AIBU to want to keep the baby

[raffathegaffa]

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

OP, it's not your job to convince us, but your posts honestly read like you haven't even convinced yourself. Not by a long way.

Why would you say that?

Why?

People like you need to ask why you make comments like that.

What motivates you?

@mrsdineen2, you've made me quite angry.

I'd love to know your motivation.

You post about the choice you made then try to railroad OP into following your choice, and her husband's choice. All I'm doing is gently encouraging OP to be clear that the choice she makes is HER choice. Because she'll be living with it.

What motivates you to railroad OP like you have?

Obviously I haven’t had the abortion yet, it’s on Monday. So I can’t really comment until it’s actually happened, but as of right now it’s going ahead and I’m just planning on taking things one day at a time until then

If I don’t tell myself this is the best thing for me and my two children, as much as I WISH I could keep this baby, I won’t do it. So I just have to keep saying I will.

👆👆👆

He's not her husband. They are not married. Railroading! Ha.

Your ilk are the ones that railroad and then bugger off. Leaving women with no support.

I will say, I will always say and maintain that abortion is a positive choice for women.

Especially when impregnated by terrible men.

But carry on. I've known women like you all my life. I don't dislike or hate you. I don't feel bad or sad. I feel that I will always advocate for women. I've been doing it for 40 years, since puberty.

I'm not going to stop.

Ever.

Yes. The woman who advocates for women is a troll

@raffathegaffa I've just seen your follow up about the kind of leukaemia you have. I’m not going to give you any more advice I just wanted to say it all sounds incredibly complex, I have no idea how I would handle having that kind of illness and I judged your limitations without knowing you or anything about how the condition affects you, I’m sorry. Being disabled myself I never considered my own views may be disabilist in themselves but having done some reading on the condition, I really have no right to have held the view I did. I do wish you a very long and healthy life, and hope you find peace in whatever choice you make

I have to come back to this and my point as to why both parties should take care of the birth control issue.

Because neither of them did, the OP is in a situation whereby she may decide it is necessary to have an abortion and all that that entails going forward.

To generalise ,of course the man has a responsibility for birth control if
he is the one that does not want a child, but the woman also has a responsibility as she would be in a situation where an abortion may take place and this is not a 'nothing', it's a big deal,. not just for the woman but also for the little life within.
It is always on both parties to take responsible decisions on birth control and the sooner this is understood the better for all .

@raffathegaffa, you will be ok.

You'll be fine. You will.

What exactly are you trying to achieve with this comment? Do you not think we are all suffering enough as it is?
Sick and tired of trying to explain myself to you tbh.

Thank you, and thank you for taking the time to understand the condition too. It is really not what people think in most cases.
Appreciated x

What exactly are you trying to achieve with this comment? Do you not think we are all suffering enough as it is?
Sick and tired of trying to explain myself to you tbh.

I am trying to make the general point to people saying it is always on the man to make the final decision on birth control and the woman is always blameless and has no say in an important matter that has far reaching effects on everybody. It smacks of woman are helpless at the hands of men and should absolve themselves of any responsibility.

I tried to make it clear that I was not referring to this case by my wording in the last paragraph. women need to know they have some agency here and that they should be part of the decision making on this.

Nobody said that.

Enough now.

Bugger off.

There is a big difference between being forced into a having an abortion by an abusive controlling partner and making the choice yourself because you feel it is the right thing to do for your existing children. OP wherever you are going for the abortion should be able to put you in touch with some counselling providers. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You are in an awful position and no one can tell you the right decision to make, it is your decision and yours alone. Sending big unmumsnetty hugs your way.

I'm not sure if you've answered this already, have you told your partner you're leaving him? I'm worried for you as I don't imagine he's going to take the news calmly.

Agreed. Op is in a mess who alls fault matters not. This woman is desperately trying to do what's best foe her and her children. Why would anyone no matter what they believe try to make it worse for her?

I am trying to make the general point to people saying it is always on the man to make the final decision on birth control and the woman is always blameless and has no say in an important matter that has far reaching effects on everybody. It smacks of woman are helpless at the hands of men and should absolve themselves of any responsibility

Nobody on this thread has said this.

