Help me not overshare details with nosy school mother

[Primroseoil]

I am helping with a school coffee morning, one of the mothers on the rota with me is a complete alpha pita.

She constantly compares her child to mine, always wants to know what she is doing activities wise & school work wise.. Who my dd has playdate with etc.. Her dc is in my dds class & would be be top sets. I feel she only wants to talk to me when she wants information

I'm an oversharer & have in the past. Please give me tips on how to deal with this! And be kind!

If you are an over sharer and can't stop try this. The next time you meet her fix a flustered stressed look on your face, then say sorry I am a bit flustered but I was just talking to another mum don't know her but she was asking me so many rude nosy questions about dd activities, playdates,academic progrogress etc. Then say God don't you just hate it when people do that, it really pathetic to compare kids they are all different. Throw in its really a bit tacky and common. Implying anyone is common usually works. She might not talk to you again.

If it bothers you that she is saying super positive stuff about her own child as a direct insult to yours, I would keep answers super vague. Be evasive and try to keep the other mum talking. "How is your little lamb doing in Cross Country?" "She's doing well, how is yours doing in bragging?"

Practice a few deflection phrases.

"Gosh I'm so done with kids this week, let's talk about something else"
"Oh that reminds me I must book our next holiday, where are you going?"
"I'm going mental this week with work/clubs/kids and I just can't think straight any more. How do you cope so well?"
"Gosh is that the time, I must dash I have a call/waxing appointment/bins to put out"

Practice them out loud a couple of times and deploy them !

Initiate convos first, don't let her come to you.
She may be in need of adult conversation but stuck with it- or just nosey.
Either way this worked well for me 😄

Check the news each morning as prep.

Go on and on about the selection process for trump's court case
The flooding - anywhere! Climate change...
Can she believe that the business and enterprise minister declared that British wealth was solely due to Cromwell and not the policy of piracy under Elizabeth I which snowballed to the transatlantic slave trade...
Or something up and coming in the local area- elections...

Be armed with lots of topics.

Will either keep it off the children,
She may enjoy the debate with you about things other than kids, and interactions will change slowly,
or she will very quickly avoid you at coffee mornings 😂

Quantum computing, AI and machine learning are fantastic topics to encourage nosey/braggy mums to make a hasty retreat.
One Techradar article will give you enough ammo to fire without needing to know anything further. Politics usually works too but there is risk that everyone currently hates something the government is doing or not doing and will actually talk about it so if you don't want to converse with this woman at all go with the Tech.
Personally I pity mums that need to constantly compare.

One mum would frequently ask on a class whatsapp how everyone else's child was coping with something (new school year, homework, whatever) resulting in everyone disclosing their children's concerns or struggles, before replying '---- is doing really well and not having any problems'....!

Go full on MENSA Maths, G&T, genius studies etc, just make it up - this woman isn't genuinely interested anyway.

Ask her "Why do you need to know it's non of your business" That will get rid of her once and for all,

YANBU

Either be vague, oh I can’t remember right now- then change the subject, or do - wow, sooooo many questions thing.

Be vague and don't give away info you don't wish to share

Is Ben having lots of playdates at the moment?
Yes, some
Who with?
Kids from the class
Which ones?
Some of the boys
Which ones?
The ones that he plays with at school
Who are they?
It varies from one week to the next
Who is it this week?
Not sure
Who does he play with at lunch time now?
Depends
Who did he have lunch with yesterday?
Don't know. Shall we go over there and chat to Sarah?

Just say that you’re feeling a bit under the weather and not up for chatting. I also like the “her dad sorts all that - I don’t have a clue” approach. She sounds really annoying, OP. People like that need to get a life and stop trying to live vicariously through 10 year olds.

Or you could go to the other extreme with ‘we’re having to move DD because she’s struggling so much. DP and I are devastated we’ve ended up with a total thicko, it’s a very sore point so please don’t ask me anymore’.

Love this

Best thing to do is say what do you need to know that for?
Or why do you ask?
Or why do you want to know that?

When they reply you look thoughtful and go oh or hmm ok or oh right and don't answer.
That's level 1, the avoiding.

If they press you, you go to level 2. The gentle approach.
If seems really important to you. Why is that?
Or I've noticed you keep asking me this stuff but don't want to share similar information about your child. Why is that?
Or, is everything ok? Are you worried about your child's progress?

