Help me not overshare details with nosy school mother

[Primroseoil]

I am helping with a school coffee morning, one of the mothers on the rota with me is a complete alpha pita.

She constantly compares her child to mine, always wants to know what she is doing activities wise & school work wise.. Who my dd has playdate with etc.. Her dc is in my dds class & would be be top sets. I feel she only wants to talk to me when she wants information

I'm an oversharer & have in the past. Please give me tips on how to deal with this! And be kind!

Are you sure you’re not massively overestimating her level of interest? Who your daughter has play dates with is hardly hot gossip up there with the extramarital affairs of the royals.

look up grey rock and learn to button it

I think @theduchessofspork nailed it

She may just be anxious about how her kiddo measures up, especially if its a first child or she has some concerns

Meant to say parents of children who are excelling do not usually mention it as their child's attributes speak for themselves

The mum I knew like this was deeply insecure. In reception she used to ask.mw what reading book my child was on. I used to say whatever I could remember. Later on in primary she used to waffle on about the 'MAT table', desperate for me to ask what it was but I didn't.

This mum had an overbearing mother herself who had been a HT. I felt sorry for her in the end.

Just be vague and don't try to make her like you or your child.

I'd really give her something to gossip about.

"Who does your daughter have playdates with?"
"To be honest, I don't know where she is half the time; I assume she's at someone's house."

"How's your daughter doing in Maths?"
"Do they still teach Maths in schools?! How extraordinary! I thought it had gone out with Latin!"

That's what I'd do... but then, I'm a dick.

I have occasionally amused myself in similar situations by lying through my teeth in completely inconsistent ways.

‘Homework? Oh, is that what the journal is for?’

’Oh, I never allow play dates. I keep DS in a box at home when he’s not at school. Saves on laundry.’

‘DS takes his activities very seriously. He’s the only nine year old competing in Modern Pentathlon at the Paris Olympics.’

I'd assume she was insecure rather then competitive. I wouldn't be mean

In the meanwhile I'd work on setting in your own head what kind of information you consider to be over sharing, and then make sure you don't over share that information.

If it's generally that you are sharing too much and you feel it's unequal and wierd, I'd really keep circling back to questions for her rather than answering. It's a tough one though, if you're naturally a talker, but just keep asking questions back.

I really have never come across this calculated uber competitive parent stereotype. Most parents I know are just struggling to do the best for their kids and some have a bit more anxiety than others and go down the information seeking route. You are entitled to not like it though, I'd just be nice about setting boundaries.

'Here we go with the nosy questions! Can't you give it a rest?!'

I saw a TikTok the other day of a schoolgirl in the US that had a girl in her class that was copying everything she did, was trying to steal her boyfriend, etc.

On April Fools day she posted a very obviously AI generated photo of herself with a pink pixie cut saying she "fancied a change".

The next day she went into school and the other girl had dyed and cut her hair into a pink pixie cut! Then the original girl got yelled at by all the other girl's friends for "embarrassing her"!

So... tell the nosey mum that your child is planning a really radical hair cut and wait and watch...

"It's sooooo hard not to compare them, isn't it, but you really mustn't worry, I'm sure your little Tabitha is doing fine and will catch up soon."

Tell her you child has taken up one legged nose flute playing.

Don't miss the Alpha mum; thankfully too old for that now.

I had this with a volunteer couple a few years ago. I'd met them previously, but it hadn't seemed quite so intrusive then, but we were then stuck collecting for a charity and it was like I was a target. He ran out of questions and ended up asking me what I was putting in my sandwiches for a weekend event! At that point, I just said 'do you know that this feels like 20 questions?'. At that point he had the grace to look embarrassed and said that he had been told that before and he was sorry, he and his wife are just really nosy! It did stop after that and I was pretty impressed that he told the truth.

If I was feeling like I couldn’t say nothing I just prattling on but getting all the details wrong. Play dates? Yes, we have Bianca round most days, from the class, not a Bianca in the class, hmm is it Brittany? Beth? Ben? No you do know them, they have a yellow school bag, dads an admiral in the navy? Gets dropped off in a pink Jeep? You must know them. Was an angel in the navity, broke their arm at camp on and on and on talking shit

I would just say "I'm really pleased with how Bethany's doing, she's very happy at school, that's the best we can wish for, isn't it?"

