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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want to keep the baby

428 replies

raffathegaffa · 16/04/2024 23:15

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

OP posts:
mrsdineen2 · 17/04/2024 16:36

dogmandu · 17/04/2024 16:16

Don't get me wrong @raffathegaffa . I'm sympathetic to your situation and do think he's controlling (many similarities to my ex) but I just think it's wrong to bring a baby into a family against the wishes of the other prospective parent and without proper agreement .

Would you say you're pro-choice?

Sparklfairy · 17/04/2024 16:38

dogmandu · 17/04/2024 16:02

OP also states Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place.

This could also be viewed as an attempt to control him. Having a baby is an expensive undertaking which has long reaching effects on the whole family for many years and should not happen without the agreement of all parties.

Show quote history

I've said this on other threads but I'll say it again. If an individual, man or woman, doesn't want a baby, then they take responsibility for their own contraception. This isn't on OP. He can't decide not to wear a condom and act all shocked when he's got her pregnant.

I'd have some sympathy for him if he'd worn one and it had split. But all too often men value their immediate pleasure while burying their head in the sand about the 18 year+ commitment of the child they can produce. They whine that it 'doesn't feel as good' with a rubber on and just assume they can bully the woman into having an abortion later.

Delphinium20 · 17/04/2024 16:41

raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 16:00

Apparently his dad is calling my dad to make us realise the consequences of having another child. Basically there are only consequences because he doesn’t want it, if he stepped up and owned up to the fact we had unprotected sex he should have seen this coming. They all just want to back me into a corner now and tbh I feel embarrassed about his dad calling my dad, as if we’re two teenagers.

You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. You husband is one of the vilest men I've read about here...refusing medical treatment for his own daughter to coerce his wife to get an abortion.

Fuck his dad and fuck him. I would leave the house today with your two children.

YankSplaining · 17/04/2024 16:42

Tell the clinic where your daughter received treatment what he’s doing, and why he wants a refund. Tell your family what he’s doing. Please do not believe that your only two options are to have an abortion or forfeit treatment for your daughter. I know a lot of groups who raise money for pregnant women in difficult circumstances. Would you want to pursue getting in touch with them at all?

He shouldn’t be allowed to push you into aborting a baby you want.

Original poster
raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 16:42

@Chatonette no not at all, very much with me.
He phoned me up earlier in tears promising he’ll help me as much as he can and they’ll love this baby just as much as they love their two other grandchildren, it’s lovely but it would still be hard for my parents and it’s not the same as having a proper family unit to me, I still think I’d rather leave with the two children I have than leave and have the third. 😔

OP posts:
Chatonette · 17/04/2024 16:46

raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 16:42

@Chatonette no not at all, very much with me.
He phoned me up earlier in tears promising he’ll help me as much as he can and they’ll love this baby just as much as they love their two other grandchildren, it’s lovely but it would still be hard for my parents and it’s not the same as having a proper family unit to me, I still think I’d rather leave with the two children I have than leave and have the third. 😔

I’m glad you have your family for support. If you go to the procedure and can’t go through with it like you said previously, that’s okay too. As you say, DH has a decent salary, so you should be okay.

xHugsx

Everythinggreen · 17/04/2024 16:48

@raffathegaffa many in spiritual circles believe that when a child is lost from abortion or miscarriage, their souls connection decided it wasn't the right time for them to come, and they will see you in the future whether in this plane or an astral plane.

Whether it's true or not, or what you believe in, I think it can be a comforting thought if you ever have moments of sadness, guilt or regret. Xx

YankSplaining · 17/04/2024 16:49

raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 16:42

@Chatonette no not at all, very much with me.
He phoned me up earlier in tears promising he’ll help me as much as he can and they’ll love this baby just as much as they love their two other grandchildren, it’s lovely but it would still be hard for my parents and it’s not the same as having a proper family unit to me, I still think I’d rather leave with the two children I have than leave and have the third. 😔

Your family is offering to help you. This isn’t the time to say, “No, that’s really okay, I don’t want to be a bother - I’ll just force myself into having a second-trimester abortion, having previously left the clinic twice, because I don’t want to cause problems for anyone else.”