If she still persists then it's level 3. Direct.
I'm very uncomfortable with your constant questions and I'd like you to stop.

If she carries on then it's level 4. The flat out piss take.
Hey, I've got a better idea. Let's race 'em. First to the wall and back gets a ribbon saying I'm the better child. My mum won at Kids.

Ask for her thoughts on the nesting habits of migratory waterfowl and don't stop asking until you get a response you're satisfied with.

I just say "fine thanks how about you" or words to that effect.
Or if something specific like reading book band then say actually I'm.not sure /haven't looked, how about you.

To be honest I've not had this problem from other mums. It's usually elderly relatives!

It should not be too difficult for you to stop ' oversharing' if you just imagine her making a move on your husband. ( And winning) It could happen and it happened to me. People have ulterior motives ; dont be naive.

I am extremely stand off ish and I work in a small town where people seem to think they have the right to know the ins and outs of everyone’s lives. I’m from a huge town and it’s not my culture at all to be that way.
Even to the point where I’ll be eating and people will ask precisely what I’m eating and who made it. It’s that weird.

id be grunting, changing the subject, or asking her why is she constanlty comparing the children, depending what mood I’m in. one word answers.

one of the women at work in said small town asked me ‘don’t you want anymore children?’ Last week. I had a miscarriage over Xmas plus am nearly 9 weeks pregnant (telling no one, constant anxiety), I was raging inside at the entitlement she felt asking me such a personal question!

Just give non-answers:

Really well, thanks
Oh, she’s doing all the usual things
Yes, yes, always busy
Just the usual things
Oh, she does lots
Loads of things - ha, I don’t want to make a list
She’s pretty much where we expected
etc, etc

Just polite blocking, like you might do with a stranger.

Just try and say bland things. e.g. Just usual things, can't remember not sure, all is going well etc..

I feel for you because on one hand, you want to make friends at school, and with parents in your children's class and on the other hand, there's a particular tribe of school parents who behave like this. So don't tell yourself off for oversharing, mentally tell them off for over questioning!

There's some great tips on this thread to try out but I suspect this person is made of sterner stuff and will keep on at you. Some people do even if you are what you may think of as rude in response.

The best solution if you can't shake the questioning is avoidance. Get the rota changed or find some other way of avoiding her. This kind of person will also gossip and exaggerate anything you tell them

Just make it up. Doesn't matter if the story doesn't tally because it's none of her business.

Answer every question with a yes or no instead 😂

Just say ‘oh sorry I’m on my period and it makes me absent minded’….
then every question she asks you just say you can’t remember what level she is and can’t remember her friends names!
She’ll soon give up asking.

“Yes she is doing really well at maths, studying at degree level. A marvel for 9, right? Why do you ask? Is your little pumpkin struggling then?”

no, seriously…parents that dig like this is less about your child and entirely about their own. She’s worried about her kid for some reason. I try to be empathetic in this situation.

when my son was little he was suffering a significant speech delay and I would ask other parents (I was open about my worries though as I literally did want to understand normal milestones, partially to try to reduce my anxiety, but also so I could have a more informed convo with the specialists and not be totally blind to ‘normal’ children’s progress). This was entirely for my own benefit and about my own child, never theirs. However as I said, I was very open about this and all mums were really open in response. Actually led to some really nice conversations as they spoke of their anxieties etc. I was never embarrassed of his progress as I felt he could only get help and understanding if I was open.

Perhaps her child is struggling at class, has social friendships issues. Maybe she’s alleviating her own concern and understanding if others are in a similar situation, so she isn’t alone. Perhaps she is a little embarrassed as she’s an overachiever so always expected perfection and would feel vulnerable saying “yes little pumpkin actually is horrific at maths”. Maybe as you’re an oversharer she feels soeaking to you is easier for her as she’s having to give less of her vulnerable side up.

Often Alpha’s are that way and find being vulnerable to another a very impossible task so it manifests in other ways. Those who are super confident externally often aren’t internally, hence the need to let everyone know everything is so great in their world.

maybe phrase the response to her question “yes doing well, bla bla bla. Why do you ask, is X struggling?”. This will either have her open up, or she will realise she’s being a nosey cow if all of the above isn’t true and she’s just being a nosey bag. She won’t like to be asked if her child is struggling if she isn’t so will hopefully rephrase her questioning going forward.

just another perspective :-)