’s not always been easy but it’s so worth it. They’re absolutely the greatest thing that ever happened to me and my biggest achievements in life. I do understand that not everyone feels this way though for many different reasons. I’m glad you’re enjoying being a mum after having some apprehension about it all.

Au contraire most celebs who have babies not only crow about how great it was, they also bounce back and look perfect pretty quickly. O wouldn't take them and their army of nannies seriously.

It's difficult to understand what @Mushroo actually wants because there is plenty of positive content. 'Babies great' is still the default. Most of the world still thinks ia woman's primary purpose to reproduce. And the internet is so vast that you can find positive, negative or neutral content on any subject you choose .

If the OP was a high flying, partying travelling type and following a lot of that content she will obviously come across a lot of disappointment from people who need to scale back their lifestyles. Equally, given the insane cost of childcare a lot of people are choosing not to have kids and putting out content to justify their decision. Understandably so, since having kids is the default.

If the OP is in any way intelligent she'll look at the things that actually matter , from real people. I personally am more concerned about the high cost of childcare (more than a grand a month in my cheap part of Greater Manchester). The appalling treatment and birth injuries faced by women I know at the hands of the NHS. PND, special needs in kids, etc. The stalling careers of women who have defaulted to be the primary carers and are constantly off for kid illnesses etc.

All these are very real issues. What strangers on the internet opine is irrelevant and you don't even know whether it's true. I'm aware how ironic that statement is...

Dd1's first baby is due next week. Unfortunately she is a senior gynaecologist/ obstetrician and is very aware of what can go wrong. I think she has found it very stressful.

I mean, that's pretty understandable because she will be affected by what she has seen.

But surely on a rational level she must know that as a senior obstetrician she only attends the most complex births?

If she were a midwife she might have a different view.

I hope everything goes smoothly for her anyway!

I agree that victimhood is hot right now, social media is prone to the constant moaning about how hard it all is, mummy-needs-gin etc. It’s cool to complain.

I had severe PND so I didn’t have the average new motherhood experience. The first 18 months were truly horrific for me.
However, lots of people lose sight of the fact that babies grow up rather quickly. I have to say my 12 year old is my favourite person in the world. I have loved being a parent to a child. A baby, not so much, but my experience wasn’t typical.

I love parenting but you have to be a bit careful. There are at least 3 women that I work with who have been trying for a baby for a long time. I also know people who find it very tough. If I swanned around saying how much I loved having children it would be a bit insensitive.

I agree with you; just wait until your DC are teenagers - everyone tells you teenagers are awful. In my experience of two now grown up DSC, who each lived with us as teens, and two current teens they are great! We’ve had our ups and downs (reflux, lack of sleep, tantrums, exams, dodgy boy/girlfriends) over the years, but I’ve embraced it all and for the most part loved it. Toddler years were the hardest for me (SAHM with very active twins), but I still enjoyed it. I think you just have to remember that everyone’s experiences are different - I currently have friends going through hell with their teens and I really feel for them and know that could just as easily be us, and of course still might be at some point.

It sounds like your baby has been particularly easy and in my opinion, it's the return to work after maternity leave that is far more most stressful than looking after a baby when you are on mat leave.

If your DC is going to nursery, they will likely get constantly sick in the first year, and unless you have family nearby who can help, this creates a lot of stress in terms of having to juggle work and a sick child.

If you love it so much why are you going back to work?

I imagine, like most of us, it's because her rent/mortgage doesn't pay itself?

🙄

You had a girl (easier than boys) and youve you've 1....which is wayyyyy easier than more than 1. You're also just at the end of maternity leave. You're a Newby. Give it time. The hard work is still to come. You've just done the easy stage where the worst part is sleepless nights.

Not that successful then.

My son was WAY easier that daughter. I’ve never heard anyone say girls are easier.

I remember feeling contented when I had one. I found it easy.
I never felt that again when I added to our numbers.

I don't know. I've been open and honest with my daughters about the realities of parenthood for women. I feel I owe it to them.

It was the worst year of my life…

I feel exactly as you do OP! I move in high achieving circles, and all I heard was how awful it would be.

I LOVED it! And it was so much easier than my job tbh - which also involves sleepless nights. Having babies is so much fun - I've told everyone because I feel like I was so cheated by everyone telling me how awful it would be. I was so, so nervous during my first pregnancy.

I even found silly superficial things were better than I expected like everyone joked that your vagina would be ruined after birth - mine went right back to normal. It was so tight we struggle to have sex the first time we tried after birth. I know that's probably TMI but I've genuinely been shocked at how awfully/ruinous everything was portrayed to me about having a baby. My DC have made my life so much better :)

Thank you for your lovely post- it was so refreshing to read.
I had my 2 children in the late 80’s and early 90’s so they are in their 30’s now.
We didn’t have a lot of money in the early years so that made things a bit stressful, but overall I loved it.
My eldest daughter (36) was keen to have children and has a 2yr old now but the younger one (31) is slightly horrified at the prospect of having children, although does talk about it. I think she sees a lot of unhappy mothers around her.
There has been no pressure from me as having children is a lot of hard work and you won’t enjoy it in a half hearted fashion but the joys certainly outweighed the tough days IMO. I will show her your post. Thanks

I love this post. I had a baby 22 years ago, unplanned, at the age of 28. So not a disaster as i had a partner and wasn't really young. None of my friends had kids. I was dreading it as I had never been arounds kids. Just thought they were annoying noises on public transport. I was expecting hard work but I hadnt thought how fun it would be, how rewarding and didn't realise I would love my kids so much. Even when the 2nd (planned) child arrived and never slept for 2 years i loved the journey of bringing them up. Teenagers waking me up drunk at 2am, their mates coming in and out of the house etc
Yes it's tiring sometimes and financially tough but if you embrace the madness and dont need an immaculate house it is amazing

This is the type of doom mongering I’m guessing 🤔

This is so bizarre because I've always wanted kids and before I had them literally everyone told me how awful it would be.

Then they tell child free people how wonderful it is! Why are people like this 😂

And everyone who told me it's awful were wrong - for me it's been like manufacturing your own best friends

On the contrary to your experience, I was hoping I would enjoy and understand the joys of motherhood. Instead, I ran back to work 6 months after my child was born. It was probably the worst year of my life. I wish more people in my circle told me how hard it is.

It's not an even playing field. Some people have more challenging circumstances than others, from conception to independent adults.

On reflection, I think this is very true and your circumstances (health, money, family support, relationship) will vastly affect how you experience motherhood.

Also, people experience things differently. I have a friend that has not had a single evening away from her baby, now 19 months. Never. Will not entertain the idea of a babysitter, doesn't give a shit about the birthdays and socials she is missing. She LOVES being with her little one and once she finishes work at 5, the only thing she wants is to go home and be with her baby. There are women who would view that as madness and who really need the mental break from their kid once in a while.

On balance, I feel it's a good thing to be able to hear honest views.

I don't just want to hear the fluffy stories of how amazing it all is and how natural it should all come to me because I have a vagina.