To ask if you have anxiety, do you act like a dick to people when anxious?!

[Loikiu]

Okay this sounds extremely insensitive like I have no empathy, however, please hear me out.

Anxiety is a natural human emotion and I get that when someone is anxious you can snap at people, be abrupt and look like you're in a bad mood. I've done it myself.

BUT
Where do you cross the line from me being anxious and irritable with people to demanding everything revolves around me and blowing up if someone does something that makes me anxious?

I have a family member who has anxiety and they are extremely demanding. The anxious stuff is always something not to be anxious about. They are rude, angry and expect everyone to do whatever they need to reduce their anxiety even if it comes at a cost to themselves. I just feel it's given them a licence to act like a dick with people. There's never any apologies after. If anything they think people should know better and know exactly what they should and shouldn't do.

It's utterly exhausting and honestly I feel like I'm tiptoeing around them. I actually limit how much I see them as more interactions, usually more chance of them getting mad at me for something I didn't even know would get them mad

The anxiety can result in a complete lack of control though. You just lose it, common sense goes out the window and paranoia comes in. And a whole load of physical sensations/symptoms to fight. It can be so overwhelming. It can just lead to a complete meltdown. Not excusing anyone being a dick, and definitely appreciate it must be hell to live with, but it can really just take over mind and body.

Ironically there's a woman on the radio talking about anxiety right now 😬

My husband had a year of appalling anxiety for which he had medication and counseling and is happily now 100% better (although we still never take his mental health for granted).

Throughout the whole horrible period he was his normal loving, considerate self with me, family and friends. If anything, he was extra loving because he was upset that his anxiety was impacting others. It wasn't, he's a darling and we all just wanted to support him to get well again.

It sounds like your family member OP is revealing something about themself that is perhaps there despite the anxiety. You are doing the right thing to draw a line and set boundaries.

If someone acts like a dick when anxious, it’s because they’re a dick, not because they’re anxious.

Thanks 🙄

Hmm they sound like a controlling narcissist to me. I get snappy when anxious but I don't think I can control what others do and nor would I expect anyone to run around for me.

Sure I'll get flamed but the family members of people with mental health conditions often have to put up with a huge amount of shit.

I have a parent with various mental health problems. Their self-centredness and selfishness is off the fucking scale. No interest, concern or empathy for anyone else. The world revolves around their demands. Everyone else is simply here to serve this person. They make no effort to help themselves or listen to the advice of the many, many health professionals they see.

Oh but they can't help it. It's mental health. The rest of us need to be more understanding.

I've fucking had enough, actually. And my empathy is running extremely low.

You're making a few generalisations there. There are plenty of people who do make efforts to improve.It's just all consuming mentally. I absolutely understand that it must be awful to live with, but not everyone is a Mrs Bennett from Pride and Prejudice.

Yes I do, OP. Then I apologise.
Have been managing GAD for most of my life, no meds.
Brought up to be tough by silent generation parents in another country. What a shit. 😁
Sometimes it's not that bad, sometimes it's overwhelming.
My husband became very kind and understanding over 20 years.
Oh well! 😅

Well yes, their anxiety might be worse when you’re not doing what they want. But that doesn’t give them the right to be controlling and manipulative. How they manage their behaviour is their responsibility, not yours.

Thing is with anxiety disorder you are constantly in a state of fight or flight mode so I can imagine that's why the persons nerves are coming out as demanding which I understand is annoying for you.

Having had one myself in the past it was such a traumatising time to be constantly on edge. Please remember this person isn't acting like this on purpose. Although you don't understand why they could be anxious, to them it's a huge deal.

I couldn't go to public spaces after an awful experience out of the country and every so often being in a busy situation puts me on edge now. It used to leave me feeling sick and I'd panic if I couldn't see a way out or a toilet to be able to run into 😣 really was awful. I do feel for you it can't be easy putting up with it. I'm suprised people stayed friends with me when I'd just want to stay home all the time as was too frightened to go out.

Well obviously not everyone who has anxiety is rude, demanding and angry.

It sounds like your family member is just unpleasant.

I’m not demanding but I am hyper vigilant, a bit paranoid and painfully self conscious and I’m told I often come across as stand offish and rude to people. Which isn’t my intention.

As someone who battles anxiety, a lot of anxiety and the resultant behaviours lead to an overwhelmed need to control. Intrusive thoughts lead you to want to control as much as possible to offset disaster and to stay safe. The more you give in to and accommodate those thoughts the worse it gets and the more restricted life becomes. They are not helping themselves by trying to extend their control outwards to others but that isn't your business.

You can't change how they are choosing to live. Their anxiety is not your responsibility. Live how you want, speak to who you want. What they are asking is unreasonable, their lack of apology is unreasonable and it is perfectly fine for you to give them consequences in terms of how much you interact with them.

Things that my XP blamed on his anxiety disorder:

Taking all our camping gear and possessions out of a packed car and throwing them in the mud of a farmyard while screaming at me in front of 2 year old DS (apparently he was anxious about driving my car. Shame he didn't use his words to tell me that);

Being incredibly rude and snappy with me when he'd lost his phone, followed by engineering an argument where he harangued me without stopping for 2 hours (he was anxious because I was concentrating on getting DC out of the car when he turned up so didn't greet him properly);

Getting drunk, engineering another argument, then insisting on driving half an hour home (I'd had an argument with my parents and it put him on edge).

