To be expected to run around after another's child?

[Blondeandbeautifullol]

Hi, my child has specialist sports coaching outside of school. One of his frenemies parents discovered this and has decided their child should do it too as their child was upset mine got a place on the sports team. They felt if their child had coaching in this particular sports position, their child only needs to compete with mine for a position on the school team. Every Thursday evening, my child goes to this coaching as does her frenemy who is really only doing it because her mother is pushing her to do it - she even said "if you train in a special position you'll be more likely picked ".

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking. How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? She said she'd be able to at a push if my child isn't going but her career is very important. I want to say "so you're competing with my child as everything mine does yours has to have with a cherry on top. In the process you expect me to enable this by taking/watching/dropping off yours?" Aibu? How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid when I have to see her at school and my child is on off friends with hers?

This is a problem you need to nip in the bud now. You wouldn’t be unreasonable to use the phrasing you’ve mentioned in your OP but if it were me I wouldn’t explain anything - a simple no will suffice. And the same to the coach - who you need to tell upfront that you have no arrangement with this childs’ parents, it’s not convenient for you to give them a lift and you won’t be doing it. Again no explanation needed. This childs’ parents insisted she take part in this activity solely so that she can compete against your daughter. Now they find that the day and time is not convenient for themselves so they’re trying to palm off the responsibility onto you. All you have to do is say no, it’s not convenient. And you do NOT owe them an explanation. MN has a good take on these situations ‘No is a complete sentence’.

I should say your daughter is learning from you how to be sweet and naive.

You need to demonstrate your backbone by putting your family first.
It's absolutely not your role to take home a child who has not been collected from the club. It's the club's responsibility and they shouldn't be asking any parent to do it.
If you refuse, and the child is uncollected, the club may solve the problem for you by withdrawing her place.

This child is not always kind to my daughter

I actually feel sorry for children who’s parents are too much of a wimp to speak up. Imagine having a girl that’s not always nice to you, sitting with you in your MUM’S car. I’d hate that!

Just say you can’t do it and keep it moving

Send the mum a text saying if you want your dd to attend the coaching sessions then she will have to do the drop off and collection.
Speak to the coach and say you will no longer be responsible for dropping off or picking up this girl so please do not pass on messages asking me to.
You need to do your best for your dd who sounds like is thriving in this sport and also sounds like it will be taken away from her by this other girl.

Just send her this message.

Hi Queen Bee.
Just to let you know due to personal problems , I can not take your child to or from any events.
Thanks x.

Then tell the coach as well.
Not to ask as the answer will be no.
Then tell your daughter as well ... no lifts ever...
If she asks just got for food or shopping that night.

Just say no. Let the coach know that you have not agreed to collect/drop this child.

Exactly.

Remove yourself from this drama. If you must preempt it:

’just a heads up Beeatch mum, I’m not going to be able to drop daughter home from x activity’

If asked why, ‘it doesn’t fit with our plans’

@Blondeandbeautifullol - there are a number of really well worded messages on this thread that you could send to the other girl's mum. I do understand your trepidation, but you have all of us behind you, supporting you.

I think that a clear, polite message to her, and another one to the coach, outlining the situation and making it clear you won't be able to take the child home any more, is the best way to go.

You will be showing your dd how to stand up for yourself, and it is possible that, without her built-in chauffeur, the other mum will let her dd drop the activity altogether, which will make your dd happier.

I also think it would be a good idea, as a previous poster suggests, to give the school a heads up so they can be on the look out for any backlash from this child.

@Blondeandbeautifullol

Just tell her it's far too much one way,

It's not even a friendship,
So why should i even inconvenience myself ,

and tell her that you feel like you are just being Used by her,
or
Or
Say to her why do i or why am i feeling like i am being used 🤔 by you,

Whenever i come across you then at School yard then?

Or
Start asking her for favours that inconvience her to such extant,

that she wants to swerve you every time she sees you coming near her, like you have the bubonic plague The black death of medieval ages,
L.o l 🤣🤣🤣

You say no. “Sorry I can’t take X tonight”. “Sorry I can’t wait with X tonight I’ll let the coach know you are running late though”. “Sorry can’t take X home”. No explanation and no follow up. Ignore any follow up texts from her.

