AIBU to want to keep the baby

[raffathegaffa]

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

Why woul you allow this absolute control freak blackmail you into terminating a baby you clearly want to keep?. I understand your concerns for your daughter but how can he be so callous as to end her treatment because you won't do his bidding ?. I really fear for you if this "partnership" continues, what else will he coerce you into ?
To be honest I feel your relationship is effectively at an end anyway. You will resent him and your mental health will suffer if he forces you into the termination. He will walk away if you don't have it.Hes not prepared to commit to you in any way, right down to using contraception when he doesn't want another child.
If I were you , I'd use his time away during the week to start preparing for life on your own. Is your name on the house ? Do you have savings of your own? Is the treatment your daughter was having available elsewhere ? Do you have your children's birth certificates? Passports (if they have them ).
Speak to a solicitor to find out what you're entitled to and womens aid can offer moral support ...he might not be physically violent but he IS abusive. I would also contact social services...they really can and do offer support
Please don't stay with him because he earns a good salary. Your future and your children's is worth more.

Ultimately you need to decide yourself whether to have your baby but I have to say that I probably wouldnt in your circumstances BUT only because it will make it easier for you to leave him asap
Having said that if you DO decide to have the baby I am sure you will manage

I have to say that I agree with @WhiteLeopard

Sounds like there is too much turmoil in your life to add another human being into it.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Does he have family in the UK you could reach out to? If my son was doing this to a woman I would want to know and to support her however I could when they split.

I'm sorry you're in this position. I hope you find a way to keep the baby as that seems to be what you want, after going to the clinic and not being able to go through with it.

The man sounds like a horrible bully, he clearly has worked hard to keep you dependent on him. I think you need to plan your escape xxx

Keep your baby. Maybe you will parent with him or alone or meet someone new, but it's his baby too and he needs to pay to support all his kids. He doesn't get to dictate what you do with the baby.

I would never recommend abortion because a baby would be an inconvenience but with your health problems and this situation I feel, sadly, it is the best outcome. Saying that, you should absolutely make sure you or your husband are using contraception so that it doesn't happen again. If you feel too ill or tired to use it then you should be abstaining from sex.

This 100 percent.

I think you need to plan your escape and have a better life.

Agree with tkwal

"Why woul you allow this absolute control freak blackmail you into terminating a baby you clearly want to keep?. I understand your concerns for your daughter but how can he be so callous as to end her treatment because you won't do his bidding ?. I really fear for you if this "partnership" continues, what else will he coerce you into ?"

Hello OP. I loved my children’s father so much I couldn’t see the abuse clearly. It isn’t just you. It’s a trap we fall into. Now , 20 years later, I clearly see it and I am ashamed that I put up with it for so long. Withholding your daughter’s treatment, using it to try to control you , not considering your opinions re abortion - it’s all about him. These are the biggest, waviest, red flags.

1. photograph/ copy as much financial paperwork as possible.
2. pack enough stuff that will fit in a car. take jewellery/ valuables.
3. At the last minute take most of the accessible money you can. 4)can you get your parents to collect you? You need to leave without him knowing..
4. Have faith. So many of us have been in similar situations. It is the right thing to do. Things will get better.

Apologuises, I said you may continue a relationship with him. I think you should not continue with him. The fact that he has "pulled the plug on eldests treatment" is reason enough to leave him and work out a divorce settlement that sees you and all your children get the support you need. Your eldest needs this treatment, the fact he would use this as leverage is indeed Monstrous.

So your choices are
1.keep the baby, leave the man and take your 7,1 and newborn away.
Or

1. have an abortion and stay in a relationship where he bullies you, you don't forgive him and he uses money to control you.

Option 1 OP. Option 1.

Obviously the second option autocorrected!!! Don't stay with the creep!

Apologuises, I said you may continue a relationship with him, well I said parent with him. He seems to be a monster. So I would want him to pay to support his family but anyone who could pull the plug on treatment for his child is behaving applainingly.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Like you’ve said he’s behaving like a monster. You know what you need to do. You sound like a great mum and hard as it will be I do think you will find a way to figure this out on your own.

Leave him. He is treating you like he is your father (a very controlling and dominearing one at that) and you are 12 years old. If he so adamantly didn't want a baby he should have used contraception, abstained from sex or had a vasectomy. This is not your fault. Do not allow him to blackmail you, gaslight you, bully you or punish your existing children because of this. He is an abuser. If you are in Scotland the law is pretty hot on this kind of domestic abuse. Please get in touch with agencies that can support you. Look after this unborn baby, yourself and your other 2 children. You do not need him.

