To say portrayals of motherhood have become too negative?

[Mushroo]

Im coming to the end of my maternity leave, and it has been the best year of my life. Yes there have been hard days (and less sleep!), but overall, it’s the most content I’ve ever been. I love my LO so much, I feel like I have a real purpose and I look forward to everyday with her. It’s really been a blessing.

Now I’m not naive enough to think that it will stay like this, but so far, having a baby is by far the most rewarding and best thing I’ve ever done.

However, I very nearly didn’t have her! I’m a classic ‘high achiever’ - top uni, grad scheme, great job. All I’ve heard for years is how hard babies are, how you’ll never sleep again, it’ll ruin your body / life / freedom / career. Lots of blogs and tv shows about the relentlessness of parenting. No one really seemed to have anything positive to say.

For years and years I was terrified and even though I thought I wanted kids I kept delaying as it seemed there were limited positives to the early years.

Even when pregnant I thought I’d made a mistake as the rhetoric that your life is over is so strong and I was dreading a year off work with a screaming baby. I saw it as something to get through and then I would hopefully enjoy having an older child.

I actually now wish I’d had babies earlier and can’t believe I nearly didn’t have her. (Of course, if I hadn’t, I’m sure I’d have still had a great life!)

I know my experience isn’t universal and I’m extremely lucky, and lots of people do struggle, but AIBU to say that more people should talk about how great having children is? I spent years just hearing the negatives, and actually, for me, it’s been amazing and that never really gets spoken about?

I know a lot of people will say that the positives are inherently obvious, but for me they weren’t and I’ve been really surprised.

It probably helped I went in with very low expectations, and the negative / realistic portrayal are super important as it’s definitely not easy, but we shouldn’t hide away the positives?

But who is doing this ‘portraying’ you complain of? Are you talking about media, literature, your friends? It seems a bit mad that you listened to a selection of overwhelmingly negative sources and appear to have prioritised them rather than consulting your own preferences and experiences.

We all know some parents have it harder with children with serious illnesses or disabilities. But IME it is middle class mothers who are most likely to complain about motherhood. Many seem to have expected their life to be unchanged.

@PollySolo why is it mad to do this? I heard from loads of mothers that you have no idea what it is like being a mother until you are one, you just can not imagine it. I do not think that is true, but that idea is pervasive and undermines individuals own feelings and thoughts.

"I was primarily thinking of the expectation (and necessity) for women to now be everything – career women, home educators, school event volunteerers/spectators, housekeepers … the list goes on."

This is a particular middle class take on motherhood. It is not how many mothers in Britain are or aspire to be.

You sound about 12 months in. I loved the baby stage too, but for many women it can be very hard.

I am now 6 years in with 2 children; 1 recently diagnosed with autism. This stage I am finding it extremely hard and I am burnt out. I am the lone parent of 2, one with additional needs. So many appointments to manage and I am barely able to hold onto my job.

I feel becoming a parent has brought me a lifetime of worry, and I am exhausted by providing the overall care.

I gather parenting is a like running a marathon. I had a great and happy start but for me, it feels like a long slog now. Relentless and I feel trapped by their needs and demands of me, with no escape.

Perhaps if you have good partner or family support, you might never get a negative space.

I would keep an open mind as to what lays ahead.

@MrsTerryPratchett I quite agree.

Motherhood is a marathon not a sprint and you're barely around the first corner.

It’s mad because everyone’s experiences of being a mother are individual. There’s no ‘standard’ motherhood. Just as your childhood or your marriage or the loss of your virginity or your phobias or your friendships or your thought processes etc etc aren’t identical to anyone else’s, so too with parenthood. Absolutely parenthood is a difficult or impossible thing to open usage until you’ve done it, by which time it’s irrevocable, but no one else’s experience, no matter how honestly shared, is the slightest guide.

Even taking the newborn stage as an example, variables include your health, your baby’s health, your MH, what country/culture you live in, your wealth, your physical environment, the amount of support you have, your experience with babies, your personality, your own experiences of being parented, your relationship with your partner if you have one etc etc.

I was the last of my friends who have children to have a child, and I joined Mn when I was pregnant, plus I read every parenting book I could find in three languages. Nothing in any way resembled my own experience.

Cobblers. Both my grandmothers were as working class (and poor) as you could get. Single mothers who both worked. I'm the first woman on both sides for three generations who had a child IN wedlock and took over a year off.

It's not a modern nor is it a middle class expectation. Working mums who do everything at home have always been common. Taking time off historically would have been more middle class, poor people couldn't afford it!

@MrsTerryPratchett My Mother and gran worked as well. My gran cleaned the local pub. She was not trying to be a career woman or a home educator. She went out to clean while her husband looked after my mum in the evening.

I agree. My maternity leave was the happiest time of my life. I'm back at work now and treasure the time I have with my baby even more. I think it has become trendy to moan about parenthood and I think mothers like scaring FTM about horror birth stories!

I don’t think being honest is ‘moaning’?

I look back on my SAHM years with great affection too. All the negatives, listed here and also by my own friends, colleagues (and mother - who went back to work very quickly because she had to) are true but did not make my experience feel negative.