I still think you're a man and you're still 100% wrong.

It is always on both parties to take responsible decisions on birth control and the sooner this is understood the better for all

Once again, OP has already explained that they had talked about having another child. Why would she have to organise contraception? It was HIM who changed his mind. That's why HE should have used contraception.

Yes I’ve told him. Him and his family are blocked at the moment as he will just harass me all day if he could. Usually at first when I say it’s over he’s like “good I don’t care” or something along those lines but then after things die down he is always filled with regret and apologies and I suspect this is what he will do this time to try and worm his way back in. Obviously because I’m financially dependent on him and because of my daughters severe food allergies, I have never wanted to split up because I’m terrified something will happen to her in their care (none of his family take it as seriously as me and I don’t trust them) . They all live in London too so the idea of him taking her down there without me present is just unthinkable for me right now with it being a 3h train or 4/5h drive.

The last time we “split up” was 2 months after our last baby was born so only last year, I had severe cellulitis in my leg and needed to be hospitalised for a week. He refused to come up, take time off work and look after his children whilst I rested in hospital and got better. He actually text my mum and told her that it was her and my dads responsibility to sort it out. As you can imagine they were livid but of course they’d do anything for me and their grandchildren. I couldn’t do that to my parents so in the end the hospital arranged for me to receive the IV antibiotics at home for a week at my parents house (whilst I hobbled around) they helped out so much during the day but I still had to do the night feeds etc as I couldn’t have expected my 70yr old dad getting up in the night, and my mum is a nurse so she needed her sleep.
After it was all over he was gushing with apology as he didn’t realise how serious it was. And I stupidly took him back.

I truly 100% think that you have nothing to feel ashamed about. It is your partner who should be feeling ashamed, not you. It does not reflect poorly on you at all and I'd be really surprised if your child's school thought negatively. Look how many people on this thread are appalled at the position your partner has put you in.

I also understand that you didn't want this for your children. The best thing would be if your partner was loving and kind and a supportive partner (and father). But he's chosen not to be. The only thing you can control is how you react to that. You've chosen to provide a healthy safe loving home for you and your children by leaving him. I think that's a decision to be really proud of.

I hope things go well for you and your children whatever you decide re the abortion.

I'm so sorry, @raffathegaffa. What an unenviable position you are in. Sometimes choices like this seem impossible and will not be without cost whatever you ultimately decide. It's unfair, and it's callous, and you've been treated abominably cruelly.

In these circumstances, and with a clearer sense as to what your future will look like in view of the above, I think you've arrived at the right and perhaps the only decision. It's so hard, given that ideally you wanted this baby, but your partner has made your position untenable.

You're clearly a concerned and loving mother, and deserve far better out of life than this.

Tough though it is, I hope this is your first step on the way to finding it. Post next week for support if you need it. Sending all positivity your way ❤

Your parents must be so relieved you've finally decided to get rid of him for good. The immediate future is obviously going to be a really difficult time for you, but once you're through it and starting to rebuild your life you will be so glad you broke free.

I know you've got hundreds of things to think about now, but contact the doctor that is treating your eldest and get some evidence about him having cancelled and then reinstated the treatment. And make sure you keep all messages from him about this situation. He's clearly a very nasty piece of work and I think it's likely he'll try to get full custody of the kids in court. Not because he wants them, but because he wants to hurt you. Proving that he withdrew your daughters medicine to bully you into an abortion will be good evidence to support your case.

Apply for Universal credit, find a way to apply for a council flat and state you will be homeless with 2 children and one on the way. Talk to your family. Is there a chance you could move back home temporarily? He's been a total ass*. The heartbeat is there from about 6-7 weeks. The baby will feel. Sorry to say that. It's your right to fight for your baby, the baby has nobody else to fight for him, but you. Hope it works well for you. He doesn't deserve to be a father.

A hard choice can still be the right one and @raffathegaffa you are totally right you main priority is your two current children and making sure they are ok and protecting them and yourself from this man. Leaving and creating your own family unit is the right choice and no one should judge you for making an incredibly difficult choice to ensure that