AIBU to want to keep the baby

[raffathegaffa]

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

Eugh go away with the abortion is murder bullshit.

Are you a man?

You are still 100% wrong. Your view is very old fashioned. So just to be clear, you think OP should have put herself on hormonal contraception to save her husband having to think about contraception? Is that right?

OP please accept your parents' offer of help. You absolutely would not be a burden to them - they're your parents. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine for a moment it was your child going through this. You would do everything you could to help them right?
I'm pro-choice and believe you should do whatever is right for you, but the fact that you have been to the clinic twice and not been able to go through with it and that you are already in the 2nd trimester tells me that in your heart you want this baby. You had spoken with your husband about a third, so it sounds like that was always on the cards. The timing might not be right for him, but he should have considered that before having unprotected sex (and the timing is rarely right - they come when they come and we make it work). I don't see how you can go back from this after what he has said and done, so the time is likely now never going to be right with him.
I had an abortion when I was 19. At the time the father was due to move to another continent, I was still in school, not getting along with my family (I had moved out), I had no money and my mental health wasn't great. I have zero regrets because I know that it was the right decision, but it still cut me up and I still find myself working out how old that child would be now (20) and wondering what they would have looked like. I was only 10 weeks and didn't want a child! If you truly think this is the best option and you will be okay afterwards then do what you need to do, but please don't do it just to keep the peace.

I’d be leaving him either way tbh. 100k a year and he behaved like that?

He hasn't misread you, he knows what you're saying and is still choosing to attack you for twisted reasons I can't understand either. Please ignore him.

Ahhh gotcha thanks!

Seems like the thread is winding down now so I’ll thank you all again for the lovely words of wisdom, support and similar experiences. Also thank you to those who have given me views from an alternative perspective. It has all been helpful and I’ll keep you updated on what happens next week as I have booked the abortion for Monday & Wednesday.

don’t do something you’ll regret. Make sure your decision isn’t influenced by guilt and wanting to punish yourself.

Can I gently echo this OP. An abortion you want can be incredibly mentally tough. One you don't want could be torture.

Dear OP, your post title says you want the baby. Help and love are on offer from family. Please don't be ground down to do something that seems 'decisive'. I understand wanting agency or wanting to disconnect or feeling overwhelmed. But please, gently, remember your best and original hopes. You sound like a wonderful and loving person. You deserve more. You can have a lifetime that doesn't resemble this horrible moment. Imagine 30 years from now what you might tell your own child if they'd written a post like this, and dare to dream the same way for yourself. Wishing you all good things x

This ^^

Is there something here you’re not telling us? You’ve gone very quickly from “I don’t want an abortion, I’ve walked out of two appointments, my horrible partner is trying to force me” to this seemingly serene acceptance of not just an abortion, but a second-trimester abortion spread out over a few days. You haven’t responded (positively or negatively) to offers of financial help, or the suggestion that you tell your daughter’s doctors why your partner wants a refund. I don’t know - I’m getting the impression of someone replying under duress. Or that the early posts on this thread were not written by the same person as the later ones.

Be safe, OP.

I’m from the US, so I don’t know how it goes in the UK, but - shouldn’t you be able to get some sort of help if you go for the appointment and tell the people there that this is not your freely-made choice?

Thank you for your concern, no it’s still me. I wrote the post when I was very very distressed, obviously I still feel the same but these waves of numbness just come over me so that might be why I seem distant… of course I haven’t just accepted it, I’m truly heartbroken. The relationship is gone and the baby will be gone soon, our existing children will come from a broken home.
I wanted to keep the baby, but I suppose I really only wanted to keep the baby with him by my side. I am so grateful for my parents support and willingness to help, but logistically I just don’t see how it could all happen. I’d also feel deeply ashamed being pregnant and everyone knowing that my partner left me because of it - obviously my child’s school would find out and I just think it would all be too much for me to cope with. I’m also trying to think more realistically and I don’t want to bring a child into the world who isn’t wanted by him and might be treat differently to his/her siblings by their father because that would stay with them for life.
He’s reinstated treatment now because I’ve told him I’ll go ahead with the abortion so I won’t need to speak to them, not that they would do anything to help financially anyway even if I did speak to them.

Please look up fear obligation guilt. FOG. Why do you want this man by your side? He has blackmailed you endangering one child's health and wanting you to have a medical procedure to terminate another possible child. He is not safe around your children. They are not safe around him. Please don't feel ashamed about people knowing you love all three of your children, stand up for them, and have your parent's backing. While he walked away from his family. Children pick up on emotional abuse. Please please don't want him in their life. I have survived all sorts but don't recommend taking too long to walk away from pain and shame because of a family you thought you had not being the family you do and will have!

He is not a great Dad @raffathegaffa you have absolutely got to stop seeing him unrealistically. No great Dad denies a child of medical treatment. No great Dad coersively controls a child's mother. No great Dad tries to blackmail/force an adoption. No great Dad says you can't do x b/c I don't approve. How will he treat your children when they begin to formulate their own opinions and do things he doesn't approve of?

