To ask if you have anxiety, do you act like a dick to people when anxious?!

[Loikiu]

Okay this sounds extremely insensitive like I have no empathy, however, please hear me out.

Anxiety is a natural human emotion and I get that when someone is anxious you can snap at people, be abrupt and look like you're in a bad mood. I've done it myself.

BUT
Where do you cross the line from me being anxious and irritable with people to demanding everything revolves around me and blowing up if someone does something that makes me anxious?

I have a family member who has anxiety and they are extremely demanding. The anxious stuff is always something not to be anxious about. They are rude, angry and expect everyone to do whatever they need to reduce their anxiety even if it comes at a cost to themselves. I just feel it's given them a licence to act like a dick with people. There's never any apologies after. If anything they think people should know better and know exactly what they should and shouldn't do.

It's utterly exhausting and honestly I feel like I'm tiptoeing around them. I actually limit how much I see them as more interactions, usually more chance of them getting mad at me for something I didn't even know would get them mad

Yes my youngest can be rude and snappy with anxiety. But we can tell when she’s got it bad. It’s not fun being in the receiving end but then I know what goes on in her head and it’s a million times worse than my brief annoyance at her being short with us. My girls are the first I’ve ever had to deal with mental health and it’s a learning curve but has made me more aware of what others go through.

If you don't mind me asking, did it take you a long time to find a good fit with your meds? I've been through a few and never found anything helped. And then being a hermit becomes sort of a habit iyswim.

Is this a parent ?

I do the exact opposite and over apologise constantly. It’s pathetic. I feel I’m to blame for everything.
I also believe that anxiety and depression are never an excuse to be rude to people

My son can be like that at times
A bit of Dick @Loikiu

Anxiety is much different from arsehole behavior.

Are they like this with their boss?

People say I do, but I don't see it myself. 😡

No but I go quiet and aloof, making it look like I'm cold and unfriendly.

I don't think acting like a dick would be the phrasing I'd choose but my DH has anxiety and panic attacks (diagnosed and medicated) and I'm not sure he realises how it affects the rest of us sometimes. If he is having a bad day he is hyperfocussed on himself and becomes less involved with family life. He needs a lot of reassurance that he is not actively dying. Sometimes he shuts down and needs to go sleep for hours. Plans can be cancelled last minute. If he is having a run of panic attacks he can become pretty insular and hermitted. We married in sickness and health and I love him and he is an excellent DH and father but this relatively recent diagnosis has been a challenge.

My DM and DGM have fairly severe anxiety which they have never sought help for which presents more like the behaviours you are describing. They really struggle with change and anything they don't have control over which can result in some fairly rude behaviour. For example my DM had an operation cancelled that she has been waiting a long time for which has been devasting for her but DGM (who was very anxious about the operation) is delighted that it has been cancelled and that DM can run her to her coffee morning every week now and has been telling DM this continually.

I have episodes of acute anxiety eg can't get out of bed, can't eat just want to fall asleep and not wake up again - this is usually triggered by some major event (divorce, bereavement). I have never been a dick to anybody when I am like this in fact all I want is to be left alone.

@Foxblue when I mean by putting someone out, I mean that we need to change / alter things around her even though it can make things difficult for us.

As an example, I don't like X person so you can't talk to them or tell them anything about me to them. I'm anxious to go to X place , so I'm going to demand my elderly and ill DM to pick me up in an Uber and drop me off home. They live with their parents and one time their dsis was homeless as she left an abusive relationship and she came back to the hometown to start again. Parents told her yes move in with us for a couple of months before you find your own place. She has 3 kids (12, 9, 9) who are really well behaved. Nope, sorry I get too anxious when there's kids in the house so you'll have to stay on the streets.

This doesn't sound like anxiety as much as manipulation to get their own way.

I'm guessing though that the parents constantly appease it so you'd be the bad guy if you didn't pander to her too. I am too long in the tooth to pander to this kind of stuff. I would do my own thing and let her stew in it tbh. I wouldn't have ANYONE tell me who I could spend time with - unless it was something extremely serious like SA that they'd committed against my relative. If they just don't get on with that person then that's just tough.