I'm sure he does have an anxiety disorder. But- and I'm no expert here- on the strength of this behaviour, I would diagnose him with a condition known as Being A Massive Cunt.

I have been diagnosed with GAD for years. It's exhausting to live with but I think I can say hand on heart, I have never been bad tempered with it. I often think I try to control things to accommodate it but not to the detriment of other people's needs or feelings.

@nothingcomestonothing "my DC will roll their eyes and carry on scrolling YouTube and eating Burger King"

"My anxiety is mine"

I love this - it made me laugh. It's exactly how my kids are. Amusing them with my quirks helps me to laugh at myself 😁

Yes, all of this. I am an anxious sort in general and I imagine it can make me not the most relaxing company sometimes. But I work very very hard at using strategies to manage it to minimise the impact on others.
I certainly do not expect people to walk on eggshells around me or help me manage my anxiety- that’s for me to sort out. Although actually my DH is a kind person so will often help me by offering a big warm hug or some sensible advice if he can see I’m struggling.

But no, anxiety (and other MH conditions) are not a reason to be rude, selfish or difficult.

This is the discharge note from when my Mother discharged herself from hospital against medical advice, despite having a pulmonary embolism and acute kidney injury, because anxiety.

Incidentally, this took place on the day my 2nd baby was due.

She died two months later.

This is my wife in a nutshell.

I love her, but due to hormonal imbalances, she can be very very (exhaustingly) difficult (stress/anxiety...). Day to day, she's ok, and with her friends, she puts on a facade, but if there's the slightest bit of stress or anxiety, I'm a punching bag.

A great example are holidays, and I've said this to her... She loves them, I love them, but the JOURNEY is a nightmare. I try my best to literally avoid her until we are actually at the destination, as the travel to the airport, checking in, passport control, the stress of the flight, and all the travel at the destination before we get to the hotel makes her insanely anxious, and even asking whether she's hungry will result in being snapped at.
I've posted on MN before about how we used to go on literally a city break a month, and maybe the odd long-haul trip too, but we've cut right down. She asks me to book holidays, or make suggestions, and she has occasionally even resorted to 'spite holidays' with friends without me because I've just lost all motivation to go. I'm not going to stop her going alone, a bit of an escape is actually nice... of course I'd never say this to her.

Dinner is another one. I do the shopping and cooking. I ask around midday whether she'll be ready at 5 for dinner. I then ask again around say 4 to check, and start preparing. Things like stir-fry, you can't really reheat or 'pause'. It's ready at 5, so I'll say it's ready and I'll just get snapped at "Yes, I'm working!". If I then eat on my own, it's passive aggressive, but if I wait to start cooking until she's done, or don't remind her that it's 5, it could get to 7 pm and then I'm snapped at because it's going to be another half hour until it's done or that it's too late to eat...

It's any stress, any anxiety. People will hate me for saying this, but it's like I live by a keeper's manual... don't ask her anything before midday, don't ask what she wants for dinner, if we travel, make sure there are snacks in the car, if there's traffic-keep a low profile. My brain has a filter on it now, almost rehearsing 20 ways to say something in my head from experience of all the times an innocent comment has been attacked.

My Dad is like this. You would have no idea what might set him off and it wasn't consistent. Something that would have been fine one day would set him off the next.
He doesn't have anxiety, he's just a selfish, bad tempered twat.

I have a close family relative who behaves like a dick when anxious.

@C1N1C Do you ever snap back at her? Do you tell her that you are not her punchbag? Do you ask her why her friends get to see her sunny side, while you're subjected to all this anger and spite?

It sounds like you have Stockholm Syndrome.

@C1N1C
I'm not sure that's all anxiety, she sounds very abusive and controlling

@hayless @Kelly51 It's all hormone/med-based. We had a honeymoon and her meds weren't on point at that time and I was literally afraid to say anything the whole time. We actually went into a pharmacy with one of those blood pressure machines and I was at about 160 just from the stress.

Then she made adjustments to her (thyroid) meds and she's calmed down quite a bit, but yeah, the above is where I am now. I'm quite easy going so can brush off a lot of the snappiness, but it's more of a learning curve around what I can and can't say, and when. I don't have a temper (more of a rational talker), I've never even raised my voice. Her last relationship was all shouting and arguments because (I suspect), he fought back. I think I hold on to the person she can be when her meds are on point as that's who I genuinely believe she can be. So I don't think it's 'intentional' abuse. Hormones heightens the stress, the stress results in anxiety, and the anxiety leads to either aggression or the opposite, depression.

As for her friends, she is good at faking being social. She's a bit of an introvert (like me). Some know about her imbalances, but to the best of my knowledge are only really aware of her depression and (rarely) suicidal tendencies... both hormone-based. I don't think they've seen the snappiness. I think it's like being out with relatives - for those few hours, you can be whatever image you want!