IsleOfPenguinBollards · 17/04/2024 17:43

YankSplaining · 17/04/2024 16:49

Your family is offering to help you. This isn’t the time to say, “No, that’s really okay, I don’t want to be a bother - I’ll just force myself into having a second-trimester abortion, having previously left the clinic twice, because I don’t want to cause problems for anyone else.”

Show quote history

I agree. You say your parents aren’t poor and that they must despise your H for what he’s put you and your kids through. Could you go and stay with them? You could make a final decision about the pregnancy once you’re out of your abusive relationship.

IsleOfPenguinBollards · 17/04/2024 17:44

At least then it will be your choice, not his.

SerafinasGoose · 17/04/2024 18:07

raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 14:02

So now I have told him I am going ahead with the abortion, even though I am utterly heartbroken, he has agreed to reinstate eldests treatment. He’s also told me to tell my dad to expect a call from his dad, which I’ve told my own dad to ignore. Just feels like the whole lot of them are jumping on the bullying bandwagon now.

Ye gods. They're awful.

Thank goodness you say upthread that you have a loving and supportive family. I hope you feel able to turn to them as you go through this.

Also: just because you've told them you now intend to terminate, this doesn't mean that you're bound by that assertion. You have the right to decide either way, right up to the time you are in the clinic.

Your partner and his equally dreadful sounding dad have no power here. Partner discharged his side of the responsibility for this when he had unprotected sex with you. You're trying to make the right decision under intolerable pressure. Whatever decision you reach as to the continuation or not of the pregnancy, this should rightfully be your own.

I, for one, offer you support either way. My heart goes out to you Flowers

WithACatLikeTread · 17/04/2024 18:19

dogmandu · 17/04/2024 16:16

Don't get me wrong @raffathegaffa . I'm sympathetic to your situation and do think he's controlling (many similarities to my ex) but I just think it's wrong to bring a baby into a family against the wishes of the other prospective parent and without proper agreement .

I would suggest if he wasn't using any contraception that that is basically an agreement on having another child.

Nonewclothes2024 · 17/04/2024 18:32

raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 16:22

@dogmandu If you read further up I said I am having an abortion, however I’m on the other side of this and he is not considering my wishes either so really either way someone loses, and this way it’s me. Because I’m the one who will have to go through the trauma of the abortion at 15 weeks and live to regret it.
coming from someone who has had a controlling partner, I would have thought you’d have had a little more empathy about you.

I think you'll resent him so much because he's made you have an abortion you'll end up leaving him anyway.
(Hopefully)

dogmandu · 17/04/2024 18:37

WithACatLikeTread · 17/04/2024 18:19

I would suggest if he wasn't using any contraception that that is basically an agreement on having another child.

Show quote history

@WithACatLikeTread yes, I thought this as well, that's why it's strange that he didn't take precautions considering he had made it clear to OP that he didn't want another child. And from his reaction he feels very strongly about it.

Ohlookwhoitis · 17/04/2024 18:53

dogmandu · 17/04/2024 16:02

OP also states Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place.

This could also be viewed as an attempt to control him. Having a baby is an expensive undertaking which has long reaching effects on the whole family for many years and should not happen without the agreement of all parties.

Show quote history

WTF have I just read? An attempt to control him? If the DH was so against having another child then it was up to him to stop it, he KNEW OP wasn't on contraception. How you can possibly turn this on OP is mindblowing. Are you one of those people who think contraception is purely for women?

OhmygodDont · 17/04/2024 19:08

Either way this relationship is over. You resent him or he resents you.

I also wouldn’t bank too much on him really letting you stay in the house, once the relationship breaks down which it will he will go scorched earth his proven that by removing his child’s private medical care and only reinstating it once you agree to his demands.

