To ask if you have anxiety, do you act like a dick to people when anxious?!

[Loikiu]

Okay this sounds extremely insensitive like I have no empathy, however, please hear me out.

Anxiety is a natural human emotion and I get that when someone is anxious you can snap at people, be abrupt and look like you're in a bad mood. I've done it myself.

BUT
Where do you cross the line from me being anxious and irritable with people to demanding everything revolves around me and blowing up if someone does something that makes me anxious?

I have a family member who has anxiety and they are extremely demanding. The anxious stuff is always something not to be anxious about. They are rude, angry and expect everyone to do whatever they need to reduce their anxiety even if it comes at a cost to themselves. I just feel it's given them a licence to act like a dick with people. There's never any apologies after. If anything they think people should know better and know exactly what they should and shouldn't do.

It's utterly exhausting and honestly I feel like I'm tiptoeing around them. I actually limit how much I see them as more interactions, usually more chance of them getting mad at me for something I didn't even know would get them mad

The anxious stuff is always something not to be anxious about.

Anxiety disorder isn't exactly rational, you can just be anxious about nothing at all.

It isn't an excuse for being a dick though. You can't change anyone else though only your reaction to them so either ignore them when they blow up or avoid them. If you kick off about it you will just look like an asshole and it will change nothing.

It would make me more anxious to think I’d pissed people off tbh

Sometimes I can be short tempered, because all of my energy is going into managing my anxiety. But I try to own that it's mine and not make it anyone else's issue - so eg I'm scared of flying, we went away at Easter but it's for me to manage my anxiety about that and not give it to others so waiting at the airport I'll say 'I'm pacing for a bit cos it helps my anxiety ' and my DC will roll their eyes and carry on scrolling YouTube and eating Burger King.

My anxiety is mine.

That's my point. Sometimes I might do something that I don't know would cause them anxiety so why do they blow their top? It's almost like I'm supposed to be a mind reader to their possible reactions and thoughts to any given circumstances.

No but I go very quiet and internalise everything when I feel very emotional in any way including anxiety. I can come across as moody when that happens but I am never rude/mean.

I had anxiety for a couple of years (diagnosed). I expected people to understand if there were things I didn’t feel able to do, like big social events or long journeys. I didn’t expect anyone to change their plans or routines to accommodate me. It was really hard though, and I don’t know what it would be like to live with that level of anxiety long term.

Also, some people are dicks with or without anxiety.

Anxiety can present differently in different people. Being bad tempered isn't unusual. However, you can't reasonably expect to be horrible to people and never apologise. Anxiety does not excuse mistreating people. I'd be putting some distance between myself and this family member.

An anxiety disorder is very different to every day anxiety, and it sounds like they have an anxiety disorder. Are they getting help for it?
Unmanaged severe anxiety can consume a person to the point they can’t see the impact on others, if it’s managed, then yes, they should be more mindful of others.

"Blow their top" - exactly. For some people, the anxiety goes to an immediate boil. Generally, I'd say anxiety leads to a desperate, self-preservation URGE, primal urge, to CONTROL the situation. If they can control the situation, they will be safe.

If they're that triggered, that might manifest as shouting, making everyone walk on eggshells etc

It's not fair. They should apologise afterwards, but often not apologising is all part of their safety mechanism. Doesn't make it ok, but if you imagine their dick behaviour as a very genuinely scared and confused inner child, it's a bit easier.

We are all justifiably anxious about some situations. However it seems to have been pathologised, and for most people without a diagnosis. You have a diagnosis, fine, otherwise I really can't be bothered.

I am anxious about some things, and put strategies in place, e.g. making sure I'm on time, I don't bother other people with it. For some people it's a genuine condition. For others I think it's a performative 'look at me, I'm special', and I have no truck with it.

I have been known to be a bit of a dick in the heat of the moment / normally manifests as quite ratty / snappy. Sometimes I'm aware enough to say 'I'm sorry I'm snapping, I need to XYZ"
I do apologise after and then over-think like mad that I'm a bad person etc. etc. hence my user name.
I do take medication, I have had talking therapies and GENERALLY I think I keep it away from other people and it's an internal thing that might stop me doing things but doesn't impact others.