You do not have to listen to him and have an abortion.

You also have been set up (age gap, lack of access to funds/house etc.) to be under his control.

Seek professional help. Make this baby be the very very last child you have with him if you have it. Leave him but do it with support in place.

Also, HR is a brilliant career with many opportunities. In three work places I've been in the head of HR was a single parent and in at least 2/3 of those they left an abusive partner. They climbed up the ladder, moved to bigger companies and have very very good salaries/incomes now. You can do this!

@raffathegaffa, hey lady. AIBU is a terrible place to post in your circumstances. People crawl out of the woodwork.

Anyway. It's pretty obvious to all sensible people that you're coupled up with a horribly abusive man.

Abortion isn't the horror people would have you believe. It's a compassionate choice for you and your existing children. Especially when in a relationship with an abusive man.

I had an abortion at 15 weeks once. It was OK. It wasn't traumatic because I knew it was absolutely the right choice. So you don't have to see an abortion as a horrible choice for you. It seems to me that it would be a positive choice.

Not wave your hands in the air like you just don't care. But pragmatic and taking care of you and the two children you have and getting away from this bad man.

That's positive. Not easy, put positive.

Take care my lovely.

Gently, it's worrying that you feel that freeing yourself from an abusive man means 'a broken home', OP. You know the saying it takes a village? What it means is that historically women have been supported just like you could be...by people like parents and friends. I hope you can leave the shame and fear behind.

What if school found out that your child's health was being compromised by their own father? How will your child remember this episode? What he is doing is a serious concern! Frankly, everyone should know and be part of a support system to keep you and your children safe. Please don't think of appearances or holding on to this man. The reality is that he talked about having a family of 3 with you, which you still wanted, till he began bullying you all. You deserve to choose freely, but I'm hearing more fear than freedom at the moment. I'm sorry.

You will be better off without this vile man.

But do what you want with regard to the pregnancy.

Do come back and tell us how it is going.

I'm so sad for you OP, you are in a truly rock/hard place situation and you're going to go through some hard times regardless of what you chose. For me it comes down to this - what would you tell your daughter to do if she was in your shoes? Then you'll know where the right path lies x

I suspect Mumsnet deleted my last reply because of a brief mention of the specifics of a second-trimester abortion procedure, so I’ll reiterate the rest of it as best I can remember.

OP, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and anyone who thinks you do doesn’t count. Don’t worry about what anyone at your daughter’s school is going to think. I have a daughter slightly younger than yours, and I would never, ever want any of her classmates’ mothers to have an abortion because they were afraid people at school would judge them for being single and pregnant.

I absolutely CANNOT STAND the thought of this vile, horrible man smiling to himself somewhere while you spend multiple days of your life going through the physical and emotional ordeal of aborting a baby you don’t want to abort. Your baby will have a loving mother and loving grandparents - and. I’m sure, loving siblings - even if his or her father is garbage.

I agree with everything in @YouDeserveMore ’s last reply. I’m hearing more fear than freedom too.

No. No.

You can spout your Pro-life nonsense wherever you like. But OP has two children that she needs to focus on, as if leaving an abusive man isn't hard enough.

Will you be there when she's trying to support three children on fuck-all cash?

No.

Didn't think so.

@raffathegaffa. This will be hard. Whichever way you choose. And it is absolutely your choice. Your body is yours. I would counsel you to not go through with this pregnancy and to end your relationship. Look at your children, the two you have. You need to dig deep for them. They matter, they matter so much. They exist. They're not the imagination of whatever is in your womb right now, they're real people. Don't get sentimental about a child that doesn't yet exist.

You exist. Your children exist. The three of you is what you need to focus on. Not an imaginary child, seriously.

I hate people that make abortion a difficult choice for women. I hate their sanctimonious attitude. There are people who, for whatever reason, will make this difficult, as you've seen on this thread.

These people don't care about you. I care about you. I've never met you, but I care about you. I care about your future, I care about your escape from your terrible partner. I care about your children and their future. I care about you. I care about you. I want you, and all women to be able to be free and to be able to make good choices about their own lives. I want women to own their lives.

Anyway! I will stop my impassioned speech!

Message me if you want a chat @raffathegaffa, you're going through some shit. But you'll be ok. You're good. Xx

Thank you, I hear you all

@YankSplaining I completely understand where you’re coming from, I just don’t think I’ve got it in me to do it on my own. Not even with my parents help.

@JeysusH this is really great advice, thank you. I don’t want my two living children to suffer even more. Things are good now, our routine is good and I’m here for them. I can manage on my own, and I can envisage a future for the three of us. Having another baby would jeopardise all of that and I think I’d be so run ragged id compromise my ability to be a good mother for them. I’m trying not to think about the baby so much now and just look to the future. Thank you for your caring words X