I was grateful that my husband agreed that we should downsize our lives a bit to allow it and it was a struggle at times so then I did a bit of work to get us through.

I loved it - I didn't expect to but although all the negatives are there and I had no experience with children of the gender mine were - I now think that although all the negatives were constantly emphasised, no-one told me that I actually it was possible I wouldn't care about these things. I adored that time.

Not everyone is the same and I didn't expect to discover how happy my children made me either. I think there is no praise or blame appropriate - you will be who you are. I do think society should value stay at home parents (both mothers and fathers) more.

This is what is wrong with the world..

The feminist protocol that gets drilled in to us growing up... Be a Boss bitch.. don't have kids get a career in high profile places. make money

I'm very old fashioned in my views and people will hate me for it.. But men work and women stay at home...

I was bought up this way.. never understood it until I had my first child... I worked hard with pretty impressive people in jobs.. but nothing NOTHING could come close to how my life felt complete staying at home raising a child...

Xxx

I think for people who have them because they want them, it is easier. Others are pressured or don't think it through or find themselves pregnant unplanned probably find it harder with the responsibility of having a child and the limitations that entails. You obviously put a lot of consideration into choosing to have a chold, so I think that taking the extra time to reflect and make sure it was what you really wanted has probably benefited you.

I was always told having kids would be the best thing I’ve ever done, so quite the opposite really. Glad you’ve enjoyed your mat leave and enjoying motherhood, everyone’s experience is vastly different. Mine was tough, my exhaustion was battling with the joy of having my DD all of the time, she was a velcro baby, slept on me pretty much for a year, only now that she’s 2, and she is a bit more independent and sleeps through on her own, etc, I can say I truly enjoy motherhood.

I did like you, prepare for the absolute worst. I found it surprisingly easy, despite not being particularly maternal. My first baby was an actual dream, she had a spate of colic around 7pm for a few weeks at around 8weeks but that was the hardest part.

Breastfed easily from day1, got into a routine at 6weeks, slept from 10-6 from 10weeks onwards. I didn't dare mention this to other mums at playgroup. She was a lazy baby, happy to sit and watch everyone else, played nicely for ages. So easy, I took her to work with me after maternity leave, she played by my desk and napped with no issues. DD2 was fairly easy too and now they are teen/ preteen they've been great, I'm constantly waiting for the ball to drop being a natural realist.

There’s nothing wrong with you wanting to do that and choosing a man who agrees.

The problem is when you dictate that it’s what woman, full stop, should do.

People only hate the latter.

I was always told, oh you'll struggle,you'll hate it, its hard, mh first chikd was dxd t1 diabetic at 2y8months do that was hard andnhe has adhd too, hes almost 20 (next week) but I love motherhood and my kids. It was hard at first, I was 22 and single second time I was 30 and with my now partner, my daughter is 12 (last week) I think alot people tend to off load about their kids, but no one should have tried to put you off having them that's really unfair. I'm glad you're enjoying your time with her. Maybe You were ready in your life, which alot of people aren't. Maybe you can be the one to let others know how amazing mother hood is :)

If you real think ‘feminism’ is what’s wrong with the world, perhaps you should get out more and look around? Because your mentality isn’t much of an ad for SAHMs.

YANBU. It’s just the trend to be too cool for motherhood atm.

I agree OP.

My theory is there are 3 main reasons why people say all the negativities of parenting:

1. They feel like they’re bragging if they’ve had it easy. So they lie to ‘fit the crowd’.
2. They just spout off what everyone else says like parenting sheep because the ‘drama’ of having a hard time is more entertaining as a conversation than enjoying and finding parenting easy.
3. They genuinely had a hard time.

Not unreasonable at all. Being a parent is hard but I love it. I have 3 and would have a 4th if I was a bit younger and coped with pregnancy better. After mat leave I had to return to work full time (Also a high achiever, with a good job) however some days I wish it was the other way round.

I love being a mother and by and large I loved my kids' childhoods, all the different stages, though obviously some of it was hard - the illness years can seem never-ending! 2 till 9 or 10 was my favourite age.

And then we came to my NEXT favourite age (many on here are not yet old enough to have got to this point) - my daughters are adult now, one is married, one not, but we have wonderful times together. We sometimes take holidays together, we share some theatre and other interests, we make music as a family when they are both home. They support us if we need it (husband had a stroke last year: daughters and son-in-law shared the hospital trips, the after-care support, everything) and we support them too in any way we can.

We Whatsapp all day long with this and that. I would absolutely describe them as my best friends, though we aren't in each others' pockets the whole time.

I can't imagine how my life would be without them.

So many factors can play into your experience though. If you have one really easy baby, no health issues and a good support system then no doubt it will be a hugely positive experience.

I wouldnt want to be a mother in today's society.
Way too much pressure put on mums and dads to be perfect.
Too many people get involved its like like you cant raise a child how you want because of fear.
Parents so busy with working getting child care with nanys and GPs it like passing the child around all week.
Come the weekend and hoildays so many activities and clubs to keep the child busy so they dont notice the parents are not around sometimes a child just wants to spend time with the parents.
And then comes the SEN not all kids have it their just acting out.
And some wonder why a child will grow up and go NC.