To ask if you have anxiety, do you act like a dick to people when anxious?!

[Loikiu]

Okay this sounds extremely insensitive like I have no empathy, however, please hear me out.

Anxiety is a natural human emotion and I get that when someone is anxious you can snap at people, be abrupt and look like you're in a bad mood. I've done it myself.

BUT
Where do you cross the line from me being anxious and irritable with people to demanding everything revolves around me and blowing up if someone does something that makes me anxious?

I have a family member who has anxiety and they are extremely demanding. The anxious stuff is always something not to be anxious about. They are rude, angry and expect everyone to do whatever they need to reduce their anxiety even if it comes at a cost to themselves. I just feel it's given them a licence to act like a dick with people. There's never any apologies after. If anything they think people should know better and know exactly what they should and shouldn't do.

It's utterly exhausting and honestly I feel like I'm tiptoeing around them. I actually limit how much I see them as more interactions, usually more chance of them getting mad at me for something I didn't even know would get them mad

Please stop using hormones as an excuse for an abusive person
it's more of a learning curve around what I can and can't say, and when. this is not. healthy relationship

This was a colleague of mine. She is a sensitive person and can be sweet but also doesn’t have a filter and is honest - and that is without anxiety. She suffers with depression and anxiety to the point where she is on medication. She once had an argument with a client because of her “anxiety” - they couldn’t agree on the same thing but she was in the wrong for turning it into an argument as the client was pretty calm.

It’s crazy how much it takes over.

My sister went through a bad bout of anxiety before she moved away and it was really really hard to deal with. Our boys are the same age and best friends so we saw a lot of each other, they also attended the same school.
She would shout at me in public and sometimes in the school playground in front of other parents and she also just wouldn't listen to me at all when she was off on one of her moods. One time while out at a farm park I asked her to look after the boys while I nipped to the toilet and she said yes but turns out she wasn't listening to what she was saying yes to and I came back and she started screaming at me in front of the whole park about leaving her and how she didn't know where I was and then demanded that we leave. We had come in her car so I had no choice and the kids were really upset. Never any apology really, just a big, long-winded explanation about why she's like that while I sat there listening to her go in detail about why she just treated me like a child and humiliated me.
She went mad in the library once because she couldn't print something out that she needed and some of my work colleauges were there. I nearly died.

It can really affect everyone around the person and until she moved away, I didn't realise how nervous and on edge it made me feel. It was actually nice to start doing things with other people and not have to worry about what sort of mood they would be in.

Anyway, you have to remember that yes, this person has anxiety but that doesn't make them more important than you and you have a right to set boundaries and make sure you are looking afteyourself and your family too. You don't hve to put yourself out just because htey are unwell. You are not their therapist.

Anxiety is normal
Expecting everyone else to modify their behaviour to make you feel better is not.
You have to take responsibility for your own emotions and behaviour. Unfortunately, I think it’s becoming more common. Entitled behaviour!

Some people with anxiety are also just dicks.
Mental Health issues are not an excuse to treat other people terribly.
I have quite bad anxiety, and like a PP I would feel even more anxious thinking I'd upset or annoyed someone else with my behaviour when I'm in a anxiety spiral.
I'm sure I probably do annoy people sometimes but a lot of my anxiety symptoms predominantly affect me (picking my skin, trouble sleeping etc).
I definitely have a shorter fuse when I'm anxious but I would apologise and feel really bad if I had snapped at someone because of it.

As a person who has suffered with anxiety all of my adult life (especially social anxiety and health anxiety) it’s really sad to read here that some posters are putting up with shitty, rude and borderline abusive behaviour from friends and family members because anxiety has been used as an excuse. 😕

I expect my anxiety makes me difficult to live with at times because it can cause me to go completely into myself, retreat from others and avoid conversation/hugs etc. It can also cause me to be a bit short with people- if this happens, I always apologise almost immediately and say ‘This is not you, it’s me, I’m anxious. Sorry for snapping at you’.

Some of the behaviour people are putting up with as described on this thread should not be blamed on anxiety IMO. I’d be mortified if my MH condition was causing me to be so unkind to the people I love.

Take your own advice and fuck off tom. A certain level of anxiety as a response to particular situations is of course normal. Anxiety as a condition is debilitating and shit. You cannot compare the two. As to expecting others to change their behaviour, no, that cannot be an expectation. A bit of understanding would be nice. But 'entitled behaviour' for a diagnosed medical condition?

@C1N1C

Do you think that you should put up with abuse, then, as long as it's not intentional?

Anxiety is crippling… I doubt someone feeling anxious would ‘have a go’… they’d be more likely to run and hide and cry somewhere surely?!
Sounds more like a spoilt child using this to get their own way

I'd just cut them out. Who's got time and headspace for this bollocks?

