Help me not overshare details with nosy school mother

[Primroseoil]

I am helping with a school coffee morning, one of the mothers on the rota with me is a complete alpha pita.

She constantly compares her child to mine, always wants to know what she is doing activities wise & school work wise.. Who my dd has playdate with etc.. Her dc is in my dds class & would be be top sets. I feel she only wants to talk to me when she wants information

I'm an oversharer & have in the past. Please give me tips on how to deal with this! And be kind!

Does anyone really have the energy to do this much play acting? It's a bit ott

I don’t understand why you don’t want to share how your daughter is getting on or what she is doing? She may just want to make small talk? I find that I talk a lot about the kids when I’m around the parents at a birthday party etc. Not to be nosy but just to get to know them, and the kids are a common ground.

Bloody autocorrect, had to edit it ot make sense

Completely agree, it's just chat

She's just making conversation, isn't she? Kids are the safe topic with school parents arent they?
I see I'm in the minority on this thread but I dont see the harm at all.

I’m pretty sure the OP can tell between harmless chitchat and a nosy parker!

There is a mum like this in my son’s class, so I know exactly what you mean OP. Unfortunately she has alienated the majority of the other parents with her intense questioning and competitive comments and her son doesn’t get included in many invitations now as people don’t want to put up with her at social gatherings.

I agree with all the polite but poi red rebuttals.
Do you always ask so many questions?
It's so boring to Constantly talk about the kids. Let's talk about something else.
I can't imagine what you need to know all of this for? Are you planning to kidnap her?
Sorry I'm on a self imposed ban on talking about the kids. I am trying to get back to finding my own interests outside of motherhood.
Etc etc etc

But if that fails, dig deep and blurt out, my child isnt really here for you to use as a measuring stick. I'm not sure what you are worried about but I'd rather you stopped asking all these intrusive questions.
And walk away. We need to be able to advocate for our children in their absence and if you can't do it for yourself do it for her. She's truly not there to make another adult feel better in any capacity so stand up for her!

Why are you asking?
Why do you want to know that?
Haha I thought that was a serious question for a minute, as if anyone would ask that.

Practise your tinkly laugh.

Agreed.

I was always taught to ask questions of another person so they felt included/interested when holding a conversation. Maybe she doesn’t know much else of you to be able to keep the conversation flowing.

surely it’s just good manners?

you could just tell her to speak to the teacher if she has concerns with her daughters learning 😂
something like “oh, I didn’t realise that your daughter was struggling in these subjects. Speak to the teacher and ask how you can help her more at home and what she needs to work on. But probably best not to get so worked up about it at the moment as you’ll probably find they’ll be amazing in one subject and then day dreaming in another”

I'd feed her a pile of lies 😂 lies that hit right to the point of her trying to figure out if it's a lie but it could be truth. Play her game

‘You ask very interesting and highly intrusive questions, why do you think that is?’ If she gets huffy about it just being a question, then point out questions she dodged.

overall just remember you’re adults now, and not in high school.

or, ‘I don’t need to talk about my child, let’s talk about you, what makes you tic, what are your deep dreams’

anyway. I’d avoid a person asking these questions. So if you’re avoiding her, and she’s avoiding you… less necessary talking!

combat discomfort with discomfort.

also there are polite personality types (you), and the rude ones that actually have to hear you say no.

and if you figure out how to get them to stop being weird let me know, I have a mother in law that is all kinds of inappropriate- like her family just lies to her, but I’m sadly too honest and it’s sooo weird.

She's making conversation but it does sound like she's also quite a competitive mum so I'd avoid giving any info about academic or sporting achievements. When people try to get info out of me (one wanted to know which book band my daughter was on) I play it cool....."yeah, I'm not sure which book band as we don't really pay attention to that, but she's doing well, likes reading, enjoying school etc" she had actually finished all the book bands before most other kids but no need to drop that in 🤣🤣. Wouldn't mind talking about activities they are involved in, that's just normal chat on a safe topic.....

Reporting back.. Thanks for all the replies... Basically when we sat down for a coffee, she sat near me & started firstly complaining about an activity both or dc's are involved in, she was complaining about favouritism. I replied I hadn't noticed which I didn't & changed the subject.. Then she'd divert back to activities & school, her eyes would glaze over when I asked about her weekend plans etc & again she steered the conversation to the kids...

@Primroseoil

Did she have a big wooden spoon with her. For Stirring?

You just evaded a classic competitive mum move on her part, well done.

Convo she was hoping for :
Her Primrose Oil did you notice any favouritism in DC's activity class?
You. What do you mean?
Her Well xyz... Don't you agree?

If you hadn't shut it down so firmly she would have been off doing the rounds telling people that Primrose Oil thinks DC activity has favouritism. Garanteed she'd be saying... "Primrose Oil was telling me all about the favouritism she sees in Activity class" probably telling other parents in the class that you'd thought that and hinting that it was their child. Result she looks great for confiding in them and they look askance at you.

I've met several mums in the past who have done exactly this and its always a bit of shock but it happens. So well done on evading it.

She didn't want to talk about her weekend plans because she thought that you might be asking to see if they measured up and she doesn't want to give anything away precious knowledge that might be to your advantage to know ( as if!)

You won't lose anything by steering clear of this Mean Girl.

Time to say 'Can I just stop you there?' and then don't say anything. People assume you have something to say, rather than you wanting them to stop talking.

🤣🤣🤣 Thanks for posting! To be honest I havn't noticed anything of the sort re the activity, parents aren't allowed in so I don't know how she can be definite that there's favouritism in the class!

I expect her DC goes home and says a certain child is favoured, so she’s fishing to see if your DC has complained about anyone…
Well done, people like her would put me off offering to help, or if placed with her I’d asked to swap and make some excuse for that particular time slot