Then move it on to something you're doing at the weekend or for a holiday, or a book you've read.

I would just say Oh, just the usual on repeat.

You sure she's not just trying to make conversation about a subject familiar to both, the info is hardly scintillating

Stop going, find a new coffee morning. Volunteer with a local charity or something.

Not only will you no longer have to deal with her but you get to enjoy the thought of how pissed off it will make her when you dissappear with no explanation and she doesn't know what you're doing now.

Extra satisfying if you make sure you always look smiling and breezy around her

Think about protecting your DD.
Any information you give might have no negative consequences at all. Might be sunshine and butterflies and rainbows all the way.
Or it could be used to manipulate friendships, lead to unwanted comparisons, whatever you tell this mother may be reinterpreted and shared with her daughter…there are no good sides to over-sharing so for the sake of your daughter, try and develop a bit of self-control.
Ive had parents rummaging through other children’s workbooks at parents evenings, looking to compare. Digging through book bags in order to see what reading level another child is on. All in a desperate flurry of wanting their child to be ‘better’ than their peers.
Just don’t. You’re an adult. Choose your words wisely and stop and think if what you are sharing is ok.

I have university age children. At school they were naturally academic, sporty and musical with solid friendship groups. They were a magnet for this type of alpha parent's Spanish inquisition behaviour directed at me. I started off people pleasing and answering questions when asked. Once I got a sense of the overcompetitive/nasty/bitchy undertone to it I decided I wasn't playing ball and would just say quite openly that I didn't like these types of conversations. I would say my DC were only small for a short time and enjoying them was my priority not really what other children were doing. It would stop it dead. Probably made a few enemies through it but no-one I would have cared to call a friend anyway.

This

'I like your top, where did you get it?'
Followed by 'I like your shoes, where did you get them?'
Followed by 'I like your coat, where did you get it?'
Followed by 'I've always admired your hair, who does it for you?'

Drives them nuts because they like the fact that you like and perhaps envy them for their lovely hair and shoes, but they don't want to tell you anything. If they say 'Gosh, what a lot of questions' you say 'Yes, I know, annoying isn't it?

If that doesn't shut them up the next time they ask you something personal you say 'Oh, you know — blah-de-blah-de-blah and all that'. (You actually say blah-de-blah). Smile knowingly and just carry on doing what you're doing.

If that fails, you just say: 'I find these personal questions of yours very intrusive. I have no intention of answering so please stop asking.'

I’m not sure I’d worry too much about offending her. I’d just tell her you’d rather not discuss other children (sleepovers/play dates etc).. or ask why she wants to know… especially since she’s coy about answering your questions! Or like others have said just be vague and say ‘I can’t remember’ ‘I don’t know’ ‘I don’t know why you need to ask that?’
or just be polite and say ‘she’s happy, we’re happy’…. And vague answers like that

Freddie collects rocks. He's got quite an amazing collection, actually. There's one he found at Lyme Regis last summer that looks exactly like the Virgin Mary. I used to think it was bonkers when people found the virgin Mary in slices of toast and tea towels but honestly when you see this rock, it's quite remarkable actually.

He's mostly into igneous rocks but I'm trying to encourage him to broaden into sedimentary. I find that I don't want my children being pigeon holed too narrowly when they're so young, do you know what I mean? I'm trying to encourage him to be more of an all rounder. Sea shells as well. I've learnt a lot myself actually from reading up about it together. We like to get rock books out of the library.

I was thinking of taking him to the national rock museum. Do you know if there is one? There must be. Do you know where it is? Do you have a favourite rock?

Hahaha - absolutely loving the replies on this thread! I'm also an unconscious oversharer. I could kick myself afterwards sometimes, but can't seem to find the middle ground between disclosing my PIN number (not really) and telling the nosey twat to fuck off. There are some really good tips here, special thanks to @GrumpyOldCrone for 'Is that Elvis?' 😆