AIBU to want to keep the baby

[raffathegaffa]

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

You would be better off single as a mum of three on universal credit than staying with this abusive man

Contact womens aid and get support and advice to leave this terrible relationship asap. You can do it, you have to.

Co-dependency OP. Do read to the bottom

https://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-signs-of-codependency#signs-of-codependency

Gosh, what an awful life you have been coerced into. It often takes a long time to work out whats happened, it's much like living in a parallel universe where one day you wake up and realise you have been moulded into the person you are that day are mourning the original person you were.
You have to leave him, contact womens aid and get some support, they can help you plan. I echo the earlier post of you being better off a single mum of three on universal credit for now.
You can do this, sending love and support.

Also prepare for him to turn once you say you are leaving. There’s nothing a man like this fears more than anything is to lose his kingdom.

You should be prepared to walk from every relationship in my opinion. Keeps standards high and helps you keep in touch with your own self worth

No we fucking well should not.

This is abuse, and the power differential between you two (older, employed, good earner, house in his name, money in his account) and you (the opposite) is worrying.

About the baby, think if you want to do it on your own.

About him, ducks in a row so you don’t depend on him when you leave, then leave.

Keep the baby and ditch the asshole.

You will never regret dumping him but you would regret getting rid of your baby.

He's already shown himself to be a monster and you won't want to stay with him after this anyway. But you know what being a mum entails and you can do this.

Can you move in with your parents? Keep all three and leave. You will manage.

Two issues here

1. As I think you know yourself, you are in an abusive relationship. That doesn't mean it will be easy for you to leave it, although that will most definitely be better for you in the long term. You mention you have lots of wider family support which is good - can you start to formulate a plan?
2. I know this is unpopular amongst others on MN but IMO a decision about having a baby should not be whether the woman wants one or not but whether this would be in the best interests of the baby and any already existing children. If you don't have an abortion, you would be bringing a child into the world in an abusive family, and with a father that didn't want her. What impact will this have on them? More importantly, what impact will it have on the 2 children you already have?

I did the same as you and had the similar reaction by my other half as you, but I thought in the end F you, no this baby is half mine too its me that has to live with myself afterwards.

They could not be closer now, he absolutely adores her and vice versa. Stop panicking about the what ifs and go ahead and enjoy this blessing that has been gifted to you! Xxx

Finally somebody on here that is giving serious thought to the situation instead of insisting he is a monster.

At the end of the day, rape aside. the woman has the final say in not allowing unsafe sex. Of course the OP knew exactly what she was doing. She is as much to blame for the pregnancy as he. This is not to excuse his response, but it is to clearly state that the OP is not blameless. It is just strange that so many people on here just don't see this.

. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion

This is monstrous.

My child has multiple allergies too, OP. I totally understand the quality of life issues you talk about.

If I were in your position I would tell my in laws what he is doing to shame him. Anyone who loves your DD would be horrified.

@dogmandu we had spoken about having another baby, I didn’t expect it would happen soon/pretty much the first time we had unprotected sex as it hadn’t in the past. Yes, I know having unprotected sex at any point can result in pregnancy, and so does he. But to change his mind and bully me into having an abortion because he suddenly realised it wasn’t what he wanted is what happened.

@muggart unfortunately he has been raised by two people who are very much the same as him. So no, they will never see it from my side unfortunately.
sorry to hear about your child’s allergies too, it’s a hard life sometimes.

Yes.
However, and I apologise for being harsh,
the OP's choices in life are not the smartest ones regarding herself and her own life.
The partner is a C.., but why oh why not think more before starting a family and living with a SN
child in his house...

@Genevieva

This is why we need to campaign against the government’s proposed loosening of abortion law. We have very sensible laws at the moment. Allowing abortion more easily and for longer will put women at risk because of pressure from men.

Or it will offer many women more options for a longer amount of time, allowing them more time to make a decision that is best for them, which may include not having a baby with an abusive partner who is using that baby as a way to tie them for life / stop them working / make them financially dependent.

Removing women's choices is never a sensible to reasonable way of protecting them against men.

I think whatever route you choose (have TOP or not), he's shown you his true colours. I would be making plans to leave. Are your family supportive and able to help you until you get on your feet?

In your original post, you said you didn't know what to do. My view (and this is only my view of course!) is this: speak to your family, make plans to leave your "D"P, have a TOP, take your two kids and leave. On a practical level, it would be more manageable with one at school and one in nursery (for childcare fees etc should you need to increase your working hours). Bear in mind, I'm looking at this purely from a practical point of view....and I know it is very easy for me to say this.

You said you wanted to study nursing. If your family are able to help you work towards this, then this is do-able (hard, but do-able). Working FT as a nurse when you're a single parent is not easy though: I work FT as a nurse. I'm also a single mum of two DC, who have similar age gap to your DC. You need solid childcare/support in place whilst you're on placement as a student, and working shifts once you qualify. It's only been in the last 5yrs that I was able to negotiate slightly different shift times to cover wraparound care. Working in HR is no bad thing (from what my friends who work in that field say!): a lot of them are able to work flexi-time, have a hybrid work pattern (office/WFH) and it works brilliantly for them.

Whatever you choose, I just wish you all the best x

PS please don't blame yourself. Your "D"P is old enough to understand how babies are made. You made it clear to him you were not using contraception. If he was that adamant that he did not want a 3rd child, then HE should have been more proactive in either exercising restraint/abstinence, ensuring that he had a vasectomy or ensuring he used contraception.

Oh OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. You have had a very rough ride with this man.

Please can I suggest you speak to a financial advisor as soon as possible? You say "partner" so I assume you're not married, and you've also said that you work part time and your name isn't on the deeds to the house or the mortgage. That leaves you in a very precarious position financially, and if you do split up with him (and you should, because he's abusive and an absolute arsehole for multiple reasons but particularly for using your daughter's health to blackmail you into getting an abortion!) you could be in a bit of trouble money-wise.

Personally there's no way I would continue with the pregnancy, given you are in a vulnerable position financially, you have two children to support already and you have a long-term health condition. But regardless of what you decide regarding this baby, your relationship is untenable.

Was your OH an abusive controlling arsehole?
OP's is

Yes it's heartbreaking seeing them miss out on so much, not to mention that OIT could actually save her life some day!

Im shocked and feel so sad for you both that he's treating you like this.

Great post from LondonFox

Agree "You can get through this."