AIBU to want to keep the baby

[raffathegaffa]

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

Dear OP. I'm sorry. That 'scales falling from the eyes' moment of recognition is one of the most painful there is. And from your updates it seems to me that you've reached such a place.

Of course it's hard to recognise yourself as a victim of abuse (let there be no mistaking this: you are). I've lost count of the number of MN threads in which abused women say their partners are 'a good father', when all the while they are doing unspeakable things both to them and the children. Of course they cling to the positives, because abuse is insidious and we don't see it at first. No man is abusive all the time; if they were, we'd never have been with them in the first place. They turn up the heat incrementally, giving us chance to reacclimatise. This is a well-known strategy, sometimes referred to as 'boiling frog syndrome'.

Abuse happens to strong, courageous, upstanding women too. Don't make the mistake of thinking that being a victim means you're weak. Strong women with fighting spirits are also taken in by such men. They (the men) are clever; they shower us with love, then bomb into a negative cycle so we are uncertain of their feelings for us and would do anything to win back their affection. And so it repeats, ad nauseam. Check out the image. It's a known pattern of behaviour. The good news is that once you recognise it, painful though that is, you will never be taken in by it again. Once you're out on the other side of this - and you will be - you'll spot a gaslighter coming from a mile away.

You'll be reeling as you come to terms with this realisation. Give yourself time to breathe. And do NOT have a termination unless YOU want one. Well-meaning PPs saying what they would or would not do in relation to the pregnancy are not relevant to your situation. I am fully pro-choice: this is yours, and that decision deserves to be respected.

Your relationship is something else. Please, OP: continue in the process you've just started of taking those blinkers off and protect yourself and (especially) your children. I'm not saying it won't be hard, but the alternative is harder. PPs upthread are shocked with good reason. The story you recount in your OP is monstrous. I've been on MN a long time and have rarely read any thread more shocking. I can seriously say I'd rather be beaten or raped by an abusive partner than have them hurt my child by actively harming their health to use against me in this way. And I speak advisedly. Both the experiences I cited formerly have been a part of my life. He's not just abusive. He's a monster. What he's doing is abusive, coercive, manipulative, and actively harmful. It's horrible. It is child abuse. There's no other way to phrase it.

A final point: if you opt for counselling, do so alone. On no account even consider engaging in it with this man: this is not recommended in abusive relationships.

MN is almost uniformly supportive to women in such positions as yours. People here will be here to support you as you come to terms with this. Those of us with experience will also recognise that it takes time to come to terms with and process the enormity of what's happening to you.

Be strong. You absolutely can

She is the one who wants to keep the pregnancy. If her partner didn't, then it was his responsibility to prevent it by not having unprotected sex. His 'rights' to a decision over what happens in OP's body ended the moment he ejaculated inside her without a condom.

Who is to blame for the pregnancy is hardly relevant at this juncture, so it's small wonder other PPs 'just don't see this'. Why is that advice in any way thoughtful or helpful?

From OP's perspective, beating herself up about a past she can't change is completely pointless and a waste of negative energy. She has her other children to consider, and is chronically ill.

The only consideration that matters here is what happens next.

And any decisions to that effect must be coloured by the fact that her 'partner' is devious, coercive, controlling, manipulative, a financial abuser and a child abuser (oh, yes he is). He has the poor woman convinced that his way is the way she needs to live, and she'll be made to suffer in some unimaginable way if she dares to exert a mind or a decision of her own.

Withholding his own child's treatment and harming their health is about as breathtakingly cynical and cruel a strategy of emotional blackmail as I've ever heard.

It's monstrous. Of course he's a fucking monster.

@MorningSunshineSparkles its not terminal. It’s a lifelong condition, it shouldn’t even be called leukaemia really. My blood counts are like that of a normal healthy persons now, so long as I take a tablet a day for the rest of my life. How cruel of you to assume I have a “terminal” illness, I never said it was terminal.

@Polishedshoesalways as in what? What is it that you think I may be hiding?

So now I have told him I am going ahead with the abortion, even though I am utterly heartbroken, he has agreed to reinstate eldests treatment. He’s also told me to tell my dad to expect a call from his dad, which I’ve told my own dad to ignore. Just feels like the whole lot of them are jumping on the bullying bandwagon now.

