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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to keep the baby

428 replies

raffathegaffa · 16/04/2024 23:15

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

OP posts:
Penguinfeet24 · 17/04/2024 11:59

I think the damage is done here. He's obviously a vile human to pull the plug on a child's treatment frankly and I couldn't get past that. You obviously do not want to abort the pregnancy so I would suggest you don't. Stand up for yourself, get the ball rolling on divorcing him and go on with your life with your lovely children without this vile bully calling the shots.

Swanbeauty · 17/04/2024 11:59

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Swanbeauty · 17/04/2024 12:02

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2024 12:02

Vive42 · 17/04/2024 08:51

You have leukaemia?? Ok, scratch my last post. I don’t know the medical ins and outs of pregnancy with this medical issue.

OP it sounds like you need to put yourself first. However you do that. You also sound like you’re in co-dependent relationship. You may benefit from therapy. Alone, possibly together but long term id be surprised if the relationship can survive. I wish you all the best with your treatment.

NEVER together!

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2024 12:04

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 17/04/2024 09:09

Keep the baby and leave the man.

You don't need him, he sounds awful.

Read her posts...

Swanbeauty · 17/04/2024 12:08

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2024 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at OP's request.

What isn't?

The OP has leukaemia

Swanbeauty · 17/04/2024 12:24

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Silvers11 · 17/04/2024 12:38

Devonshiregal · 17/04/2024 02:42

If the treatment is paid for call them and say you don’t want a refund. Try bringing the appointments forward too.

hes a monster. He’s not a good father. He’s evil. And you are trauma bonded/Stockholm syndromed/whatever. But to imagine this man is a good person just because he isn’t cruel ALL the time is not right.

I’ve been there, I’m not judging at all I promise. But people get grumpy occasionally yes - that’s normal. But cruelty, abusive language or behaviour, actively prevents them from being a good person.

As people always say, even hitler loved animals. Bad people are not bad 24/7 nor in every area of their life. They can help little old ladies cross the road with genuine concern, then whisper in your ear that you’re a whore just because they’re irritated by your existence. Trust me. And that’s what makes them terrifying - they blend in with the rest of us.

to be honest, he sounds like a man who won’t like to be humiliated so id up and leave with the kids and tell him you’re going to shout from the rooftops that he’s terminating treatment for his own child to blackmail you into terminating his baby. But leave the house first - be safe. Stay with family. And 100% call the police and tell them this. Go to the gp and tell them also and ask for mental health help. Call women’s aid. And most importantly keep ALL correspondence from him where he is abusive and threatens stuff stored somewhere safe he cannot delete it. Email it to yourself of save it in a locked Dropbox or whatever. You’ll want all this for custody.

seriously seriously, there’s nothing more wonderful than sitting on a little sofa in a family members home, or a shitty little emergency bedsit, wherever (!) and suddenly realising you’re safe (physically and emotionally). You might be poor. You might have to sleep on the floor of a friends. It’s so much better than living in a castle with a monster.

do you have joint accounts? Do you have your name on the mortgage? On the car? Would you get maternity leave? Could you claim UC and how much would child support be. Do you want to leave him - or know deep down that you should? All questions you need to find the answers to. Is he liable to be violent to you or the children? Because if you can avoid it in any way, don’t give up a baby if you don’t want to. The hurt never goes away.

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/criminal-law-information/coercive-control-and-the-law/

@raffathegaffa This poster talks a huge amount of sense. Whatever you do about the baby, please leave this horror of a man - for your sake and the sake of the 2 little children you already have. he is NOT a good father if he's blackmailing you to have a termination by withdrawing private treatment for your DD

Whether you terminate the pregnancy or not, your relationship is really over. Please don't waste any more of your life with this man. You are only 28, if I've done my sums right. Your medical treatment means that you still have many years hopefully to enjoy life either on your own or with someone else

Polishedshoesalways · 17/04/2024 12:43

I am prepared to be flamed for this. But I will say this.

It’s unforgivable he is withdrawing his support for his eldest child, yes he cancelled it but it can be reinstated. These sound like the actions of a really desperate man.

Is it possible he is beginning to crack under the pressure? He has a partner with leukaemia and that is a huge deal op, a child with significant life threatening allergies, a one year old baby and a ball breaking job in London full time.

I am usually 100% behind women leaving in an abusive situations but this feels like an enormous amount of stress and pressure on both of you.

The fact you minimise your illness op gives me the impression you are not really keen to look at the impact this is actually having. Is it safe for you to proceed? What ARE the risks? There must be some - can your body cope? Can you cope?

How much debt are you in?

This is one of those situations where the full story would be very useful.

Polishedshoesalways · 17/04/2024 12:45

I am not defending him, by any stretch, but something feels unsaid. There feels to be much more to this.

Pipsquiggle · 17/04/2024 12:49

@raffathegaffa

I am so sorry for your situation. Everyone is telling you to leave this awful man which I think is the right plan of action

I do think you need to think long term and bigger picture regarding your pregnancy - there is no doubt that you 'want' this pregnancy but is it the right thing for your situation (long term health for you & DC) and for your 2DC?

I do know some families that have struggled when they find out they are having a surprise 'extra' DC. The DC is lovely but I can see the strain - financially, emotionally and band-with wise with the extra person in the family. You need to be absolutely certain this is what you want and be able to cope with it as a solo parent. What is best for your family (you and your 2DC)?