Maybe tell your parents that giving in to anxious thoughts just makes them worse - google the anxiety cycle. And don't feel that it's your job to make things better for your relative.

BTW the thing about the sibling not being allowed to come home is absolutely appalling and I'm so sorry if that was you.

I have really severe anxiety, it doesn't make me act like a dick to people or be verbally aggressive. Nor would I expect a by ball for it if I did.

Some people take responsibility for their own MH and minimise ts impact on others.

That is how it's supposed to be.

Others don't take any responsibility for it ad expect others to bend to their will to reduce their anxiety.

Unfortunately, as you have seen, it's not always possible to do that or reasonable either.

Developing coping strategies is reasonable. Expecting those coping strategies to include others being a mind reader is not.

I don't like X person so you can't talk to them or tell them anything about me to them

In this example, expecting you to not see the person they dislike is unreasonable but asking you not to tell them anything about them is reasonable.

Expecting someone else to minimise their own life, friendships, relationships etc is a form of control.

Managing your own anxiety trhough controlling others is abusive.

You don’t get to decide what is a trigger for someone else’s anxiety.

however, the rudeness from them is unacceptable.

what examples of things can you give which has caused them to blow up, how often do you see this person?

i feel like you both need to communicate better with each other

No, like @Foxblue, my issues are mine to handle.

And the person with anxiety has to manage it by the same token. They don't get to dictate how everyone else should behave.

If you read the OP's other posts then you'd be aware of the examples.

How would communication help when it's just one person making unreasonable demands of those around them. People who are unreasonable don't tend to have productive conversations.

Nope. Being a dick and having anxiety are not connected traits. Some people are both.

In all honesty, yes sometimes. When my anxiety gets really bad literally everything feels like the end of the world to me and sometimes I end up snapping at family members for minor things that usually wouldn’t bother me. It doesn’t happen very often and I always feel terrible afterwards and apologise profusely. It doesn’t help that certain family members don’t understand my anxiety at all and end up shouting at me for not being rational, which makes everything worse. I find it really difficult to behave in a calm and rational way when I’m in the middle of an anxiety attack.

Sounds like your family member has more of an issue with being demanding and a lack of interest in how it affects others. I can be in fight or flight when anxious so act in an OTT way but I'm aware of it being difficult for others and have had years of treatment to try to control.

Its too complex a disorder/illness and too variable across those who experience it to say for sure what people should and should not be able to do or control.
For that reason, I think if you're living with a person with anxiety, it's the wrong question to ask. The question should really be, regardless of whether they can help it or not, this is how they are behaving, so can i tolerate it? If the answer is no, you need to be working to distance yourself from them, or if that's impossible (because they're your child) creating boundaries to protect yourself.
Because whether they can help it or not makes no difference to the experience of being on the receiving end, and over time that will take its toll on you. Trying to diagnose and pick out the controllable parts so you can tell them to stop isn't a viable solution, so you can only change your response.

The anxious stuff is always something not to be anxious about

Anxiety gets worse when it is said or inferred that you 'shouldn't' be anxious, so your attitude here, spoken or unspoken, won't be helping.

They are allowed to be anxious. They are allowed to be a dick. They are allowed to be rude. You are allowed to tell them you don't like it. You are allowed to choose not to spend time with them. You are allowed to not be empathic.

Take responsibility for your own behaviour and choices, and let them take responsibility for theirs. This isn't about 'whether they crossed a line'; it's about 'what you do when you are no longer comfortable putting up with something'

I didn't see it like that. I saw it as anxiety is getting worse because I'm doing not doing as they want so hence worse behaviour

The "being a dick" might arise from a low sense of self worth (which can go hand-in-hand with something like chronic anxiety), a lack of self awareness, emotional immaturity (which might entail having little reflective capacity and consideration for how your behaviour impacts others).

There's probably more going on than anxiety. But of course that doesn't excuse the behaviour.

I think in a situation like this, the problem arises when nobody else involved actually challenges/questions the assertion that "kids make me too anxious so they can't stay" or suggests a compromise, or offers understanding. e.g. Yes, kids might make the person anxious, but someone has to step in and say, yes, I understand you feel this way but the family is in a dire situation and need to stay with us, and we'll help you cope.