Financial hardship is not a reason to stay in an abusive, controlling relationship. Gather/create your village around you for support and to help with your children/money. There is financial support available as a single mother. It is also possible to get by on a lot less money than people realise.

If you do not want to terminate this pregnancy but do it because he bullied you into it, you will live with that giult/regret forever possibly. I guarantee if you leave him and have the baby you will start to see him for the abuser he is and will not regret your decision. Things may be hard at times but think how much harder it is to bring up children in a house with this man and his bullying decisions. You also do not know if his horrible behaviour would stop after an abortion or not. I suspect not.

People will no doubt disagree with me here but the fact that at 33 he was in a relationship with a 19 year old shows his immaturity or perhaps desire to dominate and control. He also has not married you which is a bit concerning given how much money he earns and that you have 2 children together. These things alone may mean nothing but given the rest of what you've said they indicate, to me, that he doesn't want to do "the right thing" by you/his kids/in general.

Did you imagine yourself writing comments like this when choosing that username?

If you want a life and the best for your children have an abortion and do it soon.Then leave him.

Well we know it’s coercive control but from a legal point of view, he has plausible deniability. OP says the treatment costs tens of thousands of pounds (seems 10k per allergy per the update so 40k all in) and it needs to be done ASAP due to age. His take home pay is roughly 68k after deductions (possibly even less with pension / student loan payments) and is already being used to support 4 people; he’s probably technically right that on paper they can’t afford 40k in a short space of time if there’s another baby on the way (OP will go on mat leave etc) so he can argue that although a horrible situation, the cold hard reality is it is an either / or situation.

1. Terminate the pregnancy
2. Leave the cunt

You missed out, not have this baby and leave.

Sometimes the universe has ways of forcing us to make big decisions so we can get out of something that is bad/not meant for us. This baby is an absolute blessing as it has forced you to have to confront what you have known all along - that this man is bad for you and your future is not with him.

awful man. It's your decision to make but if it were me I would end the relationship and also have an abortion. You don't need another baby with this man and you also can't afford it - single parenthood is tough going and you and your daughter have health issues which will make it even harder. To give yourself and your existing children the best chance at a happy life -just the three of you- then I would not go through with this pregnancy.

I had a similar-ish scenario (abusive husband, two existing children, unplanned third pregnancy when youngest still a baby) and after much wrangling with my head and my heart, and cancelled appointments, I ultimately had a termination and left the relationship. I was upset at the time but 4 years on I can honestly say it was one of the smartest decisions I've ever made. I have more time money and headspace to dedicate to my children. I think I would never have left him if I had a third and if I had managed to then I would be run ragged, broke and miserable.

It's absolutely your call not his, but look at the bigger picture and long term implications of your decision. Best of luck to you OP 💐

If you don't want an abortion do not have one. It is a very tough decision for any woman to make and I think you need to be fully on board with wanting to do that.

Can you talk to your parents? You said you have family support can you ask them for help? He won't let you stay in the house. If it's not yours and you are not married he will get rid of it if you leave him.

Check out the child maintenance calculator.

You will forevwr regret abortion as you want to keep the baby.
I would keep child and be forewer thankful as baby showed me what type of man he is.
Cutting his childs treatment to punish you?
How you managed not to murder him while he sleeps?

On serious note:
Tell GP he withdraw funding for DDs treatment. You will need evidence of abuse.
Pick all your documentation plus childrens.
Change passwords on email,social media and online accounts.
Pick all your cards. If he got one report it as stolen and give your parents address for replacement card.
Do all of that wgile he is atwork in fewhours. He will notice and try to stop you.
Pick children and move to parents.
Do not have face to face meetings with him. Respond only to emails to keep track.
He will threat with taking away children as you don't have house. Laugh at that.
You lived in the same area long enough, have two small children to which you are obviously primary carer and arepregnant. You will be priority for council housing.
Absolutelly do not continue living with him as this just lets him control you.

You can get through this.
He is no longer abusing just you but your children as well. You own them escape.
Abortion will resolve nothing, he will continue abusing you and children as soon as he dislike something.

You are 27,you have a life to live without him, and your children deserve life without abuse.