BusyMummy001 · 17/04/2024 12:51

This is a cautionary tale about giving up a career/job prospects, moving in and having children with a man without getting that ring on your finger. He has all the power.

This arsehole has manoeuvred OP into position where she has very few rights. I can’t believe he would effectively tell OP to terminate the life of one potential child or he will risk the life of the other [which I assume he is, given they were going to spend money privately to manage DCs considerable allergies].

I would go and see a solicitor, though, and see where you stand, OP, because I would find it difficult to remain with this man after this.

WearyAuldWumman · 17/04/2024 12:52

raffathegaffa · 16/04/2024 23:15

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

I was in an age-gap relationship, but at least I was in my 30s when I got married.

Your husband took advantage of your youth. Now that you're a mature woman he's trying to exert coercive control over you. You're better off without him.

babyproblems · 17/04/2024 12:57

The fact you’re not married is insane. I think he’s been abusive for years actually reading your posts; and the fact hes not committed to marriage or a fair financial set up for you for all this time means you are and have been at an enormous disadvantage. I would say that is part of the abuse to be honest. Can you see a solicitor?? I think you should given the abuse of you and now your children, and the huge gap in earnings between the two of you.
best of luck x

TequilaSunsets · 17/04/2024 12:58

Dear OP. It sounds as though you have a huge amount on your plate. I think you are right to consider the practical side of this pregnancy and the impact on your existing children, and focus on extracting yourself safely from this relationship in order to protect your children.

Pipsquiggle · 17/04/2024 13:00

babyproblems · 17/04/2024 12:57

The fact you’re not married is insane. I think he’s been abusive for years actually reading your posts; and the fact hes not committed to marriage or a fair financial set up for you for all this time means you are and have been at an enormous disadvantage. I would say that is part of the abuse to be honest. Can you see a solicitor?? I think you should given the abuse of you and now your children, and the huge gap in earnings between the two of you.
best of luck x

@babyproblems

What can a solicitor actually do? They aren't married.

tattygrl · 17/04/2024 13:01

It has been said already but I must echo:

it is monstrously terrible and abusive behaviour for him to withdraw life changing medical treatment from a seven year old child. Absolutely unforgivable. I actually feel a bit nauseous. I'm so, so, sorry OP, that you're in this situation.

You need to leave him. I know it will be hard. But this is a man you don't want to be close to. You don't want your children close to him. He has demonstrated already in a major way that he will compromise his childrens' wellbeing to make a point. Utterly disgusting, one of the most contemptible things I have ever heard of.

momtoboys · 17/04/2024 13:06

Oh, dear. Does he expect that after this abhorrent behavior that even if you do terminate the pregnancy that your relationship will be intact? He is a dreadful human. Have you baby. Leave the bastard. Start life over.

MissSeventies · 17/04/2024 13:11

I wouldn't normally say this, but you need to leave this man. He is a bully, there is an obvious power disparity in your relationship and no man who truly cared about you would try to blackmail you either into getting an abortion or withdrawing medical treatment from your eldest child. His behaviour is abhorrent and although it may seem difficult now your life will be better without him.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 17/04/2024 13:12

OP I am so sorry for your position. I read your post last night and it was on my mind all morning, I'm glad you are getting some good sound advice here now. This genuinely shocked me, the part about withdrawing medical treatment. I don't need to reiterate how awful this man is and I agree with PP that you need to leave him. I understand him panicking about bringing a baby into the mix but this is something that happened from both of you deciding to not use contraception, so it was inevitable and it is totally unreasonable for him to ask you to abort your child, and his child.

FWIW, I totally get where you are coming from re the pregnancy. I could not ever, in any circumstances abort a baby. I know many would disagree but its something I feel strongly about and its a deeply personal thing so if you truly truly feel that you can't then that's ok. You will manage, it will be harder but you will get through it. I would hate to think you would first leave a man bullying you into abortion only to have MN bullying you into an abortion. There is no wrong decision here, only YOUR decision.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 17/04/2024 13:16

Sorry only just seen you have leukaemia, I withdraw my previous advice. Keeping the baby under these circumstances when it is incurable and terminal is utterly selfish. Of course he doesn’t want you to have another baby he’s going to have to raise alone.

Ladyritacircumference · 17/04/2024 13:17

Keep the baby. Your relationship with this man is destroyed beyond any hope of recovery. Rip that plaster off.

whatsitcalledwhen · 17/04/2024 13:19

MorningSunshineSparkles · 17/04/2024 13:16

Sorry only just seen you have leukaemia, I withdraw my previous advice. Keeping the baby under these circumstances when it is incurable and terminal is utterly selfish. Of course he doesn’t want you to have another baby he’s going to have to raise alone.

Did you not see OP's further comment?

Yes, it’s leukaemia. But with the medication I take it’s possible to live a long, healthy life.

Zippedydoodahday · 17/04/2024 13:31

He's dangling the treatment for your eldest over you as some sick carrot to get you to have an abortion. But there's no way he will fund it regardless now. If you have the abortion you will inevitably break up because you will hate you for it, and then he'll withhold financing it to punish you.

So you need to take that out the equation.