Good luck with your appointment regardless of how you leave it in the end.

dogmandu · 17/04/2024 19:15

WTF have I just read? An attempt to control him? If the DH was so against having another child then it was up to him to stop it, he KNEW OP wasn't on contraception. How you can possibly turn this on OP is mindblowing. Are you one of those people who think contraception is purely for women?

No of course not but in a normal adult relationship if one partner knows the other is dead set against another pregnancy, and sees that they are both on course to get in the danger zone (so as to speak) then I find it strange that neither one of them call a halt to decide what to do. The OP states that she is banking on him changing his mind were she to get pregnant.
None of this sounds like responsible adult behaviour to me tbh.

Original poster
raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 19:26

@dogmandu before I got pregnant he wasn’t against another baby. We talked about a 3rd child frequently. I never said I was banking on changing his mind before the pregnancy, it was after I found out I was pregnant and he told me he decided he didn’t want another baby! I feel like you’ve totally misread what I have said here.

OP posts:
Ohlookwhoitis · 17/04/2024 19:31

dogmandu · 17/04/2024 19:15

WTF have I just read? An attempt to control him? If the DH was so against having another child then it was up to him to stop it, he KNEW OP wasn't on contraception. How you can possibly turn this on OP is mindblowing. Are you one of those people who think contraception is purely for women?

No of course not but in a normal adult relationship if one partner knows the other is dead set against another pregnancy, and sees that they are both on course to get in the danger zone (so as to speak) then I find it strange that neither one of them call a halt to decide what to do. The OP states that she is banking on him changing his mind were she to get pregnant.
None of this sounds like responsible adult behaviour to me tbh.

You haven't once placed the blame where it belongs...on the DH. OP wasn't against having another child, he knew she wasn't using contraception, therefore HE should have prevented it. You are 100% wrong.

Onetiredbeing · 17/04/2024 19:32

GreyTonkinese · 17/04/2024 00:11

I would have the termination. It's all very well people saying keep the baby and leave him but you're not married, have a part-time job and no tertiary or job qualifications and will be looking after two young children and a baby on your own with no claim on the house. Nevertheless, I'd be planning my eventual escape from this relationship, hopefully after the successful treatment for your daughter, and with bullet-proof contraception in future. I'd be putting money aside and trying to increase my qualifications.

This . Not to mention bringing a child into the world that is unwanted. That is a cruel burden to place on a child.

dogmandu · 17/04/2024 19:41

@raffathegaffa

If I have misunderstood your posts then I apologise.

dogmandu · 17/04/2024 20:03

You haven't once placed the blame where it belongs...on the DH. OP wasn't against having another child, he knew she wasn't using contraception, therefore HE should have prevented it.

I've placed the blame on both, which is exactly where it should be. Even if op wanted another child, and knew he didn't, I think she should not have gone ahead until the situation was clarified..

Original poster
raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 20:10

dogmandu · 17/04/2024 20:03

You haven't once placed the blame where it belongs...on the DH. OP wasn't against having another child, he knew she wasn't using contraception, therefore HE should have prevented it.

I've placed the blame on both, which is exactly where it should be. Even if op wanted another child, and knew he didn't, I think she should not have gone ahead until the situation was clarified..

Can you please stop making stuff up now?
this is ridiculous and you need to get your facts straight because you have no idea what you are talking about.

OP posts:
Custardcreammachine · 17/04/2024 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Onetiredbeing · 17/04/2024 20:11

He is such a horrible man. Withholding treatment from his own child.. I just have no words. A baby who isn't wanted by him is just not the best thing for the future of a child. I hope you would leave him now that you have well and truly been presented with who he is. You are young enough to leave, start your life over and give your kids the life they deserve. I'm sorry you had to go through this. Your dp's sound supportive so you have support in leaving him. Just cannot believe some people treat their family like this.