Expect a call from his dad?

About what?

Your partner is a knob and I would be figuring out a way to ensure your daughter's access to the treatment she needs without his help and then leaving him.

I'm sorry about the abortion. But I don't think it's a good idea to tie yourself to this man even more than you already are by having another child with him.

Your partner is a swine. Using the oldest's medical treatment to blackmail you into aborting is absolutely abhorrent.

Your relationship is toast either way. You will resent him massively if you abort, and he will be impossible to live with if you don't.

You sound like you have a strong visceral reaction against abortion. If you can't do it, you can't, but if you can see the positives for your own sake, to strengthen your position for leaving him, then do it, I'd say.

You're still young. I was 36 when I had my first kid and managed to get to three... there'd be a kind of poetic justice in you aborting the child, making sure he commits to the allergy treatment, and then leaving him anyway.

Whatever you do, I'll be rooting for you. You've kept your independence of mind in very difficult conditions, you have my respect for that.

Whatever you do, I'll be rooting for you. You've kept your independence of mind in very difficult conditions, you have my respect for that.

I second this comment.

Have you told him your relationship is over? Have you talked to your parents? Are they in a position to help you?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. And I'm really shocked at the huge lack of empathy from some people.

I am not suggesting you are hiding only acknowledging that having leukaemia is a big deal, having two under two no walk in the park even without your child with severe allergies. It’s a lot.

What are your finances like?

See a lawyer about your daughter's medical treatment. The court are well used to the depths people will sink to manipulate an ex partner. It may even be that your lawyer speaking to his.will make him back down.
Surely he won't want it known that he intends to cut off.the medical treatment for his own daughter. The.courts can.order him to continue to support the child.
It is worth a try anyway.

Why would his dad be calling your dad? Your partner is vile using your eldest like that. Whatever you do about the baby please leave him.

I hear these threats op, towards a pregnant women with leukaemia - it’s sickening op. What on earth is his Dad going to say to yours?!

Are you safeguarding money, passwords, passports etc? I think you should.

OP, I am so sorry. As others have said, your husband is a monster.

Now that he’s used your eldest child’s medical treatment as a way to control you, he’ll do it again. You need legal counsel.

He’s a fucking monster. Please confide in friends and family and get away from him as soon as you are able.

Apparently his dad is calling my dad to make us realise the consequences of having another child. Basically there are only consequences because he doesn’t want it, if he stepped up and owned up to the fact we had unprotected sex he should have seen this coming. They all just want to back me into a corner now and tbh I feel embarrassed about his dad calling my dad, as if we’re two teenagers.

OP also states Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place.

This could also be viewed as an attempt to control him. Having a baby is an expensive undertaking which has long reaching effects on the whole family for many years and should not happen without the agreement of all parties.

Am I understanding this correctly? Husband is getting his dad to get your dad to bully you into an abortion? Wow.

@Chatonette yeah, basically

@dogmandu I already have two children with him and does any part of what I’ve said make it sound like I am the one controlling him? I highly doubt a third would make it any different either!

I said 'could also be viewed as' and I think it could.

Don't get me wrong @raffathegaffa . I'm sympathetic to your situation and do think he's controlling (many similarities to my ex) but I just think it's wrong to bring a baby into a family against the wishes of the other prospective parent and without proper agreement .

@dogmandu If you read further up I said I am having an abortion, however I’m on the other side of this and he is not considering my wishes either so really either way someone loses, and this way it’s me. Because I’m the one who will have to go through the trauma of the abortion at 15 weeks and live to regret it.
coming from someone who has had a controlling partner, I would have thought you’d have had a little more empathy about you.

What an utter misogynist saying his father will call your father as if the men in your life have more say over your body than you.

God he's a cunt OP.

Please tell me that whatever you decide re the pregnancy, your relationship is over as a couple as far as you're concerned?

Him using your eldest's medical treatment to blackmail you into an abortion is one of the worst things I've ever read in a decade or so on Mumsnet.

That’s crazy. Is your father on their side?