Of course, SOME people just use mental health issues as an excuse to be dicks all the time and don't WANT to get better as it suits their needs. Unfortunately, it's probably not always easy to tell them apart.

I think it's okay to have limits / boundaries of what you are prepared to accept though .

@nothingcomestonothing my anxiety is mine. I love that. It makes you take ownership of it instead of blaming others. I don't think I've ever seen it like that before. It's always been I've caused this person anxiety. And family member thinks you have have caused this anxiety. Blame is very much a big part of their thing.

Remember, even dick heads can suffer from anxiety.

And this person certainly sounds like a dick, who just happens to suffer from it.

They should have intensive therapy and learn better management strategies, because what they are doing is unacceptable. (I have PTSD, generalised anxiety and panic disorder.)

Depends what kind of anxiety they have.

In general people should learn to manage their anxiety but if someone is having a panic attack or in a ptsd flashback they are unlikely to be able to in the moment.

That'd be part of long term therapy.

It would be difficult to be around and you are absolutely entitled to pull back but not all responses to anxiety are controllable,

I think it's not at all uncommon for anxiety and other mental illnesses to cause people to lash out at others, but that doesn't mean it's OK. One of the reasons I take medication despite being a bit ambivalent about it is that I'm not able to be the mother, partner and friend I want to be without it. Identifying that anxiety is the reason you're behaving badly should be the start of the process of trying to resolve that, not the end of the process where you know why and so everyone else has to accept it.

@GrumpyOldCroneit's just so confusing. I don't know anyone else that has anxiety and acts like this. I feel awful for saying this but I have run out of empathy. I would never dream of standing up to them previously. I would just do as they say. But lately, I've started to stand up to it and their behaviour has gone even worse.

No, because I've always seen it as very much my problem to manage, and to put anyone out in any way is just unthinkable - and by that I mean, I just wouldn't even consider it.
However i will say that it depends on your opinion of 'putting someone else out'!
I'm quite happy to sit while people do an activity, eat sides while other people eat mains, go home if people want to go to a club - I don't make a big deal out of it, more a 'that sounds great! I'm going to do xx instead, you guys have fun' - but its other people who will have a problem with that approach!
It wouldn't even cross my mind to (for example) say 'we have to eat at X restaurant not Y, because I'm anxious about not finding anything on the menu at Y' - because it's my problem, not anyone else's, and to put anyone else like that will mean THEY HATE ME and think I'm ANNOYING and (you get the picture)
But then what I will say is that my anxiety manifests in over-planning 'backup plans-, so it is genuinely highly unlikely that I wouldn't be able to come up with a backup plan on the spot. I think if your anxiety doesn't include this 'handy' feature it must be so hard!

The apology afterwards is controllable.

And the OP says this person never apologises.

Well done for standing up for yourself! The fact that the behaviour got worse in response to this suggests to me that the key reason for the behaviour is dickheadedness rather than anxiety.

I suffer with quite bad anxiety at times but I tend to keep away from people when it is bad. However, I have a family member who does exactly what you are describing. Everyone is walking on eggshells around them and they shout and storm off over things that haven’t even happened. I get the irrationality of anxiety as I have it myself but I do things to try and prevent or control it. I feel this family member only makes a half hearted attempt and seems to have resigned themselves to a lifetime of feeling shit about everything and there is a lot of blame being thrown around. It’s really tedious and makes me not want to see them.

I was about to write this exact comment. My family know when I am anxious as I go very quiet, and just ‘zone out’.

Well, this isn't anxiety that I recognise tbh. For me I shut down but everyone is different I guess.

I do wonder if your standard narcissistic dick likes to use anxiety as an excuse for bad behaviour though?

I can be really snappy in the runup to a panic attack. I hiss tbh. It's hard to describe, but it's like I'm enraged anyone is distracting me from focusing on my surroundings. Like, for the love of god ya gobshite, I'm here watching out for imminent life threatening peril and here you are yammering away at me. So I stay at home. Not recommending this approach btw, but that's how I 'deal' with (IE, not at all).

I've been on anxiety meds since 2008 and I've never been a dick when anxious. Anxiety is never an excuse to act like a twat.