To be expected to run around after another's child?

[Blondeandbeautifullol]

Hi, my child has specialist sports coaching outside of school. One of his frenemies parents discovered this and has decided their child should do it too as their child was upset mine got a place on the sports team. They felt if their child had coaching in this particular sports position, their child only needs to compete with mine for a position on the school team. Every Thursday evening, my child goes to this coaching as does her frenemy who is really only doing it because her mother is pushing her to do it - she even said "if you train in a special position you'll be more likely picked ".

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking. How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? She said she'd be able to at a push if my child isn't going but her career is very important. I want to say "so you're competing with my child as everything mine does yours has to have with a cherry on top. In the process you expect me to enable this by taking/watching/dropping off yours?" Aibu? How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid when I have to see her at school and my child is on off friends with hers?

Channel every scrap of this anger into constructive energy and then her that you can’t do any more lifts.

Omit 'due to other commitments' otherwise she'll try to work round them!

Just send a message and says "my circumstances have changed and I can no longer take X to hobby". No explanation necessary.

The child (teen?) will have a tongue in her head (and presumably a mobile phone). Saying that you aren't able to take her home isn't abandoning her to her fate, she is there with the coach who is acting in loco parentis. She is the coach's responsibility, not yours.

Why don't you talk to the girl? Speak to her as soon as you arrive with your dd and say that you are really sorry but you won't be able to give her lifts any more as your plans have changed. Suggest that she texts her mum to let her know.

Yeah you can. Just say you can't as you are not going straight home. Seriously. Stop being a walkover.

Tell her you can't going forwards and if she asks why, look askance and tell her it's none of her business

The fewer excuses you make the less she can respond. Just say you won't do it any more. If you say it's inconvenient, she'll say it's only 10 minutes out of your way. If you say it's not reciprocated, she'll do it one week. If you say the girls aren't really friends, she'll say that spending more time together might help. So say no and if asked why say "I don't want to" - imagine how freeing that would be.

Please don't facilitate this "alpha" mum. You're letting her dictate what you've to do. Set your daughter a good example of boundaries and it'll instil confidence in her even more when she's up against this brat. Just tell the mum a flat no. If she starts, just be firm, only as a last resort tell her to get to fuck 😉

YABU purely for going along with something you don't want to do and for someone you dislike.

Hi QueenBeeMum, I just wanted to give you a heads up that our schedule is changing and I’m not going to be able to give QueenBeeJunior a lift to or from practice anymore.

If she asks why - I’ve now got some standing arrangements with family.

If she asks what - oh, family stuff, you know

If she doesn’t know and asks again - Oh QueenBeeMum, I’m sorry but I have other plans with my family and I just can’t give QueenBeeJunior a lift any more.

More questions - QueenBeeMum, do you realize you’ve asked me about private plans four times now!?! (Insert tinkley little laugh trademarked by MumsNet). Now I am quite deliberately not going to tell you! (Tinkly little laugh). What do you think about the couch’s plan to do …..?

Your plans are to spend quality time with your child, possibly at a restaurant, maybe even the MacDonalds drive thru. She doesn’t need to know this.

Stop your victim mentality of this happening to you and your child. You have every choice to say no and seem to not be able to which is creating your child being in a worse position.

Just say, no that does not work for me and repeat.

By taking her child, you risk being exposed to potential false rumours and or claims made by the frenemy, who has already shown herself to be manipulative.. It’s better to have boundaries in place and keep your arrangements separate.

Your plans are to spend quality time with your child, possibly at a restaurant, maybe even the MacDonalds drive thru

Or possibly even just being able to go straight home!

What are you thinking?!! No wonder your daughter is pushed around by this other girl. What kind of example have you set? You have no boundaries. In fact, you’ve just helped to make your DD’s hobby that little bit worse by driving her frenemy back and forth. If someone crosses my child, that’s it. They’re dead to me. Why are you helping these two?! Why is your self esteem so low that you can’t bear to say no?

Sorry I'm not being free childcare for my child's bully and her enabler.

I would just send a message saying it's not possible for me to give any more lifts from now on and I would leave it at that. It's up to her what she does with it. It sounds like she's had a lifetime of ordering people around so she should be able to sort something out

This is a ''no' is a complete sentence' situation. You say no, I'm not doing this anymore. Don't explain or apologise, just say no.

She sounds crazy.

I put up with a mum like this for years. Not in relation to the drop offs / pick ups but the competitiveness, wanting her child to be better, convinced her child was better, couldn’t see past her child yet her child caused so many issues because of her manipulative mother. Her daughter was spiteful and a bully - the product of her parenting experiences.

I finally grew a pair of balls in year 6…7 years too late and wish I had done it sooner. Challenged her about something that happened, blocked her on all social media and WhatsApp.

Don’t put up with this shit OP. Tell her now that you can’t bring her child home from the activity. Save yourself months or years of hassle. And save your daughter from months or years of being forced to spend time with someone who does not have her best interests at heart.

This other child is not your responsibility. She is not always nice to your child. Just tell the mum that you can no longer collect/drop her off or whatever and she will need to make separate arrangements. If she is rude enough to ask why not and you do not want to rock the boat for your DD just say other commitments.

No, that won't work for me.

I totally understand that you are worried if you say "no" to the mother then there might be backlash in class against your own child. On the other hand, this is almost, like, pre-emptive backlash against your child, before you've even done anything. This mother is trying to manipulate things so her child outcompetes your child, AND SHE'S USING YOU to do it. She's basically wielding you as a tool against your own child. At least if you say no to her, you'll have your dignity, and you'll be showing your child that it's not ok to be walked on.

I’ve been in your position, only worse because it was a longer drive with a girl I did not like and was rude to my daughter. The mum was a persistent nagging caller/texter about “can you bring X to match/home/get lunch” She took no hints, never did the driving.

She assumed I would always drive, then once I had a friend visiting and could not drive her DD home. Crisis for her. T
hen I started not replying to her texts same day & she got like a stalker sending many many texts.

Then she got her daughter started nagging my daughter which was worse!!! “My mother wants your mother to drive me” “My mother says your mother..”

Then I told the Mum I was going to be buying food & delivering & “checking in” on friend’s elderly relative after sports, and other days too. She suggested I bring her girl too!!

I suggested she contact coach & other mothers or a taxi.

It was uncomfortable for about a month, then competition season was over so no matches, just practices. The dad started to do pickup, was always late so never saw him.
I always watched the practices, hugged her immediately after practice was over and took her to the car while in deep conversation (or put phone to ear) to avoid getting ever getting face to face with that mum & asked to drive.

I encouraged friendships with other team members whose mothers were always watching and friendly too.

You don’t owe her anything.

Utter cunt

You need to start modelling the kind of behaviour you want your daughter to have.

Has your daughter asked you about the lifts or why you're giving them to this frenemy? You need to demonstrate to her that no misguided sense of politeness will make you let someone walk all over you.

If you write Welcome on your forehead, people are going to wipe their feet there. Don't inadvertently teach this behaviour to your daughter.

I guess either because it makes it more emotionally easy for them to say no in a context or because no without a reason isn’t acceptable to the other person and they won’t give up asking otherwise…