I have anxiety but I think I am the opposite of your post - I would rather curl up into a ball and hide than offend someone, double guess what I've said to people and ruminate on things if I suspect it was taken badly.

I am not convinced that your family member has anxiety, personally.

Many anxious people become defensive when triggered, and that can easily translate into 'attack'. You're talking about one response to to anxiety; there are many.

I know someone who has recently been diagnosed with ASD who acts like that though? Maybe their diagnosis needs changing.
It's funny though as before she was diagnosed she was quite aware of her behaviour when it went "over the line". Now she has a label she seems happier to be rude without apology, so there may be something in that.

Hi.

I suffer from anxiety and if it's bad the last thing I am is demanding or awkward, I want to hide away from human or social contact or if it's unavoidable fade into the background as much as I can and to avoid as much attention as is feasible. I'd say sometimes I'm trying to do the Swan on a Pond looking calm but peddling like mad underneath.

But some people with Anxiety project it on to the people closest to them, instead of internalising it, and the ones I am talking about, do it in a really nasty way. For example if they don't want to go somewhere or don't want to be in somebody's company they will just make the situation unbearable for others.
Anxiety isn't just crying alone.

I think there's a difference between feeling anxiety, and acting upon it. We can all choose how to act. If not, we are not responsible adults.

But if you suffer from anxiety, it's much more of a challenge to control how you act, and it's easier for it to accidentally slip into being unreasonable or unfavourable.

Some sympathy is appropriate for those suffering for anxiety, but recipients of their loss of control must maintain their own boundaries: nobody needs to accept behaviour they're not comfortable to accept, unless they are legally responsible for the person exhibiting the behaviour.

I think I said it above somewhere, but it's sometimes just 'losing your shit' because you're so uncomfortable/ terrified. It's not rational, and it's certainly not fair on those around you, but it's a sort of 'get me out of this situation now' thing. It's absolute panic. But it absolutely must be shit to live with it (me).

When I first met my now husband I noticed that his behaviour changed when we were in a crowded place or certain new situations. He would become quiet , appear moody and clearly need to escape when we were previously having a great time. The first time this happened I waited until we were calmly away and asked what had happened. He explained his anxiety in particular environments and apologised for his behaviour change. We then discussed what would be best when he felt that way and he now quietly tells me when he struggling and he either leaves and waits at another location or we leave together if possible.

Basically , you can be diagnosed with anxiety and not be a dick. You have to be prepared to own up and work on strategies. The person the op describes sounds unreasonable.

I agree with most of what you say here, but there are times when you do actually lose control. I remember my first panic attack, I just couldn't look at my computer screen. I could look for a couple of seconds and then I'd have to look away. I genuinely couldn't sit still. It was a physical thing. I thought I was having a heart attack. I wouldn't think that now having been through it before, but I do still get the physical symptoms from time to time. I just don't call an ambulance now.

Well, under balanced thyroid meds it reduces significantly. She'll joke about it like it's one of her quirks "in sickness and hell" as she puts it. I just try to ignore those moments.

Mmm. My parent enjoys making 'humorous' comments and jokes about their behaviour too. Sometimes they buy their partner 'jokey' birthday cards that reference the behaviour.

My parent also views their behaviour as 'quirky'. Of course, they're really quite unique. Special. They're just more sensitive, more creative than everyone else. They feel things much more deeply. Life is just very hard for them. Too hard to work, or cook food or clean the house.

Not like the rest of us, who are viewed as cardboard-cut-outs. Grey drones here to serve. Servile punching bags, if you like.

I have anxiety and I have acted like a dick about it yeah... or come across as controlling.
I do try my best and I do apologise but sometimes you really can't help acting like a dick because you've been massively triggered.
Obviously you can't go around being shit to people... but it's true that having anxiety can sometimes cause people to act like a twat.
I'd be looking at how they communicate and what steps they are taking to deal with it, when judging if I want to continue any connection to this person.
Are they suggesting having anxiety gives them carte blanche to act however they want any time and never having to address that?
Or have they apologised or tried to explain or tried to take steps to address the issue?

Anxiety can cause people to become irritable and impatient. I know it’s not ideal but I guess a lot of mental illnesses cause people to behave in mays that could be perceived as difficult so it’s tricky if you’re on the receiving end of it.

That said you have to work with the person. I smiled when I read pp account of her husband and working on strategies. I’m dragged by the scruff of my beck into situations I’ve said time and time again I can’t cope with and surprise surprise I don’t do that well.

Yeah that’s how it is for me to. Some poor soul will be interacting with me in a perfectly fine and normal way and I just want to almost literally scream with frustration/fear because they’re distracting me from Constant Vigilance. I don’t scream obviously but do tend to be a bit short which probably comes across as rude.

That's the 'beauty' of it isn't it, if you avoid the situations, the anxiety will get worse but often if you put yourself in them in doesn't end well!