If she asks then tell her the truth or tell her you aren’t going to say as it’s a personal matter you don’t feel comfortable discussing outside of the family. Not a lie…. The matter is that you can’t stand her or her child…. but she doesn’t need to know that!

i'd just text her :

'from next week i'm afraid i cant offer any more lifts to and from sports club, we have other things to do straight after sports and its too inconvenient adding XXX amount of time to go out of my way to pick up / drop off, so just letting you know in advance so you can make other arrangements, best x '.

I'd then let the coach know that he needs to liaise directly with the other girls mum and that you are not picking up or dropping this girl off any longer.

done

You seem quite entwined with the perceived social dynamics - "alpha mum", "queen bee student", etc.

I totally get that - it can be very immersive and all-encompassing, but I think it would help if you could take a step back, regain some perspective and remember that this is just a group of random people, whose only thing in common is living in the same area and going to the same school. You really do not have to buy into anything they try and portray. Just let it go.

Focus on nourishing and celebrating your own and DD's life. Forget giving this child a lift. Just tell the mum that actually this arrangement isn't working out for you and you won't be able to do it any more, and STICK TO IT! In a few years your daughter will be out of this school. Don't get so invested. Focus on "real life", focus on your daughter, forget the other nonsense. Help DD develop this ability too. <3

Hi, I am sorry if you are relying on me to give your daughter pick ups and drop offs from the coaching. This will not be happening in future as it is four miles out of my way and requires extra waiting around. You have texted the coach on multiple occasions when I have not replied which puts extra pressure on everyone to conform to your wants.

At school our children are not good mates and so there is no reciprocal benefit. Your child got very angry when she wasn’t picked for the regatta which makes for uncomfortable journeys. For your information, your daughter has said to me that she doesn’t enjoy going, and it’s boring but you said it will look good on a university application. If you are already looking that far ahead, hobbies that she enjoys and are related to the career path she wants to follow, would be more beneficial.
Best wishes,

I can’t quite believe this?

surely just say no can do? She’s not even a friend.

This!
our old school gave 10 mins before they phoned social services to say a child had been abandoned. I assume a coach would be the same.

Jeez just say no

It is between the other mum and the sport club if a parent fails to collect on time.
Let her explain to coach why she's not there, she'll soon sorry get schedule or withdraw the child if you don't mop up her problem... but you tell coach you haven't agreed, weren't asked and aren't going to step into a in loco parentis situation

Sort her schedule

Sorry OP I know how hard it is when children/school friends/queen bees are involved.

I think I would reply,these requests seem to be every week and I really dont want to get into a lift share situation with anyone,I much prefer to take and collect my own child so you will have to make other arrangements.
Then do not open anymore messages from her.
If the coach approaches you just say sorry but Im not taking anyone else child home.

I know she hasnt offered you a lift share but that might give her something to think about,like what are you getting out of this

Same!

I agree with this.

From your OP "now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back"

No you don't have to do this.

Just state that you can't do it any longer. No need to invent a reason or anything (no-one has a right to know your reasons even if they are rude enough to ask).

If you block her, she can't then keep going on at you. If you don't block her, your going to have to keep reinforcing what you have said (don't attempt to justify it as you don't have to) "I can no longer do this" and keep repeating it.

If she doesn't collect, tell the coach that you cannot do this any longer and they will have to sort the issue themselves. It is not your problem. She needs to parent her own child and not dump them on someone else.

It is massively inconvenient for you and they don't reciprocate. On top of that, they aren't even nice! The mother seems to be a very pushy parent and happy to use other people.

All these excuses! 'Personal problems', and inventing reasons why you can't do it. It's not a matter of can't - you won't.
Hi X, just to let you know I won't be transporting Y to and from sport from now on. It's inconvenient and out of my way. You will need to make your own arrangements.
Don't say you're sorry, you're not. Don't make excuses, you don't need to and it opens the door for her to suggest solutions.
I probably wouldn't email the coach. I'd just speak to him next time on arrival and tell him that you don't have an arrangement to ferry the child about, so he needs to be aware of that if the mother rings him again, because you will not be taking them home.

For goodness sake woman - just say no!

Say you can never do it again, and then at the end of the message include your bank details so that she can transfer £12 to cover the 16 miles cumulative petrol costs.

Tbh, I’d be tempted to take the child home one more time and tell her in no uncertain terms how unmannerly and entitled her mother is.

I actually can’t believe she had the nerve to manipulate you by going direct to the coach.

That’s deeply manipulative and I’d probably even put in an informal complaint to the school team coach.